Same college, same sorority, many of my prettiest sorority sisters did not marry well. Who did?

[Anonymous]

The really good one got reported and deleted, but here’s a similar one: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/792205.page

[Anonymous]

Maybe some of their sisters didn't marry well but it sounds like their husbands did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to what incomes and net worths are considered rich to these people who are marrying one another.

I’m a public school who went to an ivy. I met my DH in grad school. He also went to an ivy. I think more people meet and marry from college, grad school and meet during their young professional lives.

I wasn’t in a sorority. It seems really strange that OP is keeping tabs of these people from her sorority and she is trying to rank them. How would she even know how well they all married? Just from social media?

We live very well. I don’t post. I don’t think my old childhood friends could tell I married well from my social media.

It is not about family net worth or trust funds. That is just a cope. Private school molds you in unique ways which can not be replicated or faked. And boarding school alumni are even more unique than local prep day school alumni. There was a thread on dcum years ago about private school kids having a je ne se quoi. A certain something. It is hard to explain but you know it when you see it. This goes over the head of most public school alumni, ex. OP naively thinks all of her sisters were the same because on paper they were at the same college, in the same sorority, and studying the same majors. They were not the same. The private and boarding school educated women were unique in ways very attractive to the most desirable bachelors.

+1 I can spot the private school kids in a coffee shop

It is a certain poise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to what incomes and net worths are considered rich to these people who are marrying one another.

I’m a public school who went to an ivy. I met my DH in grad school. He also went to an ivy. I think more people meet and marry from college, grad school and meet during their young professional lives.

I wasn’t in a sorority. It seems really strange that OP is keeping tabs of these people from her sorority and she is trying to rank them. How would she even know how well they all married? Just from social media?

We live very well. I don’t post. I don’t think my old childhood friends could tell I married well from my social media.

It is not about family net worth or trust funds. That is just a cope. Private school molds you in unique ways which can not be replicated or faked. And boarding school alumni are even more unique than local prep day school alumni. There was a thread on dcum years ago about private school kids having a je ne se quoi. A certain something. It is hard to explain but you know it when you see it. This goes over the head of most public school alumni, ex. OP naively thinks all of her sisters were the same because on paper they were at the same college, in the same sorority, and studying the same majors. They were not the same. The private and boarding school educated women were unique in ways very attractive to the most desirable bachelors.

It's not just about private and boarding schools. Plenty of private and boarding school kids are actually from middle class or UMC backgrounds. It's about deep generational connections and being established, which is something you have at birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to what incomes and net worths are considered rich to these people who are marrying one another.

I’m a public school who went to an ivy. I met my DH in grad school. He also went to an ivy. I think more people meet and marry from college, grad school and meet during their young professional lives.

I wasn’t in a sorority. It seems really strange that OP is keeping tabs of these people from her sorority and she is trying to rank them. How would she even know how well they all married? Just from social media?

We live very well. I don’t post. I don’t think my old childhood friends could tell I married well from my social media.

It is not about family net worth or trust funds. That is just a cope. Private school molds you in unique ways which can not be replicated or faked. And boarding school alumni are even more unique than local prep day school alumni. There was a thread on dcum years ago about private school kids having a je ne se quoi. A certain something. It is hard to explain but you know it when you see it. This goes over the head of most public school alumni, ex. OP naively thinks all of her sisters were the same because on paper they were at the same college, in the same sorority, and studying the same majors. They were not the same. The private and boarding school educated women were unique in ways very attractive to the most desirable bachelors.

+1 I can spot the private school kids in a coffee shop

lol no you can’t. please stop.

people see what they want to see.

so many in this thread sound pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing is that it’s nuanced. Marrying the cute yoga instructor is perfectly fine if she has a college degree. Actually so the barista if she is working a second job to be an actress but can introduce you to her Broadway buddies. Especially if they come from good families. It’s not like these guys just want to marry doctors and lawyers. In fact if these doctors and lawyers come from lower socio economic classes that’s a ding against them if they can’t assimilate.

nuance is what is missing in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to what incomes and net worths are considered rich to these people who are marrying one another.

I’m a public school who went to an ivy. I met my DH in grad school. He also went to an ivy. I think more people meet and marry from college, grad school and meet during their young professional lives.

