Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, can you try to take even a little pleasure in the fact that he seems to enjoy his job and feels there is value in what he does--value beyond income?

If I'm reading your post right, he likes his government job because he feels he's doing something good and he has autonomy doing it. Can you, yourself, find something in his job, his work ethic, his being on "the good side" as you put it, that is worth your being proud of him? The post focuses solely on your expectations of having a certain income and house by a certain point in your marriage, and doesn't indicate what you think of the actual work he does day to day in his job. If he does something that he considers worthwhile and a contribution to whatever his agency's mission is....Do you think you could sit down and examine why you cannot find that admirable?

Maybe it's better to have a spouse who is fulfilled in his job, and live with him and your kids in an apartment, rather than a spouse who is miserable, or just bored and in a rut, but brings home the bacon to a big house he doesn't see much because he's working so many hours.

If you truly cannot find any pride or interest in his work, maybe you need some couples counseling where you tell him what you told us, because he needs to know that you are resenting him every day. And you need to look at whether your own focus and expectations are out of whack. Or you can go on posting anonymously and getting more resentful until one day you are posting about how you are going to leave him but you won't make enough with your own salary and child support payments to afford a house.

Please start communicating with him, and think about why you're unable to be pleased that the person you love is a job he likes and wants.

I'm surprised DCUM is defending the DH! What's wrong?

I think DH is behaving like an entitled child. He's a smart, highly educated kid that does not want to leave his playground (DC) nor do the things necessary (take a high paying job) to keep playing there. This family should either move to the suburbs where they can afford a house in a good school district or DH needs to take on a high paying job.

[Anonymous]

Younger women, 40 and under, especially in the Mid-Atlantic region, have no idea of the demographics working in their favor, and working against the average man in this country.

My parents and grandparents could make a living off of one income right after high school. They could afford a house, two cars, grocery shopping, going out to eat once a week, a vacation or two, even a house at "the lake."

Those days are gone.

Try not to be so hard on the guy. Who cares if you out-earn him? Why do you want to cut your hours at work?

I would only care if I had to work if my DH controlled the money.

I have a friend who has to work to contribute to the household income, and her DH still controls how the money is spent. And he spends it on his toys, like a new truck, electronics, etc.

[Anonymous]

Agree, that is rough in DC. I’d tried to convince him to move and find a cushy govt do-nothing job elsewhere. Your quality of life must suck.

[Anonymous]

This is a year old thread.

[Anonymous]

It may be a year old, but the solution is to move to the less expensive burbs with the rest of us feds.

[Anonymous]

I opened this thinking the DH must be unemployer or repeatedly lose jobs. Not that he was a GS 14!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be a year old, but the solution is to move to the less expensive burbs with the rest of us feds.

That requires step down for the DCUM crowd, many of whom equate fed life with lo life.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Wow - what a surprise to find this again. I actually opened it thinking it was someone else’s post!

Here’s an update:

1. We bought a house. It’s a modest house inside beltway. we both love it. Quality of day to day life improved immediately. Feels great to be part of a less transient community. Our oldest started kindergarten at local school and we even hosted family for Christmas for first time. We went $100k over what we had thought we would pay initially. Real estate in this area is sobering. It’s ridiculous but it is what it is. I think/hope that being close to dc and us planning on staying awhile, that it’ll all work out.

2. Months after buying the house I landed a higher paying job. It’s pretty demanding Which has made me really really appreciate that my husband’s job is predictable. He’s picked up a lot of the responsibilities at home - shopping, dinnner, pick up, bills, doc appts. It’s been nice for a number of reasons - 1) it takes some of the worry away financially 2) I appreciate all he handles home to make this work and 3) I was really down on dc but this new job is helping keep things interesting.

Was funny to come across this post. For anyone going through the same thing I feel for you. It almost ruined us. Buying really helped. And if we couldnt have bought, I think renting a house would have helped. Apartments w small kids can feel like jail cells when that’s not where you want to be. I will also add that out longer commute (extra 20 mins) hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.

