Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

It's an anonymous message board, so I'm going to lay it all out. We're affluent--DH earns enough in DC to put us in the top 1%, income-wise, that is. I'm not going to say we're rich, since there's no intergernational money. We have a nice townhome in a neighborhood with similarly situated (or better) people. Can you help me crack the code to raising children who will fit in with our "peers"? I put that in quotes because while we earn roughly what they do and both went to the same schools (HYP and equivalents), we do not come from similar upbringings (think drug addicted parents, hunger and stints living in motels).

Moreover, the American tendency to pretend class doesn't exist makes it all the harder to fit it. I know people don't like to call themselves rich or upper class, but dammit, the people I live with are rich and upper class. If I told them I came from a lower class and needed help navigating their world, they'd probably have a heart attack and say I was being dramatic. But class exists, and there's so much I don't know.

For example, I had no idea that I needed to enroll my kid in swim lessons. If you think this is a weird example, that means you probably grew up in a much higher social class than I did...trust me, ability to swim is a huge class divider. There are so many small, probably meaningless things TO YOU, that I don't know.

Anyhow, we were invited to a couple beach homes this summer, my kid was the only one who couldn't swim. Oops. I also learned many of the kids are already starting piano lessons. They get on buses every day to go to camp in the country. Oh, and in a few years, they will be go sleep away camps. Some girls are in a Girl Scout troop, which is full--I wish I'd known earlier. Also, get them into Sidwell now, even though it's expensive, because it guarantees their spot in upper school. And here I was planning on public until middle school. Oops again.

I know class and money are touchy issues. This is going to sound crazy, but I still feel working class. We have to work for what we have. No trust funds or massive stock options here. In that sense, I feel working class and want to provide what's best for the kids, but not too much. No horseback riding and first class trips. But yes to Girl Scouts and swimming lessons. What else am I missing for an upper-middle class lifestyle?

BTW, I want to make it clear that I don't think we're so awesome because we earn well. We got lucky, and I'd like to milk it for all it's worth.


Thanks in advance for any advice. I'm an introvert and haven't made many new friends here. I feel like an outsider here, as I do at home now. Not to minimize the struggle of being an immigrant, but it sometimes feel (a little) like I'm in a new country. I like it here, too. I just don't know how to fit in yet. Any advice welcome. TIA again!

[Anonymous]

HUH? you sound lazy. Get your kid into activities. It has nothing to do with money. Teach your kid to swim.

[Anonymous]

How about be yourself and maybe some of your in-born gratitude and humility will rub of on your peers who swear up and down that despite their 800k hhi they are barely scraping by and therefore middle class

[Anonymous]

Don't neglect orthodontics, which start young now (like age 7-8 for first consult).

Skiing is a lot of fun, and can start young (age 4-5 or even younger).

Mostly, though, I'd try not to worry about it. Swimming is a safety issue, esp. when you're going to be surrounded by pools and beach trips!, but other than that, if your kid is the only one who can't speak a foreign language fluently by eight, you can always start then and she'll be fluent by ten. Teach her to be confident in herself for who she is, rather than her resume, regardless of what her "peers" are doing/saying.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the issue. You sound working class to me.

[Anonymous]

They should learn how to ski.
Read to them.
No tv in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Taco Tuesdays followed by Caviar Wednesdays.

The tacos will keep them humble and grounded, the caviar will get them used to the idea of having inherited wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an anonymous message board, so I'm going to lay it all out. We're affluent--DH earns enough in DC to put us in the top 1%, income-wise, that is. I'm not going to say we're rich, since there's no intergernational money. We have a nice townhome in a neighborhood with similarly situated (or better) people. Can you help me crack the code to raising children who will fit in with our "peers"? I put that in quotes because while we earn roughly what they do and both went to the same schools (HYP and equivalents), we do not come from similar upbringings (think drug addicted parents, hunger and stints living in motels).

Moreover, the American tendency to pretend class doesn't exist makes it all the harder to fit it. I know people don't like to call themselves rich or upper class, but dammit, the people I live with are rich and upper class. If I told them I came from a lower class and needed help navigating their world, they'd probably have a heart attack and say I was being dramatic. But class exists, and there's so much I don't know.

