Sexless Marriage Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You don't have a wife, you have a room mate. Assume that her sexual desire (for you!) is permanently gone, there is absolutely NOTHING you can ever do to change that fact. Like you said, she has "turned off that aspect" and she has absolutely zero reason to want to change. Accept your fate living with a platonic room mate

Meanwhile, most men cannot live without sex and (eventually) this will lead you either to divorce, or you will (eventually) wind up getting it elsewhere. How do I know this? Your exact story has played out a billion times before with this exact outcome every time. If you've done any research on dead bedrooms, you know I am right.

Cheating is dishonest and I don't think you want to be like that. Which means the only honest solution (other than divorce) is to tell her before you go outside the marriage. See? The open marriage solution is, in fact, the ONLY honest way to save your marriage and actually will improve things greatly for her. You mentioned feeling stress, struggles, low self-worth, low self-esteem, being a whiny mopey jerk? That's no fun for her to be around a miserable shell of a man like you, all those problems will be resolved once you have opened the marriage.

The situation is distressing, but she's more than a roommate. She's a friend (and I don't have a ton of those), a confidante, a co-parent, a more than equal financial partner, and a mentor who has helped me mitigate some self-defeating behaviors at home and at work. Sure, I want more than that, but I still recognize what she's done for me and she would not be easily replaced. I hope she can say the same about me, but I think I'd be easier for her to replace me than vice versa.

I'm aware of the odds. We're trying counseling because she assures me it's something she wants. And I'm trying to get my own house in order in any case. I'm not ready to separate or divorce yet, but we both realize that time will come if we can't fix the problem. I need to know I tried. Working on myself and my own happiness is a beneficial step whether we stay together or split, so that's what I'm doing.

And I'm not stating a moral objection to open marriages. If that works for a couple, great. I just know it wouldn't work for me because no strings attached sex wouldn't cure the problem and something more would just lead us right back to divorce. I know there are people who can compartmentalize between sexual gratification and emotional connection. I can't. Not as a matter of moral principle, just as a matter of temperament.

How old are you and your wife, if I may ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You don't have a wife, you have a room mate. Assume that her sexual desire (for you!) is permanently gone, there is absolutely NOTHING you can ever do to change that fact. Like you said, she has "turned off that aspect" and she has absolutely zero reason to want to change. Accept your fate living with a platonic room mate

Meanwhile, most men cannot live without sex and (eventually) this will lead you either to divorce, or you will (eventually) wind up getting it elsewhere. How do I know this? Your exact story has played out a billion times before with this exact outcome every time. If you've done any research on dead bedrooms, you know I am right.

Cheating is dishonest and I don't think you want to be like that. Which means the only honest solution (other than divorce) is to tell her before you go outside the marriage. See? The open marriage solution is, in fact, the ONLY honest way to save your marriage and actually will improve things greatly for her. You mentioned feeling stress, struggles, low self-worth, low self-esteem, being a whiny mopey jerk? That's no fun for her to be around a miserable shell of a man like you, all those problems will be resolved once you have opened the marriage.

The situation is distressing, but she's more than a roommate. She's a friend (and I don't have a ton of those), a confidante, a co-parent, a more than equal financial partner, and a mentor who has helped me mitigate some self-defeating behaviors at home and at work. Sure, I want more than that, but I still recognize what she's done for me and she would not be easily replaced. I hope she can say the same about me, but I think I'd be easier for her to replace me than vice versa.

I'm aware of the odds. We're trying counseling because she assures me it's something she wants. And I'm trying to get my own house in order in any case. I'm not ready to separate or divorce yet, but we both realize that time will come if we can't fix the problem. I need to know I tried. Working on myself and my own happiness is a beneficial step whether we stay together or split, so that's what I'm doing.

And I'm not stating a moral objection to open marriages. If that works for a couple, great. I just know it wouldn't work for me because no strings attached sex wouldn't cure the problem and something more would just lead us right back to divorce. I know there are people who can compartmentalize between sexual gratification and emotional connection. I can't. Not as a matter of moral principle, just as a matter of temperament.

Yes, on marriages don't exist without exploitation.

[Anonymous]

sex is gross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How old are you and your wife, if I may ask?

I guess I've already said enough to totally out myself if my wife browses this subforum. We're mid 40s.

