My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

Some of you need manners and boundaries.

+1. No reason to be rude to the person who married in. Period.

This is really small potatoes. Even in the OP, she said her MIL said it "half jokingly." Considering this woman is coming over to babysit and OP reported no other bad behavior, maybe you all should consider whether you are making a mountain out of molehill.

The main issue in this thread is people saying it was a completely fine comment, and even justified based on whatever imagined scenario about op and her financial situation.

[Anonymous]

So MIL is your go to babysitter or your husband never talks to her?

Which is it?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - she will probably never say anything like this to you again after you made your feelings known. If she does, have a response ready. For several years, my MIL said things like "I would have been bored out of my mind staying at home like you," and "I always worked because I liked having my own money," and "I tried staying at home and I hated it" and "shouldn't you go back to work, you probably don't even have enough quarters for social security."

All this and she knew her son worked until 10:30 every night and on weekends (he's an attorney).

Finally after one of her comments, I said, "I've never been bored a day in my life, but I guess maybe you were bored because there wasn't as much to do in your day and you really did feel stuck at home unless you were working. I have plenty to do and love being here for my kids and spending time with them." That shut her up - she's never brought it up again.

But just get used to these comments in general. I've had women make all kinds of weird, inappropriate comments about being a SAHM. At this point, I just think to myself "I don't care - have fun working."

While I agree with you and the many other posters who counciled op to let this go and not care. It's really hard to simply do that when you do care. I've been there and it was a struggle! I cared about the opinions of everyone until a light switch went off and I didn't.

I had to go through a lot of angst first and it sucked. Op, try to take your mind off it in as many ways as possible and know it's perfectly fine to distill your definition of your MIL as she has of you. Her contempt is beneath you, be better than that. Don't get bogged down into her black and white definition of life choices. It's even ok to judge her myopic takes right back.

Really important point. I wonder how you got to not caring.

I had to experience a living nightmare and get over it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - she will probably never say anything like this to you again after you made your feelings known. If she does, have a response ready. For several years, my MIL said things like "I would have been bored out of my mind staying at home like you," and "I always worked because I liked having my own money," and "I tried staying at home and I hated it" and "shouldn't you go back to work, you probably don't even have enough quarters for social security."

All this and she knew her son worked until 10:30 every night and on weekends (he's an attorney).

Finally after one of her comments, I said, "I've never been bored a day in my life, but I guess maybe you were bored because there wasn't as much to do in your day and you really did feel stuck at home unless you were working. I have plenty to do and love being here for my kids and spending time with them." That shut her up - she's never brought it up again.

But just get used to these comments in general. I've had women make all kinds of weird, inappropriate comments about being a SAHM. At this point, I just think to myself "I don't care - have fun working."

While I agree with you and the many other posters who counciled op to let this go and not care. It's really hard to simply do that when you do care. I've been there and it was a struggle! I cared about the opinions of everyone until a light switch went off and I didn't.

I had to go through a lot of angst first and it sucked. Op, try to take your mind off it in as many ways as possible and know it's perfectly fine to distill your definition of your MIL as she has of you. Her contempt is beneath you, be better than that. Don't get bogged down into her black and white definition of life choices. It's even ok to judge her myopic takes right back.

Really important point. I wonder how you got to not caring.

Why would you care? Do you think you are a X (fill in the blank)... If you don't think you are X then you won't care.

go back to the "duck" comment. Would you care if someone called you a duck. No, you'd laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why you care so much about her comment. You can’t control how she views your choices. You make up your own mind about how to live your life.

Is it possible that the reason this has upset you so much is that part of you sees some truth in what she said? If not, it should just be as water off a duck’s back.

This. And maybe she thinks her son should deserve some “well-needed time off.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

The spicy sock puppeting and repeat trolling is *the* winning formula here in DCUM troll posts.

[Anonymous]

Call her a scrotum sac right back.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

Don’t listen to these fools, OP. DCUM is not known to attract those with social acumen (or human emotions).

I wouldn’t have written in the email. Instead I would have given some flippant reply about stringing along my unemployment until DH’s inheritance comes through, so she’d better keep working and saving because I have champagne taste, or something along those lines.

At least some of us can read. MIL is retired.

Oh, well in that case she should get her own a$$ back to work and stop being such a layabout. See how easy that was? Doesn’t change the overall point of the reply, ya dummy.

But thanks for proving my point that most on DCUM are idiots with zero social skills! (Yes, I am including you with your stupid “gotcha!” moment.)

