Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about money, ever. ...

How do umc parents respond to their children when kids make comments regarding the cost of things? Ex... "dad I want to buy this, it's so cheap". "Oppps, it broke...I'll just buy another one, they're only a few dollars". When kids want something that is over excessive like beach slippers that will be used once but cost 30 bucks because it has a pink butterfly.... do you say it's too expensive get the cheaper ones?

I can't imagine a truly UMC kid justifying a purchase based on the fact that it was cheap. Growing up (even when I was young and money was somewhat tighter) my parents never said we could/couldn't do or buy something due to cost. Even if cost was the reason, they never would have told us that. They said it was "too much", "unnecessary", or whatever. Most of the time, they could afford the thing and it really was about setting limits and teaching self-control. Growing up in an UMC enclave, I didn't encounter the idea of basing spending decisions on whether you could afford something until I had friends who talked like that in college. Honestly, even when I was a PhD student who could barely afford rice and beans, I would never have said I couldn't do something due to cost. I saved for an entire year to be a friend's bridesmaid, and it never once would have occurred to me to mention the financial impact on me. This isn't good or bad, but it's definitely a UMC/UC thing.

[Anonymous]

^^PP again. "too much" didn't refer to the cost, to be clear. It would be like, "It's too much to have an ice cream and a cotton candy" at the fair or something like that. Or, that's too many toys; you don't need so many. Never about cost.

[Anonymous]

Disagree. Grew up UMC and we talked about value. Even if you can afford to buy the $500 sneakers they may not be "a good value" (compared to the very similar $100 sneakers) so we would say they cost too much. We are trying to teach our kids the same thing - spend your money wisely. No need to throw it away. In fact, I'm pretty sure our kids think we are poor based on how we talk about spending money.

[Anonymous]

A dash of liberal guilt never hurts.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a poor immigrant family. We now have a seven figure HHI. I just try to expose my children to a lot of things. They know how to swim because I consider it a life skill that my parents did not teach to me.

If you went to HYP, I find it hard to believe that you don't know what an upper middle class lifestyle is. We want our kids to know the basics - how to play tennis, golf, ski, swim, etc. we vacation often. We eat out.

We are not and never will be country club people and that is fine. We have friends from all different backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Don't let them hang around kids of a lower status then you – including cousins.

Don't let them attend public schools until middle school. And when they do attend private, make sure they cultivate private friends (Don't let them try to maintain public and private friends).

Never say no to trips offered by private parents. Those are their "in".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disagree. Grew up UMC and we talked about value. Even if you can afford to buy the $500 sneakers they may not be "a good value" (compared to the very similar $100 sneakers) so we would say they cost too much. We are trying to teach our kids the same thing - spend your money wisely. No need to throw it away. In fact, I'm pretty sure our kids think we are poor based on how we talk about spending money.

I don't think this is different than my point. The point is you don't think about spending money in terms of whether you can afford it but rather in terms of whether the purchase makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disagree. Grew up UMC and we talked about value. Even if you can afford to buy the $500 sneakers they may not be "a good value" (compared to the very similar $100 sneakers) so we would say they cost too much. We are trying to teach our kids the same thing - spend your money wisely. No need to throw it away. In fact, I'm pretty sure our kids think we are poor based on how we talk about spending money.

I don't think this is different than my point. The point is you don't think about spending money in terms of whether you can afford it but rather in terms of whether the purchase makes sense.

Ok. But we do explicitly talk about the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The butter aside is hilarious...and long-lived. Every time it pops back up, I laugh.

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies. It sounds like manners are a must. Volunteering/kindness and culture are close seconds.

These were the last things I expected to hear, but it makes sense. Of course, being lower class, socially, I guess that's no surprise.

To the PPs telling me to stay true to myself, well, I am. I already feel like an impostor most of the time, I don't have to add feeling fake to the mix. I am heavy, dress badly, unmanicured, and yet I'm quite happy with myself. I've provided a better life for my kids and parents than we deserve. I don't want to spend my time literally reshaping myself. I have a vegetable garden to tend to!

For my kids, though, I want them to have it all. I want them to feel and be authentic. I'm truly grateful to have all of your advice.

Now, I guess the challenge to figure out how to implement it. Manners are a relentless pursuit. You have to have them all the freaking time. F**k me. :\

Ugh, stop denigrating yourself. These people are no better than you. Do you already have good manners? Are you kind? Do you teach those values to your children? Then you're fine.

I second this PP. Remember OP, she who has the gold makes the rules. You don't have to fit in somebody else's box. You can do it your way. I know an old money family that wears flip flops and shops at Costco. What, why? Because they like to.
Their kids also fence and have horses.
Be principled, considerate, kind and recognize the inherent worth of people (including yourself) and you will always be showing the spirit of manners even if you put your napkin on the table by accident. Then you can feel comfortable going anywhere and meeting anybody.

+1,000,000

Wise words. A rare sight on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the most hilarious threads I've ever read. So many people trying to self identify with a meaningless label. And such a trashy one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find the butter discussion fascinating! I had no idea that you are not supposed to butter your whole piece of bread

Really? You are either young (under 35) or not raised UMC.

Not that poster, but I'm 36, and my Dad was a law firm partner, so we were comfortably upper middle class. And yet I butter my bread wrong. If I ever heard of it before, I've totally forgotten. Maybe people have been secretly judging me all this time. Oh well. Frankly I think the focus on etiquette as a marker of class may be somewhat regional. My DH's family can be weird and formal about stuff like that even though in many respects they are far more working class than my family. But they are from up North. I'm from the South, and people don't generally focus on formalities as a sign of class status. Politeness and chivalry are a pretty big deal, but politeness is judged by how you relate to others, not table manners and knowing where to put a spoon.

[Anonymous]

This bread butter thing is a revelation. Interesting. I had no clue. Probably too lazy to pay attention to it though.

[Anonymous]

High end ski trips every winter or spring break with all the fancy gear and clothes. Sailing camp in the summer along with somewhere international once a year. Expensive sleep away camp in the summer. This is how you separate the poors from the wealthy at our private school. I won't tell you which camp we are in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the most hilarious threads I've ever read. So many people trying to self identify with a meaningless label. And such a trashy one!

+1000. Sheep following self-created social signals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High end ski trips every winter or spring break with all the fancy gear and clothes. Sailing camp in the summer along with somewhere international once a year. Expensive sleep away camp in the summer. This is how you separate the poors from the wealthy at our private school. I won't tell you which camp we are in.

Come on! Give us a hint? Is it in New England? Co-ed or single gender? Education focused or the quintessential outdoorsy camp?