Is it normal for sibling not to tell you they are having a baby?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You can’t be serious. You are no contact because someone didn’t inform you about a pregnancy?

Because a sibling didn’t inform me about the pregnancy or when the baby was born and texted me and interacted with me like nothing was happening the entire time. Clearly doesn’t value our relationship or trust it, so there is no reason to have a relationship going forward.

How could they inform you if you cut them off?

I'm not the poster above but you paint yourself into odd corners. You are. I don't think anyone is owed info because they are family. I agree that many families are toxic but if someone I was close to and stayed in contact with regularly I would feel like they didn't trust me. I wouldn't cut them off but I would take some space from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

Lol. Fertility rates are declining globally.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

+1000. They weren't doing it to hurt you. They were doing it for their own reasons and you feel hurt that those reasons didn't prioritize you

I have been mad about medical secrets when those secrets affected me and my plans. But unless there were plans made (like a joint vacation or something) it's hard to see how keeping a pregnancy secret hurts anyone.

You keep talking about this as a "medical choice" or "medical care." It is not. It is a new member of the "presumably close" family. A new member of the family doesn't only affect or belong to the parents.

I'm one who has been arguing that this would be hurtful if it happened to me with a sibling I was close to but I don't agree with one iota of your post. No child belongs to a group of people. Just to be clear, everyone other than the father and mother are considered to be legal strangers to the child from a legal perspective. Pregnancy and birth are medical conditions/procedures.

[Anonymous]

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OP here. I’m starting to wonder if they used a surrogate. Would that make this any less weird?

Maybe they do not want the child to know a surrogate was used. I haven't read the whole thread. If people know, it will be talked about. The child will hear. Maybe the mother would tell the child but wants to on her timeline. This desire for privacy, to keep silence re: details often happens with IVF and couples having fraternal twins.

Yeah because keeping secrets from your kids always ends well.

But apparently according to the other PP’s it’s fine to keep your pregnancy a secret from family members until after you give birth.

DP Keeping your pregnancy private from a sibling and keeping surrogacy a secret from a child are two entirely different things involving different circumstances.

That this is not understood is a good indication of why certain people are not getting the pregnancy information they think they are entitled to.

I'm actually not sure how one has to do with the other- unless OP's sibling is also keeping the surrogacy from everyone to protect the baby from hearing about it in a few years? OP are they saying they had the baby, not the surrogate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You can’t be serious. You are no contact because someone didn’t inform you about a pregnancy?

Because a sibling didn’t inform me about the pregnancy or when the baby was born and texted me and interacted with me like nothing was happening the entire time. Clearly doesn’t value our relationship or trust it, so there is no reason to have a relationship going forward.

How could they inform you if you cut them off?

I'm not the poster above but you paint yourself into odd corners. You are. I don't think anyone is owed info because they are family. I agree that many families are toxic but if someone I was close to and stayed in contact with regularly I would feel like they didn't trust me. I wouldn't cut them off but I would take some space from them.

Not agreeing with "How could they inform you if you cut them off?" But, my first instinct with a sibling where the relationship is good would be to give them full benefit of the doubt. I would not assume negativity. I would assume the best of them and not take anything personally.

Would this not be the case for you?

Yes this past would be context for future interactions. But I'm not automatically assuming anything that would be the basis for me being upset or hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me -baby was born and I still wasn’t told anything. They had been texting me like normal while they were pregnant. I am no contact with them now because you can’t have a close relationship with someone who keeps major events like this private. I don’t need to know details but would have been nice to have been informed via hearing about it from someone else.

You can’t be serious. You are no contact because someone didn’t inform you about a pregnancy?

Because a sibling didn’t inform me about the pregnancy or when the baby was born and texted me and interacted with me like nothing was happening the entire time. Clearly doesn’t value our relationship or trust it, so there is no reason to have a relationship going forward.

How could they inform you if you cut them off?

I'm not the poster above but you paint yourself into odd corners. You are. I don't think anyone is owed info because they are family. I agree that many families are toxic but if someone I was close to and stayed in contact with regularly I would feel like they didn't trust me. I wouldn't cut them off but I would take some space from them.

Not agreeing with "How could they inform you if you cut them off?" But, my first instinct with a sibling where the relationship is good would be to give them full benefit of the doubt. I would not assume negativity. I would assume the best of them and not take anything personally.

