Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced and a child of divorce. “I’m sorry” acknowledges that at some point between the wedding and now, things got rough enough that you gave up on what… must have been? A dream of a happy life long partnership.

- also relieved but still “sorry” it had to come to that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because no matter what reason, it's a pain to go through the divorce process, no?

If you don't anyone to feel sorry for you, just indicate that it's the best decision for you. If someone tells me they're getting divorced without adding some qualifier or extra tidbit like that, I'd say sorry too.

No, it does not have to be a pain. I felt that divorce was easy. The marriage was horrible.

I hate it when people say this. It is astonishing they don't realize 1 person wanted the divorce and is far from sorry.

I say: "I'm not sorry. Why are you?" It shuts this crap right down.

That’s a pretty hostile response to someone just trying to be nice. Yikes. I bet it sure does shut them right down. Why be so abrasive to someone who hasn’t done anything other than try to be nice?

I don't think it is "nice" to say "I'm sorry."

“Something just happened in my life that is widely known to be the greatest stressor one can have in their lives, which is the end of my marriage which I , theoretically, hoped would be a happy one.”
“Oh, I had no idea, I’m sorry to hear that”
“That’s not nice to say why why on earth are you sorry?”

Yeah, you’re totally in the right here.

Everyone should be so lucky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

Are you implying divorce is hard on children? Really?!?

Are you implying the mistakes you made hurt innocent children, who were not at fault for the divorce ??

Seriously ?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's good that you can see it that way. People are trying to be nice. For most people, divorce represents a sad event, so that's why people say that they are sorry to hear it.

This

[Anonymous]

I think of it as "I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out." Not inconsistent with the idea that divorce might be the best path forward from a bad marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like one of those personality disordered types who lacks empathy for others - given the callous, wanton attitude about divorce. Thus, they lack the ability to comprehend others sense of empathy. Why do you care? Why sorry? Why would divorce be bad/sad? *shrug* Its a breeze!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

So let me get this straight. When you got married, divorce was the ultimate end goal for you? And now you are happy to have reached the end goal?

I knew divorce was a possibility because I wasn’t sure about getting married to begin with. I’m a logical person not a halfwit who thinks divorce is impossible…
I am happy that, after a decade of sheer misery, that I was able to get past the judgment of you harpies on here and stop giving a crap what people think and was able to end a bad marriage. The term “I’m sorry” is not appropriate to say. I’m not sorry I’m divorced. I’m happy I’m divorced. I can’t believe that people can’t understand this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like one of those personality disordered types who lacks empathy for others - given the callous, wanton attitude about divorce. Thus, they lack the ability to comprehend others sense of empathy. Why do you care? Why sorry? Why would divorce be bad/sad? *shrug* Its a breeze!

Divorce actually is a breeze if you take all the emotion out of it and you just focus on the paperwork.

[Anonymous]

And I said, I'm not sorry so don't you be. I'm happier than I've ever been and want to throw a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

When I got divorced, one woman said “congratulations!” It was hilarious and so true. Now that’s what I say whenever someone tells me they’re getting divorced.

“Congratulations” is usually the more accurate thing to say, especially to a woman, since they are the ones who initiate most divorces.

[Anonymous]

OP you know why people say it, you don't need DCUM to explain it to you. I'm sure if one of your friends or loved ones told you they were getting divorced you would say you were sorry if you thought it was a sad event for them. So that's why they say it.

I'm glad you are getting your own life straightened out and aren't feeling sorry for yourself. Keep moving forward!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

When I got divorced, one woman said “congratulations!” It was hilarious and so true. Now that’s what I say whenever someone tells me they’re getting divorced.

“Congratulations” is usually the more accurate thing to say, especially to a woman, since they are the ones who initiate most divorces.

Both things can apply.

It’s like if you ran into someone you hadn’t seen for 5 years and they said “Oh, I just finished chemo.” Obviously this is a wonderful thing, but it’s also an indication that things have, relatively recently, been bad. So, both “I’m sorry to hear you went through that.” And “Congratulations for coming out the other side and beginning to heal.” are appropriate.

[Anonymous]

If someone says “I’m sorry”. I say “you’re sorry you can’t too?

The reality is most marriages are terrible.

I know of 1 out of 10 that are good. Some are good enough. But most are not good at all, no physical abuse/cheating (that they know)/ alcoholism so they stay married.

The reality is most my friend must stay married due to $ and they are just making the best of a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting divorced. When I tell people this they say, “I’m so sorry.” But honestly, I don’t feel bad. This is the best decision I have made since marrying my STBX. My life is going to be so much more peaceful than it has been in years. No more putting up with narcissistic/borderline abuse. Just want it done. I don’t anyone to feel sorry for me. Why do people say they that?

When I got divorced, one woman said “congratulations!” It was hilarious and so true. Now that’s what I say whenever someone tells me they’re getting divorced.

“Congratulations” is usually the more accurate thing to say, especially to a woman, since they are the ones who initiate most divorces.

Both things can apply.

It’s like if you ran into someone you hadn’t seen for 5 years and they said “Oh, I just finished chemo.” Obviously this is a wonderful thing, but it’s also an indication that things have, relatively recently, been bad. So, both “I’m sorry to hear you went through that.” And “Congratulations for coming out the other side and beginning to heal.” are appropriate.

This is a great analogy.

People still married have untreatable cancer and you are now cancer free.

I wonder how somebody who is cancer free feels when their terminally ill friend says “congratulations “.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because at some point, you loved him enough to marry him. Perhaps you made a big mistake; that is reason enough to say "I'm sorry."

A divorce is never pain/ hassle/ cost-free, no matter how much you want it, that's another reason to say "I'm sorry."

And if there are children involved, you have wrecked their lives. That's what most of us are expressing sorrow for.

It's not necessarily true that 1) their lives are wrecked or 2) if their lives are wrecked, that it was OP who wrecked them.

It’s always true. Lying to yourself otherwise is pointless.