Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

There are 364 other days to recreate the family magic. How about a family get together in the Spring? Even your devout mother must understand that Easter is the major Christian holiday?

+100

Religion is not at all the driving factor in this and any devout Christian could tell you that. LOL.

OP- as the family continues to expand, you will have better luck getting everyone together at other times of year. Christmas is very busy and most have many competing family obligations during this time, as you well know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

Same poster. My family is actually pretty religious. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. We will still be flying back from London for Easter in 2024. We are prioritizing my husband singing in the Easter cantata, which is the weekend before Easter and when I’ve told my ILs I’m happy to host. The reality is that kids have limited breaks from school. This isn’t about “who is the best Christian.” And really, the multiple families could prioritize getting together some other time when it is easier to travel. Life will go on.

I don’t know why you (and others?) assumed they spend Easter with my mother. They don’t. They spend Easter with SIL’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

+1

As the Italians say “Natale con i tuoi, Pasqua con chi vuoi." (Christmas with yours; Easter with whomever you want).

Op is not Italian so who cares what Italians do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

Yes, yes, and we travel the furthest with kids. About four hours by car to the hub region our mom and two siblings reside in. A fourth sibling married with no children flies in from Seattle. Fourth sibling sometimes stays with us.

Why did you choose to live so far away from family? Don't you value it?

+1

And when do you celebrate with ILs? When does Seattle sibling celebrate with ILs? How many brothers do you have?

+1
I’m glad someone is sticking up for the ILs who are just as elderly as OP’s mom and would also love to see their grandkids on 12/25.

SIL’s family has never missed a Christmas Day with their kids. And this year both Day and Eve. Plus Easter, if we’re keeping tabs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

If anyone in my family or my husband’s family that our plans for our own, nuclear family “wouldn’t fly,” we would laugh in their face.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

Same poster. My family is actually pretty religious. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays. We will still be flying back from London for Easter in 2024. We are prioritizing my husband singing in the Easter cantata, which is the weekend before Easter and when I’ve told my ILs I’m happy to host. The reality is that kids have limited breaks from school. This isn’t about “who is the best Christian.” And really, the multiple families could prioritize getting together some other time when it is easier to travel. Life will go on.

I don’t know why you (and others?) assumed they spend Easter with my mother. They don’t. They spend Easter with SIL’s family.

No one assumed that. We pushed back at your assertion that their choice to spend Christmas elsewhere was somehow an insult to your family's religious observance. It's not. But you know that. This is all about control.

I still don't understand why you think it's okay to live hundreds of miles away from your elderly mother and then make the demands you've made throughout this thread. We don't look for work elsewhere bc we prioritize family and have made every effort to stay close. You haven't, and I think that speaks volumes.

You yourself said your sil made the announcement in a nice way and that she's a nice person. She's being direct and honest so that the family can plan. Rather than your wishy washy brother who has evaded responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

Yes, yes, and we travel the furthest with kids. About four hours by car to the hub region our mom and two siblings reside in. A fourth sibling married with no children flies in from Seattle. Fourth sibling sometimes stays with us.

Why did you choose to live so far away from family? Don't you value it?

+1

And when do you celebrate with ILs? When does Seattle sibling celebrate with ILs? How many brothers do you have?

+1
I’m glad someone is sticking up for the ILs who are just as elderly as OP’s mom and would also love to see their grandkids on 12/25.

SIL’s family has never missed a Christmas Day with their kids. And this year both Day and Eve. Plus Easter, if we’re keeping tabs.

Well, you surely are keeping tabs!
When do you see your ILs? Does your husband ever get to see his family on the actual holidays?

[Anonymous]

So your mom and 3 of 4 siblings all live with in the same region- or a weekend’s drive in your case? And this is the ONE time of year you can all get together? If you are going to be assigning “fault” (not that I agree it is anyone’s fault- but you obviously do) about this- the fault lies more with the sibling who moved to Seattle. Next in line would be YOU- who moved 4hrs away.

It isn’t your brother and SIL’s fault that siblings have moved away. Why should they have to be the ones to accommodate this? Ridiculous. They can see your mother anytime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your mom and 3 of 4 siblings all live with in the same region- or a weekend’s drive in your case? And this is the ONE time of year you can all get together? If you are going to be assigning “fault” (not that I agree it is anyone’s fault- but you obviously do) about this- the fault lies more with the sibling who moved to Seattle. Next in line would be YOU- who moved 4hrs away.

It isn’t your brother and SIL’s fault that siblings have moved away. Why should they have to be the ones to accommodate this? Ridiculous. They can see your mother anytime.

Why does everyone even have to get together at the SAME time? This is a control issue. Yuck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

Yes, yes, and we travel the furthest with kids. About four hours by car to the hub region our mom and two siblings reside in. A fourth sibling married with no children flies in from Seattle. Fourth sibling sometimes stays with us.

Why did you choose to live so far away from family? Don't you value it?

+1

And when do you celebrate with ILs? When does Seattle sibling celebrate with ILs? How many brothers do you have?

+1
I’m glad someone is sticking up for the ILs who are just as elderly as OP’s mom and would also love to see their grandkids on 12/25.

SIL’s family has never missed a Christmas Day with their kids. And this year both Day and Eve. Plus Easter, if we’re keeping tabs.

Well, you surely are keeping tabs!
When do you see your ILs? Does your husband ever get to see his family on the actual holidays?

I want to know this as well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like SIL was insensitive about the way she communicated this. Perhaps there is a reason she feels defensive about it. Maybe she's been wanting to do X Y Z for Xmas for years but doesn't feel "allowed" to have her way and this is her way of clumsily setting a boundary.

Just be there for your mom and don't get involved in your SIL drama.

SIL is nice. She was as nice about it as you can be. But the premise is of course rude. And I know she would never say such a thing to her own parents.

It’s not rude. People have limited time off from school and work. If they prioritize their time with their kids over time with extended family, it’s entirely within their rights and reasonable.

People who have Hallmark fantasies about Christmas and try to bully others into meeting those expectations are exhausting and best avoided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how so many on this board are totally fine with the scenario OP described. Maybe I just come from a different culture, but skipping Christmas Eve & day with the extended family in order to go on vacation would NOT fly. Nor would I ever want to do that. But everyone has their own cultures, traditions, and families.

+1

As the Italians say “Natale con i tuoi, Pasqua con chi vuoi." (Christmas with yours; Easter with whomever you want).

Op is not Italian so who cares what Italians do.

That was literally in reply to a comment about being from another culture where this wouldn't reply.

[Anonymous]

OP, 8’ with you and I think this is rude to tell an elderly person even if it’s true. The kinder way to do it is wait until June and then say you can’t make Xmas this year because you really want to show the kids London at Xmas but will join for thanksgiving. If she’s still alive in 2025, you can deal with that then. Depending on when Xmas falls it may still be possible to do one with them and then do a nice trip. But making a big dramatic announcement just to wound an elderly relative is really unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t DH just let his family know in January or February that they’d be unavailable for Christmas 2024?

Life happens, plans change… I don’t see why it’s necessary to announce no more Christmas celebrations going forward, especially to an elderly MIL.

Maybe the topic of “next year” came up, and SIL decided to be honest?

[Anonymous]

Sounds tempting. It is impossible to please all extended family in their holiday time wishes. If you are going to be guilt tripped for the great efforts you usually make, might as well be guilt tripped for running away and enjoying a vacation.