husband wants to keep baby and I don't

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

I am thinking the same thing. I am pro-choice, but this is a different situation. I think husband should have a choice too. Is there a procedure where the surrogate mother can carry transplanted cells, so husband can have a baby he wants? Of course this will result in divorce and money will be split 50/50; OP might be even paying a support to her husband, ads he will be the one with 1.5 child and she will be with .5 child care.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:There’s no middle ground, I’m afraid. One or potentially all of you is going to be unhappy no matter how your proceed. Contact a divorce lawyer and a family therapist today. You’re going to need both. Good luck!

This. This is your body so ultimately you get to decide to have the baby or not.

The baby has a body also. There are two bodies here.

Nope. 1) There is no baby. Just a clump of cells. 2) The woman has to consent to carrying those cells and in this case the woman does not. The woman’s choice will ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS.

DP. I am very pro-choice and agree with you that it is ultimately OP’s decision whether to continue this pregnancy. What happens after that is not entirely in her control, though. Her husband would be entirely within his rights to file for divorce over this, and OP would be powerless to stop it. If OP’s daughter ever found out about it, she may have her own feelings about OP’s choice that could affect her relationship with OP. So while the ultimate decision is OP’s, I think it’s important for her to be realistic about how the various scenarios might play out as part of her decision-making.

Both of those scenarios are far superior to OP being forced to have a second, unwanted child and for said child to enter into a world having been so unwanted.

Unless you are OP, you don’t know that choosing to have the baby would be worse than the alternatives. Part of being pro-choice is accepting that it’s OP’s choice to make, whether it’s the same one you think you would make or not.

Exactly. Glad you agree. OP has said she wants an abortion. So posting comments that she should continue with the pregnancy, that it’s her husband and daughters decision as well, are inappropriate and uncalled for.

OP has stated she wants to terminate AND have her DH be onboard and not divorce or have any consequence for her decision to terminate. However, she doesn't get both. I think many posters are pointing out that each choice (to have or not) has consequences beyond the immediate decision. For example, If she and her DH divorce, the financial hit to her DC may be similar to "sharing the pot".

Quit making things up. OP has said none of the bold. Try reading what OP wrote and stop bringing your anti-choice agenda into this thread.

+!00

Agree too. It's more like OP took husband at his word, and he's flipped. That's jarring for anyone, not that she wants him on board with "her agenda." She thought "they" had an agenda.

OP’s husband already changed his mind once about having kids (hence the 11yo), so it’s a little ridiculous for her to claim she never could have imagined he would change his mind again.

Taking him at his word/promise is not ridiculous. It's sad to me that he would flip on that. Whether he would really like another child or not, he did promise her. And he's now going back on that. That's a huge promise to break. You should be able to believe that he meant what he said, hence her reason for telling him. So not only is he breaking his promise, he's staking the entire marriage on his ability to break that promise. This is why I think the marriage is doomed.

I agree. He changed the rules and that's not fair. Then again if it was such a priority for him and her, why did he not have a vasectomy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

You obviously have some issues that you are projecting onto OP and into this situation.

Absolutely, the husband has a say here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

Isn't it an implied consent when you agree to have a sex with a man who has no vasectomy and you have not permanent BC in place? Any reasonable human would assume it might result in pregnancy. She already made her decision by using HER BODY during the sex.

[Anonymous]

The question of who gets “a say” is pointless. Anyone who finds themselves in OP’s position is going to consult their spouse and consider their feelings. I don’t think anyone is saying that OP’s spouse shouldn’t get to voice his opinion.

The real question is: when husband and wife disagree very strongly, whose vote gets more weight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

It is her body, and should she decide to abort she will have to deal with consequences of A possible divorce. My DH would strongly consider divorcing me if I aborted a child he wanted. OP should prepare herself for that.

[Anonymous]

Has someone already pointed that either way, the OP's primary concern here (maximum inheritance for her current child) is already out the window? If she terminates, her husband will leave her, and that will inevitably create new expenses and reduce the amount available for kid #1. So whatever you're trying to avoid, OP, it's a little too late now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

You obviously have some issues that you are projecting onto OP and into this situation.

Absolutely, the husband has a say here.

NP, and no, it’s her body. The father should be consulted, but he’s not at risk of death if the pregnancy or birth goes wrong. The USA has the highest maternal death rate among developed countries, which is scandalous considering the wealth of its inhabitants. No woman should put herself at risk if she does not truly want her child. It’s not the man’s fight here.

