My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Sure, but it doesn't mean you should want rude, nasty people around you spouting nonsense.

I didn't say you should surround yourself with people who are nasty, but just like middle school kids you can't always control your surroundings. You can control your reaction to your surroundings.

Who actually expects to receive a ton of support from their MIL anyway? A supportive MIL is a unicorn, they are from a different generation, grew up in a different culture and have different life experiences.

I don't have a supportive mil, but I also don't have one who insults me to my face. If she did I would not want her around. You can actually control your surroundings to some extent: you would not stay at a job with a boss who is demeaning, stay friends with someone who tries and puts you down...

Op's MIL said 1 mean thing, once in her whole relationship. but go ahead and be a drama queen about MIL being akin to an abusive boss.

I said demeaning, not abusive. OP is the one who knows if there is a pattern or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

Some of you need manners and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is a sadsack for calling you one. I know it's hard because it's your DH's mom, but you really have to get to a point to stop caring what she thinks. Or what anyone thinks. I think you handled it well. You addressed it with her. Then drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a work vs not work thing.

It sounds like you are a 'sad sack'. Are you? Are you sad? Are you struggling with your new life?

I think you are, because if you are not, the comment would not bother you.

My mother use to say, if somebody calls you a duck do you think "am i a duck" no... because you know you are not.

If somebody says "you're fat, or ugly, or stupid" and you get upset, it's because you think it about yourself.

Or maybe because it's incredibly rude to insult people that way? Do you actually call family members ugly and fat?

No. But my aunt told me I could use some plastic surgery, she did it and healing was fast. I laughed out loud. My H's eye's popped out of his head. But I never felt hurt becuase... i don't need plastic surgery.

Nobody can hurt you without your permission.

Sure, but it doesn't mean you should want rude, nasty people around you spouting nonsense.

I didn't say you should surround yourself with people who are nasty, but just like middle school kids you can't always control your surroundings. You can control your reaction to your surroundings.

Who actually expects to receive a ton of support from their MIL anyway? A supportive MIL is a unicorn, they are from a different generation, grew up in a different culture and have different life experiences.

I don't have a supportive mil, but I also don't have one who insults me to my face. If she did I would not want her around. You can actually control your surroundings to some extent: you would not stay at a job with a boss who is demeaning, stay friends with someone who tries and puts you down...

Op's MIL said 1 mean thing, once in her whole relationship. but go ahead and be a drama queen about MIL being akin to an abusive boss.

I said demeaning, not abusive. OP is the one who knows if there is a pattern or not.

If you've never had a coach, coworker, boss who was demeaning at some point in time consider yourself very lucky.

Why would OP leave out that this is a usual thing, she wouldn't.

You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

Some of you need manners and boundaries.

+1. No reason to be rude to the person who married in. Period.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

If she's funding part of it it could certainly be.

NP. Wow, reach much? Show me where in the OP that MIL funds any part of their life. Should we assume that because that is your knee-jerk response that Mommy and Daddy or MIL/FIL subsidize your life? Some of us are grown, independent adults who pay for our own houses, vehicles, schools, etc. Just so you know.

NP. it's a good angle. Maybe the In laws gifted the down payment or 529s or vacations or trusts. We don't know either way.

Was there a “keep working” clause on those gifts?

With some people it is assumed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

Don’t listen to these fools, OP. DCUM is not known to attract those with social acumen (or human emotions).

I wouldn’t have written in the email. Instead I would have given some flippant reply about stringing along my unemployment until DH’s inheritance comes through, so she’d better keep working and saving because I have champagne taste, or something along those lines.

At least some of us can read. MIL is retired.

Oh, well in that case she should get her own a$$ back to work and stop being such a layabout. See how easy that was? Doesn’t change the overall point of the reply, ya dummy.

But thanks for proving my point that most on DCUM are idiots with zero social skills! (Yes, I am including you with your stupid “gotcha!” moment.)

You think reading the OP is a "gotcha"? Do you know how forums work?

You are clearly a lawyer with zero social skills. In *normal* conversations humans determine the “point” other humans are getting at and go from there. They don’t quibble over a single word choice (particularly if this word choice is irrelevant to “the point”) and then try to change the argument to center on said word choice.

So once again, I think you are a complete idiot (albeit with excellent ability to read and recall words, but subpar comprehension) and the fact that you are dwelling on this proves it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - she will probably never say anything like this to you again after you made your feelings known. If she does, have a response ready. For several years, my MIL said things like "I would have been bored out of my mind staying at home like you," and "I always worked because I liked having my own money," and "I tried staying at home and I hated it" and "shouldn't you go back to work, you probably don't even have enough quarters for social security."

All this and she knew her son worked until 10:30 every night and on weekends (he's an attorney).

Finally after one of her comments, I said, "I've never been bored a day in my life, but I guess maybe you were bored because there wasn't as much to do in your day and you really did feel stuck at home unless you were working. I have plenty to do and love being here for my kids and spending time with them." That shut her up - she's never brought it up again.

But just get used to these comments in general. I've had women make all kinds of weird, inappropriate comments about being a SAHM. At this point, I just think to myself "I don't care - have fun working."

While I agree with you and the many other posters who counciled op to let this go and not care. It's really hard to simply do that when you do care. I've been there and it was a struggle! I cared about the opinions of everyone until a light switch went off and I didn't.

