My husband doesn't want kids

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

🙄

She doesn’t have to stick to that timeline. And 38 is fine even if she does stick to your ridiculous timeline.

That's irresponsible and selfish. Think about the risks you'd be subjecting the child to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Devil’s advocate: why not have a kid, since he is willing, and see how it goes?

He might do a 180 and fall in love when the kid is born. I did that (as a woman). I was ambivalent before and planned one mostly because due to social convention.

Or if he’s terrible, well at least you’ll get custody and some spousal support, which is better than doing it alone.

Do not do this. OP will be doing 100% of the work and the husband will do nothing and say "I told you I would have a kid but not be invested." It will ultimately hurt the child. Do not do this to your kid!

[Anonymous]

Get an annulment. My dear friend got married at 41 and had twins via IVF at 44/45. Yes it is risky and she lives in another country that funded it, but she is glad she waited. You're only 31!!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

It's 6 months without kids in VA (and DC I believe).

Why can't she start dating as soon as she tells him it's over? Obviously be open with the people you're dating that the divorce isn't final yet but no one will care.

On what planet does it take 3 years to find someone?!? Maybe for you...

I got divorced at 30 (no kids, my choice). Met my now husband a year later at 31. We dated for almost 2 years and eloped at 33 (we are almost exactly the same age, he had also been married before, no kids). After one year I got pregnant immediately (no assistance) with twins, and had them right before I turned 35. 15 years later here we are, very happy.

When I got divorced at 30 I was willing to be single and childless for the rest of my life rather than stay married to my ex. He wasn't abusive or an alcoholic or anything like that but we had met young and were very incompatible in terms of long-term life goals.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

I was VERY picky when dating after my divorce (I had no kids from my first marriage and didn't want someone else with kids and I had a long list of requirements). I went on tons of dates, some only lasted one and I knew they weren't a match, others I dated for a while, but I was never desperate and did not have a hard time finding a unicorn. Maybe it's a question of what you have to offer? But I only know two people from my entire life who are still single in their 40s and both of them are incredibly high maintenance and difficult to deal with and have standards that aren't high (mine were high!) but are impossible to meet (i.e. as soon as there is any disagreement or anything they are done, have no skills to consider another person's feelings, etc.). Everyone else I know is married, and only a few have been divorced. Maybe it's the circle of people I've known since I was a kid, but it's not that hard to find someone is it?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

That’s life. There are few guarantees. There is nothing to prevent OP from trying.

That's right. She could try, but things could end up worse.

Worse how?

What might happen that won’t happen if she remains in her present situation? She might not find a partner that wants a child? That’s her present situation.

Define worse.

She could end up alone.

Being alone doesn't sound worse than being married to someone who doesn't want your child.

I mean, look at all the threads on here about people whining about how their spouses do nothing, and they theoretically wanted kids. Many of them say they wished their spouse would just die. So again, being alone is what they're looking for.

Maybe it's just that you think having kids is the only thing anyone is ever meant to do so you put that above all else. I love my kids and I'm so happy we had them but I could also have a rich and fulfilling life without them, as many of my friends do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your husband? If so then you owe it to yourself to at least explore the impasse in marriage counseling. My husband wasn’t sure he wanted kids when I told him I did. But once I became pregnant he was extremely supportive and has been an amazing father.

You didn't have that conversation until after you were married?!?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Do you love him? You can be happy childfree.

Does he love her? Love is not lying about your intentions to manipulate a person.

+1

It’s not that you can’t be happy without kids. It’s staying married to a spouse who you know will lie to you, even about very important things, to get his way. If I were OP I’d spend the rest of the marriage wondering what else is lying about, or will lie about, down the line. Not to mention he clearly doesn’t care about her feelings.

The way I see it, OP wants kids. She isn’t going to get them in this marriage (at least not in any healthy way without having to lie about BC or persuade him into fatherhood which can lead to resentment). So the whole happy marriage + kids thing is dead at this point. She can either stay in it or try to find someone else.

Is it a gamble? Of course. She could divorce and not get remarried in time for kids, or not be able to have kids, or fall in love with someone who openly doesn’t want them, or decide to become a SMBC and not get married. But at least however her life plays out it won’t be built on someone’s lying.

At 31 she is way too young to spend the next 5 decades of her life with someone who would betray her like this.

[Anonymous]

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1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You don’t need this much time to meet someone or decide to marry when you’re older. Met dh in the fall of 2007; married early summer 2009; kids late 2009 and 2012.

Not everyone wants a shotgun wedding...

Not PP but that isn't a shotgun wedding at all.

Also, dating in your 30s is easier because people are already settled - there is no trying to figure out where everyone is going to land after college/first jobs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Total deal breaker. I’m sorry OP. I would consider getting pregnant ASAP then leave him. Better a single mom with child support.

This sounds horrible! He told her he doesn't want kids so make him an involuntary dad and collect child support?

