Would you be resentful if your partner worked only 3-4 hours a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my spouse was super overworked and was working long hours, I might pitch in more. but just because Im more efficient and get all of my stuff done if less time, doesn't mean I need to carry a heavier load.

Are you also under the assumption that more productive people at work SHOULD do more and be paid exactly the same as the ones who don't get as much done?

Newsflash - marriage and work aren’t the same. If I’m more productive than my co-workers that’s completely different from sitting on my ass watching TV while my husband works longer hours.

What if your spouse worked 12 hour days. Do you need to find some way to not relax an additional four hours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t give it another thought! It’s your life and those who love you want you to be content.

Delusional person. No one wants to be miserable while their spouse is hanging out at the gym and watching Netflix. if this was a guy doing this DCUM would be all over him.

1000000%

Sounds like the husband should leave once he finds out.

You think he should leave OP because she's found a way to earn a significant income while working part time hours?

[Anonymous]

Family load is like joint account, no matter who puts more or less, everyone shares. Same goes for time and effort. If one makes more money other benefits, if one has more time, other benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the people posting in this thread shouldn’t be in any type of relationship, and certainly shouldn’t be married.

What a bunch of lazy, entitled, selfish asshats.

If you’re talking about some of us saying that op is not doing anything wrong, then you should examine your own values. Why do you feel that a partner who earns more, contributes, 50 in Household chores and more than that with kids is lazy or entitled. Because she is a woman? Gross.

No, you freaking weirdo. Because she is LYING to her husband about how much she “works” so that she can laze around the house like a sloth binge watching crap on Netflix rather than getting off her lazy a$$ and doing the grocery shopping or the laundry every once in awhile, so he can have a bit of free time as well. I also guarantee that she doesn’t actually do jacksh!t with the kids, she’s too lazy and self-centered.

OP is an a$$hole, and I hope her husband decides to hit her up style when the eventually divorce.

Well, good luck to the person married to you. You seem like a thoughtful, considerate, well-adjusted person.

I don’t think you know what any of these words mean if you’re defending OP’s behavior…

Never did I say anything about OP. Just about that comment. Name-calling, ranting, cursing… nice.

LOL. Yeah, those are the things that *really* matter… (idiot)

One of the key predictors of divorce is contempt. (The most accurate predictor is stonewalling). Divorce due to contempt can be a sign of lesser relationship problems as well, such as with close friends and family. Relationship problems can prevent promotions at work as well as moving into the more flexible roles it seems like you’d like.

If you want to make changes in your life, I would start with the Gottman Institute.

Or you can also spew hate on happy, successful people on the internet.

I think you are extremely confused. Maybe stop spending your days watching self help videos on tik tok and pick up a dictionary. Or, you know, talk to your own spouse about the contempt you clearly have for him, which is why you’re okay letting him work like a dog while you sit on your fat @$$ all day.

As my youngest would say, 😶🤷

But that’s why he has friends.

Your responses make more sense now. You’re obviously a lonely empty nester who no longer has a relationship with her husband (and never had friends - no one wants some uptight Karen trying to control what words they’re allowed to use at brunch, after all).

Don’t worry, maybe one of your kids will call you soon if they can find the time between hanging out with their friends (who presumably aren’t insane *gasp* a s s h o l e s like their mommy) and working or studying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

+1
Are you in for yourself or for your family? OP is only in for herself and leaving her DH out to dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the people posting in this thread shouldn’t be in any type of relationship, and certainly shouldn’t be married.

What a bunch of lazy, entitled, selfish asshats.

If you’re talking about some of us saying that op is not doing anything wrong, then you should examine your own values. Why do you feel that a partner who earns more, contributes, 50 in Household chores and more than that with kids is lazy or entitled. Because she is a woman? Gross.

No, you freaking weirdo. Because she is LYING to her husband about how much she “works” so that she can laze around the house like a sloth binge watching crap on Netflix rather than getting off her lazy a$$ and doing the grocery shopping or the laundry every once in awhile, so he can have a bit of free time as well. I also guarantee that she doesn’t actually do jacksh!t with the kids, she’s too lazy and self-centered.

OP is an a$$hole, and I hope her husband decides to hit her up style when the eventually divorce.

Well, good luck to the person married to you. You seem like a thoughtful, considerate, well-adjusted person.

I don’t think you know what any of these words mean if you’re defending OP’s behavior…

Never did I say anything about OP. Just about that comment. Name-calling, ranting, cursing… nice.

