Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

I want to say so much to the bolded but instead I'll keep it classy and just put this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

I want to say so much to the bolded but instead I'll keep it classy and just put this

+ 1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

Nope - I think it's a Southern thing. And perhaps a debutante thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are some little things that I notice:

(1) When someone walks in a room and you're sitting down, you stand up to greet them.

(2) When you are taking a food item (even a cookie off of a plate) at a school or work function, you use tongs. (You don't just touch the cookie directly.)

(3) You eat slowly and take small bites.

(4) You have a lot of emotional intelligence -- greet people warmly, show a genuine interest in people, ask questions, etc.

(5) You have good orthodontics and take good care of your teeth.

(6) You do not lick your fingers when eating.

(7) Here's one that I'm having a had time teaching my kids -- When eating something with your hands (like a sandwich, burger, or pizza), you put the item down between bites and wipe your mouth with a napkin. You do not hold the food item continuously until you're done with it. And after wiping your mouth, you would ideally ask your dinner companion a question about their day or something of interest to them. Then, while listening to their answer, you can pick up the food item and continue eating it.

x10000

EVER.

Being warm and asking a lot of questions to show interest has nothing to do with income. In fact, many of the lower income children I know are far more polite than the spoiled richer ones who don't take their nose out of their ipads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up UMC, but two generations away from poverty.

Teach children the difference between "can" and "may". I find myself silently parroting my mom with, "I don't know, CAN you?"

Along those lines, using "a" instead of "this." As in, you don't say, " I saw THIS presentation" when you should say "I saw A presentation." Small thing.

Treat everyone with respect. Look them in the eye. Be kind and generous with people.
Take coats as soon as people enter the house. Offer them a beverage straight away, and it doesn't have to be alcohol.
Ask about people. Be interested in their lives and build conversations around mutual interests.
Don't talk about money.
Be humble. As I tell my son, if you say you are humble, you aren't.
Understand that some people are fighting battles you aren't aware of. (And don't end sentences with a preposition. (Smile).
Don't be walking advertisements for Disney, etc. when it comes to clothing
Understand that it is okay to be quirky as long as you don't tread on others.

I don't know about this one. I'm UMC now, and a lot of my fellow parents are constantly talking about how to teach their kids the value of a dollar because we are well-off and don't want the to be spoiled brats. Everyone seems to be doing exercises from Ron Lieber's book (the spend/save/give jar etc.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are some little things that I notice:

(1) When someone walks in a room and you're sitting down, you stand up to greet them.

(2) When you are taking a food item (even a cookie off of a plate) at a school or work function, you use tongs. (You don't just touch the cookie directly.)

(3) You eat slowly and take small bites.

(4) You have a lot of emotional intelligence -- greet people warmly, show a genuine interest in people, ask questions, etc.

(5) You have good orthodontics and take good care of your teeth.

(6) You do not lick your fingers when eating.

(7) Here's one that I'm having a had time teaching my kids -- When eating something with your hands (like a sandwich, burger, or pizza), you put the item down between bites and wipe your mouth with a napkin. You do not hold the food item continuously until you're done with it. And after wiping your mouth, you would ideally ask your dinner companion a question about their day or something of interest to them. Then, while listening to their answer, you can pick up the food item and continue eating it.

x10000

EVER.

Being warm and asking a lot of questions to show interest has nothing to do with income. In fact, many of the lower income children I know are far more polite than the spoiled richer ones who don't take their nose out of their ipads.

I'm not the PP, but someone from a lower middle class family who entered an upper middle class life through college and career. There was a noticeable difference and learning curve for me - the savviness and ease of the "cocktail manners" of those who grew up UMC versus the people "back home". My family members have good, polite manners. But not the confident ability to work a room and converse with anyone. There is a difference, and one I had to adjust to.

[Anonymous]

read about the ways poor vs rich use money

[Anonymous]

OP here. DCUM can be awful, but I love it because it can also be really awesome. Thanks everyone for their replies.

I actually posted an off shoot to this post over on the *Elementary Aged* forum. Here it is....Seriously, where else can I vent and get such good advice? So glad to have this resources. Thank you all.
*****
I was at a PTA coffee meet today, and I was literally the only one with afternoons free. Everyone has booked their kids Mon-Fri. Four of the moms had kids so proficient at dance/gymnastics/whatever, that they outgrew local lessons and are driving their kids to classes two or three towns over.

On the other hand, my girl is only doing Girl Scouts. Nothing else.

