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[quote=Anonymous]DW here. This is something DH and I have struggled with on and off for years, and it was mostly my fault for a good period of that time. Some things that I hope might be helpful:

1. It is very hard for me to have sex when I don’t feel good about my body. DH has for years been helping me with this by expressing how he thinks I’m attractive etc. It’s gotten better over time. Another thing that’s helped is getting attention from other men, which makes me feel more sexy And confident. I think women tend to be too hard on themselves and don’t realize how their DH’s think they’re beautiful and attractive. Maybe that’s naive but it’s been my experience in talking to men and women. 
 
2. Scheduling in time together every day worked for us (usually early in the morning). It was with the understanding that it didn’t always have to lead to sex: it could just be lying side by side. But this meant we were having sex a bunch more than before. And even though we didn’t do this every single day (some days he slept in bc he was working late the night before and some days I had to work early in the morning), it became a habit we defaulted into most days. It definitely required sacrifice on both of our parts — waking up earlier, etc.

3. I was sexually abused when a child by someone I really loved and trusted. That makes sex hard sometimes. DH is understanding and compassionate.

5. I think years of bitterness and resentment can make it feel impossible to reignite a sex life, but I know from experience that it’s possible. So have hope! With that said, having a fun and vital sex life is something we are still trying to figure out after over a decade together. It’s a work in progress. I know some couples just have it and that’s amazing for them. But our story is different. Just sharing so others don’t feel so alone if they’re in the same boat

6. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that sex really triggers some core issues for both women and men and their sense of worthiness and identity. Because of that, in our best moments, DH and I try to be open and understanding to each other’s needs, desires, frustrations — without taking to too personally.

Like everything else with marriage, it’s work and effort. 
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