I wasn’t in a sorority. It seems really strange that OP is keeping tabs of these people from her sorority and she is trying to rank them. How would she even know how well they all married? Just from social media?

We live very well. I don’t post. I don’t think my old childhood friends could tell I married well from my social media.

It is not about family net worth or trust funds. That is just a cope. Private school molds you in unique ways which can not be replicated or faked. And boarding school alumni are even more unique than local prep day school alumni. There was a thread on dcum years ago about private school kids having a je ne se quoi. A certain something. It is hard to explain but you know it when you see it. This goes over the head of most public school alumni, ex. OP naively thinks all of her sisters were the same because on paper they were at the same college, in the same sorority, and studying the same majors. They were not the same. The private and boarding school educated women were unique in ways very attractive to the most desirable bachelors.

+1 I can spot the private school kids in a coffee shop

How do minorities fall into this group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to what incomes and net worths are considered rich to these people who are marrying one another.

I’m a public school who went to an ivy. I met my DH in grad school. He also went to an ivy. I think more people meet and marry from college, grad school and meet during their young professional lives.

I wasn’t in a sorority. It seems really strange that OP is keeping tabs of these people from her sorority and she is trying to rank them. How would she even know how well they all married? Just from social media?

We live very well. I don’t post. I don’t think my old childhood friends could tell I married well from my social media.

It is not about family net worth or trust funds. That is just a cope. Private school molds you in unique ways which can not be replicated or faked. And boarding school alumni are even more unique than local prep day school alumni. There was a thread on dcum years ago about private school kids having a je ne se quoi. A certain something. It is hard to explain but you know it when you see it. This goes over the head of most public school alumni, ex. OP naively thinks all of her sisters were the same because on paper they were at the same college, in the same sorority, and studying the same majors. They were not the same. The private and boarding school educated women were unique in ways very attractive to the most desirable bachelors.

+1 I can spot the private school kids in a coffee shop

How do minorities fall into this group?

Same way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There were about 160 sisters in my sorority over 20 years ago. Looking back, while some of the prettiest classic beauty sisters married well, frankly, many of them did not. They frequently complain about finances, many are on second marriages, and some are single divorcees dating much older men. A handful never married and have no children – they seem to have successful careers. With the benefit of hindsight, who seems to have married the best? As crazy as this probably sounds, I double-checked this on Facebook last night and literally all of my sisters who went to ritzy private day schools and boarding schools married well. Literally 100%. All of them are married to either successful MDs, law partners, business executives, or entrepreneurs. No divorces. All of them have children. They live in elegant homes, especially for our age range, in premier neighborhoods. And for the sake of total honestly, these sisters were and are largely average appearance-wise. I am not saying that to be cruel or out of jealously, I was also average if not below average for our chapter, and I went to public school.

Is there something to this?

Yes, their families had enough money to send them to private schools and boarding schools, and their potential boyfriends were interested in women with family money or a certain background. Doesn't apply if you are a scholarship or financial aid student at those schools though, or if your parents pay full tuition and have to sacrifice to do so.

A story: I attended a private school but my family scrimped and saved to send me there and it was obvious; never was able to date anyone at my private school, the guys just weren't interested, even though we were friends so I assumed I was not attractive to them or too shy and studious. Attended a decent college on scholarship, lost contact, and then was accepted to a masters degree program at a much more prestigious university, of which my female private school friends were aware.

*One month* after attending the name brand U, I was getting contacted by all three guys I had crushes on in high school. Went out once with two, and it became apparent that *prestigious U* was the reason I was now considered dateable, and took precedence over my more humble family origins. By that point, I had no interest in either of these guys. I have been happily married to my dh for 20 years and he is also from lower middle class family, successful, and we met at work.

OP, many guys are in this for the money or prestige (or their parents want them to be) and it doesn't matter so much how pretty you are, sometimes your background matters more to certain people.

This is cynical and really unhealthy retrospect. The trio of boys circling back was almost certainly because you were around mid 20s and peers were getting serious about marriage and the dating pool was hyper-competitive and getting shallow. Hearing you got into grad school made you top of mind and whichever private school alumnus told them the news likely also shared you were single. I bet they even shared you were still fit! They wanted to marry a girl from their high school. That is charming, not conniving! You have a serious chip on your shoulder to take that the wrong way decades (?) later.

