My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really struggling here because my parents suck, but the kids other set of grandparents are amazing. My in-laws are helping us with the grandkids every way possible and they constantly visiting to help take care of our kids. They absolutely adore the grandkids, and provide significant financial support. They are willing to do anything to help us and support the grandkids. However, my parents are basically useless and they provide no help, but my parents are somehow under the impression that they are great grandparents. They only come to visit for short trips and don’t actually help much with taking care of the kids. My parents basically just want pictures to show their friends. After my baby was born my dad booked a hotel that was no where near where I was staying, and only visited the kids for 3 hours over the weekend. He spent most of the time traveling, and he even mentioned he is actually going on a week long vacation immediately after visiting my kids. This made me very angry because he clearly doesn’t prioritize the grandkids at all. My mother is not much better and she basically comes to visit only to see them without actually considering when we need really help. This situation has been very frustrating because my side of family contributes almost nothing to help with the grandkids and my in-laws are absolutely amazing people. The in-laws are very nice to me, but they are quite annoyed that my family does not even try to be helpful. The in-laws have never explicitly told me this, but I can tell they dislike my parents. The worst part of this situation is I completely understand why they feel this way because I would also dislike my kids in-laws if they acted similarly to my parents. It’s honestly gotten to the point where I’m not sure if I want them to visit at all because it just makes me angry how much they suck as grandparents.

They are your kids so its your job to raise them. Your parents raised you and your spouse's parents raised them, raising your kids isn't their responsibility. If any of them is willing and able to help, thank them, don't expect rest to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.

The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.

So you guys are defending the terrible grandparents? They didn’t even care when my kids were born? They literally came for 2 hours to take photos then left? Something is seriously wrong with people today if they think this is an acceptable behavior.

They’re your kids, weirdo. How kind did you want them to stay??? Two hours sounds like plenty. WTF, are you really this convinced you’re the center of the universe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't take time off work when my parents or in-laws visit. I have limited vacation time, and my parents understand and can entertain themselves, and my in-laws are DH's responsibility. I feel bad that I didn't take time off work one time when a sibling visited - I didn't really understand the expectation, and they had traveled across the country and staid with us. We have other family in the area; I just had the nicest guest room.

When my parents visit, they pitch in, but I don't expect it of them. My in-laws do not pitch in at all, so I am always busy with work when they visit. I need the distraction.

I'm the PP and I totally understand. I assumed here that when the parents visit for just 3 days, it's most likely the weekend. Of course if people stay longer, they should pitch in, but not be the primary planners/executors. It all can be agreed upon, not forced. I have parents/ILs abroad and when they come to visit, we take time off work (just the adult child) as they stay for about a week or 10 days and want to sightsee and do things, not just sit in our house. At the beginning of our marriage, my DH invited his mom and kept going to work and it didn't go well (she speaks a different language/no English). She was bored and pretty much started rearranging our kitchen as she had nothing to do, from then on DH takes time off work and plans some activities/travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are expecting too much from your parents. Parents aren't there to help with your kids or pay for your kids. If you get that from even one side, you've won the lotto.

This. Your in laws sound amazing. Be grateful you have them. You can’t control how they feel about your parents so don’t spend your mental energy thinking about it. Stop expecting more from your parents or comparing them to your in laws. They aren’t going to meet your expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.

The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.

So you guys are defending the terrible grandparents? They didn’t even care when my kids were born? They literally came for 2 hours to take photos then left? Something is seriously wrong with people today if they think this is an acceptable behavior.

They’re your kids, weirdo. How kind did you want them to stay??? Two hours sounds like plenty. WTF, are you really this convinced you’re the center of the universe?

Oooo Preach! +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships built on “usefulness” are not good relationships. Accusing your of using your kids for photographs and nothing more is more telling of your character than theirs. You sound spoiled and immature, unable to provide for your own kids.

The grandparents are building their relationship based on usefulness. They only come to take photos to stay a couple of hours a year and pretend they have a good relationship. They weigh each hour they spend on how useful it is to their life. OP feels used which is probably why she's saying they are useless. They are both using each other I suppose because there is no love to take the place. When you love someone relationship aren't this transactional and no one feels used because each person respects the boundaries someone sets and in the space in between they are there to love, not solely to get something out of the interaction.

So you guys are defending the terrible grandparents? They didn’t even care when my kids were born? They literally came for 2 hours to take photos then left? Something is seriously wrong with people today if they think this is an acceptable behavior.

