Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

This is interesting because my parents are from low income backgrounds but both learned how to swim. I also started learning swimming as a child. Sometimes these things aren't so black and white. I understand what you're trying to say but sometimes these things just vary from family to family.

[Anonymous]

I was raised by parents who had money but were basically raised in an a trailer park. They sent us to ivies but we missed out on learning how to be middle class. It was hard.

My advice? Work on yourself as well as the kid. Take night classes in chinese cooking and art appreciation. Maybe find a mentor who is willing to clue you in on things like where to shop. My mom served us meatloaf and hash and i had never been to a Chinese restaurant and my mom still bought our clothes at k mart. Read the preppie handbook, an oldie but a goodie. Take a class in wine tasting. Sign your kids up for horseback riding lessons, english not western. Read novels about old money people and memoirs.

[Anonymous]

I've found most people in the 1% in the DC area to be the same as me: humble back grounds, new money. The old money are easy to spot once you start socializing and you don't have to hang around them if you don't want to, because there are many many people more like me.

The thing with new money is that most of us got here by working really hard, so we have a natural respect for other successful people. Of course we are all thankful for our good fortune, and recognize this as well! Whether you are a big law partner, dentist, oncologist, or small business owner, you've put in the effort and now you are here. Never thought that swimming was an upper middle class thing to do, however...

From the sounds of it, you are doing just fine discovering the various ways you can spend money on your kids. You will encounter these as you increasingly socialize with your peers. We all learn about these things as time goes on. Our kids just went to their first away camp this summer and the campers there obviously have been there in prior years, with parents recognizing each other. But next year, we'll be one of the return campers. Haha!

We've been traveling a lot, at some point it all starts to blend together for the kids, but this is really the point, isn't it: so that you gain some measure of familiarity with the different states, countries, and cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised by parents who had money but were basically raised in an a trailer park. They sent us to ivies but we missed out on learning how to be middle class. It was hard.

My advice? Work on yourself as well as the kid. Take night classes in chinese cooking and art appreciation. Maybe find a mentor who is willing to clue you in on things like where to shop. My mom served us meatloaf and hash and i had never been to a Chinese restaurant and my mom still bought our clothes at k mart. Read the preppie handbook, an oldie but a goodie. Take a class in wine tasting. Sign your kids up for horseback riding lessons, english not western. Read novels about old money people and memoirs.

There are night classes in Chinese cooking? Do share, I need to pass this on to my wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider is table manners - it's a bit of a cliche from the movies, but as someone who grew up UMC it's always been one of the little things that I notice.

This and being comfortable eating in nice restaurants. My dad grew up on a farm but had a corporate career and we were raised UMC. My parents were always quite frugal and we mostly ate at home but they also made sure to take us out to nice restaurants a few times a year so we'd be comfortable there.

[Anonymous]

You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

[Anonymous]

I did not grow up poor - grew up upper middle class actually - but am an immigrant, so I don't know all the American upper middle class things either, like swim, ski, or even food. I am not anxious about it - when I find out about "generally done" things for kids (like swim or ski), I provide it for them if there is interest and if I approve (i.e. my kids don't get stuff just because their friends have them). I also adopt stuff that I grew up with that is not typically American (For example, I am probably stricter than most American parents).

You don't have to fit in, OP! Just adopt what you like and what works foe your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

[Anonymous]

This thread is eye-opening to me. I am an immigrant. I was taught everything mentioned on this thread, manners, swimming etc..., even horseback riding ! I guess I was raised UMC by American standards, but did not know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is interesting because my parents are from low income backgrounds but both learned how to swim. I also started learning swimming as a child. Sometimes these things aren't so black and white. I understand what you're trying to say but sometimes these things just vary from family to family.

I think some of is can vary based on circumstances. I got swim lessons as a kid because they were part of the low-budget day camp my mom sent us to for the entire summer, which followed the American Red Cross swim program. I never took swim lessons outside of that camp, but learned enough to be a decent swimmer. My kids only go to full-day camp a couple of weeks of the summer and they don't do swim lessons there anyway (just free swim), so they didn't take lessons until we joined a pool and it occurred to me they would need lessons to learn to swim. Even then, they did two summers of small-group swim lessons at our pool before I learned that groups lessons weren't how the solid swimmers learned to swim, they all took private lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider is table manners - it's a bit of a cliche from the movies, but as someone who grew up UMC it's always been one of the little things that I notice.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand why you're trying to figure out how to help your kids fit in. Maybe you could talk to another parent in your circle about what they would suggest. But don't turn your back on your origins. You don't have to do everything that everyone in your circle does. You also don't want your kids to grow up clueless about how other people (like their parents) live. Adapt but be true to yourself. Don't be embarrassed about who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Lol, there is a butter plate on the table. You use your knife to portion off some butter, then butter the piece of bread you're about to bite. Put down your knife, bite your bread, put down the rest of the bread, chew and swallow. Then when you're ready for another bite of bread, butter than bit of bread. You can bite your bread and put the rest down on the bread plate. That's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

DP here. Grew up upper middle class and I was taught that you're supposed to put a pat of butter on your plate and then take that butter to butter your bread - because you don't want to get bread crumbs on the stick of butter.

[Anonymous]

Have tons of books available and read them with and to your kids often.
Cotillion.
Travel- all over.
Ski lessons
Golf lessons (join a country club)
Tennis lessons
Swim team
Horseback riding
Introduce a second language early on
Your kids will get accustomed to country clubs, nice travel, great restaurants and will learn how to behave accordingly
Volunteer. It starts with you. When appropriate start to add in volunteering with kids/as a family

Because of generational wealth I actually am not one of those striver moms who redshirted and is obsessed with the HYp private track. We focus on celebrating the children's individual strengths and attempting to show that helping others is a noble cause- more nobel than just chasing money when you have other options.