I forgot my friend’s kid’s nut allergy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much for it takes a community to raise a child.

Parents of kids with allergies cannot win. If we remind you, we are neurotic, annoying helicopter parents. If we don't, we have failed our kids. Our kids have to always be vigilant, because adults cannot be relied upon.

I wonder how many of you non-allergy parents have made excuses for your 11 year olds forgetting things (blah blah blah, he's still a kid). It's an endless double standard.

I taught my kids a long time ago to check everything or skip when in doubt, because no adults, even well-known ones, can be relied on. Sad, but true.

Never have I ever called up and berated my friend for letting my kid forget a water bottle, hoody, or anything else. Keep imagining fake scenarios that make you into a victim. How do you get through the day, it's a mystery!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing, it would make my kid sad not to have any safe candy when everyone else around them had a treat. But the bigger realization would have been that the person I trusted had a lapse in judgement before they served the candy, then they could have had a lapse in judgment before they made the cake or ordered the pizza. To say “oh well I forgot, but it’s OK because I forgot in a way that didn’t happen to lead to a disaster” is still scary.

I think this is what it comes down to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The next day I got a nasty text from my friend, wondering why I had served candy with nuts when it was so upsetting to her son."

What exactly did the text say, OP? What you think is nasty and what actually is nasty may be two different things.

You can always tell a troll by the exaggeration. The text is "nasty" and it was "upsetting" to the son even though he noticed the peanut bar and didn't say a word but simply didn't eat it.

[Anonymous]

“Goofed”? You offered him a deadly food. You are lucky he didn’t eat it.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. Should OP apologize for her oversight in providing a mixed bag of candy that had selections with and without nuts?

Yes, she should, IMO. Susie, I'm so sorry that I had mixed candy with and without nuts at Larlo's movie night. I grabbed a bag of hershey's assorted candies and completely overlooked his nut allergy. Thanks for your understanding. Sally

She the boy's Mom handled things differently, yes too, IMO. A follow-up text of, I'm sorry, I forget to remind you that Larlo has a nut allergy and he mentioned that there were candies there with and without nuts. Please be mindful in the future. He is good about checking things, but can sometimes can be forgetful too.

Should they kid never come over again? IDK, that's his family's decision.

I'm someone who has a tree nut allergy. Luckily, my reaction to tree nuts was never anaphylactic. When I was younger, I got severe hives, swollen lips, and usually would also vomit. Never had breathing issues. As I got older, the vomiting went away, but would still get hives and feel crappy.

Now, I know immediately if I eat something with tree nuts and stop. Despite my best efforts, I've still had issues even asking if something has tree nuts it in it before eating - this is both with homemade things and restaurants and have learned that discretion is the better part of valor when there is any doubt and I don't eat it.

Equally, I've poisoned myself as well by jumping the gun and assuming that I am clear. Stupid is as stupid does.

Oddly enough, I am ok with brazil nuts and pistachios, but other nuts, forget about it. Peanuts too, but they are technically legumes!

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid with allergies and I can’t imagine this happening with an 11 year old.

Granted my kid is 5 but he’s had allergies since was an infant, but even he doesn’t get upset when he can’t eat something. Granted, at his age I always remind the parents every time and he knows to announce that he has allergies before he accepts any food from anyone. I just can’t imagine an 11 year not being able to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with allergies and I can’t imagine this happening with an 11 year old.

Granted my kid is 5 but he’s had allergies since was an infant, but even he doesn’t get upset when he can’t eat something. Granted, at his age I always remind the parents every time and he knows to announce that he has allergies before he accepts any food from anyone. I just can’t imagine an 11 year not being able to handle this.

Do you have any 11 year olds? This is a little bit like boasting that your 3 year old loves to sweep so you're sure her room will be perfectly clean when she's a teenager.

Keeping a 5 year old with food allergies safe is far easier than keeping an 11 year old. 5 year olds usually go places with their parents, so strategies like "ask your parent before you accept food from anyone" work well. They have one teacher in Kindergarten, as opposed to one for each subject, plus coaches and extracurricular leaders. 5 year olds are also at an age where compliance is at it's peak, unlike 11 when kids are starting to lose their minds due to upcoming puberty and are impulsive, easily embarrassed, and starving all the time.

The risk in the situation was low, but if OP truly forgot, then she just as easily could have forgotten in another situation, and ended up with hidden nuts. It's not hard to believe that the kid who was feeling safe and confident, realized this and ended up feeling scared, and that fear is what mom reported as upset. We had an incident in our family where an adult, who absolutely should have known better, gave a wrapped but not labeled candy with nuts to a nut allergic 12 year old. The child was upset, not because she cared about the candy but because she realized it was a close thing. Your 5 year old isn't developmentally able to put together what might have happened so they wouldn't have reacted the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop beating yourself up. This kid is a year away from middle school and probably goes trick or treating without any parents, or soon will. He’s a little old to go home and go crying to a parent over this. At 11, he needs to triple check everything before eating it. And yes, my kid has an allergy too.

Weird, we tell our kids to tell us if they’re uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean he’s “crying”. Near misses aren’t fun for anyone, I wouldn’t want my kid to feel they had to cover up for an adults screwup.

That’s where we disagree. At that age, I don’t think it’s an adult screw up and why I compared it to trick or treating. At a certain age a kid is going to be surrounded by food that could contain nuts and needs to check. People go to parties and there will be food with nuts. They will be at your work events and at social gatherings. The kid saw candy with nuts and didn’t eat any. He told his mom. It’s was fine. There was no need for a nasty text to the host. The kid isn’t 5. And again, I have a kid with an allergy and a nephew with nut allergy who’s had an reaction after eating nuts at a party. No one blamed the host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with allergies and I can’t imagine this happening with an 11 year old.

