Reply to I've been unknowingly dating a transgender man

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I'm a physician; I treated a young man last year in the emergency dept. He had gone out the night before, drinking with friends, and woke up across town in an apt he didn't recognize. He had no memory of going there. Didn't know the neighborhood. His wallet was with him, money still there. His pants were unbuttoned, not pulled down but around his hips.

His exam didn't indicate assault, but that doesn't mean much. He was deeply upset by the encounter. Bewildered, frightened, and tearful. He was a big guy; football player, very typical masculine appearing college kid.

Your feelings of anger and helplessness re: what happened to you are valid. This is an uncommon position in which a man finds himself, and as some previous comments indicate, you're not really given much space to feel what my patient felt. You may feel unsettled for a long period of time, esp as a survivor of sexual abuse as a child. If you feel comfortable, you might want to reach out to a therapist for a few sessions. Not saying you won't move on from this. I think you'll be fine. But just a reminder that it's OK to have residual feelings about the event, which doesn't make you gay, a rageaholic, or unhinged.

The woman you dated has her own issues to deal with; as you probably understand, the world isn't kind to the transgender community. She may be struggling through the clumsy world of dating and behave in regrettable ways at times, as some of us have also done. Something that can be effective is writing a letter. I know that may seem passive, but it can be very powerful to say exactly what you need to say, and have someone read your words uninterrupted. You can offer how she might reveal the information better in the future, how it made you feel. Reiterate your right to make informed decisions about physical intimacy (understanding that it's also tricky for her to be vulnerable about her sexuality with someone she hasn't gotten to know).

Good luck.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I see a therapist monthly (I used to do it due to depression, but now I do it just to as more of a mental maintenance check), so your comments to discuss this with him will definitely be heeded.[/quote]

Sounds like you're on the right track. Good for you.[/quote]

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