I had to go through a lot of angst first and it sucked. Op, try to take your mind off it in as many ways as possible and know it's perfectly fine to distill your definition of your MIL as she has of you. Her contempt is beneath you, be better than that. Don't get bogged down into her black and white definition of life choices. It's even ok to judge her myopic takes right back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

Don’t listen to these fools, OP. DCUM is not known to attract those with social acumen (or human emotions).

I wouldn’t have written in the email. Instead I would have given some flippant reply about stringing along my unemployment until DH’s inheritance comes through, so she’d better keep working and saving because I have champagne taste, or something along those lines.

At least some of us can read. MIL is retired.

Oh, well in that case she should get her own a$$ back to work and stop being such a layabout. See how easy that was? Doesn’t change the overall point of the reply, ya dummy.

But thanks for proving my point that most on DCUM are idiots with zero social skills! (Yes, I am including you with your stupid “gotcha!” moment.)

You think reading the OP is a "gotcha"? Do you know how forums work?

You are clearly a lawyer with zero social skills. In *normal* conversations humans determine the “point” other humans are getting at and go from there. They don’t quibble over a single word choice (particularly if this word choice is irrelevant to “the point”) and then try to change the argument to center on said word choice.

So once again, I think you are a complete idiot (albeit with excellent ability to read and recall words, but subpar comprehension) and the fact that you are dwelling on this proves it.

Gosh, its written down, you dont have to "recall" very much at all. Sad that's so difficult for you.

You are the one quibbling. Instead of just admitting whoops, misread, my comment is irrelevant, you keep pushing to try and make a point. If you're not going to read the OP and still comment that's fine, but dont get upset when people correct you when it's written in black and white. It's not a "gotcha" to read the OP and comment accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

Some of you need manners and boundaries.

+1. No reason to be rude to the person who married in. Period.

This is really small potatoes. Even in the OP, she said her MIL said it "half jokingly." Considering this woman is coming over to babysit and OP reported no other bad behavior, maybe you all should consider whether you are making a mountain out of molehill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

Some of you need manners and boundaries.

+1. No reason to be rude to the person who married in. Period.

This is really small potatoes. Even in the OP, she said her MIL said it "half jokingly." Considering this woman is coming over to babysit and OP reported no other bad behavior, maybe you all should consider whether you are making a mountain out of molehill.

And if OP is so secure and confident in her decision, this one "jokey" comment shouldnt be no thang.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - she will probably never say anything like this to you again after you made your feelings known. If she does, have a response ready. For several years, my MIL said things like "I would have been bored out of my mind staying at home like you," and "I always worked because I liked having my own money," and "I tried staying at home and I hated it" and "shouldn't you go back to work, you probably don't even have enough quarters for social security."

All this and she knew her son worked until 10:30 every night and on weekends (he's an attorney).

Finally after one of her comments, I said, "I've never been bored a day in my life, but I guess maybe you were bored because there wasn't as much to do in your day and you really did feel stuck at home unless you were working. I have plenty to do and love being here for my kids and spending time with them." That shut her up - she's never brought it up again.

But just get used to these comments in general. I've had women make all kinds of weird, inappropriate comments about being a SAHM. At this point, I just think to myself "I don't care - have fun working."

While I agree with you and the many other posters who counciled op to let this go and not care. It's really hard to simply do that when you do care. I've been there and it was a struggle! I cared about the opinions of everyone until a light switch went off and I didn't.

I had to go through a lot of angst first and it sucked. Op, try to take your mind off it in as many ways as possible and know it's perfectly fine to distill your definition of your MIL as she has of you. Her contempt is beneath you, be better than that. Don't get bogged down into her black and white definition of life choices. It's even ok to judge her myopic takes right back.

Really important point. I wonder how you got to not caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

Do you? Why did you get so defensive then? Why did you stew over it and send an email much later? Why are you still "fuming"?
If you felt secure this would be water off a ducks back. Sorry but your reaction and the way you phrase your OP say otherwise.

Don’t listen to these fools, OP. DCUM is not known to attract those with social acumen (or human emotions).

I wouldn’t have written in the email. Instead I would have given some flippant reply about stringing along my unemployment until DH’s inheritance comes through, so she’d better keep working and saving because I have champagne taste, or something along those lines.

At least some of us can read. MIL is retired.

Oh, well in that case she should get her own a$$ back to work and stop being such a layabout. See how easy that was? Doesn’t change the overall point of the reply, ya dummy.

But thanks for proving my point that most on DCUM are idiots with zero social skills! (Yes, I am including you with your stupid “gotcha!” moment.)

You think reading the OP is a "gotcha"? Do you know how forums work?

You are clearly a lawyer with zero social skills. In *normal* conversations humans determine the “point” other humans are getting at and go from there. They don’t quibble over a single word choice (particularly if this word choice is irrelevant to “the point”) and then try to change the argument to center on said word choice.

So once again, I think you are a complete idiot (albeit with excellent ability to read and recall words, but subpar comprehension) and the fact that you are dwelling on this proves it.

Sorry, what was your point again?

"I wouldn’t have written in the email. Instead I would have given some flippant reply about stringing along my unemployment until DH’s inheritance comes through, so she’d better keep working and saving because I have champagne taste, or something along those lines."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 pages of handwringing over the word "sad sack." Some of you need thicker skins.

+1