Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

“I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay”

Oh boy ..

Yeah, they’re cooked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Imagine if a man said that the thought of sleeping with his postpartum wife grossed him out, and that he hated giving oral.

Imagine if someone was intelligent to know that men are incapable of being pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding. The day that happens, come back and let us know how it goes for them. Weight gain, hormones, pain, being a human milk machine. And it lasts for a few years for each pregnancy. Men have no equivalent that comes anywhere close to that experience.

OP - it sounds like last night was great. Don't take the misogynistic comments to heart. They're men who can't get laid or women who are too insecure in their relationships. A strong marriage can withstand this and so. much. more.

OMG - this is extremely offensive, not to mention being factually false.

Men are every bit as capable of giving birth. You are a bigot and probably a MAGA, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Imagine if a man said that the thought of sleeping with his postpartum wife grossed him out, and that he hated giving oral.

Imagine if someone was intelligent to know that men are incapable of being pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding. The day that happens, come back and let us know how it goes for them. Weight gain, hormones, pain, being a human milk machine. And it lasts for a few years for each pregnancy. Men have no equivalent that comes anywhere close to that experience.

OP - it sounds like last night was great. Don't take the misogynistic comments to heart. They're men who can't get laid or women who are too insecure in their relationships. A strong marriage can withstand this and so. much. more.

OMG - this is extremely offensive, not to mention being factually false.

Men are every bit as capable of giving birth. You are a bigot and probably a MAGA, PP.

Good point.

Question for that pp:

So do I you hate all LGTBQIA+ people as much as you obviously hate trans folks?

[Anonymous]

There obviously is a spectrum of "postpartum" or there wouldn't be Irish twins.
OP doe you ever try to master bate? Does it feel painful or bad?

[Anonymous]

This is not a strong marriage.
Has OP ever said she loves him? Ever loved him?

[Anonymous]

Divorce amicably and be co-parents and friends befo you make both of you even more miserable and start to hate each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Imagine if a man said that the thought of sleeping with his postpartum wife grossed him out, and that he hated giving oral.

Imagine if someone was intelligent to know that men are incapable of being pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding. The day that happens, come back and let us know how it goes for them. Weight gain, hormones, pain, being a human milk machine. And it lasts for a few years for each pregnancy. Men have no equivalent that comes anywhere close to that experience.

OP - it sounds like last night was great. Don't take the misogynistic comments to heart. They're men who can't get laid or women who are too insecure in their relationships. A strong marriage can withstand this and so. much. more.

Just great. Now the MAGAs have found this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

"I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay" That is the issue, you made it sound like a favor or "pity (not) sex". Why couldn't you say "while I am not in the mood for xyz, I would really like to watch you abc while I am next you"? He wants touch and intimacy, the physical touch doesn't have to be on his P. The intimacy can be you being there, while he is in a "vulnerable" state or the conversation, words, ideas, moans, dreams, the two of you share while you are close. Ask him questions while he is doing it. Any type of back and forth literally or figuratively would go a long way.

NP.

I agree with this. It’s progress at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce amicably and be co-parents and friends befo you make both of you even more miserable and start to hate each other.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Imagine if a man said that the thought of sleeping with his postpartum wife grossed him out, and that he hated giving oral.

Imagine if someone was intelligent to know that men are incapable of being pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding. The day that happens, come back and let us know how it goes for them. Weight gain, hormones, pain, being a human milk machine. And it lasts for a few years for each pregnancy. Men have no equivalent that comes anywhere close to that experience.

OP - it sounds like last night was great. Don't take the misogynistic comments to heart. They're men who can't get laid or women who are too insecure in their relationships. A strong marriage can withstand this and so. much. more.

OMG - this is extremely offensive, not to mention being factually false.

Men are every bit as capable of giving birth. You are a bigot and probably a MAGA, PP.

Good point.

Question for that pp:

So do I you hate all LGTBQIA+ people as much as you obviously hate trans folks?

Yeah and both of you are completely full of S

[Anonymous]

practical suggestion from someone who has been there: watch some tasteful X-rated movies together. Let whatever hapen happen, no requirements or expectations. Works because it takes all the pressure off both of you. Turns out it’s kinda fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:practical suggestion from someone who has been there: watch some tasteful X-rated movies together. Let whatever hapen happen, no requirements or expectations. Works because it takes all the pressure off both of you. Turns out it’s kinda fun.

It can’t hurt to try this.

Two mature married adults should be able to try this once, but if not, maybe start with a racier download like Fifty Shades of Gray or maybe “The Secretary” with James Spader. Agree with pp; whatever happens, just let it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

“I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay”

Oh boy ..

DH here: Hard disagree. OP, don’t sweat the haters here, it actually sounds to my ear like one or two dudes anyway. This strikes me as actually sweet and kind of hot as a way to start back on this path. There’s a lack of erotic imagination in some. Start there, gradually increase the cuddling and physical closeness as he does this, my guess is you are back in the saddle in no time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

"I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay" That is the issue, you made it sound like a favor or "pity (not) sex". Why couldn't you say "while I am not in the mood for xyz, I would really like to watch you abc while I am next you"? He wants touch and intimacy, the physical touch doesn't have to be on his P. The intimacy can be you being there, while he is in a "vulnerable" state or the conversation, words, ideas, moans, dreams, the two of you share while you are close. Ask him questions while he is doing it. Any type of back and forth literally or figuratively would go a long way.

NP.

I agree with this. It’s progress at least.

I don’t even think you need all the talking, which might make things a little worse given where OP is, that can be hard. Physical closeness during this process is all it will likely take, IMO, because the need is more for physical affection than anything else.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised no one has brought this up, but, OP… do you have any type of sexual trauma in your past?