Raising older teens is challenging

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heroin mom here.

DD is very active in NA. Last Saturday night, a 17 year old showed up at the meeting wearing khakis, Sperries, and a Ralph Lauren polo shirt. She a a couple of others took him our to Starbucks afterwards and as they were talking, it was clear he was in withdrawal (cocaine, apparently).

They took him to a psych hospital that does detox and had him call his parents who arrived in shock. They thought he was at his senior prom. He is an athlete and has been accepted at a top 20 university. They had no idea he was using.

Two days ago they sent him to an inpatient rehab. He won't be able to attend graduation, but luckily he had finished his classes.

I can't imagine what they are going through. These parents had a son with all the achievements a parent could want and suddenly this.

Wow. Good for those kids for helping him out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16 year-terrible grades, terrible (nonexistent?) study skills, blames everyone but himself for anything that goes wrong. Very oppositional!! Many tears (privately of course) have been shed over this boy. However, there has been some improvement in his attitude over the last few months.

I have this same issue with my mere 10 year old. He is the most challenging person I've ever dealt with and each day is packed with oppositional behavior. He's been like this since he was a toddler and as he's gotten older his "rage" and attitude get worse.

I worry about how he will turn out and what I'm going to do when he's a teenager. This is how I'm told the teenage years are, but if it's already like that now I don't know what it's going to be like when he is even more independent.

My younger son isn't like this at all nor are any of the other little boys I know.

Parents of teens, did your younger kids act this way too or did it only manifest in the preteen/teen years?

My son was and is like yours. I worried at 2, at 5, at 10,etc. We are now at 13 and it's pretty bad. Just started therapy, likely to see psychiatrist soon too. It's really hard and I know how you feel. My son is the most challenging person I have ever dealt with and can bring out the worst in me. I hate it as I love him and want to reach him, but it's very very hard.

[Anonymous]

Even students that seem to have it all together- doing well in school, has friends, participates in activities, holds an after school job get themselves into a lot of bad situations because of alcohol. I know "good kids" that got DUI's and could have killed someone or teenagers that got themselves into bad situations with sexual activity. The teenage brain is so impulsive and when you add alcohol to the mix, horrible choices are often made. I wish their was a way to get teenagers to not drink alcohol or do drugs. Also binge drinking at college is out of control. Students often wake up the next day and feel bad about choices they made when drunk. Alcohol is not glamorous it is destructive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a support group for this kind of stuff? Just so stressful here. Ugh!!!![/quote

Anyone? We need one too!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heroin Mom, thanks for sharing and offering hope. Do you mind also sharing what chronic illnesses your DC had/has?

Neither is very usual so I will be general.

One is a muscular-skeletal disorder that is known to be particular painful in its initial stage, but it took a long time to be diagnosed. Doctors blew off DC's complaints of pain, suggesting it was all in the head. This actually triggered the opiate use as DC, having a weird teenage brain, decided to DIY treatment from the street since doctors weren't giving any.

My take away from this is that any complaints of pain from teenagers need to be taken VERY seriously because it puts them at high risk of drug use. This is typically not on the list of teen risk factors, but it should be.

Doctors should not blow off teen pain complaints, but rather immediately throw all nonmedical options at it to show the teen they take them seriously, even if the doctor thinks it is all psychosomatic. PT, TENS, directions for use of NSAIDs, pain programs (big lack for teens though), whatever--these were all things actually denied to my teen. I did win big trust points from DC because I was willing to keep pursuing a diagnosis even after the heroin use emerged, and eventually we got one.

The other is a GI disorder that can be quite incapacitating. Treatment is tricky, but we have now found a combination of things that keep it pretty controlled. Again, many more doctors.

[Anonymous]

Heroin mom, I'm the one that asked about your son's illness. Thank you so much for your insight and advice!!! Our teen son was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness and is having unpredictable pain among other things which we are trying to deal with. Luckily his doctor is experienced with this aspect of the illness but I do worry. So far we are doing all we can without big pain killers just like you advise. He is not a complainer so it is hard sometimes to get him to give us a pain number.

