How can I get DW to work more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

We stopped at 2 kids, we allow one activity per season and arrange carpools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

Leisure is for Sunday afternoons and retirement It's not fair for one spouse to have 20 hours a week of leisure time and for the other to have 5, now is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

So it's okay to squander your kids college fund so you can Netflix and chill? Did you even read the OP?

By that logic, everyone should be working 16 hours a day...for the college funds!

My husband and I saved enough to pay our childrens' college tuition in full by working 40-45 hours a week, but we have done that for 25+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

We stopped at 2 kids, we allow one activity per season and arrange carpools.

Yeah? Well I have one kid with no activities 9okay--bball for two months twice a week) and though I work, no carpooling.

Doesn't change the fact that other families have different situations. What is your point anyway?

I am pretty sure that poster wasn't saying her was the only way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

I was talking about the mental management load of deciding and signing up the kids, which so many 'house managers' lament

The nanny can be a perfectly good taxi just like you

A nanny can cost Moore than mom earns especially with a 3rd car.

Only if Mom can't earn much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, who doesn't like leisure time? I always LOL when that card gets thrown out like it's some sort of insult.

Why yes I do like having the time to do things I like to do! You got me there

Leisure is for Sunday afternoons and retirement It's not fair for one spouse to have 20 hours a week of leisure time and for the other to have 5, now is it?

I am pretty sure it is not up to you to decide what is fair or not fair for OTHER couples. I work 30 hours a week, so about 15 less than my husband.I fill that with chores, books, exercise and kids stuff.

Over the years, we have tried different combinations, but my husband likes working more hours, and I do not. He gets first dibs at leisure time on evenings and weekends, and he chooses like 905 of the time to spend it with our kid, because that is leisurely to him. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

You still don't get it. You are saying that MOMS need to be organized and efficient, spending lunch hours researching and signing up for camps, making orthodontist appointments, arranging carpools for baseball games, while DH....goes out for lunch with his buddies (aka, "networking") or eats his lunch from home at his computer desk reading ESPN.com . What about this seems equitable and fair to you? Even if you enjoy this stuff, which I do, I resent the fact that I have to do it because if I don't then no one else will (at least not in a timely fashion). And yes, there are repercussions if we don't sign up for this sort of stuff on time. We cannot afford to deal with the consequences of having no camp options because DH waited until the last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

We stopped at 2 kids, we allow one activity per season and arrange carpools.

Yeah? Well I have one kid with no activities 9okay--bball for two months twice a week) and though I work, no carpooling.

Doesn't change the fact that other families have different situations. What is your point anyway?

I am pretty sure that poster wasn't saying her was the only way...

My point was, don't act like one parent couldn't possibly work full time because of kids' activities. Have fewer children or cut back on kids' activities, unless having a parent do the carpooling, and doing a lot of carpooling, is important to your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

You still don't get it. You are saying that MOMS need to be organized and efficient, spending lunch hours researching and signing up for camps, making orthodontist appointments, arranging carpools for baseball games, while DH....goes out for lunch with his buddies (aka, "networking") or eats his lunch from home at his computer desk reading ESPN.com . What about this seems equitable and fair to you? Even if you enjoy this stuff, which I do, I resent the fact that I have to do it because if I don't then no one else will (at least not in a timely fashion). And yes, there are repercussions if we don't sign up for this sort of stuff on time. We cannot afford to deal with the consequences of having no camp options because DH waited until the last minute.

You still don't get it. You can't force men who don't want this skill set to develop it. I spent the first 15 years of my marriage resenting it, but now I (largely) accept it. I am raising my sons differently but my husband is a lost cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

You still don't get it. You are saying that MOMS need to be organized and efficient, spending lunch hours researching and signing up for camps, making orthodontist appointments, arranging carpools for baseball games, while DH....goes out for lunch with his buddies (aka, "networking") or eats his lunch from home at his computer desk reading ESPN.com . What about this seems equitable and fair to you? Even if you enjoy this stuff, which I do, I resent the fact that I have to do it because if I don't then no one else will (at least not in a timely fashion). And yes, there are repercussions if we don't sign up for this sort of stuff on time. We cannot afford to deal with the consequences of having no camp options because DH waited until the last minute.

