I've been unknowingly dating a transgender man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe she really "looked feminine"

I have yet to meet a transgender person who could truly pass themselves off completely. Plenty of giveaways, like an adam's apple, height, the huge difference in muscular structure and body shape between men and women...


If you really were attracted to "her" you might want to consider the possibility that you are bi, and be a bit more open minded. Clearly there was something in "her" male form that attracted you.

x2

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm a physician; I treated a young man last year in the emergency dept. He had gone out the night before, drinking with friends, and woke up across town in an apt he didn't recognize. He had no memory of going there. Didn't know the neighborhood. His wallet was with him, money still there. His pants were unbuttoned, not pulled down but around his hips.

His exam didn't indicate assault, but that doesn't mean much. He was deeply upset by the encounter. Bewildered, frightened, and tearful. He was a big guy; football player, very typical masculine appearing college kid.

Your feelings of anger and helplessness re: what happened to you are valid. This is an uncommon position in which a man finds himself, and as some previous comments indicate, you're not really given much space to feel what my patient felt. You may feel unsettled for a long period of time, esp as a survivor of sexual abuse as a child. If you feel comfortable, you might want to reach out to a therapist for a few sessions. Not saying you won't move on from this. I think you'll be fine. But just a reminder that it's OK to have residual feelings about the event, which doesn't make you gay, a rageaholic, or unhinged.

The woman you dated has her own issues to deal with; as you probably understand, the world isn't kind to the transgender community. She may be struggling through the clumsy world of dating and behave in regrettable ways at times, as some of us have also done. Something that can be effective is writing a letter. I know that may seem passive, but it can be very powerful to say exactly what you need to say, and have someone read your words uninterrupted. You can offer how she might reveal the information better in the future, how it made you feel. Reiterate your right to make informed decisions about physical intimacy (understanding that it's also tricky for her to be vulnerable about her sexuality with someone she hasn't gotten to know).

Good luck.

OP here. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I see a therapist monthly (I used to do it due to depression, but now I do it just to as more of a mental maintenance check), so your comments to discuss this with him will definitely be heeded.

Sounds like you're on the right track. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe she really "looked feminine"

I have yet to meet a transgender person who could truly pass themselves off completely. Plenty of giveaways, like an adam's apple, height, the huge difference in muscular structure and body shape between men and women...


If you really were attracted to "her" you might want to consider the possibility that you are bi, and be a bit more open minded. Clearly there was something in "her" male form that attracted you.

x2

Totally agree.

You are certainly welcome to believe that. I would have said the same thing prior to this experience. All the trans women or cross dressing men I have seen in person have definitely looked like men. They also didn't have a butt or sizable breasts (not that that is a prerequisite for being a woman). her breasts were in the C range and they were firm and perky (TMI). Her family comes from money so I'm pretty sure she had work done at this point. Her shoulders are broad for a petite woman, but she used to be a competitive swimmer (according to her). Without you physically meeting her, there is no way I could intelligently explain it. All I know is that, while there is Nothing wrong with being bi or gay, the memory of kissing her (him) and any potential thoughts of physical intimacy makes me physically nauseous. Since some of you are into labels, if that makes me a homophobe then so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe she really "looked feminine"

I have yet to meet a transgender person who could truly pass themselves off completely. Plenty of giveaways, like an adam's apple, height, the huge difference in muscular structure and body shape between men and women...


If you really were attracted to "her" you might want to consider the possibility that you are bi, and be a bit more open minded. Clearly there was something in "her" male form that attracted you.

x2

Totally agree.

You are certainly welcome to believe that. I would have said the same thing prior to this experience. All the trans women or cross dressing men I have seen in person have definitely looked like men. They also didn't have a butt or sizable breasts (not that that is a prerequisite for being a woman). her breasts were in the C range and they were firm and perky (TMI). Her family comes from money so I'm pretty sure she had work done at this point. Her shoulders are broad for a petite woman, but she used to be a competitive swimmer (according to her). Without you physically meeting her, there is no way I could intelligently explain it. All I know is that, while there is Nothing wrong with being bi or gay, the memory of kissing her (him) and any potential thoughts of physical intimacy makes me physically nauseous. Since some of you are into labels, if that makes me a homophobe then so be it.

