I don’t want to travel OR host for the holidays

[Anonymous]

OP is a big spoiled baby and drama
queen.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine being so lazy with kids. Christmas is about them. I go all out and it’s the thing my kids remember the most about holidays.

My parents do help me cook when they visit and my in-laws dont, but that’s because I like cooking with my mom and my in-laws instead play with dh and the kids.

I do refuse to travel for Christmas though. Other holidays are fine to travel.

Agree. Not sure why some of these people even have kids.

To have kids.

The people showing up at their home demanding to be waited on? Not kids. No one has kids thinking “at last! I can wash dishes while my in laws sit on the couch!”

I am truly sad for you that you can imagine any value in extended family holidays.

I can— and do. I don’t see value in exhausting myself to wait on people. My children won’t have holiday memories of an exhausted mother.

Heaven forfend they see their mother working hard for her family.

Right?! Especially when the alternatives are memories like snuggling with your mother in her bed reading Christmas stories, walking through Christmas lights with her, skating with her, baking cookies with her, having Christmas morning breakfast in bed with her…gosh why would you trade any of those memories for “my mother worked hard at Christmas”?

We hosted my MiL and BIL for years when my kids were little and were still able to do all of the above, except breakfast in bed because that seems terrible to me and my kids wouldn’t have wanted to do that.

I don’t see how this is either/or?!?!

In cases where the people you’re hosting require a lot of work, they are either or. My husband taught my daughter when she was very small that on Christmas morning you have to bring your parents coffee and buns in bed. Not doing that if you’ve got guests waiting around for you to make them breakfast.

However the bigger point was I consider any of these memories a million times more valuable than my kids “seeing me working hard”.

If the children are working to bring you breakfast in bed, what difference is it to you if she also serves her grandparents in bed? :lol:

What's up with this crazytown thread--only your parents and your kids should work on the holidays for your benefit.

Ok I’m going to answer this just in case there’s someone who actually thought it’s appropriate: our daughters do not go into the bedroom of any adult other than their parent for any reason. That’s…very basic education in 2023.

Our tradition is that our daughters bring us coffee and buns, get in bed with us to read the story of Christmas, and open their stockings in bed with us. I don’t need anyone waiting on me to get up and cook. I don’t need a house full of people making noise. I love our peaceful
Christmas morning.

We see family Christmas Eve and we host Christmas dinner. Christmas morning is just for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a big spoiled baby and drama
queen.

And yet you’ll be on DCUM calling names and she’ll enjoy her Christmas anyway…

[Anonymous]

OP ..so you’ve gotten a glimpse into the boomer reaction of taking away THEIR right to control your families holidays. It’s nasty. It’s ridiculous. It’s real.

I would simply tell them that this Christmas you and your family are staying home and just doing the holiday with your own family. You all aren’t up for traveling or hosting. Keep it simple and short. Don’t offer them next year. In fact if they push tell them it’s too soon to know what your plans will be next year.

The BEST thing DH and I ever did was to never establish the expectation that we would travel n holidays, host or that anyone else owned a holiday. We did what worked for us and respected what worked for them. Sometimes we did host, sent out an invite and some relatives came while some could not. No problem. We traveled maybe three times in total and again never set the expectation that we would be doing this every other year. We also never gave minute of thought as to how much time each group got. Nobody is owed anything. It’s called being an adult and not allowing anyone to foist their anxiety and control issues onto your family.

[Anonymous]

Life is a long journey. For a small portion of that journey it’s your turn to host or travel. Suck it up, you little baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ..so you’ve gotten a glimpse into the boomer reaction of taking away THEIR right to control your families holidays. It’s nasty. It’s ridiculous. It’s real.

I would simply tell them that this Christmas you and your family are staying home and just doing the holiday with your own family. You all aren’t up for traveling or hosting. Keep it simple and short. Don’t offer them next year. In fact if they push tell them it’s too soon to know what your plans will be next year.

The BEST thing DH and I ever did was to never establish the expectation that we would travel n holidays, host or that anyone else owned a holiday. We did what worked for us and respected what worked for them. Sometimes we did host, sent out an invite and some relatives came while some could not. No problem. We traveled maybe three times in total and again never set the expectation that we would be doing this every other year. We also never gave minute of thought as to how much time each group got. Nobody is owed anything. It’s called being an adult and not allowing anyone to foist their anxiety and control issues onto your family.

It’s not a “boomer” thing or a generational thing. It’s an individual thing.

I do love reading posts like yours though. How you think you have all the answers. Just remember what you’re modeling. And when your kids grow up and want nothing to do with you on their holidays I wonder if you’ll continue to be so smug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ..so you’ve gotten a glimpse into the boomer reaction of taking away THEIR right to control your families holidays. It’s nasty. It’s ridiculous. It’s real.