You think reading the OP is a "gotcha"? Do you know how forums work?

You are clearly a lawyer with zero social skills. In *normal* conversations humans determine the “point” other humans are getting at and go from there. They don’t quibble over a single word choice (particularly if this word choice is irrelevant to “the point”) and then try to change the argument to center on said word choice.

So once again, I think you are a complete idiot (albeit with excellent ability to read and recall words, but subpar comprehension) and the fact that you are dwelling on this proves it.

Agree.
But ODD people like to get sidetracked on tone and diction, instead of staying on topic or answering the question at hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL died a decade ago and now I remember why she was so lovable… she just never said shit like this, ever. She didn’t view me as competition, she wanted me to be happy. Whether I worked or studied or stayed home she was 100% my #1 fan. I try to take notes and memorize what she was like for my future DIL.

I love this. Good on you for having such a wonderful MIL example, truly.

My MIL too. Bless her. We are from different races and cultures, but she has always been very kind and understanding. There are other ways in which she’s not perfect, but neither am I, so…

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

[Anonymous]

Ok then.

Let’s pretend MIL (concerned you are a sad sack) said: how are you feeling nowadays and how do you fill your time?!?

What would you have responded with Op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A "sad sack" sounds like you've been wallowing and complaining. Not just sitting around.

Have you been?

Get a routine, some goals, a rough plan towards achieving them. Spring is a great time for that every year. And keep enjoying your kids. Don't worry about MIL or her comment. She'll hopefully call you and apologize; she's probably more concerned about mental health than income or your resume.

Humans need routine and goals.

To me, "sad sack" sounds like MIL is an insufferable byotch.

+1. I am familiar with the term having grown up with Silent and Greatest Generation parents who used it to describe someone who was depressed, negative, moping around. That doesn’t sound like you at all. I’d bet money she was envious of your situation. Ignore her catty remarks in the future.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Wow, I just said something similar to my teenagers. If you know a description doesn't fit you, you think something is wrong with the other person's perception. But you are not sure, that's when start perservating.

So by this “logic,” what you two are saying is that no strong, beautiful Black woman should ever feel insulted if someone screams the N-word at her. Because after all, that word can only hurt her if that’s the way she feels about herself?

No gay couple should be hurt if someone screeches the “f-word” at them? They would only feel insulted or attacked if they secretly loathe themselves or each other for being gay?

That’s your logic? Really?

That's like saying I said, if your boyfriend said he's gonna kill you just ignore it, that is not what was said. Word of violence are different.

It's actually sad that you can't differentiate a rude comment from a violent comment.

Did OP think her MIL was being violent towards her?

You clearly don’t know the difference between what is LEGALLY DEFINED as distasteful speech vs. hate speech vs. threats. I doubt you are intelligent or self-aware enough to do the research you would need to do to understand those three things, so this is where I leave you.

Sit down Karen, You compared f*g and N-word to "sad sack".

No I didn’t, dear. The “logic” on the table was that the only way anyone can ever be insulted by anything is if they secretly believe it about themselves. “Logic” fail. Try harder.

You were wrong, you can't admit it. There is nothing logical about your hyperbole in this situation. Google why you should never use a hyperbole in a debate... educate yourself.

True or false: no one should ever be insulted by anything, and if they are, it shows that they overtly or secretly think that thing to be true about themselves? True or false. You can only pick one, so pick.

True, if you feel insulted you secretly think it to be true. That is 110% true.

True or false: Everybody in your life has to be perfect every minute of every day because you are so thin skinned one comment in 20 years can send you in a tail spin and therefore, nobody should ever, ever, ever say anything rude.

You can only pick one, so pick.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP she is probably just jealous she has to work until her death because no one would take care of her. It's pure jealousy. Call her out on it.

Why do people always call other women jealous to make themselves feel better? OPs DH said that drive and ambition are important to her and she's retired so she's obv not "working until her death".

I don't agree with her comment, but its quite an old sexist trope to accuse every woman who says something contrary of being jealous.

NP. She may not be jealous, but she is insecure: secure people do not try to belittle others. They are simply too busy enjoying their own life and minding their own business. Only insecurity or jealousy motivates people to be unkind to someone they ALLEGEDLY love and/or have close ties to.

Nah, I don't think the MIL is insecure. She doesn't likes OP and views her as a burden on her son. There are some type A personalities who are driven by adrenaline and look down at people not having a career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

Whether you ARE a sadsack or not is irrelevant. She should have kept her big mouth shut. Period.

I'd have told her to go F herself.