Teach Me to Raise an "Upper-Middle Class" Child

[Anonymous]

Op unlike the previous poster I will try to be helpful. My mom was like you and I am a product of grandparents who were homeless,?drug addicted, teen moms, etc.

My dad did very well in business and my family is now wealthy. My mom tried to play the game and was frustrated all my youth and probably still is.

Things she did--she got etiquette books and treated them like the Bible. She paid attention to other parents in the social circle she found herself in all the time. Asked open-ended questions like what activities is your DD doing? And pretended like she knew what was going on. "Oh, your DD is in tennis? We're considering it. I've been too busy to get her registered" The next week I'd be signed up for tennis. Of course she'd never thought of tennis. Same with piano.

Healthy food became important in these circles. She stopped cooking rice a roni at some point and moved to organics and steamed vegetables.

My advice is be yourself. This is a game you can't win and will kill yourself if you try to play. Just enjoy your kids and give them love and what you think they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Lol, there is a butter plate on the table. You use your knife to portion off some butter, then butter the piece of bread you're about to bite. Put down your knife, bite your bread, put down the rest of the bread, chew and swallow. Then when you're ready for another bite of bread, butter than bit of bread. You can bite your bread and put the rest down on the bread plate. That's fine.

So is it your own butter plate? Or is it shared and therefore the equivalent of double dipping?

[Anonymous]

The ability to swim is not a class divider. I also disagree with the poster regarding orthodontia - most WASPs I know do not have straight teeth - it's a MC/UMC marker.

Agree with the others - pat of butter on the bread plate, butter from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Lol, there is a butter plate on the table. You use your knife to portion off some butter, then butter the piece of bread you're about to bite. Put down your knife, bite your bread, put down the rest of the bread, chew and swallow. Then when you're ready for another bite of bread, butter than bit of bread. You can bite your bread and put the rest down on the bread plate. That's fine.

This is poor etiquette. If there is a butter knife provided with the butter plate/bowl you use that to put some butter on your plate. Then you use your personal knife to spread butter on your bread. If there is not a butter knife provided you may use your CLEAN personal knife to take butter from the communal butter plate. Once you have used that knife to spread butter on your food you should not use it again on the communal butter. But this is all nicey-nice stuff that doesn't matter much if you're just eating with family and no one cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Lol, there is a butter plate on the table. You use your knife to portion off some butter, then butter the piece of bread you're about to bite. Put down your knife, bite your bread, put down the rest of the bread, chew and swallow. Then when you're ready for another bite of bread, butter than bit of bread. You can bite your bread and put the rest down on the bread plate. That's fine.

So is it your own butter plate? Or is it shared and therefore the equivalent of double dipping?

There's one plate of butter on the table. It's shared. You know what? This is getting too complicated. Just don't eat bread at the beginning of a meal. Who needs those carbs anyway, right?

[Anonymous]

Swim lessons are definitely necessary. For other extracurriculars, I'd say focus in the early years on exposing your children to a variety of arts and athletic areas and then support deeper engagement with what appeals to them. It's good to have them do one thing artistic (music, dance, etc.) and one thing athletic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Lol, there is a butter plate on the table. You use your knife to portion off some butter, then butter the piece of bread you're about to bite. Put down your knife, bite your bread, put down the rest of the bread, chew and swallow. Then when you're ready for another bite of bread, butter than bit of bread. You can bite your bread and put the rest down on the bread plate. That's fine.

This is not right.
If there is a butter knife with the dish, use it to put butter on your bread plate of the side of your dinner plate if there is no bread plate. Then you break off a piece of the bread, put the larger whole piece of bread back on the plate, use your own knife to get butter from your plate and butter that tiny portion (hold it with thumb and forefinger). Put down your knife (once it's used on the plate, NEVER the table) Eat the bite of bread. pull off another bite and butter from the glob of butter in your plate. When you're out of butter, use the butter knife to put more butter on your plate. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a bit of an anthropologist but here's my list:

--Rudimentary knowledge of swimming, skiing, ice skating and tennis. Your kids don't need to be a superstar but should know the general gist. This is helpful if a friend asks your kid for a playdate.

--Read the New York Times and listen to NPR. This will help with general conversation. Bonus points for The New Yorker, The Atlantic, The Economist etc.

--Shop at Whole Foods. Their "junk food" is socially acceptable.

--Music lessons. You can start early with piano or violin or wait until the kid is in 4th grade or so and take the lessons that the school offers. Again, kid doesn't need to be a superstar.

--Go to museums and be familiar with the permanent collections

--Make sure they know classical music exists. My brother was once asked to name his favorite piece of classical music and he said "Stairway to Heaven."

--Have a pet

--Make sure kids' wardrobes is a variety of price points (all high end makes you look like new money). OK to have nice shoes as they will get a lot of wear.

