Explaining ASD child’s rude comments to strangers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

And preventing accidents or hurting oneself or another child.
An autistic kid was not following the water slide rules and waiting for child ahead to land in the pool before going. He went 2 seconds after my 6 yo daughter and kicked her in the back badly. All the mom said later was, “He’s Autistic” and walked off from my crying, hurt daughter. She then got a mouthful from many adult witnesses to better monitor her 10 yo child if he can’t be safe or has poor judgment.

Right - this mom should not have apologized or divulged the diagnosis. Because she and her child will be judged and criticized no matter what. Her focus needs to be on her kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

It's kind of strange to work on teaching social skills and appropriate/inappropriate interactions without even looking at the other person.

Again you completely misunderstand the situation. The child is not being taught social skills the way you think. The child is being taught a basic safety/communication behavior- you don’t talk to strangers, and you don’t break into conversations you are not part of.

No, not really. OP described a DC who would correct other people, even including strangers in a public setting. You think that OP should be teaching Stranger Danger while other posters think that OP should teach her DC not to correct others, that it's ok when someone is wrong or misinformed and they don't need to be corrected.

Maybe the DC is also rigid and/or oppositional but those are other issues. OP has been very focused on what to say to the interrupted person and that question only. She can apologize, she can explain or give out her DC's diagnosis, or she can say nothing. So some of us are responding to that question, while we also discuss other issues.

Learning not to make a beeline to strangers and interrupt them actually is important safety and basic being-in-public behavior. That’s what Op’s focus needs to be on, yes. That’s an undesired behavior that needs to be addressed. Everything else (conversation skills, correcting people) comes later.

Teaching the little professor that someone can be wrong and that it's ok is important. Teaching Stranger Danger is years out of date.

And modeling polite social interactions with other people is also important.

It’s not “stranger danger.” I feel like you’re willfully misinterpreting this scenario.

And yes modeling politeness has it’s place but not top priority when the parent needs to attend to their child first.

[Anonymous]

Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

You just don't seem to get it. People aren't really bothered by the 6 yr old, but they will be wondering where her parents are and why they aren't keeping an eye on her. What may be mildly cute at this age will get stale real fast in a short few years. The parents may thing their "Little Professor" is adorable but not many other people will not. When you finally do come wrangle the kid away from the unsuspecting strangers a quick sorry will go a long way.

YOU don’t get it. Yes, my job is to teach my child not to interrupt/speak to strangers. But apologizing to strangers for my child is not my job. It is actually counterproductive for me to dwell on my own feelings of embarrassment instead of focusing on how I want to teach my child in the moment. I KNOW the world at large will judge my kid (no matter how successful I am at teaching him some skills). So, apologizing for my kid is farrrr down my list of priorities.

At our house the precocious aspergers sibling snips and corrects the other two siblings so frequently they’ve all degraded to doing it to her all the time too.
It’s a terrible dynamic and telling the NT sibs to “take it” really normalizes being a punching bag. Am worried about everyone.

That is a completely different scenario than OPs. But interesting how you, too, focus more on the need to demonstrate to others you know the child with autism is breaking social norms, than actually supporting the child in stopping the behavior.

I feel that is what underlies this whole discussion. People who consciously or subconsciously view the problem as making sure the autistic child and parent give a ritual acknowledgement that they are different and lesser-than. Vs actually working to support the child. It’s hostile at its root. I get that the world will view my child with hostility. But I don’t need to join that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

It was the grownups who wanted the rightful order restored - mom was naive to think that they wanted to know her child had autism. What they wanted to see was the child punished, and likely never brought into public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

Look I don't give a flip about the reaction of random strangers in a museum but as she grows up the OP's daughter needs to learn functional behaviors in order to interact appropriately in society. She will likely need explicit instruction with repeated practice in learning to follow social norms, and that includes apologizing to others when warranted. It's not about shaming the child at all.

It’s not a lesson about apologizing in this scenario- apologies here would teach shame and not much else. Forced apologies by kids (SN or NT) are almost always for the gratification of adults, not teaching behaviors. I think the people fixated on forcing an apology by the kid (or worse the mom apologizing) don’t know much about systematic behavior shaping. The goal here is for the child to learn not to interrupt, not to talk to strangers, and eventually, how to handle when you disagree with what someone is saying. Focusing on the apology is a huge distraction and makes it more into a punishment than an effective teaching moment.

I think everyone is saying that, while OP is retrieving her interrupting DC, that OP can give a quick Sorry to the possibly-offended strangers. Not the child.

OP’s focus needs to be on the child and making sure the child gets reminded of the rule (that they have discussed beforehand) and that OP remains calm. If the child is oppositional OP has to be focused on delivering the command as clearly as possible. Possibly be ready to deliver a consequence like leaving. All of this takes precedence over even looking at the other person.

Some of you seem like you haven’t really had to deal with challenging public behaviors.

It's kind of strange to work on teaching social skills and appropriate/inappropriate interactions without even looking at the other person.

Again you completely misunderstand the situation. The child is not being taught social skills the way you think. The child is being taught a basic safety/communication behavior- you don’t talk to strangers, and you don’t break into conversations you are not part of.

