Would you be resentful if your partner worked only 3-4 hours a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 years ago I started a business, and today have built it to where I make about 50% more than H working only 3-4 hours a day (sometimes less). Mostly I did this out of necessity, since H had zero flexibility with his job and I took on most childcare.

H doesn't really know how little I work. I've barely worked at all since early December. I don't want to take on more domestic work - right now it's split 50/50. I know if he saw that I work, then go spend the rest of the day at the gym or watching Netflix, he'd probably feel resentful at the amount of leisure time I have. And expect me to either do more domestic work or work more so we make more money. I don't want to do either.

Anyone in this situation? How do you handle it?

No one would be resentful that their partner is lucky enough to not have to slave full day for some corporation to make a living but they will resent that instead of sharing your good luck with family to make it easy for everyone by taking some chores off of your plate, you are being selfish. Wouldn't you feel it if you were in their shoes? Just be fair or be single.

+1
Are you in for yourself or for your family? OP is only in for herself and leaving her DH out to dry.

OP. So like, the entire reason I started this business is H wanted to take his dream job, which has long hours and he often has to leave the house by 6am or stay late. It also does not pay very well - not bad, but not great. I had the constraints that I needed to make up for the pay cut while also only working the hours of 9-3 because of kid schedules, I figured out a way to do that, and got so efficient that I really only have to work 9-12.

I agreed to this, but part of our agreement was also that he would take on extra domestic work since I was on-duty with kids basically 24/7. I get the kids ready in the morning and take them to school/daycare. I pick them up, including early release once a week. I handle the sick days and snow days.

He's not some poor guy chained to a desk, miserable. He has a job he loves.

The thought of having to spend those hours I don't need to work (12-3 or so) cleaning toilets or vacuuming or starting dinner or whatever so H can have the dream job AND no domestic work is depressing. I don't want to do that.

He took a job with longer hours and you made him take on extra domestic work as a compromise? Wtf?

I used to coach high school sports, and one of the guys I coached with had little kids, and he had this deal with his wife. She did a disproportionate amount of childcare, and he took on some of the household chores to make up for it.

Coaches are the worst. They’re married to their jobs but make nothing. Our friend’s husband is a D1 coach. He travels all over the world and wins trophies. She does all the kids and chores and works.

Yeah. It’s kind of a single person job. This is the kind of thing I imagine OP’s DH doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NOBODY wants to take on more domestic work or work a full day. We all would love to work 3 hours and then mess around. If I were married to you and found out that you were lying about your work hours—that would make me mad. The insistence that your spouse has to do 50/50 even though you’re barely working and they’re working full time makes you kind of crappy. That you’re outright lying?? That makes you a terrible person.

I am also self-employed. Some days I work 2 hours and some days I work 10 hours. My husband is completely aware of my flex schedule. I keep him in the loop because I really need his support on the days that I’m working more hours. It’s a partnership, he supports me and I support him. If he’s traveling, then I’ll take on all of the domestic work and he’ll pick it back up when he returns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOBODY wants to take on more domestic work or work a full day. We all would love to work 3 hours and then mess around. If I were married to you and found out that you were lying about your work hours—that would make me mad. The insistence that your spouse has to do 50/50 even though you’re barely working and they’re working full time makes you kind of crappy. That you’re outright lying?? That makes you a terrible person.

OP. I get this, but I also feel like, he’s welcome to leave his job and start something like I did. I’ve even offered to help him. He doesn’t want to.

Self-employment and/or starting your own business is not for everyone, and that is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:So many people who go off to office desk jobs only work 3-4 hours a day, for real.

Sure, but presumably OP is at home, where she could actually get a lot done with those extra hours.

Except she worked hard to get herself this flexibility. Why does she have to turn it into drudgery? (Assuming that the house is clean and the meals are cooked and all that.)

I make about 5 times what my wife does. I worked hard to get to this point. Sometimes, she's busier than I am. Are you suggesting that I sit on my ass while she's working if there's something that needs to be done for the house, or for our kid, if it exceeds my allotted 50% of work? That's insane.