DP, but he was willing to lie so I don’t think he necessarily deserves any better treatment.

The only reason I would advise against this is because the innocent child who would be caught in the middle of this mess. The potential baby deserves better, not the lying DH.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no one has focused on OPS language: “I couldn’t have been clearer and he agreed.” Note that she doesn’t say “and he said he wanted them too.“

Not so sure he “changed his mind.”

Who gives a shit? She’s 31 and can still have kids elsewhere!!! Run OP!!

I am not saying she should or shouldn’t. What I am saying is that it’s not necessarily fair to blame the guy. It sounds like OP went into the marriage with a lot of wishful thinking.

Who cares about blame. She is on the tail end of fertility and he is playing games and wasting her time.

But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

Huh? 31 is not the tail end of fertility. She has plenty of time, and suggesting she stay and actively have children with someone who specifically said they didn't want them is NOT a good plan.

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

🙄

She doesn’t have to stick to that timeline. And 38 is fine even if she does stick to your ridiculous timeline.

+1

No one is waiting years to get married and have kids once you hit your 30s. And you can have a happy family in a much shorter time.

I met my DH when I had just turned 27 and he was 33. We both knew we wanted multiple kids and had dated around enough to know we felt serious about each other early on.

So for me it was engaged at 28, married at 29, first baby at 30. I then had 2 more with the last being born when I was 38.

If OP is early enough in her marriage she can maybe even get an annulment. At the very least a no contest divorce without kids can be complete within 6 months in VA.

In the meantime she takes a little time for herself (therapy maybe, yoga, gets herself in peak shape). Hits the dating market 6 months from now and if she dates guys who are at least ~34/35 she will probably find ones who want to settle down. Let’s say she is engaged by 33, married at 34, has a couple kids at 35 and 37. Totally doable.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that this marriage is best shut down but have another take...

Maybe your DH is using the "I don't want kids" as an excuse to get out of the marriage since he knows it is a deal-breaker for you.

He wants out of the marriage for some reason - maybe he just doesn't like being married in general, maybe he met someone else, maybe he has decided he doesn't like being married to you for some other personal reason, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

So he's saying he doesn't want kids. As others have mentioned, guys like this often move on to another relationship and bam - they have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote: But because she's on the tail end of fertility, she needs to accept the real possibility that she won't have a child if she leaves him either.

It is selfish to even consider knowingly bringing a child into a family where the father does not want them.

I didn't say she should. She'll may need to decide between keeping her current partner and being alone forever.

What’s preventing her from finding a new partner? She may not be able to become pregnant but that’s another matter.

There's no guarantee she'll find someone knew or have a child.

That’s life. There are few guarantees. There is nothing to prevent OP from trying.

That's right. She could try, but things could end up worse.

Worse how?

What might happen that won’t happen if she remains in her present situation? She might not find a partner that wants a child? That’s her present situation.

Define worse.

She could end up alone.

Being alone doesn't sound worse than being married to someone who doesn't want your child.

I mean, look at all the threads on here about people whining about how their spouses do nothing, and they theoretically wanted kids. Many of them say they wished their spouse would just die. So again, being alone is what they're looking for.

Maybe it's just that you think having kids is the only thing anyone is ever meant to do so you put that above all else. I love my kids and I'm so happy we had them but I could also have a rich and fulfilling life without them, as many of my friends do.

dp

There has to be a connection between deciding to marry someone you've known for only about year (a very common timeline here) and having a spouse that ends up not contributing or not wanting the family (a very common complaint here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that this marriage is best shut down but have another take...

Maybe your DH is using the "I don't want kids" as an excuse to get out of the marriage since he knows it is a deal-breaker for you.

He wants out of the marriage for some reason - maybe he just doesn't like being married in general, maybe he met someone else, maybe he has decided he doesn't like being married to you for some other personal reason, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

So he's saying he doesn't want kids. As others have mentioned, guys like this often move on to another relationship and bam - they have kids.

I don't think so. He told OP he still would but isn't really onboard. If I were OP I would have the kids. You'll regret a husband or ex husband but almost never your kids. She could marry the next guy and get divorced. You only have a finite time to have kids when you're a woman.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

1 year divorce, 3 years to find someone, 1 year to get married, 2 years of marriage before having kids.

That's 37 years. Kids at 38 years old is how you end up with kids with ASD or Downs.

You don’t need this much time to meet someone or decide to marry when you’re older. Met dh in the fall of 2007; married early summer 2009; kids late 2009 and 2012.

Not everyone wants a shotgun wedding...

Not PP but that isn't a shotgun wedding at all.

Also, dating in your 30s is easier because people are already settled - there is no trying to figure out where everyone is going to land after college/first jobs, etc.

If they got married in summer 2009 and had kids fall 2009, yes, that qualifies as a shotgun wedding.