Struggling with being intimate with my husband

[Anonymous]

How did it go last night, OP ?

[Anonymous]

It’s so eye opening how enraged men get when women don’t “put out”, not just to them but any other man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

It’s abusive to unilaterally deny your spouse sex absent a valid medical reason.

Gross. Again, go away with your misogynistic comments!

Enjoy being single!

[Anonymous]

Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so eye opening how enraged men get when women don’t “put out”, not just to them but any other man.

I'm a woman who's commented on this thread.

I don't like either extreme. No, nobody should have sex if they don't want to. No, nobody should go without sex for weeks/months/years if they don't want to. Unfortunately most people default to one of those two.

Personally, when my H has stopped wanting sex (due to his depression and other mental health issues), I've let him know I don't want him to have sex with me if he doesn't want to because that's gross, but also, I need it regularly and we'll need to find other solutions, whether that's therapy, medical workups, testosterone, an open marriage, etc.

What doesn't work is months or years of "but I'm sick!" with zero effort to see a doctor or address the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this board trends older meaning a lot of posters are from a generation where women were just expected to put up with it. It seems op and her husband are younger and based on what op has shared have a more egalitarian relationship that's not centered on sex or a man's supposed needs. Her husband by ops description has been respectful and understanding while expressing his desires which is how it should be and it's sad to me that so many don't have this experience and worse that they are teaching others that this shouldn't be the norm.
Op doesn't sound like she doesn't care to me it sounds like she is struggling.
It's radical but my husband and I have always agreed that sex should be fun for both of us and if it's not fun , if both of us aren't participating enthusiastically we figure out why together without blaming, shaming or guilt. .maybe that approach would be helpful for op and her husband no blame just figuring out together what would make sex desired for both of you again.. wishing you luck, op. And ignore those wishing he will cheat on you they are speaking about their own pain.

Nope, I'm young and saying suck it up. If you can go to a job you hate most days you can suck a d*ck when you don't feel like it. We're not talking every day, we're talking doing the bare minimum to make your partner happy or seeking help!

Wow. You sound rapey AF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

It’s abusive to unilaterally deny your spouse sex absent a valid medical reason.

She has a valid medical reason. It’s called child birth you f***ing idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He's not going to cheat or divorce that's not who he is as a person.I don't know why some or I suspect one poster who seems to take this personally insist I don't love him. I do very much. I like being around him, spending time with him. He makes me laugh etc. as a person I find him attractive but sexually I don't. After my first pregnancy I did do the maintenance HJs until I was up for full sex I wasn't in the mood for it but still did them.thatbis probably why he's asking about it now.Now the thought of touching him or him touching me makes me feel ill. And there's no good way to tell him that and I don't want to hurt him. I keep thinking a flip will switch because with my oldest I started having some desire back around 5 months post partum though I didn't feel ill about it.

Anyway, I already said that I'd give it a try tonight and hopefully it will be fine. Thank you to the few posters who were sane and offered helpful perspectives.

People think cheating is just “my wife won’t sleep with me so I got on Tinder.” It’s not usually like that.

A lot of people who cheat aren’t trying to. They’ve just accepted that sex isn’t happening in their relationship anymore. They’re not happy about it, but they’re not trying to blow up their life either.

Then someone shows up. Could be a coworker, someone from their kid’s school, a neighbor. And it’s not like this big, dramatic affair. It starts small, normal conversations, a joke, maybe a compliment. Over time, there’s a shift and they start sending out small signals of interest. Flirting, texting all day, getting into sexting. And suddenly, that part of them they thought was gone, the part that wants to feel wanted, starts coming back.

Eventually it gets hard to ignore. And yeah, sometimes they cross the line. Not because they’re bad, not because they planned it, but because they felt invisible in their own relationship, and someone finally saw them.

Why do you hope her husband cheats on her?.

Nobody hopes her husband cheats on her. But if he goes years without sex, it's going to happen eventually.