These are FACTS. There is risk to pregnancy and childbirth that men cannot suffer from. Their preferences therefore cannot have equal weight as their wives’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

So many heartless pro-choicers on here. Yep, it is her body and she chose to have sex with her body. When you choose to have sex, there is a chance of pregnancy. How could she not have had this conversation with her husband at some point and not taken the appropriate steps to make sure to the greatest extent possible that pregnancy would not occur? Husband had a hand in the creation of this child. And yes, it's a baby. A fetus is a baby. An embryo is a baby. People who say otherwise are trying to hide the fact that you are ending a life. Sometimes there are good and valid reasons to do so, but you are ending a life. This isn't a choice like picking out curtains. To say that he has NO say at all is ridiculous. If a man helps create a baby and he abandons the mother, we talk about him shirking his responsibilities (very true). It goes both ways. He ought to have the ability to voice an opinion. This is a marriage we are talking about.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If your husband is so prone to changing his mind over critically important matters then threatening you to get his way, I think your marriage isn’t great anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

So many heartless pro-choicers on here. Yep, it is her body and she chose to have sex with her body. When you choose to have sex, there is a chance of pregnancy. How could she not have had this conversation with her husband at some point and not taken the appropriate steps to make sure to the greatest extent possible that pregnancy would not occur? Husband had a hand in the creation of this child. And yes, it's a baby. A fetus is a baby. An embryo is a baby. People who say otherwise are trying to hide the fact that you are ending a life. Sometimes there are good and valid reasons to do so, but you are ending a life. This isn't a choice like picking out curtains. To say that he has NO say at all is ridiculous. If a man helps create a baby and he abandons the mother, we talk about him shirking his responsibilities (very true). It goes both ways. He ought to have the ability to voice an opinion. This is a marriage we are talking about.

He has a say but she has the LAST say.

You can call the baby whatever you want, my dear.

OP was very careful with protection and was pressured to not have her tubes tied by the doctor and her husband after the first birth.
She justifiably feels bamboozled.

Again, you can tantrum repeatedly, but in the end it’s the woman’s decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

So many heartless pro-choicers on here. Yep, it is her body and she chose to have sex with her body. When you choose to have sex, there is a chance of pregnancy. How could she not have had this conversation with her husband at some point and not taken the appropriate steps to make sure to the greatest extent possible that pregnancy would not occur? Husband had a hand in the creation of this child. And yes, it's a baby. A fetus is a baby. An embryo is a baby. People who say otherwise are trying to hide the fact that you are ending a life. Sometimes there are good and valid reasons to do so, but you are ending a life. This isn't a choice like picking out curtains. To say that he has NO say at all is ridiculous. If a man helps create a baby and he abandons the mother, we talk about him shirking his responsibilities (very true). It goes both ways. He ought to have the ability to voice an opinion. This is a marriage we are talking about.

But OP has heard her husband out and is obviously considering his wishes, as evidenced by this thread. He has had his say. They continue to disagree. Someone has to break the tie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand the whole “my body my choice” thing. Really, I do. But in a situation like this it really is just a little more complicated. Is it really fair to say that the husband’s opinion should not count at all, ever? Really?

In this situation? Yes. Because again, OP has to consent to carrying a child and she does not. No matter how you spin your anti-choice arguments, OP is the one to make the decision here because IT’S HER BODY.

So many heartless pro-choicers on here. Yep, it is her body and she chose to have sex with her body. When you choose to have sex, there is a chance of pregnancy. How could she not have had this conversation with her husband at some point and not taken the appropriate steps to make sure to the greatest extent possible that pregnancy would not occur? Husband had a hand in the creation of this child. And yes, it's a baby. A fetus is a baby. An embryo is a baby. People who say otherwise are trying to hide the fact that you are ending a life. Sometimes there are good and valid reasons to do so, but you are ending a life. This isn't a choice like picking out curtains. To say that he has NO say at all is ridiculous. If a man helps create a baby and he abandons the mother, we talk about him shirking his responsibilities (very true). It goes both ways. He ought to have the ability to voice an opinion. This is a marriage we are talking about.

1. It sounds like they did have this conversation when they had their first, and he promised they would be one and done.
2. You may not like the option, but the option for abortion is always there. He said "one and done" and she used birth control. That seems "appropriate" to me. If she ended up pregnant, as now, I think she rightly assumed, based on her husband's promise, that he would want to terminate too. This isn't the 1950s. If you have an unwanted pregnancy, abortion ends that pregnancy, whether you like it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your failed birth control an IUD? If so, you'll have to have it removed regardless of what you decide. Removal commonly- but not always- causes a miscarriage. I'd start there, this could end up being a non-issue, then your DH gets a vasectomy.

If she doesn't want anymore children, she can and should get her tubes tied. She doesn't get a say in her DH getting a vasectomy.