Granted my kid is 5 but he’s had allergies since was an infant, but even he doesn’t get upset when he can’t eat something. Granted, at his age I always remind the parents every time and he knows to announce that he has allergies before he accepts any food from anyone. I just can’t imagine an 11 year not being able to handle this.

Do you have any 11 year olds? This is a little bit like boasting that your 3 year old loves to sweep so you're sure her room will be perfectly clean when she's a teenager.

Keeping a 5 year old with food allergies safe is far easier than keeping an 11 year old. 5 year olds usually go places with their parents, so strategies like "ask your parent before you accept food from anyone" work well. They have one teacher in Kindergarten, as opposed to one for each subject, plus coaches and extracurricular leaders. 5 year olds are also at an age where compliance is at it's peak, unlike 11 when kids are starting to lose their minds due to upcoming puberty and are impulsive, easily embarrassed, and starving all the time.

The risk in the situation was low, but if OP truly forgot, then she just as easily could have forgotten in another situation, and ended up with hidden nuts. It's not hard to believe that the kid who was feeling safe and confident, realized this and ended up feeling scared, and that fear is what mom reported as upset. We had an incident in our family where an adult, who absolutely should have known better, gave a wrapped but not labeled candy with nuts to a nut allergic 12 year old. The child was upset, not because she cared about the candy but because she realized it was a close thing. Your 5 year old isn't developmentally able to put together what might have happened so they wouldn't have reacted the same way.

I don't have an allergy kid and even I know this isn't true. A preschool classmate of one of my kids was given a donut that touched nuts or had a trace or whatever and had a reaction at school. Lots of kids under 5 are in schools, daycares, or other care situations and not with their parents 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

I think it is less about the kids ability to know what to not eat and more about the OPs family being a safe place. Kids with allergies can feel left out a lot and was probably used to feeling included at OPs house. So the kid was probably just expressing his frustration.

OP- people make mistakes. You apologize and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

Good god. Please. The world is not responsible for kowtowing to the needs of every kid with an allergy. Really sick of this mentality. This 11 year old needs to toughen up and recognize that it is his job to navigate it. And whining to your helicopter mom is a sure fire way to find yourself uninvited to the next event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

Good god. Please. The world is not responsible for kowtowing to the needs of every kid with an allergy. Really sick of this mentality. This 11 year old needs to toughen up and recognize that it is his job to navigate it. And whining to your helicopter mom is a sure fire way to find yourself uninvited to the next event.

People are so cruel. This is a story of a 11 year old who was served an allergen at the home of a long time family friend.

The boy did nothing wrong. He didn’t eat the allergen and - because he is 11 - told him mother about it as I am sure he has been instructed to do.

The mother flipped out as one can easily imagine. Her kid had a scare at a place she thought was safe. If it was a family she didn’t know well, the content of your response (if not the delivery) might make some sense. But the issue here is she is mad at her friend and lashing out.

The OP made a genuine mistake. No problem. But failing to understand why her friend is upset, and then trying to shift the blame to a 11 year old boy and his mother is where she exposes herself as being unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people are missing the candy was in a bag mixed in with some candies with nuts and some without handed out WHILE the kids were watching a movie. That is an easy time for a kid to let their guard down. You are engrossed in a movie you eat a plain chocolate candy think the bag is all plain chocolate and absentmindedly grab another one and eat it not realizing it has nuts.

Agreed. And eleven year old should read labels and have their epi pen etc etc., but they are still very much a kid.
OP made a mistake in that it was a dicey situation that could have easily been avoided. Maybe the other mom could have handled it better, but the OP needs to stop making excuses for herself.

She. Apologized. But the other mother wants a pound of flesh. I'd be done with that mom and kid. Too much trouble, too much entitlement.

No. Read the OP. She “goofed”. Other mother called her on it in what she claims was a nasty txt. She apologized. Apparently it is all smoothed over. Other mom has moved on - no evidence of pound of flesh. But then she comes on here and explains how the mom was nasty, how she is a bit neurotic, etc.

So who is the drama queen exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This can’t be a true story when 11yos are involved. If true, your friend is way out of line. There are nuts in the world and an 11 yo is old enough to navigate that.

OP here. It is true, but not difficult to understand if you know my friend. She’s very much a helicopter parent and there’s a lot of codependence and micromanaging. Still, she trusted me enough to remember something important, and I blew it.

Gee, do you think she’s micromanaging and helicopter-y because a lot of adults like you have “blown it” and act like it’s a “goof”?

Did helicopter mom tell OP that her house must be entirely nut free in order for her son to be there? That's an impossible standard for a house that isn't already nut free.

That’s not what it’s about. It’s very hard on a kid when a trusted adult or a grandparent/aunt/whomever—who has known about the allergy for years—“goofs.” It makes them feel unsafe with someone they are supposed to trust.

Good god. Please. The world is not responsible for kowtowing to the needs of every kid with an allergy. Really sick of this mentality. This 11 year old needs to toughen up and recognize that it is his job to navigate it. And whining to your helicopter mom is a sure fire way to find yourself uninvited to the next event.

People are so cruel. This is a story of a 11 year old who was served an allergen at the home of a long time family friend.

The boy did nothing wrong. He didn’t eat the allergen and - because he is 11 - told him mother about it as I am sure he has been instructed to do.

The mother flipped out as one can easily imagine. Her kid had a scare at a place she thought was safe. If it was a family she didn’t know well, the content of your response (if not the delivery) might make some sense. But the issue here is she is mad at her friend and lashing out.

The OP made a genuine mistake. No problem. But failing to understand why her friend is upset, and then trying to shift the blame to a 11 year old boy and his mother is where she exposes herself as being unkind.

Yes to this post.

[Anonymous]

These nut allergy kids need to stay home. It's thats simple