You missed the part where PP said she’d been married for 20 years.

I did not miss it, see "decades (?) later." All these years later and she still can not see this was totally normal communication?

I am the pp. I did not take it the wrong way "decades later" I took it the right way 20 years ago: it was not "normal." These guys basically burned through the girls they were dating and did not even consider reaching out to me until they heard through the grapevine I had achieved a certain amount of "status" in my grad school admission. All our mutual female friends were still single as well, so it wasn't like I was the only one.

You all are missing the point: even though I was attractive, I wasn't even dating material until I or my family achieved a certain amount of success. Doesn't matter how "pretty" you are, what matters is the amount of actual money or social capital you or your family have -- to a certain segment of private school guys. OP was asking why the guys were marrying their private / boarding school counterparts and I am providing you with my theory.

It hurt as a teenager, but once I realized what was going on in my early 20s I dropped contact with these guys as fast as possible. Really also made me feel better about myself--I thought I was just unlovable and undatable as a teen until I got away from that whole private school environment. Turns out, my family just did not have enough money or status.

Attractiveness does not always compete with money and social stains, as I found out and as these pretty sorority girls are finding out. Thing is, once they learn this, they may be very happy they dodged a bullet.

Have been happily married for two decades, and haven't thought of these guys in almost three decades. This post just brought the memories back up.

And those two guys from way back in high school? They did end up marrying women who were not as attractive as pretty sorority girls but graduated from different private school "high status" families.

[Anonymous]

Social stains should be "social status."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m more interested in women who marry “down”. I know three women who are college and grad school educated who married men with high school diplomas and blue collar jobs. This defies every metric of female mating patterns, but I’m curious if it’s an indication of a broader trend.

It is a broader trend as women pursue graduate degrees now in higher numbers than men. And there are more women graduating college. I have a PhD my husband was inlaw enforcement. I did not marry "down". He has been incredibly supportive of my career, provided financial stability while I trained for years, is a great, involved dad, cooks and we have a beautiful home and beautiful, successful children (if I do say so myself 🙂). He's adorable too. Let's move beyond the stereotypes. Of course these pairings can work. If you accept each other and realize and value what your partner brings to the relationship.

Okay, you don’t need to act so offended. It is a statement of fact that women generally marry men who are equally, or more educated than themselves. Absent this, women will place more value on their partner’s income, so if the man is less educated, he will tend to still make equal or more income than his wife. These are just statistics, not a value judgment. My interest is in women who marry “down” in both metrics (less educated and less-income generating husbands), because these are true anomalies but they appear to be part of a growing set as women become more successful. We have yet to see how these relationships will look over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to what incomes and net worths are considered rich to these people who are marrying one another.

I’m a public school who went to an ivy. I met my DH in grad school. He also went to an ivy. I think more people meet and marry from college, grad school and meet during their young professional lives.

I wasn’t in a sorority. It seems really strange that OP is keeping tabs of these people from her sorority and she is trying to rank them. How would she even know how well they all married? Just from social media?

We live very well. I don’t post. I don’t think my old childhood friends could tell I married well from my social media.

It is not about family net worth or trust funds. That is just a cope. Private school molds you in unique ways which can not be replicated or faked. And boarding school alumni are even more unique than local prep day school alumni. There was a thread on dcum years ago about private school kids having a je ne se quoi. A certain something. It is hard to explain but you know it when you see it. This goes over the head of most public school alumni, ex. OP naively thinks all of her sisters were the same because on paper they were at the same college, in the same sorority, and studying the same majors. They were not the same. The private and boarding school educated women were unique in ways very attractive to the most desirable bachelors.

+1 I can spot the private school kids in a coffee shop

lol no you can’t. please stop.

people see what they want to see.

so many in this thread sound pathetic.

I’m not PP but I am in my 40s and always get a hunch if a random parent or colleague is a Catholic school lifer. I’m almost always right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, I didn't realize the purpose of sororities was to ensure its members married well. What millenia are we in?

That is and always has been the entire purpose of sororities.

100% correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There were about 160 sisters in my sorority over 20 years ago. Looking back, while some of the prettiest classic beauty sisters married well, frankly, many of them did not. They frequently complain about finances, many are on second marriages, and some are single divorcees dating much older men. A handful never married and have no children – they seem to have successful careers. With the benefit of hindsight, who seems to have married the best? As crazy as this probably sounds, I double-checked this on Facebook last night and literally all of my sisters who went to ritzy private day schools and boarding schools married well. Literally 100%. All of them are married to either successful MDs, law partners, business executives, or entrepreneurs. No divorces. All of them have children. They live in elegant homes, especially for our age range, in premier neighborhoods. And for the sake of total honestly, these sisters were and are largely average appearance-wise. I am not saying that to be cruel or out of jealously, I was also average if not below average for our chapter, and I went to public school.

Is there something to this?

Yes, their families had enough money to send them to private schools and boarding schools, and their potential boyfriends were interested in women with family money or a certain background. Doesn't apply if you are a scholarship or financial aid student at those schools though, or if your parents pay full tuition and have to sacrifice to do so.

A story: I attended a private school but my family scrimped and saved to send me there and it was obvious; never was able to date anyone at my private school, the guys just weren't interested, even though we were friends so I assumed I was not attractive to them or too shy and studious. Attended a decent college on scholarship, lost contact, and then was accepted to a masters degree program at a much more prestigious university, of which my female private school friends were aware.

*One month* after attending the name brand U, I was getting contacted by all three guys I had crushes on in high school. Went out once with two, and it became apparent that *prestigious U* was the reason I was now considered dateable, and took precedence over my more humble family origins. By that point, I had no interest in either of these guys. I have been happily married to my dh for 20 years and he is also from lower middle class family, successful, and we met at work.

OP, many guys are in this for the money or prestige (or their parents want them to be) and it doesn't matter so much how pretty you are, sometimes your background matters more to certain people.

This is cynical and really unhealthy retrospect. The trio of boys circling back was almost certainly because you were around mid 20s and peers were getting serious about marriage and the dating pool was hyper-competitive and getting shallow. Hearing you got into grad school made you top of mind and whichever private school alumnus told them the news likely also shared you were single. I bet they even shared you were still fit! They wanted to marry a girl from their high school. That is charming, not conniving! You have a serious chip on your shoulder to take that the wrong way decades (?) later.

You missed the part where PP said she’d been married for 20 years.

I did not miss it, see "decades (?) later." All these years later and she still can not see this was totally normal communication?

I am the pp. I did not take it the wrong way "decades later" I took it the right way 20 years ago: it was not "normal." These guys basically burned through the girls they were dating and did not even consider reaching out to me until they heard through the grapevine I had achieved a certain amount of "status" in my grad school admission. All our mutual female friends were still single as well, so it wasn't like I was the only one.

You all are missing the point: even though I was attractive, I wasn't even dating material until I or my family achieved a certain amount of success. Doesn't matter how "pretty" you are, what matters is the amount of actual money or social capital you or your family have -- to a certain segment of private school guys. OP was asking why the guys were marrying their private / boarding school counterparts and I am providing you with my theory.

It hurt as a teenager, but once I realized what was going on in my early 20s I dropped contact with these guys as fast as possible. Really also made me feel better about myself--I thought I was just unlovable and undatable as a teen until I got away from that whole private school environment. Turns out, my family just did not have enough money or status.

Attractiveness does not always compete with money and social stains, as I found out and as these pretty sorority girls are finding out. Thing is, once they learn this, they may be very happy they dodged a bullet.

Have been happily married for two decades, and haven't thought of these guys in almost three decades. This post just brought the memories back up.

And those two guys from way back in high school? They did end up marrying women who were not as attractive as pretty sorority girls but graduated from different private school "high status" families.

Are you sure you didn’t glow up?

I was a poor kid and had a very rich boyfriend as a teen. My college boyfriend was also rich. I met my husband when I was at Harvard. He didn’t grow up rich but he is rich now. DH is far more competent. He is more successful than most of the rich kids I knew when I was a kid. Our kids are doing quite well. They are well liked and overall amazing kids.

[Anonymous]

You are probably more attractive now than when you were a teen. Perhaps you were insecure or not well put together. You probably exude confidence and that can be attractive.