I'm glad your son is doing well right now - it is obvious you have kept your wits and advocated for your DS. I'm also glad he found some good ways to treat his conditions and regain some quality of life while staying clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heroin mom, I'm the one that asked about your son's illness. Thank you so much for your insight and advice!!! Our teen son was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness and is having unpredictable pain among other things which we are trying to deal with. Luckily his doctor is experienced with this aspect of the illness but I do worry. So far we are doing all we can without big pain killers just like you advise. He is not a complainer so it is hard sometimes to get him to give us a pain number.

I'm glad your son is doing well right now - it is obvious you have kept your wits and advocated for your DS. I'm also glad he found some good ways to treat his conditions and regain some quality of life while staying clean.

Sorry to hear about your son. Having such illnesses are hard even for adults, so you can imagine what it must be like for a teen! You are in a better position than we were because you have a diagnosis. However, as we found out and as you know, that is only the first part of the struggle. Sounds like your doctor is very clued in.

I will give you a view that may be controversial, and actually a bit hard for me as I am generally quite anti-opiate. However, there are times when people with chronic pain get into a cycle that builds upon itself, and they need something to break that cycle. Very selective, targeted use of a painkiller in this situation can actually help prevent people from resorting to opiates off the street (and believe me, all teens know how to do this or at least know someone who does) to break the pain cycle.

Sometimes tramadol is prescribed for this--it is a synthetic opiate but also has addictive properties. For some people Tramadol does nothing, and something stronger like Percoset is needed. You can probably get a prescription for Tramadol from your doctor or a prescription for ONE Percoset for break glass in an emergency situation. In either case, you should have total control at all times of the medication.

Also, I have heard very good things about Children's pain management program if it is at all possible for you to get in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heroin Mom, thanks for sharing and offering hope. Do you mind also sharing what chronic illnesses your DC had/has?

Neither is very usual so I will be general.

One is a muscular-skeletal disorder that is known to be particular painful in its initial stage, but it took a long time to be diagnosed. Doctors blew off DC's complaints of pain, suggesting it was all in the head. This actually triggered the opiate use as DC, having a weird teenage brain, decided to DIY treatment from the street since doctors weren't giving any.

My take away from this is that any complaints of pain from teenagers need to be taken VERY seriously because it puts them at high risk of drug use. This is typically not on the list of teen risk factors, but it should be.

Doctors should not blow off teen pain complaints, but rather immediately throw all nonmedical options at it to show the teen they take them seriously, even if the doctor thinks it is all psychosomatic. PT, TENS, directions for use of NSAIDs, pain programs (big lack for teens though), whatever--these were all things actually denied to my teen. I did win big trust points from DC because I was willing to keep pursuing a diagnosis even after the heroin use emerged, and eventually we got one.

The other is a GI disorder that can be quite incapacitating. Treatment is tricky, but we have now found a combination of things that keep it pretty controlled. Again, many more doctors.

Really tough. Thank you for highlighting and educating me about pain and teens. I hadn't thought about it from the perspective you outline. Very helpful, thank you.

[Anonymous]

My DS is developing an eating disorder. I am completely freaked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS is developing an eating disorder. I am completely freaked out.

I'm so sorry. The hardest thing about this parenting of older kids stuff is how helpless you feel.
I did a good job hiding how things were when he was younger, but now I share bits with some of our friends and neighbors, as well as family. I sort of feel I'm preparing them for when the worst happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kicked out of friend group. Has friends, but no close ones to share those special senior year events with. Puts on a good front, but can tell it hurts.

This one breaks my heart. What happened? Do you know? Probably not. ;-(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I'm going to say that I really sympathize with everyone who's struggling with the challenges of parenting a teen or young adult. We have been lucky -- our kids, ages 18-24, have been relatively easy -- minor, but chronic snarkiness in the early to mid-teens, and some drinking by each of them in high school, but overall, we're lucky. It's definitely not because we were perfect parents -- we made plenty of mistakes, but we just got lucky.

