Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I just had to google "Cotillion". Guess that pretty much means I grew up poor and probably still am

Don't worry, I also had to google it, and I am English landed gentry. Maybe this is a very specific to DC thing?

It's an old school thing in the US. Somewhat popular still in pockets on the east coast.

It's a Southern thing. It was a preteen rite of passage growing up in Charleston, SC.

No, I did it, and grew up in Washington, DC.

Yes, like I said - Southern.

You consider DC, Southern? Do you also consider MD Southern just because they are below the Mason Dixon Line?

Yes. Below the Mason-Dixon line is in fact, Southern. Maryland had one of the largest populations of slaves in the Confederacy.

Southern.

I'm the NY guy above, so I agree that it's not crazy to consider MD southern. But I'm also a stickler for facts, so I need to correct you.

Maryland did not have "one of the largest populations of slaves in the Confederacy" for 2 reasons:
1. It wasn't in the Confederacy
2. According to the 1860 US Census, MD had 87k total slaves. Above MD on the list is 12 states -- from VA (490k) to Arkansas (111k). The only slave state that had fewer slaves than MD was Florida (62k), excluding a handful of generally non-slave states with a nominal # of slaves.

Southern nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few more thoughts.

-Family annual subscription the children's theater, kennedy center children's music programs, etc. Will give your kids a good background in classical culture that will be useful in HS and college.

Also, Google children's classical books by age, and see if your kids are interested.

-Subscription of Food and Wine for you. And/or, food section of the New York Times. Will give you basics on food trends, current thoughts on healthy eating, restaurants, wine/beer/spirits, which you can pass on to you kids as they grow.

-Subscription of Real Simple for you. Has a good mix of clothes/home décor/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I've struggled with in the transition is fashion. Growing up, I had five tips and five bottoms each season, because that stretched out budget to the max. Everything had to be pretty neutral, because anything too distinctive (bright color, bold pattern), would make it obvious really fast that I was wearing the same thing every week. And everything had to work together, because if you had a skirt that only went with one top and something happened to the top, I was down a bottom as well for the season. I still struggle with thing to put together a wardrobe, because I want more interesting stuff than I used to wear but I don't want to look garish, and I'm never comfortable I've hit the sweet spot. Accessories are something I've had to figure out too, I never had them growing up other than a couple of pairs of cheap earrings, nor did my mom. And what stores should I be shopping in, what's on-trend without being too trendy, what's too young for me and what's too old.

I don't know if this was the OP or an NP, but my favorite solution to this problem is to use the Nordstrom personal shopping service. They have excellent consultants who can pull everything you need (including accessories and undergarments--the right bra can be transformative!); they are also usually very good at respecting your budget. Dressing so that you feel good about yourself can be a huge confidence boost! Modeling and instilling self-confidence enables success and grace; it is much easier to be a positive, caring force when you're not worried about yourself!

(OP seems pretty confident, which is awesome! Just responding to the above and her comment about being "badly dressed.")

[Anonymous]

I had never had a pedicure, had my brows done at a salon, etc. never had highlights. Have made a point of making sure my girls know about these services and scheduling them etc. also didn't know about getting my daughter's school uniforms alteted at a tailor so they look sharp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a bit of an anthropologist but here's my list:

--Rudimentary knowledge of swimming, skiing, ice skating and tennis. Your kids don't need to be a superstar but should know the general gist. This is helpful if a friend asks your kid for a playdate.

--Read the New York Times and listen to NPR. This will help with general conversation. Bonus points for The New Yorker, The Atlantic, The Economist etc.

--Shop at Whole Foods. Their "junk food" is socially acceptable.

--Music lessons. You can start early with piano or violin or wait until the kid is in 4th grade or so and take the lessons that the school offers. Again, kid doesn't need to be a superstar.

--Go to museums and be familiar with the permanent collections

--Make sure they know classical music exists. My brother was once asked to name his favorite piece of classical music and he said "Stairway to Heaven."

--Have a pet

--Make sure kids' wardrobes is a variety of price points (all high end makes you look like new money). OK to have nice shoes as they will get a lot of wear.

--Take your kids to the theater, either locally or a trip to NYC. Once or twice is enough.

--Travel. International travel is great for kids. Domestic travel is also totally acceptable. However, don't just take trips to the beach. National parks and historical sites are fun and educational.

--Get your kids volunteering early.

--Many people mentioned table manners. They are important but I'm not sure too many kids need to know beyond the basics. Not too many shrimp cocktail forks being used today (my Nana is sighing from the grave). Better to expose them to a wide variety of foods and restaurants so they don't go over to someone's house and then get all freaked out at anything beyond mac n cheese and chicken nuggets.

All of these.

I'm also "an immigrant" from hard scrabble generational poverty to the middle class. Somewhere I saw a trio of lists of unwritten rules of the poor, middle, and upper classes. I recall that poor people had a lot of resourcefulness in making meals and entertaining themselves cheaply while the rich knew how to hire experts to do those things.