I'm sorry you are a low value man or that the only men in your life are low value.

It’s abusive to unilaterally deny your spouse sex absent a valid medical reason.

She has a valid medical reason. It’s called child birth you f***ing idiot.

Take your meds. The child wasn’t born yesterday.

[Anonymous]

To the OP - I think you deserve congratulations for last night for finally opening up to him . I think that’s actually a huge step forward. But not the only step.

You also made progress by kissing and caressing, plus - most importantly: you feeling something again. And offering to stay while he took care of himself was a step too. Maybe try again and maybe combine those two next time. Most important is to keep trying!

[Anonymous]

This thread is truly gross…..in so many ways.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP - I think you deserve congratulations for last night for finally opening up to him . I think that’s actually a huge step forward. But not the only step.

You also made progress by kissing and caressing, plus - most importantly: you feeling something again. And offering to stay while he took care of himself was a step too. Maybe try again and maybe combine those two next time. Most important is to keep trying!

+1. Talking about it, touching, kissing, all positive developments. Take the pressure off and let intimacy develop again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

“I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay”

Oh boy ..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Full disclosure we were never super active even before our oldest was born 4 years ago. At our peak it was 3 to 4 times a week. We don't have sex at all during my pregnancies - my choice. Pre second pregnancy it was 1 to 2 times a week. We've been at zero since the second was born 5.5 months ago. My husband has been good about this no complaints no grumpiness. He's a very good husband and father and when we are intimate it's never been bad. It's just that the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It's not just PIV. He's been taking care of himself largely without my knowledge except when I walked in on him which felt awkward and uncomfortable for me. Which brings me to this about a month ago he asked for a BJ which I don't love but do for him at least twice a year but he asked because he was having a particularly rough time. I said no then and he let it go no complaints etc. continued being a great husband. Then last Friday he asked if I would be willing to once a week give him an HJ with kissing and whatever I wanted. I asked him to give me a week to think about it. Well it's a week and honestly the thought of doing that or anything with him grosses me out. So I want to say no and I no he would accept it with grace, but I also know turning him down repeatedly is hurting him and likely our marriage in the long-term. I just don't know how to get past this.

And because I know someone will ask ,no he has not changed drastically physically since we met.

Imagine if a man said that the thought of sleeping with his postpartum wife grossed him out, and that he hated giving oral.

Imagine if someone was intelligent to know that men are incapable of being pregnant and giving birth and breastfeeding. The day that happens, come back and let us know how it goes for them. Weight gain, hormones, pain, being a human milk machine. And it lasts for a few years for each pregnancy. Men have no equivalent that comes anywhere close to that experience.

OP - it sounds like last night was great. Don't take the misogynistic comments to heart. They're men who can't get laid or women who are too insecure in their relationships. A strong marriage can withstand this and so. much. more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

It's good, OP. Keep doing it. It gives him hope of a light at end of the tunnel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Last night I tried. I told him I was willing to try but I didn't know if I could promise every week. So I tried but he could tell it wasn't that into it so we stopped. And I felt bad and explained that I wasn't really up for it but thought I should try. And that led to a discussion about how I've been feeling and me crying because I felt bad and I knew I was making him feel bad. And I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay . He declined and then the baby woke up so we dealt with that. Then once the baby was settled he asked if he could hug me and we cuddled and a little bit of kissing. for the first time in months it didn't feel uncomfortable for me . I'm a mess I know. But maybe it's a start.

"I told him he could take care of himself and I would stay" That is the issue, you made it sound like a favor or "pity (not) sex". Why couldn't you say "while I am not in the mood for xyz, I would really like to watch you abc while I am next you"? He wants touch and intimacy, the physical touch doesn't have to be on his P. The intimacy can be you being there, while he is in a "vulnerable" state or the conversation, words, ideas, moans, dreams, the two of you share while you are close. Ask him questions while he is doing it. Any type of back and forth literally or figuratively would go a long way.