So, in this spirit, recognizing that we all try our best and even then we don't always get it right, I'm going to make a suggestion about dealing with abusive language from your kids. This, I'm familiar with. All 3 of ours -- honors students, varsity athletes, church-goers (yes -- even at college) -- have at one time or another said "FU, Dad" or "you're a bitch, mom". Here's what we finally figured out: walk away. We just would say "I know you're upset and I want to discuss this issue with you, but I can't talk to you when you're abusive in your language. When you're ready to talk, I'll be downstairs/in the backyard/on the porch (the point is to get away from them until they cool down)."

In our experience, this worked amazingly well. When they calmed down and were ready to resume the conversation, we would not lecture them about the language, but would just say "Sometimes we all feel like telling somebody to fuck off -- I have felt like telling your dad that, I have felt like telling your aunts that, I have felt like telling your grandparents that and, yes, I've even felt like telling you that, but, we all have to learn that it's hurtful and unproductive and we just have to stop ourselves. So, now, let's talk about beach week."

Of course, this all hinges on our ability to restrain ourselves from screaming back at them in the first place, "You're telling me to fuck off! You have no idea what an asshole you are!!!" You want to say that, but you can't. And don't even start with the schmaltzy memories of their babyhood -- that's just going to make you feel lousy. They're not babies anymore, and your job now is to help them learn how to handle conflict without descending into verbal abuse. This is good training for marriage, parenting, work, or living in any type of community. You're not asking too much.

Perfect advice from mom of a 13, 11 and 7 yr old. I will heed this - thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are well-respected in our community and from the outside people think we have a perfect life. We have an ASD son who smokes pot and speaks poorly to us. We have a 15 year old who was caught shoplifting and we will have to go to court. I have no one I can talk to. I feel so alone. Paying for a therapist for the 15 year old and I wish I had the time and money to pay for one for me but even now her needs take precedence. I avoid friendships and haven't even told my own parents what is going on.

Are you in a church? Not for religious reasons, but just for support. Stephen Ministers can help you and be there for you. Lots of love to you. Call around to some big churches and see if they have this program. It is all confidential.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, I'm going to say that I really sympathize with everyone who's struggling with the challenges of parenting a teen or young adult. We have been lucky -- our kids, ages 18-24, have been relatively easy -- minor, but chronic snarkiness in the early to mid-teens, and some drinking by each of them in high school, but overall, we're lucky. It's definitely not because we were perfect parents -- we made plenty of mistakes, but we just got lucky.

So, in this spirit, recognizing that we all try our best and even then we don't always get it right, I'm going to make a suggestion about dealing with abusive language from your kids. This, I'm familiar with. All 3 of ours -- honors students, varsity athletes, church-goers (yes -- even at college) -- have at one time or another said "FU, Dad" or "you're a bitch, mom". Here's what we finally figured out: walk away. We just would say "I know you're upset and I want to discuss this issue with you, but I can't talk to you when you're abusive in your language. When you're ready to talk, I'll be downstairs/in the backyard/on the porch (the point is to get away from them until they cool down)."

In our experience, this worked amazingly well. When they calmed down and were ready to resume the conversation, we would not lecture them about the language, but would just say "Sometimes we all feel like telling somebody to fuck off -- I have felt like telling your dad that, I have felt like telling your aunts that, I have felt like telling your grandparents that and, yes, I've even felt like telling you that, but, we all have to learn that it's hurtful and unproductive and we just have to stop ourselves. So, now, let's talk about beach week."

Of course, this all hinges on our ability to restrain ourselves from screaming back at them in the first place, "You're telling me to fuck off! You have no idea what an asshole you are!!!" You want to say that, but you can't. And don't even start with the schmaltzy memories of their babyhood -- that's just going to make you feel lousy. They're not babies anymore, and your job now is to help them learn how to handle conflict without descending into verbal abuse. This is good training for marriage, parenting, work, or living in any type of community. You're not asking too much.

Perfect advice from mom of a 13, 11 and 7 yr old. I will heed this - thanks

in the same spirit, i have found that if children send a frantic text, how everything is going wrong, or people or mean or whatever, just ignore it. don't respond. When kids were younger I would respond and everytime it makes it worse. My instinct was to respond but it makes it worse in texting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don't know if I would tell my husband if I found evidence that our daughter was having sex. This site gives me so much to think about.

I'm with you. Hmmm. Mine's only 10 so I have time to consider.