Would this not be the case for you?

Yes this past would be context for future interactions. But I'm not automatically assuming anything that would be the basis for me being upset or hurt.

DP - I suspect a lot of these people lobbying for a dramatic cutoff don’t, in fact, have a very good relationship with the sibling. In my experience people that do “cutoffs” hold resentment or some unresolved conflict…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

A baby isn't just a medical issue. A baby involves a pregnancy (absent adoption ...). A pregnancy involves medical issues. Medical issues involve deference the person with the medical issue.

It is anti-human

When your fellow brothers and sisters offer reasonable disagreement, is it also part of your healthy village to dismiss them as anti-human?

Pretty sure America is an anti-human nation. An international pariah and laughingstock whose citizens are increasingly shunned and unwelcomed abroad. You’d have to be insane to take any advice from an American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

A baby isn't just a medical issue. A baby involves a pregnancy (absent adoption ...). A pregnancy involves medical issues. Medical issues involve deference the person with the medical issue.

It is anti-human

When your fellow brothers and sisters offer reasonable disagreement, is it also part of your healthy village to dismiss them as anti-human?

Pretty sure America is an anti-human nation. An international pariah and laughingstock whose citizens are increasingly shunned and unwelcomed abroad. You’d have to be insane to take any advice from an American.

Oh right. The same millions of people who are in the US now to watch football.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

Describe why you would be insulted. Explain how this is insulting to you personally.

DP but haven't you seen all the posts here indicating that if the sister didn't tell the OP, it's probably because OP is unsupportive or has done something wrong?

That still doesn’t make it insulting.

It would be to many people.

Many people might choose to be insulted sure but that doesn’t make it insulting.

Others might choose to realize its about the new family’s preferences not theirs.

Others might choose to reflect on their historical conduct.

All choices.

I guess you could say that about anything. You could not invite your sibling to your wedding - after all, it's the couple who chooses whom to invite and no one is entitled to an invitation. The vast majority would feel insulted though.

Sure let’s take your example. A couple who elopes, marries at city hall, doesn’t invite their siblings. Are those siblings all insulted? Not in my experience.

A couple who has suffered repeated loss or a late loss or stillbirth tells family when the baby is safe in moms arms. Is that family insulted? Not in my experience.

Now sure in both cases people can choose to make it about them and be insulted. But rational, empathetic and loving people don’t make that choice.

Yup I know many people who only announce the baby once it is born! Surprosed more of you aren't aware of this.....

Despite previous loss, this is odd. It means that acquaintances, friends, co-workers and neighbors all know that the person is expecting, because they have eyeballs. But the person's familymembers are the only ones not to know. There is so much emotional immaturity now. If there is one person who they feel will not be sensitive, they should withhold information from THAT PERSON, but if someone feels that their entire family cannot support them emotionally, they need to look in the mirror for a deeper issue. They probably also need to be in therapy for anxiety.

You often can't withhold info from just one family member, or if you try it puts the other family members in an awkward spot of having to lie or admit they knew all along. You either tell the whole group or you don't. OP's sibling may well have been trying to avoid telling some other person, and not telling OP was a consequence. OP could probably find that out by asking, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened when you asked, “Hey so how come you didn’t tell us that you were pregnant?”

Don’t ask her that! her reasons are not your business. She obviously didn’t feel safe and supported and now she is doing better.

This isn’t some co-worker or neighbor. It’s a sibling!!! There is nothing wrong with simply asking the question. And where do you get off assuming the sister “didn’t feel safe or supported?” That is mighty presumptuous on your part, PP.

DP Why is it your business? It isn’t. It isn’t your business. If you need to know, you will be informed.

One more time: it’s family. Family supports one another. If I found out one of my siblings, with whom I’m not estranged, did this, I would genuinely want to know what is going on and what led to not disclosing a pregnancy. It is NOT normal behavior.

No, it’s none of my business if it’s a co-worker or neighbor. But it is my business if it’s family.

+1

It’s family so it hurts more if you are not told until after the baby is born. It means they don’t feel close enough to you to share it.

This is a choice.