--Take your kids to the theater, either locally or a trip to NYC. Once or twice is enough.

--Travel. International travel is great for kids. Domestic travel is also totally acceptable. However, don't just take trips to the beach. National parks and historical sites are fun and educational.

--Get your kids volunteering early.

--Many people mentioned table manners. They are important but I'm not sure too many kids need to know beyond the basics. Not too many shrimp cocktail forks being used today (my Nana is sighing from the grave). Better to expose them to a wide variety of foods and restaurants so they don't go over to someone's house and then get all freaked out at anything beyond mac n cheese and chicken nuggets.

[Anonymous]

You are invited to beach houses you are doing fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Lol, there is a butter plate on the table. You use your knife to portion off some butter, then butter the piece of bread you're about to bite. Put down your knife, bite your bread, put down the rest of the bread, chew and swallow. Then when you're ready for another bite of bread, butter than bit of bread. You can bite your bread and put the rest down on the bread plate. That's fine.

This is not right.
If there is a butter knife with the dish, use it to put butter on your bread plate of the side of your dinner plate if there is no bread plate. Then you break off a piece of the bread, put the larger whole piece of bread back on the plate, use your own knife to get butter from your plate and butter that tiny portion (hold it with thumb and forefinger). Put down your knife (once it's used on the plate, NEVER the table) Eat the bite of bread. pull off another bite and butter from the glob of butter in your plate. When you're out of butter, use the butter knife to put more butter on your plate. Repeat.

Yes! Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Teach your kids how to navigate a variety of social and other situations - fancy restaurant, church, library, museum, airplane. They should be well groomed and know how to take care of their skin and hair when age appropriate.

Most important, teach them how to ask good questions, listen, figure things out, be polite and friendly. Those skills will get them farther than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

DP here. Grew up upper middle class and I was taught that you're supposed to put a pat of butter on your plate and then take that butter to butter your bread - because you don't want to get bread crumbs on the stick of butter.

This is correct. You don't use your knife, you use the butter knife that stays with the communal butter to portion off some to your plate, unless you are served a personal portion of butter. Either way, you use your own butter knife to butter your own piece of bread (not the whole thing at once, as original pp said). Generally speaking, you work from the outside in if seated with multiple courses-worth of silverware. Your personal butter knife is usually found up near your bread plate, which is the small one to the left of your main plate, above the fork(s).

[Anonymous]

I never understood why it's so important to not butter your whole piece of bread. If it's s roll, I can see how that would look odd but if it's a sliced style of bread, why not?
Use the communal knife to put it on your plate, use your knife to spread it on the bread seems like an okay way to do it.


-immigrant

[Anonymous]

Jesus Christ enough with the butter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're rich, OP. Maybe you don't come from rich, maybe you don't feel rich, but you ARE rich.

Teach your kid to eat at the table, elbows off, chew with mouth closed, don't talk with food in mouth. Butter only the bread you're about to chew. Don't butter the whole piece of bread and don't put a pat of butter on your plate to butter from. Napkin in lap. Please and thank you to waitstaff. Don't eat until everyone at the table has been served. Teach to eat neatly. Don't stuff your mouth full. Be willing to try new foods. Know how to say "I hate that crap!" nicely.

Teach your kid manners. Get up for old, handicapped, pregnant people. Hold the door for everyone with a smile. People who are poor are always out for themselves and are always desperate to get everything they can free. Only take one sample.

My DD has never taken swim lessons. She figured it out herself. But yes, know how to play sports. Doesn't have to win awards, but you don't want to be picked last for a team because you suck.

Serious question. If you're not supposed to butter the whole piece of bread and you're not supposed to put a pat of butter on your bread plate, what do you do with it? Do you just not use butter? Ask someone to pass the butter every time you want a bite of bread? The habit I picked up from client lunches at my first "professional" job was to take a pat of butter, and then eat the bread by breaking off a bite-sized piece, butter that bite individually, and then put the whole thing in my mouth. I don't butter the whole thing at once, and I never take a bite out of my bread and then put the rest back down. Is that wrong?

Lol, there is a butter plate on the table. You use your knife to portion off some butter, then butter the piece of bread you're about to bite. Put down your knife, bite your bread, put down the rest of the bread, chew and swallow. Then when you're ready for another bite of bread, butter than bit of bread. You can bite your bread and put the rest down on the bread plate. That's fine.

This is not right.
If there is a butter knife with the dish, use it to put butter on your bread plate of the side of your dinner plate if there is no bread plate. Then you break off a piece of the bread, put the larger whole piece of bread back on the plate, use your own knife to get butter from your plate and butter that tiny portion (hold it with thumb and forefinger). Put down your knife (once it's used on the plate, NEVER the table) Eat the bite of bread. pull off another bite and butter from the glob of butter in your plate. When you're out of butter, use the butter knife to put more butter on your plate. Repeat.

Can you all start a new thread?