I'm not asking for advice and I'm not whining (this time!). I'm just trying to be illustrative because I really don't believe this is an issue that is solely about vindictive or gold-digging wives and/or entitled/lazy husbands. We had something really great and we lost it. There were times we each failed one another, but we didn't act out of malice. And if it ends up being irreparable, that won't be out of malice either.

[Anonymous]

There is this thing called communication. Speaking from personal experience. There is a root cause for the disconnect and until you get to the root of it you will always be dealing with the weeds. Now, this process could quickly turn into what your spouse is not doing, and it goes no where. Take a look in the mirror at all the things you aren't doing and when you have the conversation...you put all your stuff on the table (apologize for making her common). Better yet take a look in the mirror and just make the change and start reconnect with your spouse. Make the phone call in the middle of the day just checking on her, send the text, make a lunch appointment, cook dinner, plan a date. It will not be an overnight process, it didn't take one day to get where you are. Be in it for the long haul. There is a great book that I would recommend titled "The Five Love Languages" this book will help you figure out how to communicate in your spouses love language and also what your love language is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is this thing called communication. Speaking from personal experience. There is a root cause for the disconnect and until you get to the root of it you will always be dealing with the weeds. Now, this process could quickly turn into what your spouse is not doing, and it goes no where. Take a look in the mirror at all the things you aren't doing and when you have the conversation...you put all your stuff on the table (apologize for making her common). Better yet take a look in the mirror and just make the change and start reconnect with your spouse. Make the phone call in the middle of the day just checking on her, send the text, make a lunch appointment, cook dinner, plan a date. It will not be an overnight process, it didn't take one day to get where you are. Be in it for the long haul. There is a great book that I would recommend titled "The Five Love Languages" this book will help you figure out how to communicate in your spouses love language and also what your love language is.

Nah. This is dumb. The root cause of the disconnect is she is no longer attracted to you. You can communicate all you want, and try all that Love Languages crap, and it is not going to restore her attraction to you. You are trying to negotiate attraction, and it can't be negotiated.

[Anonymous]

Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

So does avoiding/denying/rejecting sex on a repeated basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

So does avoiding/denying/rejecting sex on a repeated basis.

But again, that gets to what is meant when people say "dead bedroom." If you're having sex 1x a week and still think that is not enough, you need to get yourself more realistic expectations on what is normal for people who have been together for 10-20 + years.

[Anonymous]

Once a week is a pretty good baseline for "not a dead bedroom."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

OK, so if women can decide to change the deal and men should just learn to accept it, that also means that the man can change the deal and the woman should just have to accept it, too, right? For example, he can decide to stop paying the mortgage and the kids school fees, and she will have to step up and make those payments herself. After all, everything in life changes over time, including his willingness to open his wallet to someone who refuses to have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Why can't women just accept that monogamous relationships change over time? So what started out as a total commitment to seek intimacy only with the partner you love has quietly mutated into a relationship where their rejection of your affection has driven you to seek this elsewhere.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Seeking sex elsewhere would erode the security, trust, and respect that had been built up over time though.

So does avoiding/denying/rejecting sex on a repeated basis.

But again, that gets to what is meant when people say "dead bedroom." If you're having sex 1x a week and still think that is not enough, you need to get yourself more realistic expectations on what is normal for people who have been together for 10-20 + years.

What's "normal" for other people is irrelevant to my marriage. You can use that metric for everything else and it's just as useless. What's important is the level of sexual intimacy that keeps both spouses happy and helps maintain a solid marriage. What goes on in other peoples' bedroom is not part of the equation.

If you base your marriage on what is "normal" for others, you'll never get to figure out what works for your own marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't men just accept that romantic relationships change over time? So what started out as a high degree of physical desire has quietly mutated into a relationship of deep security, comfort, trust, mutual respect, love, affection, and, yes, less sex.

Seriously, everything else in life changes over time. What stays exactly the same over a 20 year time span or more?

Men aren't always the higher libido partner. Higher libido women are a minority, but not a particularly small one if we go by who posts on forums about this stuff.

Obviously, I can't speak for all men, but I think many men do understand that these things change. I don't think most expect the same frequency or intensity as when the relationship was new. But, speaking for myself, it's hard for me to feel that sense of deep security, trust, mutual respect, love, and affection if my partner is avoiding physical intimacy with me. There's this assumption that men don't recognize that their behavior may have contributed to the lack of intimacy. That isn't my experience at all. I'm hyper-aware of that possibility. That I've screwed something up to the point that my partner no longer trusts or values me. That's what makes it hard.