[Anonymous]

I also never knew you could buy duplicates of things. My mother literally had A lipstick. It took me years to figure out that most people have several and they experiment with makeup. Also never knew that other women buy a bunch if white t shirts or jeans, etc. so they will have a spare clean one to put on at any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing to consider is table manners - it's a bit of a cliche from the movies, but as someone who grew up UMC it's always been one of the little things that I notice.

A friend of mine in college took a business dining class in part because he had lower class origins. He had no idea what fork to use, continential vs european fork and knife ettiquite, how to signal he was finished etc, but he recognized that he needed to learn how for the industry he was going into. I grew up in a more upper class environment and this was just naturally learned.

I'm sure that, coming from "a more upper class environment" you're aware that Europe is the continent, so European and "continential" fork and knife "ettiquite" are one and the same.

[Anonymous]

Don't talk about money, ever. Prioritize education and graduate school. Stay in public if that's your preference. Read/subscribe to the publications listed upthread. Once your kids find an activity they like, let them specialize in it if they desire but not to the exclusion of everything else. Do not ignore or hide your heritage. Don't chew gum or allow your children to do so. Be familiar with American sport. Take them to occasional Nats and Caps games. Make sure your children respect everyone and every line of work. Do not speak ill of others, especially in front of your children. Don't show you're overly impressed with others' wealth or possessions. Create traditions that you enjoy, not for posting on Facebook. You don't need to get manicures (and don't EVER get fake nails) but you might get pedicures. Invest in yourself -- your hair, your skin and your wardrobe but not in an obvious way. Oh, and don't step on thresholds when walking through a doorway. Wipe your mouth with your napkin before you take a sip of your beverage. And for God's sake, only butter the small piece of bread you break off and are about to put in your mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Carbs are lower class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about money, ever. Prioritize education and graduate school. Stay in public if that's your preference. Read/subscribe to the publications listed upthread. Once your kids find an activity they like, let them specialize in it if they desire but not to the exclusion of everything else. Do not ignore or hide your heritage. Don't chew gum or allow your children to do so. Be familiar with American sport. Take them to occasional Nats and Caps games. Make sure your children respect everyone and every line of work. Do not speak ill of others, especially in front of your children. Don't show you're overly impressed with others' wealth or possessions. Create traditions that you enjoy, not for posting on Facebook. You don't need to get manicures (and don't EVER get fake nails) but you might get pedicures. Invest in yourself -- your hair, your skin and your wardrobe but not in an obvious way. Oh, and don't step on thresholds when walking through a doorway. Wipe your mouth with your napkin before you take a sip of your beverage. And for God's sake, only butter the small piece of bread you break off and are about to put in your mouth.

I'm a butter poster upthread and came back to add no chewing gum! You already hit that one.
The winner of the lottery was smacking gum as she was being interviewed. It was a teachable moment watching tonight's news.

[Anonymous]

Avoid toys and clothing that advertise television shows. Avoid all toys that involve batteries. I find it so frustrating that this is what my parents give my children for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Limit fruit juice and sodas or avoid them altogether if possible. No TV during the week. Educational TV on weekends for as many years you can get away with. Family movies and Scrabble. I think it's only been mentioned once or twice, but they need a series of ice skating lessons or a private lessor or two so they don't feel like an outcast at birthday parties. When they're old enough to have cell phones, keep them downstairs at night. Keep a consistent bedtime schedule. Do not give your kids everything and spoil them so they have no drive. Make them earn things. Give them chores. The most common theme on this thread, aside from butter, is people who have become successful because they had the drive to succeed, no doubt due to growing up with very little or in difficult circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't talk about money, ever. ...

How do umc parents respond to their children when kids make comments regarding the cost of things? Ex... "dad I want to buy this, it's so cheap". "Oppps, it broke...I'll just buy another one, they're only a few dollars". When kids want something that is over excessive like beach slippers that will be used once but cost 30 bucks because it has a pink butterfly.... do you say it's too expensive get the cheaper ones?

[Anonymous]

Make sure they understand the value of things and the importance of earning and saving.

Not talking about money to others outside of the family was the intent of the statement above. Teach your children to never ask someone how much money they make, the square feet of someone's home or what kind of car they drive. There was a lovely woman who used to live in town but she really stuck out when she said things like "I just got new sheets and they were only $1,100" or "Isn't this handbag amazing? Only $950!" Totally gave her cover away. Something else stupid I've heard from another woman is "I only shop at Whole Foods." Remember, op, you don't need to prove anything to anyone.

[Anonymous]

This has to be one of the most depressing threads. It's obvious that OP has serious issues that she needs to deal with, but people are giving her actual advice about how to fit in with UMC people! Sadly, she is acting like a kid in high school. Please get help.