I would simply tell them that this Christmas you and your family are staying home and just doing the holiday with your own family. You all aren’t up for traveling or hosting. Keep it simple and short. Don’t offer them next year. In fact if they push tell them it’s too soon to know what your plans will be next year.

The BEST thing DH and I ever did was to never establish the expectation that we would travel n holidays, host or that anyone else owned a holiday. We did what worked for us and respected what worked for them. Sometimes we did host, sent out an invite and some relatives came while some could not. No problem. We traveled maybe three times in total and again never set the expectation that we would be doing this every other year. We also never gave minute of thought as to how much time each group got. Nobody is owed anything. It’s called being an adult and not allowing anyone to foist their anxiety and control issues onto your family.

This is excellent advice OP if you’re still reading.

Also, bear in mind some of what you’ve read with the name calling and the projections and *don’t engage* in a discussion. Have your DH tell them in a happy and polite way and the discussion ends.

[Anonymous]

Honesty DCUM women really are the absolute worst. Everything is such a problem for you. Sooo much drama. So much anger. So much pettiness. It’s truly remarkable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is a long journey. For a small portion of that journey it’s your turn to host or travel. Suck it up, you little baby.

This is awful advice. You never get the little-kid years back. Do not waste them running yourself ragged for adults who already had their turn. Even if they call you names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP ..so you’ve gotten a glimpse into the boomer reaction of taking away THEIR right to control your families holidays. It’s nasty. It’s ridiculous. It’s real.

I would simply tell them that this Christmas you and your family are staying home and just doing the holiday with your own family. You all aren’t up for traveling or hosting. Keep it simple and short. Don’t offer them next year. In fact if they push tell them it’s too soon to know what your plans will be next year.

The BEST thing DH and I ever did was to never establish the expectation that we would travel n holidays, host or that anyone else owned a holiday. We did what worked for us and respected what worked for them. Sometimes we did host, sent out an invite and some relatives came while some could not. No problem. We traveled maybe three times in total and again never set the expectation that we would be doing this every other year. We also never gave minute of thought as to how much time each group got. Nobody is owed anything. It’s called being an adult and not allowing anyone to foist their anxiety and control issues onto your family.

It’s absolutely a boomer thing!

As an older GenX, DH and I are looking forward to the time when the kids don’t want to come back for holidays. Nice hotel in New York, European Christmas, or even just Union Square. We’ll send nice gifts, deck the house out and put lights up for our annual neighborhood Christmas parties. If kids want to come fine but honestly I’m looking forward to when they’ll have their own lives and certainly don’t expect to worm my way in or take control.

It’s not a “boomer” thing or a generational thing. It’s an individual thing.

I do love reading posts like yours though. How you think you have all the answers. Just remember what you’re modeling. And when your kids grow up and want nothing to do with you on their holidays I wonder if you’ll continue to be so smug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine being so lazy with kids. Christmas is about them. I go all out and it’s the thing my kids remember the most about holidays.

My parents do help me cook when they visit and my in-laws dont, but that’s because I like cooking with my mom and my in-laws instead play with dh and the kids.

I do refuse to travel for Christmas though. Other holidays are fine to travel.

Agree. Not sure why some of these people even have kids.

To have kids.

The people showing up at their home demanding to be waited on? Not kids. No one has kids thinking “at last! I can wash dishes while my in laws sit on the couch!”

I am truly sad for you that you can imagine any value in extended family holidays.

I can— and do. I don’t see value in exhausting myself to wait on people. My children won’t have holiday memories of an exhausted mother.

Heaven forfend they see their mother working hard for her family.

Right?! Especially when the alternatives are memories like snuggling with your mother in her bed reading Christmas stories, walking through Christmas lights with her, skating with her, baking cookies with her, having Christmas morning breakfast in bed with her…gosh why would you trade any of those memories for “my mother worked hard at Christmas”?

We hosted my MiL and BIL for years when my kids were little and were still able to do all of the above, except breakfast in bed because that seems terrible to me and my kids wouldn’t have wanted to do that.

I don’t see how this is either/or?!?!

In cases where the people you’re hosting require a lot of work, they are either or. My husband taught my daughter when she was very small that on Christmas morning you have to bring your parents coffee and buns in bed. Not doing that if you’ve got guests waiting around for you to make them breakfast.

However the bigger point was I consider any of these memories a million times more valuable than my kids “seeing me working hard”.

If the children are working to bring you breakfast in bed, what difference is it to you if she also serves her grandparents in bed? :lol:

What's up with this crazytown thread--only your parents and your kids should work on the holidays for your benefit.

Ok I’m going to answer this just in case there’s someone who actually thought it’s appropriate: our daughters do not go into the bedroom of any adult other than their parent for any reason. That’s…very basic education in 2023.

