Reply to Would this bother you re: infertility and IL behavior

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I can understand why you are upset OP.

I can also understand why your relatives had to put up a firewall regarding children.

I think the question here is whether or not you want the children to be close. [b] If you do then you need to let go of the anger.  Just let it go.[/b]  Accept the overtures being made now.  Try to accept them in the spirit of people finally being able to talk happily about other's kids, now that they may actually become parents themselves.  Try to view that first lengthy call and chat about your child as an overture by them - a LONG time spent talking about your child, before delivering their news.  That doesn't sound accidental to me - it sounds like a couple saying "You know, when we call Jane and Bill I want to make a point about asking about X at length.  We haven't been able to even handle the topic so it's just the decent thing to do now that we are pregnant.  We may need to do some work there to repair that relationship..."

Give them the benefit of the doubt.  Remember that every pregnancy doesn't necessarily result in a happy birth and hope desperately for them that theirs does.  Rejoice in a new baby, and a cousin for your child, and relatives who are in a much happier place that might allow for a real relationship now.

Take the high road.  Let go of your anger.  Be the bigger person.  You had the infinitely easier path to parenthood and were spared the pain they went through.  Perhaps some time in the future you will face your own struggle and will need to put up a wall around some subject matter yourself.

Just try to let it go and focus on what you want for the kids in 5,10,20 years.[/quote]

See, I don't get why it's not okay for OP (or rather her DH) to have a conversation about it rather than pretending like nothing happened.  That's not the way to a healthy relationship.  It doesn't kill anyone to acknowledge that there's hurt on both sides and that they would like to move forward with a relationship.  It's completely unhealthy to pretend that hurt feelings never occurred in a relationship...it just ends up making it more superficial.  Having been through an IF struggle similar to the SILs, I can say that it's very easy to get self-centered on your pain during that time.  It might be what's needed to survive, but it doesn't mean that you didn't hurt anyone's feeling while you were doing your surviving.  It would be very nice and caring of OP and her DH to open themselves up to SIL again, but that doesn't mean they have to be doormats.[b]  No one person's pain gives them the right to hurt everyone else, even if the slight isn't as great as the pain they may be feeling.  Again, maybe that's what they have to do to survive, but that doesn't mean they never have to apologize or even acknowledge their past slights[/b].[/quote]
I couldn't agree more.[/quote]

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