You still don't get it. You can't force men who don't want this skill set to develop it. I spent the first 15 years of my marriage resenting it, but now I (largely) accept it. I am raising my sons differently but my husband is a lost cause.

Just because you've given up on your DH doesn't mean the rest of us should. I think if you want to raise your son to be a more equal partner then he needs to see DH accepting more responsibility, even if it means slow progress. I've been married for 12 years and even though I am still the default parent, over the last decade DH has become more and more willing and capable of sharing childcare and household responsibilities. It's a work in progress. And, with a son and a daughter, I think it's important that they see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

We stopped at 2 kids, we allow one activity per season and arrange carpools.

Yeah? Well I have one kid with no activities 9okay--bball for two months twice a week) and though I work, no carpooling.

Doesn't change the fact that other families have different situations. What is your point anyway?

I am pretty sure that poster wasn't saying her was the only way...

My point was, don't act like one parent couldn't possibly work full time because of kids' activities. Have fewer children or cut back on kids' activities, unless having a parent do the carpooling, and doing a lot of carpooling, is important to your family.

You point is NOT taken. Some people prioritize having a big family over other things-like working full time. You do not. I do not. You and I prioritize other things. The choice to stay at a home to accommodate a big family is just as valid as the choice to have one and stay at work. Or the choice to have five kids and stay working full time and carpooling.

Just because your way CAN be done doesn't make it the ONLY way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am LOLing at the kids activities 4x a year

We have three kids ages 5-8, they're each in three activities, and we are out every night of the week and 2x on Saturday.

Driving them to and from takes up a LOT of time.

We stopped at 2 kids, we allow one activity per season and arrange carpools.

Yeah? Well I have one kid with no activities 9okay--bball for two months twice a week) and though I work, no carpooling.

Doesn't change the fact that other families have different situations. What is your point anyway?

I am pretty sure that poster wasn't saying her was the only way...

My point was, don't act like one parent couldn't possibly work full time because of kids' activities. Have fewer children or cut back on kids' activities, unless having a parent do the carpooling, and doing a lot of carpooling, is important to your family.

You point is NOT taken. Some people prioritize having a big family over other things-like working full time. You do not. I do not. You and I prioritize other things. The choice to stay at a home to accommodate a big family is just as valid as the choice to have one and stay at work. Or the choice to have five kids and stay working full time and carpooling.

Just because your way CAN be done doesn't make it the ONLY way.

Why would a person who chose to have a large family, or who chose to have three children and put them each in multiple activities, LOL at what I imagine is the majority of other DMV families who have a much lower kid/kid activity level? It's a different, valid choice of course but not necessarily the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

You still don't get it. You are saying that MOMS need to be organized and efficient, spending lunch hours researching and signing up for camps, making orthodontist appointments, arranging carpools for baseball games, while DH....goes out for lunch with his buddies (aka, "networking") or eats his lunch from home at his computer desk reading ESPN.com . What about this seems equitable and fair to you? Even if you enjoy this stuff, which I do, I resent the fact that I have to do it because if I don't then no one else will (at least not in a timely fashion). And yes, there are repercussions if we don't sign up for this sort of stuff on time. We cannot afford to deal with the consequences of having no camp options because DH waited until the last minute.

You still don't get it. You can't force men who don't want this skill set to develop it. I spent the first 15 years of my marriage resenting it, but now I (largely) accept it. I am raising my sons differently but my husband is a lost cause.

Just because you've given up on your DH doesn't mean the rest of us should. I think if you want to raise your son to be a more equal partner then he needs to see DH accepting more responsibility, even if it means slow progress. I've been married for 12 years and even though I am still the default parent, over the last decade DH has become more and more willing and capable of sharing childcare and household responsibilities. It's a work in progress. And, with a son and a daughter, I think it's important that they see that.

If I badger my DH to do more, he just won't interact with me except for the bare minimum, and there's certainly no sex, so I gave up. Good for you for continuing the battle.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you even here anymore?

