Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

[Anonymous]

So you’d rather her live with you, and by extension utilize your financial resources, than need some help and live on her own. You create some really strange parameters and hurdles for a parent who claims to want their child to be independent. And if that poor girl were to move back in with you she’d be exposed to your vitriol daily which from some sadistic reason appears to be the set up you’d prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Back with an update, and choosing to ignore the hateful insults hurled at me:

DD called me today to inform me that she received a job offer from the AmeriCorps VISTA program in the city where she lives in (a medium cost of living city in a very cold area). The job is slated to start in two weeks, and pays a pitiful sum of $30k/year for a full-time, 40-hour/week office job.

She then proceeded to beg me for $10k over the phone to help her buy a used car. I refused, and I explained to her YET AGAIN that our family policy is that once young adults graduate college, they must pay for all of their living expenses on their own or live with their parents. I reminded her that she had the option of walking (~40 min) to her workplace from her house or taking the free public transportation in her city. Of course, at that point, I got a bunch of whining over the phone about how cold it is outside and how no one wants to walk in the cold and snow to work or wait for a bus stop.

It's just infuriating that she keeps begging money for things like a used car, which she should really be able to afford on her own. But of course, all of her terrible decisions -- from overeating junk food leading her to being overweight, to majoring in English, to dropping out of HYPS to attend an Oberlin/Wesleyan-esque school -- have put her in this situation where she won't accept the financial consequences of her actions.

It's just frustrating to see her be so delusional and entitled, and to see her act on this selfish belief that she deserves things that she never earned on her own. Of course, she complains relentlessly about how DH and I (lawyer and doctor, respectively) refuse to help her pay for a car... But that's MY money, not hers.

Psycho or troll, I just can’t decide

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you sound just like my son's awful ex-gf--super controlling, critical, and negative. Please stop criticizing her weight and body shaming her. It's shameful that you make as much as you do and you won't help her with a used car!? I make far less than you and put both of my kids through med school and happily helped them as much I could financially and emotionally until they were fully self-supporting. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my kids and no, they were never spoiled or entitled. Why aren't you looking for your daughter's best traits and trying to build her up? It's upsetting how negative you are toward her

[Anonymous]

assuming you're not a troll for a second-- you sound like you are a very rigid thinker- which I'm guessing your daughter likely is too given she has ADHD (and ADHD is hereditary so wouldn't be surprised if you also have it).

Rigidity is extremely contagious-- if her entire childhood she was told there's one right way to be (christian, church going, in tech, thin, etc). and everything else is bad, then of course she's going to feel like crap if she doesn't fit your mold, and likely will get more rigid in response in her own choices. sounds like your son fits your mold perfectly, and therefore you get along and therefore you apparently give him stuff as he thinks you are generous.

guessing most of us do not meet your narrow idea of the one way to be successful- we're not all in tech, thin, don't all go to church, etc. i of course know many English majors with successful careers- one obese, one who studies weight stigma for a living

The economy is crap in 2026. i can think of multiple friends who are highly educated with decades of experience (e.g. phd, JD from ivy league schools, etc) thanks to doge and related layoffs who have been out of work for nearly a year. and i can also think of a family member who graduated from an ivy with a CS degree in 2020 unemployed. Fortunately they all have supportive families who are there to help them, not shame them- if that's help them financially a bit to get some basic toiletries (hard to get a job if you smell bad, or can't get to the the interview without a car).

you are very lucky to be so high earning-- guessing most of us don't make 600k a year- i'd use that to help support your daughter. i'm frankly 40 something with a successful career, marriage, beautiful house, and two kids and my parents still pay for my cell phone plan and other things. They certainly helped furnish my first apt when making well under 30k while working at the nih post undergrad. you seem to be very fixated that you dislike her life choices and therefore cutting her off from support.

