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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, some good suggestions.  To answer a few questions:

No, she wasn't my first, not even close.  I had lots of experience, she had some too probably similar.  Sex was plentiful early, dropped down to 2-3x a week before kids but still adventerous enough and that frequency is totally fine by me.

Once the newborn came, it died down to 1-2x a month.  I have put up with this for 10+ years because in my mind it was all temporary.  Just the pregnancy/ newborn/ toddler/ elementary school years.  Or she was on birth control, maybe if I got snipped, which I did.  But yet no real uptake.

At the risk of being arrogant, it's not me as I am in shape, successful, conventionally attractive, wear nice clothes to work and all that.  That I get a fair amount of female attention helps sooth the wife's rejection.

I don't feel trapped, I could leave tomorrow but I don't want to shred my family up over this.  I sometimes wonder if women like my wife just assume I will cheat and if they are fine with that, sort of turning a blind eye and keeping up the lifestyle rather than have sex they don't want to have.  Its a dangerous question to ask, but at the same time, she is smart enough to know 2x a month duty sex is pathetic and will make a man's eye wander.

One post upstream asked a good question, whether anyone has actually counselled or talked or ultimatmed their partner back into a healthy sex life.  I am interested as well if that is even possible.

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It's possible but she's gotten comfortable with who she is and her situation. Her reaction to your attempts to discuss the situation are planned and designed to shut you down. You need to create a situation where there are no excuses and no distractions. No kids around or chance of waking them. Then you need to tell her you need to talk to her. Before you start, tell her you have something to say and ask her not to interrupt you until you are done because it's very important and you don't want to get sidetracked or lose your train of thought.

Think about what it is you want to say and how you want to say it. You don't want to threaten but at the same time she needs to understand that things as they stand in the marriage are not working for you. Be sure to say calm. Think about alternatives you are willing to try (counseling, etc). Do not let her go down the tears route, the shitfit route or the fine, let's have sex now route. When she gives you the "fine, let's get it over with" respond with "honey, when we are done, I'd be thrilled to make love to you but we need to discuss this first and I need you to give me honest answers to my question." remain calm at all times and when she gets upset, remind her that you are just trying to have a discussion. She needs to understand that this status quo isn't going to stand. She needs to know that you are at least considering moving on to find a partner that is more sexually compatible if she's unwilling to change. The key is finding the proper way to say that with making it sound like a threat or an ultimatum. Let her know how her rejection makes you feel. Maybe tell her that you need to have this talk now because over time it's become more difficult to ignore other women showing interest and you were raised correctly and you don't ever want to do that to her or the children. That you got the vasectomy thinking that might help but that you have run out of options and you are at a crossroads. You can't go on innthis fashion and that we have to figure a way forward.[/quote]

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