For example, I had no idea that I needed to enroll my kid in swim lessons. If you think this is a weird example, that means you probably grew up in a much higher social class than I did...trust me, ability to swim is a huge class divider. There are so many small, probably meaningless things TO YOU, that I don't know.

Anyhow, we were invited to a couple beach homes this summer, my kid was the only one who couldn't swim. Oops. I also learned many of the kids are already starting piano lessons. They get on buses every day to go to camp in the country. Oh, and in a few years, they will be go sleep away camps. Some girls are in a Girl Scout troop, which is full--I wish I'd known earlier. Also, get them into Sidwell now, even though it's expensive, because it guarantees their spot in upper school. And here I was planning on public until middle school. Oops again.

I know class and money are touchy issues. This is going to sound crazy, but I still feel working class. We have to work for what we have. No trust funds or massive stock options here. In that sense, I feel working class and want to provide what's best for the kids, but not too much. No horseback riding and first class trips. But yes to Girl Scouts and swimming lessons. What else am I missing for an upper-middle class lifestyle?

BTW, I want to make it clear that I don't think we're so awesome because we earn well. We got lucky, and I'd like to milk it for all it's worth.


Thanks in advance for any advice. I'm an introvert and haven't made many new friends here. I feel like an outsider here, as I do at home now. Not to minimize the struggle of being an immigrant, but it sometimes feel (a little) like I'm in a new country. I like it here, too. I just don't know how to fit in yet. Any advice welcome. TIA again!

Don't be ridiculous. You are rich.

[Anonymous]

Introduce them to experiences. Reading, travel (by car or by plane), trying new foods, music, sports, history, current events.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids OP?

[Anonymous]

yawn

[Anonymous]

Read lots of parenting books. Museums, traveling, skiing, swimming, nice clothes, lots of creative play, foreign language, musical instrument, orthodontics, healthy weight/exercise/sports, tennis

[Anonymous]

I feel you, OP. I grew up extremely working class (to put it kindly), and even after years of living UMC, I feel like there's a code I've yet to crack and there are constantly things that I didn't grow up with and have never really thought about in terms of how I'm parenting my kids.

For instance, on a recent thread about weight, someone was talking about having the advantage of growing up with a mother who worked out regularly, bought fresh food and made from-scratch healthy meals as part of the reason it was easier for her to stay thin -- those habits had been ingrained in her from an early age and weren't a struggle to develop as an adult. My mother was a single parent to two children, she worked full time and was barely able to make ends meet, our meals were whatever was on sale at the grocery store (things like hamburger helper, ramen and rice-a-roni were frequently on sale for 19 cents a box, so we ate a lot of that) and fresh produce was usually too expensive, and there was no money for a gym membership or exercise equipment, nor was their childcare for her to even just go for a speed walk around the neighborhood without two small kids following so she never really exercised. I know about healthy nutrition and the benefits of exercise, but I'd never really thought about the extent to which I was impacting my kids' future health in terms of what habits they would take into their futures. I figured that if I made sure there were protein and veggies on their plates they were getting good food and hadn't thought before about how prioritizing exercise in my schedule (because I have the luxury of doing that in a way my mother never had) would teach my kids about prioritizing exercise. It's not that people in lower classes can't know and teach these things, but the reality is that they tend to be very tied to class status. Obviously I don't want my kids to struggle the way I have, so I need to take some of my resources and improve my lifestyle for them.

I don't have a whole lot of advice for how to get over it. I tend to follow stuff on DCUM a lot because I feel like, for all the negative attitude, I have actually learned a lot about the "right" way to be from this place. I do a lot of asking casual questions to figure out what I should be doing (e.g., once I realized that camp registration starts in January, I started asking other parents in January, "So, what camps are you looking at for the summer?" Not to copy what they're doing, but to help figure out what's out there and what's typical). If we're at someone's house, I try to take quiet notice of what's in their pantries or what kinds of toys are around. I'm not snooping, just trying to pick up cues. It's hard to feel like I fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Introduce them to experiences. Reading, travel (by car or by plane), trying new foods, music, sports, history, current events.

Education, formal and informal. Swim lessons, girl scouts, piano or other instruments, Saturday language school. Cotillion. Travel.

[Anonymous]

Another thing to consider is table manners - it's a bit of a cliche from the movies, but as someone who grew up UMC it's always been one of the little things that I notice.