LOL. Yeah, those are the things that *really* matter… (idiot)

One of the key predictors of divorce is contempt. (The most accurate predictor is stonewalling). Divorce due to contempt can be a sign of lesser relationship problems as well, such as with close friends and family. Relationship problems can prevent promotions at work as well as moving into the more flexible roles it seems like you’d like.

If you want to make changes in your life, I would start with the Gottman Institute.

Or you can also spew hate on happy, successful people on the internet.

I think you are extremely confused. Maybe stop spending your days watching self help videos on tik tok and pick up a dictionary. Or, you know, talk to your own spouse about the contempt you clearly have for him, which is why you’re okay letting him work like a dog while you sit on your fat @$$ all day.

As my youngest would say, 😶🤷

But that’s why he has friends.

Your responses make more sense now. You’re obviously a lonely empty nester who no longer has a relationship with her husband (and never had friends - no one wants some uptight Karen trying to control what words they’re allowed to use at brunch, after all).

Don’t worry, maybe one of your kids will call you soon if they can find the time between hanging out with their friends (who presumably aren’t insane *gasp* a s s h o l e s like their mommy) and working or studying.

He’s 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

+1
Are you in for yourself or for your family? OP is only in for herself and leaving her DH out to dry.

OP. So like, the entire reason I started this business is H wanted to take his dream job, which has long hours and he often has to leave the house by 6am or stay late. It also does not pay very well - not bad, but not great. I had the constraints that I needed to make up for the pay cut while also only working the hours of 9-3 because of kid schedules, I figured out a way to do that, and got so efficient that I really only have to work 9-12.

I agreed to this, but part of our agreement was also that he would take on extra domestic work since I was on-duty with kids basically 24/7. I get the kids ready in the morning and take them to school/daycare. I pick them up, including early release once a week. I handle the sick days and snow days.

He's not some poor guy chained to a desk, miserable. He has a job he loves.

The thought of having to spend those hours I don't need to work (12-3 or so) cleaning toilets or vacuuming or starting dinner or whatever so H can have the dream job AND no domestic work is depressing. I don't want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

+1
Are you in for yourself or for your family? OP is only in for herself and leaving her DH out to dry.

OP. So like, the entire reason I started this business is H wanted to take his dream job, which has long hours and he often has to leave the house by 6am or stay late. It also does not pay very well - not bad, but not great. I had the constraints that I needed to make up for the pay cut while also only working the hours of 9-3 because of kid schedules, I figured out a way to do that, and got so efficient that I really only have to work 9-12.

I agreed to this, but part of our agreement was also that he would take on extra domestic work since I was on-duty with kids basically 24/7. I get the kids ready in the morning and take them to school/daycare. I pick them up, including early release once a week. I handle the sick days and snow days.

He's not some poor guy chained to a desk, miserable. He has a job he loves.

The thought of having to spend those hours I don't need to work (12-3 or so) cleaning toilets or vacuuming or starting dinner or whatever so H can have the dream job AND no domestic work is depressing. I don't want to do that.

Typical DCUM poster adding (most likely fake or exaggerated) pertinent details well after the fact when the responses aren’t going the way she expected. LOL to the bizarre sentiment that you doing more than nothing in your free time = your DH having to never do anything ever, btw.

If you have this agreement why the hell did you even start this thread? There is a lot of stuff on Netflix right now, are you really this bored?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

+1
Are you in for yourself or for your family? OP is only in for herself and leaving her DH out to dry.

OP. So like, the entire reason I started this business is H wanted to take his dream job, which has long hours and he often has to leave the house by 6am or stay late. It also does not pay very well - not bad, but not great. I had the constraints that I needed to make up for the pay cut while also only working the hours of 9-3 because of kid schedules, I figured out a way to do that, and got so efficient that I really only have to work 9-12.

I agreed to this, but part of our agreement was also that he would take on extra domestic work since I was on-duty with kids basically 24/7. I get the kids ready in the morning and take them to school/daycare. I pick them up, including early release once a week. I handle the sick days and snow days.

He's not some poor guy chained to a desk, miserable. He has a job he loves.

The thought of having to spend those hours I don't need to work (12-3 or so) cleaning toilets or vacuuming or starting dinner or whatever so H can have the dream job AND no domestic work is depressing. I don't want to do that.

If you have all this money then why don’t you have weekly cleaners or even a housekeeper?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my spouse was super overworked and was working long hours, I might pitch in more. but just because Im more efficient and get all of my stuff done if less time, doesn't mean I need to carry a heavier load.