[Anonymous]

and all your descriptions of her don't describe her- they describe your feelings towards her (annoying, unlikeable, pathetic)-- if there's something "wrong" with her you want to help problem solve it'd be helpful to know what it is (e.g. she interrupts too much, she is rigid, she struggles to ask others questions) so they can be things she can help learn if they are truly getting in the way of career or interpersonal success

there's a lot of overlap between adhd and asd-- hence why people often use the term AUDHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:assuming you're not a troll for a second-- you sound like you are a very rigid thinker- which I'm guessing your daughter likely is too given she has ADHD (and ADHD is hereditary so wouldn't be surprised if you also have it).

Rigidity is extremely contagious-- if her entire childhood she was told there's one right way to be (christian, church going, in tech, thin, etc). and everything else is bad, then of course she's going to feel like crap if she doesn't fit your mold, and likely will get more rigid in response in her own choices. sounds like your son fits your mold perfectly, and therefore you get along and therefore you apparently give him stuff as he thinks you are generous.

guessing most of us do not meet your narrow idea of the one way to be successful- we're not all in tech, thin, don't all go to church, etc. i of course know many English majors with successful careers- one obese, one who studies weight stigma for a living

The economy is crap in 2026. i can think of multiple friends who are highly educated with decades of experience (e.g. phd, JD from ivy league schools, etc) thanks to doge and related layoffs who have been out of work for nearly a year. and i can also think of a family member who graduated from an ivy with a CS degree in 2020 unemployed. Fortunately they all have supportive families who are there to help them, not shame them- if that's help them financially a bit to get some basic toiletries (hard to get a job if you smell bad, or can't get to the the interview without a car).

you are very lucky to be so high earning-- guessing most of us don't make 600k a year- i'd use that to help support your daughter. i'm frankly 40 something with a successful career, marriage, beautiful house, and two kids and my parents still pay for my cell phone plan and other things. They certainly helped furnish my first apt when making well under 30k while working at the nih post undergrad. you seem to be very fixated that you dislike her life choices and therefore cutting her off from support.

No one else in our family has ADHD. And DD does not have autism (confirmed by 2 neuropsych evals, as mentioned earlier in the thread).

I think it's absolutely pathetic that you're still relying on your parents for your cell phone plan, or for money at all for that matter. I definitely don't think a 22 year-old fresh out of college who makes minimum wage working at the NIH (a similar situation to what DD is in) should rely on their parents for money at all.

Yes, DH and I strongly dislike her life choices. But that's not the reason we cut her off financially -- regardless of where she went to school or what she majored in, we would've never supported her financially after she graduated. Remember, DS has an excellent relationship with us, and we never paid for a penny of his living expenses after he graduated college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her weight and major are not impacting her inability to find a job. I am an obese English major who has never had a problem finding a job in corporate America. Sounds like that isn’t the type of job she wants. Have you tried talking to her about what she actually wants to do? You need to get yourself in order if you want any kind of future relationship with her.

Are you a man? I can't imagine a young woman being successful in a similar position.

People with beautiful faces easily find jobs, even if overweight. Most people, regardless of body type, aren't beautiful; approximately 10% of the population can be classified as beautiful people. For everyone else, the homely ones, both overweight and thin, it comes down to people skills, confidence, personality, charisma, likeability, connections, and skills, period.

I take it, OP, daughter isn't beautiful... my best guess is mom is a try-hard, may even be well put together, but she is no beauty. Sadly, her daughter didn't fill that hole for her, so she resents her.

So, Mom, your daughter may be onto something. Maybe you did handicap her; after all, beauty comes down to genes, so if she'd had better-looking parents, then yes, even in this painful market, and even with a liberal arts degree, she'd be gainfully employed by now. 100% your fault.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a useless parent. Daughter might be failing to launch but that’s because OP failed to parent.

[Anonymous]

OP is a vindictive abuser and enabler of an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:assuming you're not a troll for a second-- you sound like you are a very rigid thinker- which I'm guessing your daughter likely is too given she has ADHD (and ADHD is hereditary so wouldn't be surprised if you also have it).