[Anonymous]

What are you doing to increase your earnings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow - what a surprise to find this again. I actually opened it thinking it was someone else’s post!

Here’s an update:

1. We bought a house. It’s a modest house inside beltway. we both love it. Quality of day to day life improved immediately. Feels great to be part of a less transient community. Our oldest started kindergarten at local school and we even hosted family for Christmas for first time. We went $100k over what we had thought we would pay initially. Real estate in this area is sobering. It’s ridiculous but it is what it is. I think/hope that being close to dc and us planning on staying awhile, that it’ll all work out.

2. Months after buying the house I landed a higher paying job. It’s pretty demanding Which has made me really really appreciate that my husband’s job is predictable. He’s picked up a lot of the responsibilities at home - shopping, dinnner, pick up, bills, doc appts. It’s been nice for a number of reasons - 1) it takes some of the worry away financially 2) I appreciate all he handles home to make this work and 3) I was really down on dc but this new job is helping keep things interesting.

Was funny to come across this post. For anyone going through the same thing I feel for you. It almost ruined us. Buying really helped. And if we couldnt have bought, I think renting a house would have helped. Apartments w small kids can feel like jail cells when that’s not where you want to be. I will also add that out longer commute (extra 20 mins) hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be.

That’s great OP. I do think it helps a ton to have neighbors who are trying to put down roots.

[Anonymous]

Im feeling like same way in my marriage. My husband's lack to provide for our is making it hard for me to show interest in him especially sexually. He's not working at all. If a job is to hard or challenging he'll quit. Our savings account is empty I'm looking for a second job and going to school with four children and school is right around the corner for them. He wants to become a cop but isn't taking any steps to make that happen. I'm to my breaking point. The car we own he pawn the title giving us(me) another bill to pay. When I try to take to him or show a little irritation I'm being self centered or all I care about is money. Please someone any advice or opinions.

[Anonymous]

10 years and still in the same dumpy arpartment with two kids means YOU are earning enough either OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im feeling like same way in my marriage. My husband's lack to provide for our is making it hard for me to show interest in him especially sexually. He's not working at all. If a job is to hard or challenging he'll quit. Our savings account is empty I'm looking for a second job and going to school with four children and school is right around the corner for them. He wants to become a cop but isn't taking any steps to make that happen. I'm to my breaking point. The car we own he pawn the title giving us(me) another bill to pay. When I try to take to him or show a little irritation I'm being self centered or all I care about is money. Please someone any advice or opinions.

WHY THE HELL did you have FOUR kids with this deadbeat?

Also, this thread is several months old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger women, 40 and under, especially in the Mid-Atlantic region, have no idea of the demographics working in their favor, and working against the average man in this country.

My parents and grandparents could make a living off of one income right after high school. They could afford a house, two cars, grocery shopping, going out to eat once a week, a vacation or two, even a house at "the lake."

Those days are gone.

Try not to be so hard on the guy. Who cares if you out-earn him? Why do you want to cut your hours at work?

I would only care if I had to work if my DH controlled the money.

I have a friend who has to work to contribute to the household income, and her DH still controls how the money is spent. And he spends it on his toys, like a new truck, electronics, etc.

This has always been difficult for most people of color in this country. My dad and my uncles all enlisted after HS and came out to find that the union jobs and government-protected mortgages weren’t meant for them. All married women who could make more than them as nurses, teachers, and even domestics. One uncle got lucky because he saved a man’s life and was offered a job at Ford. Only then could he access that one income good life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 years and still in the same dumpy arpartment with two kids means YOU are earning enough either OP.

NP. Did you just read the OLD initial post and leap in with this reply? Keep up, please. See OP's update above. You totally missed the boat with this reply. The apartment is history, for starters.

Next time, look at the dates on posts and look at whether OPs update.