No, not really. OP described a DC who would correct other people, even including strangers in a public setting. You think that OP should be teaching Stranger Danger while other posters think that OP should teach her DC not to correct others, that it's ok when someone is wrong or misinformed and they don't need to be corrected.

Maybe the DC is also rigid and/or oppositional but those are other issues. OP has been very focused on what to say to the interrupted person and that question only. She can apologize, she can explain or give out her DC's diagnosis, or she can say nothing. So some of us are responding to that question, while we also discuss other issues.

Learning not to make a beeline to strangers and interrupt them actually is important safety and basic being-in-public behavior. That’s what Op’s focus needs to be on, yes. That’s an undesired behavior that needs to be addressed. Everything else (conversation skills, correcting people) comes later.

Teaching the little professor that someone can be wrong and that it's ok is important. Teaching Stranger Danger is years out of date.

And modeling polite social interactions with other people is also important.

It’s not “stranger danger.” I feel like you’re willfully misinterpreting this scenario.

And yes modeling politeness has it’s place but not top priority when the parent needs to attend to their child first.

OP specifically asked for advice on how to respond to strangers in this situation, not on how to manage her child. Many commenters advised her to model politeness with a quick apology to the stranger and then move on. She didn't like that advice. So here we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

It was the grownups who wanted the rightful order restored - mom was naive to think that they wanted to know her child had autism. What they wanted to see was the child punished, and likely never brought into public.

No, they wanted to see the adult with him take responsibility for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

It was the grownups who wanted the rightful order restored - mom was naive to think that they wanted to know her child had autism. What they wanted to see was the child punished, and likely never brought into public.

Why would any kid that is physically injured by another, even your child if someone runs up and hits them in the face, expect anything in acknowledgement? Parents can just tend to their own and let the chips fall where they may otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

You just don't seem to get it. People aren't really bothered by the 6 yr old, but they will be wondering where her parents are and why they aren't keeping an eye on her. What may be mildly cute at this age will get stale real fast in a short few years. The parents may thing their "Little Professor" is adorable but not many other people will not. When you finally do come wrangle the kid away from the unsuspecting strangers a quick sorry will go a long way.

YOU don’t get it. Yes, my job is to teach my child not to interrupt/speak to strangers. But apologizing to strangers for my child is not my job. It is actually counterproductive for me to dwell on my own feelings of embarrassment instead of focusing on how I want to teach my child in the moment. I KNOW the world at large will judge my kid (no matter how successful I am at teaching him some skills). So, apologizing for my kid is farrrr down my list of priorities.

At our house the precocious aspergers sibling snips and corrects the other two siblings so frequently they’ve all degraded to doing it to her all the time too.
It’s a terrible dynamic and telling the NT sibs to “take it” really normalizes being a punching bag. Am worried about everyone.

That is a completely different scenario than OPs. But interesting how you, too, focus more on the need to demonstrate to others you know the child with autism is breaking social norms, than actually supporting the child in stopping the behavior.

I feel that is what underlies this whole discussion. People who consciously or subconsciously view the problem as making sure the autistic child and parent give a ritual acknowledgement that they are different and lesser-than. Vs actually working to support the child. It’s hostile at its root. I get that the world will view my child with hostility. But I don’t need to join that dynamic.

I think you're missing the point. OP asked what to say to the stranger when this happens. That's how this whole post started. Many others including you took it in a different direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

Yes but the most important part of this lesson is how her behavior impacts others. An apology is part of that. Ideally she will learn to apologize herself.

DP. Please just stop. OP’s goal is to teacher her daughter functional and safe behaviors, not to apologize right now. And it’s really important not to shame the child in the process. The opinion of strangers offended by the comments of a 6 yr old is about #999 on OP’s list.

You just don't seem to get it. People aren't really bothered by the 6 yr old, but they will be wondering where her parents are and why they aren't keeping an eye on her. What may be mildly cute at this age will get stale real fast in a short few years. The parents may thing their "Little Professor" is adorable but not many other people will not. When you finally do come wrangle the kid away from the unsuspecting strangers a quick sorry will go a long way.

YOU don’t get it. Yes, my job is to teach my child not to interrupt/speak to strangers. But apologizing to strangers for my child is not my job. It is actually counterproductive for me to dwell on my own feelings of embarrassment instead of focusing on how I want to teach my child in the moment. I KNOW the world at large will judge my kid (no matter how successful I am at teaching him some skills). So, apologizing for my kid is farrrr down my list of priorities.

At our house the precocious aspergers sibling snips and corrects the other two siblings so frequently they’ve all degraded to doing it to her all the time too.
It’s a terrible dynamic and telling the NT sibs to “take it” really normalizes being a punching bag. Am worried about everyone.

That is a completely different scenario than OPs. But interesting how you, too, focus more on the need to demonstrate to others you know the child with autism is breaking social norms, than actually supporting the child in stopping the behavior.

I feel that is what underlies this whole discussion. People who consciously or subconsciously view the problem as making sure the autistic child and parent give a ritual acknowledgement that they are different and lesser-than. Vs actually working to support the child. It’s hostile at its root. I get that the world will view my child with hostility. But I don’t need to join that dynamic.

