Would you be resentful if your partner worked only 3-4 hours a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOBODY wants to take on more domestic work or work a full day. We all would love to work 3 hours and then mess around. If I were married to you and found out that you were lying about your work hours—that would make me mad. The insistence that your spouse has to do 50/50 even though you’re barely working and they’re working full time makes you kind of crappy. That you’re outright lying?? That makes you a terrible person.

OP. I get this, but I also feel like, he’s welcome to leave his job and start something like I did. I’ve even offered to help him. He doesn’t want to.

You've already said he doesn't have the personality or skills to be a part of your business. This could also translate to not having the skills to start his own business. Not everyone does. So, because he probably can't start his own business, he has to suffer in his own work/life balance while you are barely working. Just boggles my mind that you care so little about him. Actually, it doesn't surprise me. You clearly don't care that much about your spouse.

[Anonymous]

The person with fewer work hours should take on more household work.

[Anonymous]

I'd do a bit more of the house work or work a bit more and outsource some of the housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOBODY wants to take on more domestic work or work a full day. We all would love to work 3 hours and then mess around. If I were married to you and found out that you were lying about your work hours—that would make me mad. The insistence that your spouse has to do 50/50 even though you’re barely working and they’re working full time makes you kind of crappy. That you’re outright lying?? That makes you a terrible person.

OP. I get this, but I also feel like, he’s welcome to leave his job and start something like I did. I’ve even offered to help him. He doesn’t want to.

Assuming his job provides the health insurance? Stability? A new business is risky.

Also…back to why you’re lying to him and not offering to do 60/40 of the domestic work…you’re not in a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOBODY wants to take on more domestic work or work a full day. We all would love to work 3 hours and then mess around. If I were married to you and found out that you were lying about your work hours—that would make me mad. The insistence that your spouse has to do 50/50 even though you’re barely working and they’re working full time makes you kind of crappy. That you’re outright lying?? That makes you a terrible person.

I agree. First, I can’t imagine lying to my spouse. I value honesty, and I expect it from my partner.

I also work 60 or more hours a week, so my DH takes on more of the housework. (He works 35-40.) Because he lightens that load, we have more time together to maintain our family and our marriage. That’s balance and respect.

It's the lying for me .. Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the dream, OP. What sort of business? Any chance your husband could become part of it so you can grow the biz, and you could both have this schedule?

OP. We talked about making him a part of it, but TBH, I don’t think he’d be a good fit. I do want to hire someone eventually but he doesn’t have the skill set or personality I need.

Also, every woman I know who made their husband part of their business ended up divorced and losing it. So thinking of worst case scenario.

Yeah, that's smart - sounds like you're doing this right.

I guess if I were the person working the regular job while my spouse was making the same amount working much less, I'd probably resent some of it because I think that's just being human but also I'd be glad that they got this. It's not totally comparable, but my spouse is on a 4-day workweek and gets 2 weeks off at the holidays at his think tank - and he often has time to watch some TV during the day.

We both work from home - so that's nice - but I am on a regular five-day schedule, get very little vacation (and make half as much).

I don't resent him at all for having this more generous and flexible schedule - but it is making me try to figure out how I can get more of that for myself. I would say we split household stuff about 50/50 - but, like, we often schedule vet appointments for our pets on Fridays, since he has them off. If he decided he didn't want to do that, even though he had the flexibility to do it, I'd be a little upset.

This is all just a ramble. I don't think it's a terrible idea for you not to make a big deal to your spouse about how few hours you actually have to work.

[Anonymous]

Carry on.
Half the men I work with spend 10 hours here but only do 3-4 hours of work a day, so don't feel guilty

[Anonymous]

So many people who go off to office desk jobs only work 3-4 hours a day, for real.

[Anonymous]

I really doubt her husband works full time and actually does 50% of the housework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many people who go off to office desk jobs only work 3-4 hours a day, for real.

Sure, but presumably OP is at home, where she could actually get a lot done with those extra hours.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I generally do 50/50 but that's because we generally work about the same amount of time. When one of us is busier, the other one steps up more. So basically we each spend the same amount of hours combined between work and house/kids. If one us of is spending less time at work I'd think they'd spend more time on house/kids during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt her husband works full time and actually does 50% of the housework.

OP. Our general split is:

- I take kids to school and pick them up around 4pm.
- We swap cooking depending on who feels like cooking that night, it’s pretty 50/50
- I do bedtime routine while H cleans kitchen
- Household cleaning is split 50/50, one does upstairs one does downstairs.
- I do probably 60-75% of groceries/supplies (H will pick them up but I have to do the list)
- H does yardwork, sometimes I help

Typing this out I guess I already do 60% but H is very slow so by hours he does more. Like it will take him 90-120 minutes to make dinner and often an hour to clean the kitchen. So he’ll spend 3 hours on dinner total while I can cook and clean up in under an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not expect household work to be split 50/50 if one spouse is working/commuting 40-50 hours a week and one spouse is working/commuting 20 hours a week.

+1 I wouldn’t feel bad at all about how little you work, but I think you should be doing more than 50% of household and childcare stuff.

Our family has this schedule -- my husband works a typical job, I work about 3-4 hours a day. I'm the default childcare person for two elementary school kids and "household manager" (registering kids for various things, groceries, doctor, etc). We split cleaning. Seems fine. I do still have way more time to exercise and read. I think my lifestyle is great, and my husbands is tighter, but (hopefully!) there isn't resentment right now. I think being the default/flexible person for kid stuff is a huge help to the balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really doubt her husband works full time and actually does 50% of the housework.

OP. Our general split is:

- I take kids to school and pick them up around 4pm.
- We swap cooking depending on who feels like cooking that night, it’s pretty 50/50
- I do bedtime routine while H cleans kitchen
- Household cleaning is split 50/50, one does upstairs one does downstairs.
- I do probably 60-75% of groceries/supplies (H will pick them up but I have to do the list)
- H does yardwork, sometimes I help

Typing this out I guess I already do 60% but H is very slow so by hours he does more. Like it will take him 90-120 minutes to make dinner and often an hour to clean the kitchen. So he’ll spend 3 hours on dinner total while I can cook and clean up in under an hour.

This sounds fine to me! You seem like an efficient person, and you earned your leisure time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many people who go off to office desk jobs only work 3-4 hours a day, for real.

Sure, but presumably OP is at home, where she could actually get a lot done with those extra hours.

Except she worked hard to get herself this flexibility. Why does she have to turn it into drudgery? (Assuming that the house is clean and the meals are cooked and all that.)