They’re your kids, weirdo. How kind did you want them to stay??? Two hours sounds like plenty. WTF, are you really this convinced you’re the center of the universe?

Oooo Preach! +1

I never said I was the center of the universe and I don’t expect them to live here, but only coming for 2 hours then leaving indicates you clearly don’t give a sh*t about the grandkids or your own kids for that matter. There is something wrong with your brain if you only want to visit the grandkids for 2 hours when you meet them for the first time after they are born!

[Anonymous]

2 hours is plenty for a new-born! Most visits at that age are way shorter as the parents want to bond with their baby. Looks like you yourself are trying to avoid your baby like a plague, hoping that someone else changes their diapers and deals with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 hours is plenty for a new-born! Most visits at that age are way shorter as the parents want to bond with their baby. Looks like you yourself are trying to avoid your baby like a plague, hoping that someone else changes their diapers and deals with them.

American women brainwashed to believe that a mother shouldn’t be cared for after she gives birth.

[Anonymous]

This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down. But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down. But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.

You are saying your would only visit your newborn grandkids for two hours then go on vacation for a week? How would that make your children feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down. But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.

You are saying your would only visit your newborn grandkids for two hours then go on vacation for a week? How would that make your children feel?

Like their parents were people with independent lives who loved them enough to come to the hospital when their kids were born. You’re a greedy whiner. Are you looking forward to being a full time domestic servant for your old children the minute they have kids, saving all your money to give to them? I sure hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down. But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.

You are saying your would only visit your newborn grandkids for two hours then go on vacation for a week? How would that make your children feel?

Like their parents were people with independent lives who loved them enough to come to the hospital when their kids were born. You’re a greedy whiner. Are you looking forward to being a full time domestic servant for your old children the minute they have kids, saving all your money to give to them? I sure hope so.

Grandparents benefit their grandkids and grandkids benefit grandparents. Active and involved grandparents live longer and face slower decline (google the scientific studies). have you heard of the grandmother effect? Parenthood with grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. is the natural way of life, in a societies that don’t aim to create a worker bee out of every person for as long as humanly possible. Don’t make OP feel crazy because she feels something is off. Maybe the grandparents never really liked parenting either or they bought into the self-centered lifestyle that seems prevalent in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 hours is plenty for a new-born! Most visits at that age are way shorter as the parents want to bond with their baby. Looks like you yourself are trying to avoid your baby like a plague, hoping that someone else changes their diapers and deals with them.

American women brainwashed to believe that a mother shouldn’t be cared for after she gives birth.

I'm not an American and you're implying already for a second time that the OP and her parents are from different cultures. So OP's parents are American as you say (because they didn't stay to slave around their daughter), but the OP is not, expecting the slaving. Nobody took care of me after birth, I breastfed and had to figure that out, so I didn't have time to go all me-me-me after my emergency C-section. DH was sleeping like a baby in an armchair in our hospital room. Maybe don't have kids if someone else has to take care of them, so that you could have your me-time and the all-important work with 2-week business trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down. But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.

You are saying your would only visit your newborn grandkids for two hours then go on vacation for a week? How would that make your children feel?

Like their parents were people with independent lives who loved them enough to come to the hospital when their kids were born. You’re a greedy whiner. Are you looking forward to being a full time domestic servant for your old children the minute they have kids, saving all your money to give to them? I sure hope so.

Grandparents benefit their grandkids and grandkids benefit grandparents. Active and involved grandparents live longer and face slower decline (google the scientific studies). have you heard of the grandmother effect? Parenthood with grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. is the natural way of life, in a societies that don’t aim to create a worker bee out of every person for as long as humanly possible. Don’t make OP feel crazy because she feels something is off. Maybe the grandparents never really liked parenting either or they bought into the self-centered lifestyle that seems prevalent in this thread.

But where do the parents fit in your system? Here the OP is complaining that her parents don't cook nor clean, didn't stay to take care of her children for a 2-week business trip, didn't stay to take care of her after birth... and in fact the ILs are cooking and cleaning and changing diapers because she's busy working. Seems that she expects the grandmothers to do the mother's job. And what does the father do? Not once is the father mentioned in this thread, it's as if he doesn't exist, just his parents who are busy hovering over everybody. It's as if the parents want someone else to do their job, so that they'd not have to do it.