Yeah- they were firm and perky BECAUSE THEY WERE BREAST IMPLANTS.

This is the problem with what has happened in America. men don't even recognize real women anymore, because they have been taught from porn and stuff that a breast is supposed to sit straight up on a woman's chest in a ridiculous round orb.

Real breasts are shaped like tear drops- they sag, because they're not made of silicon.

This is the problem we have in America. Men cannot tell the difference between women and men with plastic implanted in their chests. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, its OK to not be able to overlook this woman's biological sex.

However you are an asshole of epic proportions for wanting to slug, sue, and shame her on social media.

Eh, not really. I think that's a rather normal initial reaction. It's not okay to hide such critical info from someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it hard to believe she really "looked feminine"

I have yet to meet a transgender person who could truly pass themselves off completely. Plenty of giveaways, like an adam's apple, height, the huge difference in muscular structure and body shape between men and women...


If you really were attracted to "her" you might want to consider the possibility that you are bi, and be a bit more open minded. Clearly there was something in "her" male form that attracted you.

x2

Totally agree.

You are certainly welcome to believe that. I would have said the same thing prior to this experience. All the trans women or cross dressing men I have seen in person have definitely looked like men. They also didn't have a butt or sizable breasts (not that that is a prerequisite for being a woman). her breasts were in the C range and they were firm and perky (TMI). Her family comes from money so I'm pretty sure she had work done at this point. Her shoulders are broad for a petite woman, but she used to be a competitive swimmer (according to her). Without you physically meeting her, there is no way I could intelligently explain it. All I know is that, while there is Nothing wrong with being bi or gay, the memory of kissing her (him) and any potential thoughts of physical intimacy makes me physically nauseous. Since some of you are into labels, if that makes me a homophobe then so be it.

Yeah- they were firm and perky BECAUSE THEY WERE BREAST IMPLANTS.

This is the problem with what has happened in America. men don't even recognize real women anymore, because they have been taught from porn and stuff that a breast is supposed to sit straight up on a woman's chest in a ridiculous round orb.

Real breasts are shaped like tear drops- they sag, because they're not made of silicon.

This is the problem we have in America. Men cannot tell the difference between women and men with plastic implanted in their chests. SMH.

Makes you wonder how many of these men are genuinely straight, if you can swap out a dude for a lady and they are just as (if not more so) attracted...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, its OK to not be able to overlook this woman's biological sex.

However you are an asshole of epic proportions for wanting to slug, sue, and shame her on social media.

Eh, not really. I think that's a rather normal initial reaction. It's not okay to hide such critical info from someone.

Well based on PP list, since I didn't shame her on social media, nor do I ever plan to, I'm really 2/3 a-hole. I'll take it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, its OK to not be able to overlook this woman's biological sex.

However you are an asshole of epic proportions for wanting to slug, sue, and shame her on social media.

Eh, not really. I think that's a rather normal initial reaction. It's not okay to hide such critical info from someone.

Well based on PP list, since I didn't shame her on social media, nor do I ever plan to, I'm really 2/3 a-hole. I'll take it.

You also might be 1/3 gay and are pissed about that fact. So there's that...

[Anonymous]

Balding guy from the other thread. Ok fine, you have it worse.

[Anonymous]

She should have told you upfront, you have a right to be angry. You also might consider that this is not a reflection of your masculinity or sexual preferences. It's going to be okay.

[Anonymous]

Have you discussed your childhood abuse with your therapist?

[Anonymous]

What is the type of person who would most frequently be comfortable dating a transgender woman? Would it be a man who is bi? Or could it be a transgender male?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Balding guy from the other thread. Ok fine, you have it worse.

OMG. I just got my cranky toddler to sleep and snorted so loud at this she woke up again... and I'm not even mad.

[Anonymous]

I have sort of been there....back in the 80's, when no one had heard transgendered, I met a "woman" through an internet forum (Usenet fyi). We decided to go out. Had an ok date, and "she" blew me. I went to feel her up, and felt something else down there. I recoiled in horror. Date ended immediately. "She" assumed I knew she was a he...but I did't.

"Her" goal was to experience life as a woman. Me, being not particularly enlightened, pointed out that she has a penis. It did not end well.

[Anonymous]

Lawyer here. This case might be actionable as a suit for breach of the implied covenant of having a vagina.