Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

I agree that past trauma is worth exploring here. She refuses sex 100% during pregnancy "my choice" and only engages in oral twice a year, like it's something extraordinary. She doesn't seem comfortable in her own skin.

[Anonymous]

Op sounds very emotional and unnecessarily complicates simple things

[Anonymous]

It is okay to refuse sex to anyone for any reason. It's not cruel, or sinful, and you're not defective. You also don't have to 'suck it up' if you don't want to. If this will cause a strain in your marriage find other non-sexual ways to maintain your relationship. If this doesn't work you might end up divorcing, but it sounds like both of you are committed to staying together so I don't think that's very likely. Maybe your libido will come back, who knows? But the important thing is that no one owes anyone else sex, even if they're married.

[Anonymous]

This is a you problem. And you don't even want to fix it. I feel bad for this poor guy. Have the divorce/open marriage conversation already and get on with it. Free yourself up to be left alone for life and for him to pursue and equal relationship.

[Anonymous]

I think all women do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is okay to refuse sex to anyone for any reason. It's not cruel, or sinful, and you're not defective. You also don't have to 'suck it up' if you don't want to. If this will cause a strain in your marriage find other non-sexual ways to maintain your relationship. If this doesn't work you might end up divorcing, but it sounds like both of you are committed to staying together so I don't think that's very likely. Maybe your libido will come back, who knows? But the important thing is that no one owes anyone else sex, even if they're married.

I agree with what was written above to the extent it's a defense of honesty, authentic sexual expression, and a woman's right to consent, but if a woman remains disgusted by the thought of sex with her husband for years, there's a good chance he will become her ex husband. A woman who isn't attracted to her husband is in a very bad situation, as is her husband. The marriage is at risk. A woman should care about this situation and try to fix it if it is going on for years.

[Anonymous]

It's absolutely fine not to be intimate. BUT sometimes we all just put it in our mouth for the sake of our relationships. It really isn't that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Are you breastfeeding? I feel like it is probably hormones. Op again. Yes. Someone already suggested I stop and I won't be doing that breastfeeding is important to both of us."

Isn't maintaining an exclusive sexual relationship with one another also important to both of you? If you want your kids to grow up in a happy home with married parents, it should be.

I'm a woman and a bio mom who gave birth vaginally. I'm struggling to understand why you're not interested in offering the person you love and married a HJ or BJ when you don't feel up for PIV. Those have nothing to do with your perhaps still healing V. You don't need to be turned on to do that. I'm older (almost 60) and sometimes my even older partner doesn't feel up for PIV, so he happily does other things that will satisfy me. I probably wouldn't stay with him if he didn't, since I already have plenty of platonic friends I could hang out with instead of participating in a sham relationship. If he were feeling ill, I'd expect him to take action quickly to resolve the problem. It wouldn't work as a romantic or sexual relationship if he expected me to be celibate indefinitely while he did nothing to get things back on track. A marriage license doesn't somehow change this fundamental truth. At best, being married buys you a bit more time till he throws in the towel.

It's normal to sometimes not feel like PIV, so you give a HJ or BJ as a gift/act of service instead. You know full well that if when you were still dating pre-engagement, you had suddenly refused to do anything sexual at all for more than a short period of time, you two never would have gotten married. And why? Because nobody marries someone to make them a platonic roommate. For you to refuse to relate to him sexually now that you're married seems to be a bait and switch. It's like you believe he's trapped, but you're wrong. Nobody agrees to be celibate for years when they make their wedding vows. You claim he wouldn't leave, but why would you want to risk that with someone you supposedly love and cherish?

This is such a thoughtful and helpful reply! I largely agree with this PP, but especially to the extent op needs to keep trying here.

Communication was a big first step for her. Do more of that. Don’t avoid it.

It’s going to take more than just communication though. Several people have made constructive suggestions and I think they are worth trying, including reading erotica (alone at first, if you have to), or together, or watching p*rn, preferably together.

I think you were on the right track also about staying and watching while he takes care of himself. Make it intimate. Eventually maybe you can join in. But the key is togetherness.

It sounds like a tough road back to the intimacy which created your two children, but if your marriage is otherwise good, don’t throw in the towel just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is okay to refuse sex to anyone for any reason. It's not cruel, or sinful, and you're not defective. You also don't have to 'suck it up' if you don't want to. If this will cause a strain in your marriage find other non-sexual ways to maintain your relationship. If this doesn't work you might end up divorcing, but it sounds like both of you are committed to staying together so I don't think that's very likely. Maybe your libido will come back, who knows? But the important thing is that no one owes anyone else sex, even if they're married.

When you are married, you certainly owe sex to your spouse; unless BOTH partners are low libido and don’t care for it. Otherwise the only “solution” is divorce which is a horrible thing to do for children. Fix the problem instead of upending the lives of children. Oh and stop being so emotional and stop over complicating things like op. Just do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is okay to refuse sex to anyone for any reason. It's not cruel, or sinful, and you're not defective. You also don't have to 'suck it up' if you don't want to. If this will cause a strain in your marriage find other non-sexual ways to maintain your relationship. If this doesn't work you might end up divorcing, but it sounds like both of you are committed to staying together so I don't think that's very likely. Maybe your libido will come back, who knows? But the important thing is that no one owes anyone else sex, even if they're married.

100% this. You have made your position clear- there will no longer be intimacy in your marriage. If he is a high character man, he will accept this. If not, he will complain, or (more extreme) cheat or divorce. He needs to understand that this is the reality of the marriage going forward, until and unless you decide otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t this how most marriages are? We don’t even have kids and I’m generally happily married but I’m just not interested in sex. I am too tired and stressed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is sinful and cruel not to have sex with your spouse without a valid reason (ex: medical issue)

How is it sinful?

Ugh, I really hate these extremists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t this how most marriages are? We don’t even have kids and I’m generally happily married but I’m just not interested in sex. I am too tired and stressed out.

No. Not how our marriage is at all.
Our marriage is an all priority, and sex/intimacy is a priority within our marriage. How can you be too tired for intimacy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t this how most marriages are? We don’t even have kids and I’m generally happily married but I’m just not interested in sex. I am too tired and stressed out.

I’m not really interested either but I don’t turn my husband down for his 1-2x week asks. And it’s not that terrible once we actually get into it. If he wanted to go every day that would become an issue but I chose not to create a problem in an otherwise happy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's absolutely fine not to be intimate. BUT sometimes we all just put it in our mouth for the sake of our relationships. It really isn't that hard.

No we all don't.