Are you also under the assumption that more productive people at work SHOULD do more and be paid exactly the same as the ones who don't get as much done?

Newsflash - marriage and work aren’t the same. If I’m more productive than my co-workers that’s completely different from sitting on my ass watching TV while my husband works longer hours.

What if your spouse worked 12 hour days. Do you need to find some way to not relax an additional four hours?

Assuming no commute and 8 hours of sleep, that would leave four hours a day that my spouse would have for non-work things.

If I worked 8 hours a day with no commute and got 8 hours of sleep, I would have 8 hours a day for non-work things.

I would expect that I'd spend 6 hours on childcare/house stuff and 2 hours of free time. My spouse would spend 2 hours on childcare/house and 2 hours of free time.

Why is this so complicated? Who is making up ways to not relax? Some of us would prefer to help our spouse out if they were working harder than we were. But you do and enjoy your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you’ve come clean to your husband, and he’s happy for you. I would walk away from the rest of this conversation. There’s no point to continuing it since the issue in your marriage has been resolved. Everyone else should go work on their own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

+1
Are you in for yourself or for your family? OP is only in for herself and leaving her DH out to dry.

OP. So like, the entire reason I started this business is H wanted to take his dream job, which has long hours and he often has to leave the house by 6am or stay late. It also does not pay very well - not bad, but not great. I had the constraints that I needed to make up for the pay cut while also only working the hours of 9-3 because of kid schedules, I figured out a way to do that, and got so efficient that I really only have to work 9-12.

I agreed to this, but part of our agreement was also that he would take on extra domestic work since I was on-duty with kids basically 24/7. I get the kids ready in the morning and take them to school/daycare. I pick them up, including early release once a week. I handle the sick days and snow days.

He's not some poor guy chained to a desk, miserable. He has a job he loves.

The thought of having to spend those hours I don't need to work (12-3 or so) cleaning toilets or vacuuming or starting dinner or whatever so H can have the dream job AND no domestic work is depressing. I don't want to do that.

If you have all this money then why don’t you have weekly cleaners or even a housekeeper?

+1. What else is money for if not to spare yourself from cleaning toilets and vacuuming? Who starts dinner in the hours between 12 and 3?

You having such miniscule problems is a sign your marriage is in a pretty good place, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my spouse was super overworked and was working long hours, I might pitch in more. but just because Im more efficient and get all of my stuff done if less time, doesn't mean I need to carry a heavier load.

Are you also under the assumption that more productive people at work SHOULD do more and be paid exactly the same as the ones who don't get as much done?

Newsflash - marriage and work aren’t the same. If I’m more productive than my co-workers that’s completely different from sitting on my ass watching TV while my husband works longer hours.

What if your spouse worked 12 hour days. Do you need to find some way to not relax an additional four hours?

Assuming no commute and 8 hours of sleep, that would leave four hours a day that my spouse would have for non-work things.

If I worked 8 hours a day with no commute and got 8 hours of sleep, I would have 8 hours a day for non-work things.

I would expect that I'd spend 6 hours on childcare/house stuff and 2 hours of free time. My spouse would spend 2 hours on childcare/house and 2 hours of free time.

Why is this so complicated? Who is making up ways to not relax? Some of us would prefer to help our spouse out if they were working harder than we were. But you do and enjoy your marriage.

Why do you have eight hours of housework to do every day? (6 for you and 2 for your spouse)

I would do like 2 hours of housework every day, he would do none, and I wouldn’t make up 30 hours a week of extra work just to feel like things are even.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

+1
Are you in for yourself or for your family? OP is only in for herself and leaving her DH out to dry.

OP. So like, the entire reason I started this business is H wanted to take his dream job, which has long hours and he often has to leave the house by 6am or stay late. It also does not pay very well - not bad, but not great. I had the constraints that I needed to make up for the pay cut while also only working the hours of 9-3 because of kid schedules, I figured out a way to do that, and got so efficient that I really only have to work 9-12.

I agreed to this, but part of our agreement was also that he would take on extra domestic work since I was on-duty with kids basically 24/7. I get the kids ready in the morning and take them to school/daycare. I pick them up, including early release once a week. I handle the sick days and snow days.

He's not some poor guy chained to a desk, miserable. He has a job he loves.

The thought of having to spend those hours I don't need to work (12-3 or so) cleaning toilets or vacuuming or starting dinner or whatever so H can have the dream job AND no domestic work is depressing. I don't want to do that.

He took a job with longer hours and you made him take on extra domestic work as a compromise? Wtf?