(1) I agree with those who think that more supervision in the middle-school/high school years is a good thing. Kids this age really need emotional support and guidance
(2) just because your spouse "agreed" to something in the past does not mean her feelings can't change
(3) you may well be disregarding all the "household" work she does or have a not realistic view of how time-consuming it is
(4) she may simply prioritize less stress for your family over income. You may not agree. but it's a legitimate point of view for a person to take
(5) are your money worries real? or would it just be nice to have more income?
(6) if your money worries are real, sit her down and walk her through retirement, college, etc. Convincing her is the only way to "get" her to work more
(7) you may just have to accept this. my spouse makes very little income and it was not what I expected when we married. but he is wonderful in many other ways, is an excellent father to our children, and does other valuable things in the community (not just sitting around watching TV all day). He always hated working regular jobs and I'd really rather not deal with him all stressed out. I have decided to just accept this as part of the package deal that is him
(8) if you are unhappy with your own work, try to address that directly and make changes to assist your happiness. In other words, I hope you are not taking a "I am unhappy working so she should be too" approach.
(9) It is indeed stressful to be the primary breadwinner, I know. Make sure you have articulated that to your spouse. You should get "credit" for that and it should be recognized and appreciated, not taken for granted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. DW works privately now and makes a good hourly rate, just doesn't work nearly enough hours. She either needs to find more clients or get a job working for someone where the hourly rate is less but she works more hours and sees a higher annual income. And to the PP saying get a higher paying job, even if I did make more, out of principle I believe DW should be working more now that kids are gone from 745-315 every day. That was what we always said before kids. To each their own, but I personally don't respect people as much if they aren't contributing, either by working or being s SAH parent to young children.

She is contributing. She's probably doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, most of the kids stuff like doctors, activities, and much more. Its sad you don't appreciate her. And, she is working and pulling in money. If she works full time are you going to do all the things she is doing from 7:45-315 - doubtful.

Who does all the planning? Who goes grocery shopping and plans the meals? Who takes the initiative to do things like sign the kids up for activities, make doctor's appointments, buy clothes that fit, schedules haircuts, buys birthday presents, pays PTA dues, schedule piano lessons, hires the lawn guy, hires the cleaners, hires the sitters, etc? Do you have the kids' dentists, pediatrician, teachers', school front desk, and kids' friends' parents numbers on your phone? Do you know who to call for emergency carpools? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear?

If you are truly 50-50, then you should be doing all of the above 50-50. Not just carrying out requests, but actively taking the initiative and managing your children's lives. Once you are there, you can ask your wife to up her hours to FT.

Let's break this down, like a professional:
Kids activities: 4x year (once a season)
Doctors appts: 4x year (lets say they need follow ups, but probably 1x)
Kids clothes: 4x year (seasonal and that is generous, really back to school is all you need), and has to happen when kids are home so weekend anyway
Schedule haircuts: You schedule a child's haircut??? Hello supercuts, then a movie after on the weekend.
Birthday presents: Amazon
PTA dues: OMFG you are reaching here. 1x year. Paypal.
Schedule Piano lessons: 1x year
Lawn guy, cleaners: 1x every 3 years (how often do people change their routine?)
Sitters: For middle schoolers???
Phone numbers: Hello iPhone Google and shared contacts.
"Emergency" carpool? For middle schoolers? they probably know which parents to call.
Shoe size: Again MIDDLE SCHOOLERS.

Did you even read the OP?

This may not seem like a lot, but my DH does NONE of this unless I ask. Does yours actually take the initiave? BTW, if we don't book our dr yearly annuals a month in advance, we are late for forms. Also, I make summer camp plans in January--as does most of upper NW DC. DH has NEVER signed the kids up for camps. And he would probably only remember to do this in June, when most of the camps are booked, and then we'd be screwed. Kudos to your marriage if your DH actually plans this stuff and manages to delegate appropriately. In my circle, I can confidently say that moms do 95% of the planning, and the dads execute 35%-45% only if and when asked.

But you could do 100% of all of this on your lunch hour, after work or on weekends. The hard truth is you like having a lot of leisure time.

The hard truth is that moms like you have resigned themselves to being the default parent and accept sexism within your family while shaming moms who work PT or SAH for refusing to accept the second shift.
-FT working mom who struggles with being the default parent

+1

How many of us would choose to work if finances, our partners, children, extended family and/or situation truly gave us the choice? Not saying there aren't those who would. But always these mommy wars are soaked in jealousy and spite.

I truly have a choice, yet I work 45 hours a week, plus commute, and do 90% of everything at home. I also exercise 5-7 hours a week. You just need to be organized and efficient.

I don't want to live like this. Sorry but it sounds miserable to me.