There are two distinct threads here (at least):

- One scenario in which OP and her husband both have a pretty fair list of chores that they handle. And they handle them - the stuff is done. And neither of them is so busy that they are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Life feels normal. I don't see any reason that OP has to take on more than what she is doing in this scenario. She doesn't have to make busy during the hours that someone who is less smart, driven, and lucky than she is would ordinarily be at their 9-5, or 8-6, or whatever. She is allowed to enjoy the fruits of her labor - fruits she made for herself because her spouse needed her to be more flexible, due to his less flexible dream job.

- The other scenario is one in which OP's husband is super stressed, can't get his chores done, feels like there aren't enough hours in the day, yada yada. I haven't heard any indication that we are in this scenario. Except the one post where OP's husband didn't get around to the dishes - his chore - one night because he was on his phone, then got annoyed with OP for not having picked up his slack. If we are in this scenario, then yes it is worth revisiting their responsibilities. But like heck I am going to tell OP that she's a bad person for working hard to get herself this flexible, remunerative situation - and now she has to turn THIS into some drudgery hell because her husband wanted a regular 9-5 instead.

I am a new poster who lives like Option #1, and I think my husband and I are happy. He is aware that he is less efficient than me. He is the one that runs a business and has longer hours than my corporate job. Although I travel at least once a month and there are times I work 80 plus hours when I’m working on a deal. He isn’t begrudging when I’m slow and watching trash TV eating a leisurely lunch or going out for a quick pedicure. He knows I make a lot of money and hold the health insurance. I know I would never have gotten to this senior point in my career without all his support with kid stuff, etc when I was moving up the ranks and working all the time. I also make enough money that we outsource a lot of hard labor, but I manage those folks too (which is a pain). I’ve also never tried to “hide” how busy or not busy I am. But no, I’m not taking over the laundry (which he has done from the start of our marriage) because I’m having a slow week unless he says “hey I can’t get to it, would you mind?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt her husband works full time and actually does 50% of the housework.

OP. Our general split is:

- I take kids to school and pick them up around 4pm.
- We swap cooking depending on who feels like cooking that night, it’s pretty 50/50
- I do bedtime routine while H cleans kitchen
- Household cleaning is split 50/50, one does upstairs one does downstairs.
- I do probably 60-75% of groceries/supplies (H will pick them up but I have to do the list)
- H does yardwork, sometimes I help

Typing this out I guess I already do 60% but H is very slow so by hours he does more. Like it will take him 90-120 minutes to make dinner and often an hour to clean the kitchen. So he’ll spend 3 hours on dinner total while I can cook and clean up in under an hour.

There’s a book out there that says couples that keep score are doomed for divorce. You’re a scorekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt her husband works full time and actually does 50% of the housework.

OP. Our general split is:

- I take kids to school and pick them up around 4pm.
- We swap cooking depending on who feels like cooking that night, it’s pretty 50/50
- I do bedtime routine while H cleans kitchen
- Household cleaning is split 50/50, one does upstairs one does downstairs.
- I do probably 60-75% of groceries/supplies (H will pick them up but I have to do the list)
- H does yardwork, sometimes I help

Typing this out I guess I already do 60% but H is very slow so by hours he does more. Like it will take him 90-120 minutes to make dinner and often an hour to clean the kitchen. So he’ll spend 3 hours on dinner total while I can cook and clean up in under an hour.

There’s a book out there that says couples that keep score are doomed for divorce. You’re a scorekeeper.

She also writes like an airhead. Are MLM’s still a thing? Because I cannot imagine this bimbo running an actual “like” business…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what type of business do you run that allowed you to make income and you work only 3-4 hours a week.

That timeline rules out service/ hourly rate work. So I am guessing OF / e-commerce?

Definitely OF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP what type of business do you run that allowed you to make income and you work only 3-4 hours a week.

That timeline rules out service/ hourly rate work. So I am guessing OF / e-commerce?

OP. FB/IG ads. Funny people assume OF, it's actually insanely hard to make money that way.

I took a few courses on how to run ads, then did a couple businesses for free to build a portfolio. Now I negotiate a certain percentage of sales and only take on clients who have potential to make a lot of money.

It's super easy once you've done it a few times. Set the ads up, then monitor them every couple days.