Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

Do you think grandma lives in a bubble?

Not unusual to limit contacts before you visit a newborn. That was true before covid. And especially true of young kids in daycare or preschool
settings.

The OP read like a family party and not the pre-K class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raised.

Except grandma can show up the next day. No one has explained why this one day matters so much.

All I've got is new moms are emotional and when they say jump you say how high. only op's daughter isn't a new mom this is at least her third child as op says she has other kids. both mom and baby are healthy so not an emergent situation In reality it doesn't matter. I'd love OP to come back and tell us what happened.

The OP says the older kids have met. I didn’t read this as a new mom, but a mom with a new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

Do you think grandma lives in a bubble?

Not unusual to limit contacts before you visit a newborn. That was true before covid. And especially true of young kids in daycare or preschool
settings.

The OP read like a family party and not the pre-K class.

The child in question seems to be the age for daycare or pre k. That’s the point. A lot of exposure there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good relationships with my grown kids, my parents, and my sibling.

In a family populated by mature adults who how to get along and where parents don't (or aren't perceived to) play favorites and no one is seething with resentment or looking for opportunities to be offended, mom goes to visit the child who just had a baby. The birthday party goes on without her, and she visits the birthday child at the next possible opportunity. The young birthday child takes no offense because it is explained in a no-big-deal way, and even exciting because when grandma comes, there will be a second celebration. Parent of birthday kid takes no offense because a newborn and her parents take precedent over the birthday party of a young child, unless there is reason to think, God forbid, that the young child won't have another birthday.

This is of course the correct answer but doesn’t seem to be possible in this family.

The answer is to go to the party you promised the young child you'd go to and find a way to visit the newborn either before or after. Grandma not showing up after she promised she'd go doesn't just get explained away that is something that stays with a kid no matter how much the mature adults read ( emotion suppressors and gaslighters) try to pretend the child doesn't fell hurt or shame them for feeling hurt.

How you are proposing grandma act here is how you end up with spoiled brats. It is very important that children learn that their birthday parties are not the most important thing in the world. The kids that don’t learn that lesson turn out to be adults that expect the world to revolve around them.

“I’m sorry, Larla, but your baby cousin was born and Grandma needs to go help them. That’s a really important thing for her to do, so she can’t come to your party. She’ll do something special with you another time.”

A child who can’t hear that message and accept it gracefully is a child who is being extremely badly raised.

Except grandma can show up the next day. No one has explained why this one day matters so much.

All I've got is new moms are emotional and when they say jump you say how high. only op's daughter isn't a new mom this is at least her third child as op says she has other kids. both mom and baby are healthy so not an emergent situation In reality it doesn't matter. I'd love OP to come back and tell us what happened.

The OP says the older kids have met. I didn’t read this as a new mom, but a mom with a new baby.

I don’t think PP meant first time mom, just new mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I’m reading the villain origin story of those nightmare narcissist thirty-year-olds who expect their birthdays to be celebrated like a national holiday.

I am willing to bet the estranged sister makes it a battle of the birthday parties every year.

This isn’t about a birthday party at all. It’s about a newborn who came early. Why can’t you get that?! She didn’t plan a premature or early birth!

I understand that this sister can’t wait 24 hours for her mother to see her sister’s child.

It’s been answered a few times. A lot of people want a hospital visit with their mom, and the mom is concerned about birthday party germs (understandable).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

Actually the OP was equivocal on that.

“the birthday kid is young enough that they may not notice“

Missing this party is a no brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Newborn will still be there the next day. Unless there's an actual emergency, I tend to keep my pre-existing plans - I find that this feels the most fair and is the least likely to upset anyone.

Also, I may be reading into things too much, but the child calling and asking you to come on the day of the other grandchild's birthday after being on bad terms for months seems manipulative. Is there any reason you can't see the newborn the following day?

This.

You stick to your commitments or you run the risk of alienating both kids.

"Larla, I'm so exited for the borth of Jane and I just cannot wait to meet her. I will come as soon as I can. It's John's birthday today and Patty already planned a small party. I'll leave a bit early to see you as soon as possible." If Larla cannot handle a person with integrity doing what they said they would do, that's on her. Now if Larla had a difficult birth or some complications or the baby does - pack it up Grandma, John can wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

Do you think grandma lives in a bubble?

Not unusual to limit contacts before you visit a newborn. That was true before covid. And especially true of young kids in daycare or preschool
settings.

She wants grandma to come the next day. Grandma has still been out in the world interacting and hasn’t limited exposure. This effectively means the sister is saying the only people she’s worried about is her sister’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Well it's clear that the child with the new baby is your favorite.


It doesn't seem like the baby is in the hospital and not doing well.

It also seems like this women has other children.

also not clear why the newborn visit must be that day.


do one of the following

a. go to the party and visit the baby the next day.

b. Stay the night before near new grandbaby, do earliest visit as possible, bring gifts for both then drive to party!

Because the birthday party is that day. A reasonable person would be flexible in this situation. This person is not that

[Anonymous]

OP what ended up happening?

[Anonymous]

If the child with the newborn needs help, I would go to the newborn. If it is just to visit, then birthday party and visit newborn the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

Do you think grandma lives in a bubble?

Not unusual to limit contacts before you visit a newborn. That was true before covid. And especially true of young kids in daycare or preschool
settings.

She wants grandma to come the next day. Grandma has still been out in the world interacting and hasn’t limited exposure. This effectively means the sister is saying the only people she’s worried about is her sister’s family.

Grandma hasn’t been rolling around in a daycare, which is a much higher risk environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

This. New moms are rightly cautious of germs. Grandma cannot do both.

Do you think grandma lives in a bubble?

Not unusual to limit contacts before you visit a newborn. That was true before covid. And especially true of young kids in daycare or preschool
settings.

She wants grandma to come the next day. Grandma has still been out in the world interacting and hasn’t limited exposure. This effectively means the sister is saying the only people she’s worried about is her sister’s family.

The woman also has older kids there's zero chance of you being 100% germ free once you have older kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what ended up happening?

I would like to know what happened. I’m pretty sure OP is birthday party mom though, so not sure we’d get a truthful recounting.