Would you be resentful if your partner worked only 3-4 hours a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people who go off to office desk jobs only work 3-4 hours a day, for real.

Sure, but presumably OP is at home, where she could actually get a lot done with those extra hours.

Except she worked hard to get herself this flexibility. Why does she have to turn it into drudgery? (Assuming that the house is clean and the meals are cooked and all that.)

I don’t think any of us know how hard she worked to get to this point, nor how hard her DH works every day. She’s in a partnership and she has more hours in the day in the location where common duties need to be performed. She should do more than 50% or use her higher salary to pay for what she doesn’t want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people who go off to office desk jobs only work 3-4 hours a day, for real.

Sure, but presumably OP is at home, where she could actually get a lot done with those extra hours.

Except she worked hard to get herself this flexibility. Why does she have to turn it into drudgery? (Assuming that the house is clean and the meals are cooked and all that.)

Because in a good partnership, you’re both working the same amount. Whether she uses her extra time to make more money or to take care of the house, each partner should devote the same number of hours towards mutual endeavors. To do otherwise is pretty selfish. This would be true whether it was a guy who thinks that because he makes more money, he’s entitled to not do any housework, or OP who thinks that because she makes more money she is entitled to five hours of “me time” every day.

If you love someone, you should want them to have a standard of living (including work life balance) that is as good as yours.

[Anonymous]

What if she hadnt built her business? What if our of necessity, she found a job where she could work 3/4 hrs a day?

Once I was a PhD candidate making effectively nothing working 60/70 hrs. My husband was in between projects on a consulting bench getting lunch and coffee and doing very little else.

An author or actress living off residuals has a very different work/life requirement than a teacher or middle-management level office worker. That person also took different levels of risk and had different periods when they did work hard.

Different life decisions lead to different outcomes. Jealousy doesn’t mean everyone should lead an equally miserable life. It means the miserable should look to improve their lot.

All that said OP it sounds from the fact that you’re hiding your work life that your husband would be jealous, resentful and dysfunctional. I would tell him the truth and encourage him to get to where you are in terms of life satisfaction. I would not take any blame for my own good decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

Do you all have kids or other responsibilities? Is your housekeeping outsourced? That would help with a response, that its very odd he has no idea? However if you feel guilty about it and he's busting his butt then you know the answer, you should be helping out regardless of gender.

[Anonymous]

So you're making mad stacks? No, who would care?

[Anonymous]

An unhealthy partnership is one where one partner is capable of earning a lot and another is jealous and keeps adding more work to the capable partner’s plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt her husband works full time and actually does 50% of the housework.

OP. Our general split is:

- I take kids to school and pick them up around 4pm.
- We swap cooking depending on who feels like cooking that night, it’s pretty 50/50
- I do bedtime routine while H cleans kitchen
- Household cleaning is split 50/50, one does upstairs one does downstairs.
- I do probably 60-75% of groceries/supplies (H will pick them up but I have to do the list)
- H does yardwork, sometimes I help

Typing this out I guess I already do 60% but H is very slow so by hours he does more. Like it will take him 90-120 minutes to make dinner and often an hour to clean the kitchen. So he’ll spend 3 hours on dinner total while I can cook and clean up in under an hour.

There are probably many many occasions during the day where you wipe the counters, do a couple of dishes, put thjngs away, that you're aren't even noting as work but that your husband would clock as an hour of cleaning the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An unhealthy partnership is one where one partner is capable of earning a lot and another is jealous and keeps adding more work to the capable partner’s plate.

yes, if my spouse was in this situation i wouldn't hoard the extra 50% and do nothing I would use that to make all of our lives easier if i am not going to chip in with house work. What a weird post sounds almost trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people who go off to office desk jobs only work 3-4 hours a day, for real.

Sure, but presumably OP is at home, where she could actually get a lot done with those extra hours.

Except she worked hard to get herself this flexibility. Why does she have to turn it into drudgery? (Assuming that the house is clean and the meals are cooked and all that.)

I don’t think any of us know how hard she worked to get to this point, nor how hard her DH works every day. She’s in a partnership and she has more hours in the day in the location where common duties need to be performed. She should do more than 50% or use her higher salary to pay for what she doesn’t want to do.

This. You're pretty selfish, OP. Is your DH entitled to that much less downtime than you?

[Anonymous]

Has your husband expressed dissatisfaction with this arrangement? I’m wondering why you felt compelled to start this thread.

[Anonymous]

So, he values hard worker and/or money?
He'd be upset if you could use the time to make even more money if money is important to him.

[Anonymous]

I am in a similar situation. I don't feel guilty about working less.

I can't stand living in a disorganized, unclean home, so I personally do a lot more of than 50% of the household stuff because I have the time to do it and it really matters to me. There is no way my house would be as clean as I wanted it if I only did the same amount of housework as my DH does.

I do waaaaaaay more childcare stuff than DH. My job is flexible because when we had kids we realized someone's had to be and I'm the one who did it. So a lot of that flexility is utilized to make our life with kids work.

Which is why I don't feel guilty about working less and never feel guilty about working out in the middle of the day or watching Netflix or just taking the afternoon to wander around Target or go read in a park. Today I have zero work to do, but the last few weeks have been super stressful with kids off school and snow days and finishing up a work project. So I'm going to do some light cleaning, take a nap, go to a coffee shop for a bit to read, and then make dinner. Zero guilt. I work hard and I earned this break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

How is this sustainable? I know it’s a slow season right now, but most small business owners I know are working their butts off in the early years. And even in the mid-years they still have a ton to do, albeit with more flexibility. Doing 0 work for 6 weeks, and 3 hours a day any other time is more like the schedule of a salaried government office drone.

I wouldn’t make it a “thing” about how much more money you make for doing so little actual work and hanging out at the gym during the day. Things could always change.

When your business slows down, do you pick that slack back up or keep DH on a strict 50/50?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to find the balance between hiding the truth from your DH and rubbing it in his face.

Many office workers can probably do their job efficiently in 4-5 hours, rather than 8, if they were good at what they were doing and not succumbing to distraction (like DCUM). We don't then go home and feel guilty about it. It's normalized.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you feel you need to lie and be sneaky is what sticks out to me.