Rigidity is extremely contagious-- if her entire childhood she was told there's one right way to be (christian, church going, in tech, thin, etc). and everything else is bad, then of course she's going to feel like crap if she doesn't fit your mold, and likely will get more rigid in response in her own choices. sounds like your son fits your mold perfectly, and therefore you get along and therefore you apparently give him stuff as he thinks you are generous.

guessing most of us do not meet your narrow idea of the one way to be successful- we're not all in tech, thin, don't all go to church, etc. i of course know many English majors with successful careers- one obese, one who studies weight stigma for a living

The economy is crap in 2026. i can think of multiple friends who are highly educated with decades of experience (e.g. phd, JD from ivy league schools, etc) thanks to doge and related layoffs who have been out of work for nearly a year. and i can also think of a family member who graduated from an ivy with a CS degree in 2020 unemployed. Fortunately they all have supportive families who are there to help them, not shame them- if that's help them financially a bit to get some basic toiletries (hard to get a job if you smell bad, or can't get to the the interview without a car).

you are very lucky to be so high earning-- guessing most of us don't make 600k a year- i'd use that to help support your daughter. i'm frankly 40 something with a successful career, marriage, beautiful house, and two kids and my parents still pay for my cell phone plan and other things. They certainly helped furnish my first apt when making well under 30k while working at the nih post undergrad. you seem to be very fixated that you dislike her life choices and therefore cutting her off from support.

No one else in our family has ADHD. And DD does not have autism (confirmed by 2 neuropsych evals, as mentioned earlier in the thread).

I think it's absolutely pathetic that you're still relying on your parents for your cell phone plan, or for money at all for that matter. I definitely don't think a 22 year-old fresh out of college who makes minimum wage working at the NIH (a similar situation to what DD is in) should rely on their parents for money at all.

Yes, DH and I strongly dislike her life choices. But that's not the reason we cut her off financially -- regardless of where she went to school or what she majored in, we would've never supported her financially after she graduated. Remember, DS has an excellent relationship with us, and we never paid for a penny of his living expenses after he graduated college.

I don't "rely" on the cell phone coverage lol-- I'm doing great financially and can easily afford a cell phone plan-- just family plan is cheaper for my mom and i than 2 separate plans and my parents don't see money as rigidly as you do- their priority is supporting me not judging me, even when I don't need any financial support.

and yea most nih post bacs needed some parent help as living in bethesda on 22k a year is rough- but now we're all Ph.D.s or MDs... just like being a grad/med student is rough financially for a while. you seem to lack any empathy for your daughter, just judgment, and poor kid must pick up on how strongly you hate her and prefer your son. i'm sure she can write a beautiful novel about that

[Anonymous]

this may shock you but " just 16% of those ages 18 to 24." are fully financially independent

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/01/25/financial-help-and-independence-in-young-adulthood/#:~:text=Overall%2C%2044%25%20of%20adults%20ages,children%20financially%20impacts%20parents'%20finances

so you made this rule that as soon as she graduated she is cut off from you (not even soap!)-- but you are in the strong minority of parents who would do so

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/01/25/financial-help-and-independence-in-young-adulthood/#:~:text=Overall%2C%2044%25%20of%20adults%20ages,children%20financially%20impacts%20parents'%20finances

maybe your kid is onto something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this may shock you but " just 16% of those ages 18 to 24." are fully financially independent

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/01/25/financial-help-and-independence-in-young-adulthood/#:~:text=Overall%2C%2044%25%20of%20adults%20ages,children%20financially%20impacts%20parents'%20finances

so you made this rule that as soon as she graduated she is cut off from you (not even soap!)-- but you are in the strong minority of parents who would do so

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2024/01/25/financial-help-and-independence-in-young-adulthood/#:~:text=Overall%2C%2044%25%20of%20adults%20ages,children%20financially%20impacts%20parents'%20finances

maybe your kid is onto something

68% among adults younger than 25. Young men and women are equally likely to say they received financial help from their parents.

the craziest part is you have a huge net worth and can easily afford the used car and definitley the soap. i hope you are more generous in your philanthropy to strangers if you are not willing to even fund that for your own kid .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:assuming you're not a troll for a second-- you sound like you are a very rigid thinker- which I'm guessing your daughter likely is too given she has ADHD (and ADHD is hereditary so wouldn't be surprised if you also have it).