Our tradition is that our daughters bring us coffee and buns, get in bed with us to read the story of Christmas, and open their stockings in bed with us. I don’t need anyone waiting on me to get up and cook. I don’t need a house full of people making noise. I love our peaceful
Christmas morning.

We see family Christmas Eve and we host Christmas dinner. Christmas morning is just for us.

You are as insufferable as OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honesty DCUM women really are the absolute worst. Everything is such a problem for you. Sooo much drama. So much anger. So much pettiness. It’s truly remarkable.

Honestly. I cite specific threads for my DH all the time and remind him he's lucked out. I also tell him how awesome he is based on the downer DH threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is a long journey. For a small portion of that journey it’s your turn to host or travel. Suck it up, you little baby.

This is awful advice. You never get the little-kid years back. Do not waste them running yourself ragged for adults who already had their turn. Even if they call you names.

This X1000. My kids hands down preferred the holidays when it was just us. They remember playing board games, just having fun on Christmas, lounging with the dog and being chill as the best ones. The holidays with stressed parents running after guests, parents constantly cleaning and cooking, being forced into matching pajamas so granny could get her pictures, cousins breaking toys, and keeping the dog in another room because there was too much chaos were not magical for them.

I get that boomers want more memories but they really are not creating good memories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine being so lazy with kids. Christmas is about them. I go all out and it’s the thing my kids remember the most about holidays.

My parents do help me cook when they visit and my in-laws dont, but that’s because I like cooking with my mom and my in-laws instead play with dh and the kids.

I do refuse to travel for Christmas though. Other holidays are fine to travel.

Agree. Not sure why some of these people even have kids.

To have kids.

The people showing up at their home demanding to be waited on? Not kids. No one has kids thinking “at last! I can wash dishes while my in laws sit on the couch!”

I am truly sad for you that you can imagine any value in extended family holidays.

I can— and do. I don’t see value in exhausting myself to wait on people. My children won’t have holiday memories of an exhausted mother.

Heaven forfend they see their mother working hard for her family.

Right?! Especially when the alternatives are memories like snuggling with your mother in her bed reading Christmas stories, walking through Christmas lights with her, skating with her, baking cookies with her, having Christmas morning breakfast in bed with her…gosh why would you trade any of those memories for “my mother worked hard at Christmas”?

We hosted my MiL and BIL for years when my kids were little and were still able to do all of the above, except breakfast in bed because that seems terrible to me and my kids wouldn’t have wanted to do that.

I don’t see how this is either/or?!?!

In cases where the people you’re hosting require a lot of work, they are either or. My husband taught my daughter when she was very small that on Christmas morning you have to bring your parents coffee and buns in bed. Not doing that if you’ve got guests waiting around for you to make them breakfast.

However the bigger point was I consider any of these memories a million times more valuable than my kids “seeing me working hard”.

If the children are working to bring you breakfast in bed, what difference is it to you if she also serves her grandparents in bed? :lol:

What's up with this crazytown thread--only your parents and your kids should work on the holidays for your benefit.

Ok I’m going to answer this just in case there’s someone who actually thought it’s appropriate: our daughters do not go into the bedroom of any adult other than their parent for any reason. That’s…very basic education in 2023.

Our tradition is that our daughters bring us coffee and buns, get in bed with us to read the story of Christmas, and open their stockings in bed with us. I don’t need anyone waiting on me to get up and cook. I don’t need a house full of people making noise. I love our peaceful
Christmas morning.

We see family Christmas Eve and we host Christmas dinner. Christmas morning is just for us.

You are as insufferable as OP.

Then how lucky for everyone involved I don’t try to impose myself on their Christmas morning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also empathize because my IL doesn’t help out at all when she visits, even when I was managing a newborn and a toddler and was exhausted. When I visit, I help her out a lot.

Parents seem to be comfortable helping their daughters but not their daughters in law. Maybe the comfort level isn’t there.

If they visit, they could do Airbnb, take out and restaurants. I’m not sure what’s open on Christmas—maybe a casino restaurant?

Opposite here, so I have to stick up for mother-in-laws! My MIL is amazing and always offers to help with meals and childcare and is a cheerful sidekick for the random outings I save up that my own family doesn’t enjoy. My own mother is a burden and couldn’t even hold or watch my newborn while I showered, and is always asking about the next meal. I cook regular meals and always let her know the plan in advance, so this is just her being anxious. I’m glad I married into a family that isn’t American- when we “quit” Thanksgiving I only had to break it to half the family. I’ve also made it clear that we won’t fly for Christmas anymore after way too many weather and airport-related dramas, including one that left us at home with no decorations or clothing or presents while our luggage spent the week at my mom’s.

NP here. My MIL was wonderful and my own mother doesn't help me at all.