I mentioned the weekend houses thing because, to be honest, I can't stand most of these women. Sometimes, I think they're busy to be busy. Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder from growing up poor. The resources they pour into their kids astonish me, and makes me feel a little resentful, knowing how the other 99% live. So, that's my bias...and, intellectally, I know that there's a possibility that these women are making great choices for their kids. I want the same opportunities for my children--to be well rounded, have the ability to develop a passion early on, be able to fit into different social classes (unlike their well-educated, but working-class minded mom).

So what do I need to start now? What can wait? These seem to be popular.

Tennis
Swim
Horseback riding
Gymnastics
Ballet
Theater
Soccer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DCUM can be awful, but I love it because it can also be really awesome. Thanks everyone for their replies.

I actually posted an off shoot to this post over on the *Elementary Aged* forum. Here it is....Seriously, where else can I vent and get such good advice? So glad to have this resources. Thank you all.
*****
I was at a PTA coffee meet today, and I was literally the only one with afternoons free. Everyone has booked their kids Mon-Fri. Four of the moms had kids so proficient at dance/gymnastics/whatever, that they outgrew local lessons and are driving their kids to classes two or three towns over.

On the other hand, my girl is only doing Girl Scouts. Nothing else.

I mentioned the weekend houses thing because, to be honest, I can't stand most of these women. Sometimes, I think they're busy to be busy. Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder from growing up poor. The resources they pour into their kids astonish me, and makes me feel a little resentful, knowing how the other 99% live. So, that's my bias...and, intellectally, I know that there's a possibility that these women are making great choices for their kids. I want the same opportunities for my children--to be well rounded, have the ability to develop a passion early on, be able to fit into different social classes (unlike their well-educated, but working-class minded mom).

So what do I need to start now? What can wait? These seem to be popular.

Tennis
Swim
Horseback riding
Gymnastics
Ballet
Theater
Soccer

I would pick swim and maybe one other activity based on your child's interest. I think it really is life-limiting not to be able to swim, but other things are a bit more optional.

I would really try to avoid horse-back riding unless you absolutely cannot control your kid's enthusiasm for it. My niece rides, and she's quite good. My sister is barely holding it together trying to manage her practices and shows and nephews soccer plus both of their school commitments. The heavy weekend commitment for riding when they start showing is a major killer.

[Anonymous]

Swimming for the life skill aspect. Local soccer teams can be very low key and social and attract a mix of SES. Apart from that, I would let the child's interests guide in terms of sports. My DD chose ice skating and my DS chose fencing--came entirely from them.

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't know whether you're still following this thread, but I wanted to tell you about my miraculous transformation. You see, before reading this thread I was solidly middle class, but I've made the jump to UMC now! What changed my life? Butter. I now butter my bread in a UMC way. Truly magical. I have watched my bank account gain weight after every meal (or at lest those that include buttered bread). Thank you, DCUM, for the sage advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don't know whether you're still following this thread, but I wanted to tell you about my miraculous transformation. You see, before reading this thread I was solidly middle class, but I've made the jump to UMC now! What changed my life? Butter. I now butter my bread in a UMC way. Truly magical. I have watched my bank account gain weight after every meal (or at lest those that include buttered bread). Thank you, DCUM, for the sage advice!

That is amazing PP. I am on the wait list for Adult Remedial Cotillion and have high hopes for similar added value due to my new enhanced level of refinement.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a small town in a cash-strapped house. When I started college, at an Ivy, I initially found the company of well-off urban classmates from around the world intimidating.

My lovely mom offered coping advice that's stayed with me. It was this. If you feel out of place in the company of any particular group of people, take a deep breath, don't move, don't talk and find a few minutes to closely observe how those around you are behaving. If you want to learn how to dance a waltz, or use a knife a la Miss Manners, or hang your coat on a coat correctly, or use a putter, start by stopping, watching, and trying to copy. If you find you can't copy with confidence, look for somebody nice seeming to ask what to do. Then decamp to a private place (maybe a restroom) with a note pad and write down or illustrate what you just learned for future reference. Get away and practice the skill in a supportive environment, or alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

I want to say so much to the bolded but instead I'll keep it classy and just put this

So true. Rich people aren't out for themselves and never look to get stuff for free...

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/09/14/the-moochin-mnuchins-the-treasury-secretary-again-is-fodder-for-rich-humor/?hpid=hp_hp-morning-mix_mm-mnuchins%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.e31c5b3f4e79

[Anonymous]

Don't chew with your mouth open. Nibble quietly like the rest of us.