You can examine why you feel “hurt” by how another adult chooses to manage their medical information, you can work on the relationship to build the closeness that you feel was missing, or you can center yourself in someone else’s story which may have nothing to do with you.

+1000. They weren't doing it to hurt you. They were doing it for their own reasons and you feel hurt that those reasons didn't prioritize you

I have been mad about medical secrets when those secrets affected me and my plans. But unless there were plans made (like a joint vacation or something) it's hard to see how keeping a pregnancy secret hurts anyone.

You keep talking about this as a "medical choice" or "medical care." It is not. It is a new member of the "presumably close" family. A new member of the family doesn't only affect or belong to the parents.

The new family member has been announced! No secrets there.

The pregnancy that led to the new baby (surrogacy or otherwise) was a medical condition, and keeping it secret did nothing to prevent anybody from welcoming the new family member after arrival.

Look, I wouldn't and didn't keep my pregnancy secret. But many, many women hate how their pregnant bodies are presumed to "belong" to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

For many people who have had loss, late loss, and losses, this very much is sharing medical information. It’s remarkable you don’t realize this.

Almost every woman who has multiple children has had "pregnancy loss."

Not to mention that nowdays people often know they’re pregnant about 30 seconds into their pregnancy so miscarriages are more common—back in the day those very early miscarriages people often thought they were just late/heavy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

For many people who have had loss, late loss, and losses, this very much is sharing medical information. It’s remarkable you don’t realize this.

Almost every woman who has multiple children has had "pregnancy loss."

Not to mention that nowdays people often know they’re pregnant about 30 seconds into their pregnancy so miscarriages are more common—back in the day those very early miscarriages people often thought they were just late/heavy.

And so…?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s normal behavior -
“Hey sis who I text weekly, I’m expecting a baby in four months. We kept it quiet in the first trimester and I’m still kind of spooked so I’m not really up for discussing medical stuff and mom war stories, and we’re not talking about it on social media. Hope you understand”. Sibling: “Congratulations! Can’t wait to meet the baby. I’m here if you need anything”. Sibling keeps mouth shut.

That’s not revealing “medical information”. It’s normal family interaction. If the relationship was bad, wouldn’t have been regular texts. It is insulting to the sibling not to tell about the baby until after the birth, although pregnant person does not owe anyone the blast on
“I’m in labor now!” That can wait until the baby arrives.

I continue to be astonished at how many people were seemingly raised by wolves and have their heads up their behinds about how they are the only people in the universe and everyone else is just a supporting character in their personal drama.

Coworker not saying anything is a little weird, but it’s fine.

For many people who have had loss, late loss, and losses, this very much is sharing medical information. It’s remarkable you don’t realize this.

Almost every woman who has multiple children has had "pregnancy loss."

Not to mention that nowdays people often know they’re pregnant about 30 seconds into their pregnancy so miscarriages are more common—back in the day those very early miscarriages people often thought they were just late/heavy.

This is so weird. There are so many "common" things that people wish to be private about. Cancer is another one.

[Anonymous]

not the same thing, but I had a lot of people angry with me when I didn't tell them about my child's adoption until after the baby was born and rights were relinquished.

I was like "well do you expect others to share when they are having unprotected sex???"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so sad. Where I live now, a baby belongs to the village. We love our inter-generational community. I had one baby in the US and one here and it is night and day. This coldness, lack of family and community connection, hyper individualism, and considering a baby a medical issue is one of the reasons half of Americans have considered leaving. It is anti-human and something you’d only see in a WEIRD country. I feel sorry for that OP who wanted has realized they aren’t close to the sibling and the sibling who needs to be cut off from support. I have no idea about the history or extenuating circumstances it is all around sad.

A baby isn't just a medical issue. A baby involves a pregnancy (absent adoption ...). A pregnancy involves medical issues. Medical issues involve deference the person with the medical issue.

It is anti-human

When your fellow brothers and sisters offer reasonable disagreement, is it also part of your healthy village to dismiss them as anti-human?

Pretty sure America is an anti-human nation. An international pariah and laughingstock whose citizens are increasingly shunned and unwelcomed abroad. You’d have to be insane to take any advice from an American.

Are any of your family members or friends American?

You volunteered to participate on a forum - American DMV moms - where by default you assume the membership are insane and anti-human?

Why are you here?