Rigidity is extremely contagious-- if her entire childhood she was told there's one right way to be (christian, church going, in tech, thin, etc). and everything else is bad, then of course she's going to feel like crap if she doesn't fit your mold, and likely will get more rigid in response in her own choices. sounds like your son fits your mold perfectly, and therefore you get along and therefore you apparently give him stuff as he thinks you are generous.

guessing most of us do not meet your narrow idea of the one way to be successful- we're not all in tech, thin, don't all go to church, etc. i of course know many English majors with successful careers- one obese, one who studies weight stigma for a living

The economy is crap in 2026. i can think of multiple friends who are highly educated with decades of experience (e.g. phd, JD from ivy league schools, etc) thanks to doge and related layoffs who have been out of work for nearly a year. and i can also think of a family member who graduated from an ivy with a CS degree in 2020 unemployed. Fortunately they all have supportive families who are there to help them, not shame them- if that's help them financially a bit to get some basic toiletries (hard to get a job if you smell bad, or can't get to the the interview without a car).

you are very lucky to be so high earning-- guessing most of us don't make 600k a year- i'd use that to help support your daughter. i'm frankly 40 something with a successful career, marriage, beautiful house, and two kids and my parents still pay for my cell phone plan and other things. They certainly helped furnish my first apt when making well under 30k while working at the nih post undergrad. you seem to be very fixated that you dislike her life choices and therefore cutting her off from support.

No one else in our family has ADHD. And DD does not have autism (confirmed by 2 neuropsych evals, as mentioned earlier in the thread).

I think it's absolutely pathetic that you're still relying on your parents for your cell phone plan, or for money at all for that matter. I definitely don't think a 22 year-old fresh out of college who makes minimum wage working at the NIH (a similar situation to what DD is in) should rely on their parents for money at all.

Yes, DH and I strongly dislike her life choices. But that's not the reason we cut her off financially -- regardless of where she went to school or what she majored in, we would've never supported her financially after she graduated. Remember, DS has an excellent relationship with us, and we never paid for a penny of his living expenses after he graduated college.

You’ve already demonstrated that DS is the golden child and DD is the scapegoat. We don’t need to be reminded.

[Anonymous]

What’s the point of accumulating so much wealth if you won’t help your kids with it? You can help financially in ways that help her gain independence, which would absolutely include a used car, and maybe a work appropriate wardrobe, WiFi and cell phone plan so she can keep applying to jobs, a grocery budget to buy healthy food… no one is able to be 100% financially independent the day they graduate school without serious struggle and relying on ramen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of accumulating so much wealth if you won’t help your kids with it? You can help financially in ways that help her gain independence, which would absolutely include a used car, and maybe a work appropriate wardrobe, WiFi and cell phone plan so she can keep applying to jobs, a grocery budget to buy healthy food… no one is able to be 100% financially independent the day they graduate school without serious struggle and relying on ramen!

100% This is the part I don't get. I have young kids but already heavily saving for their college and beyond- that's what I work for. My parents did the same for me ( and have already contributed lots to my children's 529), and my grandparents did the same for them ( and their children and grandchildren). Intergenerational wealth is the true privelege of being financially comfortable that helps future generations- well more than the private hs you chose you to pay for. Our HHI is half yours and I can't comprehend what you're doing with all that extra. I sincerely hoping you're using it to help someone if it's not the daughter you hate.