You do seem to be interpreting responses that I way, responses that aren't directed to that. I'm not going to say this is a you problem. I am going to say that your interpretation is not the mainstream. We are (mostly) all parents of SN kids, of ASD kids. We're all trying our best to raise our kids. Maybe some of kids will never live in the world. But most of us think that our kids will and should and that's one of our end goals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

It was the grownups who wanted the rightful order restored - mom was naive to think that they wanted to know her child had autism. What they wanted to see was the child punished, and likely never brought into public.

Why would any kid that is physically injured by another, even your child if someone runs up and hits them in the face, expect anything in acknowledgement? Parents can just tend to their own and let the chips fall where they may otherwise.

Seriously?????? You are a psycho. I pray you do not have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

It was the grownups who wanted the rightful order restored - mom was naive to think that they wanted to know her child had autism. What they wanted to see was the child punished, and likely never brought into public.

Why would any kid that is physically injured by another, even your child if someone runs up and hits them in the face, expect anything in acknowledgement? Parents can just tend to their own and let the chips fall where they may otherwise.

Seriously?????? You are a psycho. I pray you do not have children.

I'm restating the argument that seems to be in the process of being made. We don't know which kids have special needs of any kind (cognitive delay, spectrum, severe anxiety, sensory processing sensitivities), we know special needs are not always visible but we should not share diagnoses with others in public, and we will tend only to our own children after difficult encounters. I'm not sure how this is going to play out in the long run, but is that correct?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly some posters don't realize this is in the Special Needs & Disabilities forum and found the thread through Recent Topics. Parenting classes...ha. Hahahahahahahaha. Ha.

NP
Therapists all recommend parenting classes for ASD children.

Guess what the number 1 reason the classes don’t work? One of the parents has ASD too, and cannot and will not apply the new parenting skills taught.

Clearly you have no idea how this works do you? I have autism, work with kids with autism, and have taught parenting classes to parents with autism raising kids with autism. It works if it’s done right.

Stop treating people with autism like they can’t learn or that they are less than capable because of some ridiculous label. You are not doing them any favors but never teaching them how to interact within society in a neurotypical way.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it takes longer. Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s a ton of work. Yes, it’s worth it.

Is anyone arguing not doing this?

My argument is that OP doesn’t need to worry about explaining her child’s “rude” behavior to strangers and I am suggesting that she not worry about that and instead just focus on her daughters needs. It’s a process and it doesn’t matter that some stranger may or may not be offended.

Another selfish point of view and attitude. Of course it matter that people are offended . Would it be ok if someone were to be hit if someone said something that made someone mad, like “baby pigs”? It isn’t ok on any level as other people
Have the right to live in a society with rules also..rules like not being bothered or interrupted or screamed at in public.

Oh lord. We have enough to do without worrying about the feelings of strangers. One of the first and hardest lessons I learned as a SN mom is not to waste my energy on apologizing for my kid. The people demanding this have nothing to do with helping my kid and the energy I spend apologizing or feeling embarrassed is a distraction from my actual responsibilities. Sometimes it is a direct interference with what I need to do in these situations, which is focus on staying calm and on my kid.

I work extremely hard and have a lot on my plate, and my job is to raise my kid as best I can in challenging circumstances. If that makes me “selfish,” I care not a bit.

This is OP. I appreciate this perspective. This seems most helpful to me. I will try to just focus on my daughter in these instances and not worry about what the stranger is thinking. I need to stay present with her to help me teach the “lesson” about what she should do different, and I also need to be ready to head off a meltdown. I can’t do all that as effectively if I’m concerned about a stranger’s reaction to her correcting them about which space mission that rocket went on.

And preventing accidents or hurting oneself or another child.
An autistic kid was not following the water slide rules and waiting for child ahead to land in the pool before going. He went 2 seconds after my 6 yo daughter and kicked her in the back badly. All the mom said later was, “He’s Autistic” and walked off from my crying, hurt daughter. She then got a mouthful from many adult witnesses to better monitor her 10 yo child if he can’t be safe or has poor judgment.

Right - this mom should not have apologized or divulged the diagnosis. Because she and her child will be judged and criticized no matter what. Her focus needs to be on her kid.

Need time he does that she can say nothing as the ambulance carts away the paralyzed 6 year old. Yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

It was the grownups who wanted the rightful order restored - mom was naive to think that they wanted to know her child had autism. What they wanted to see was the child punished, and likely never brought into public.

Seems like the Mom was negligent and the kid was a danger to others. Notice how the dad was awol entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would a six-year-old girl who had been kicked in the back badly at the bottom of the slide, and then started crying, expect anyone to say anything about it?

It was the grownups who wanted the rightful order restored - mom was naive to think that they wanted to know her child had autism. What they wanted to see was the child punished, and likely never brought into public.

Why would any kid that is physically injured by another, even your child if someone runs up and hits them in the face, expect anything in acknowledgement? Parents can just tend to their own and let the chips fall where they may otherwise.

Wow this is just textbook high functioning autism PP. You just keep repeating the same nonsense and it responding to others points. Just keep ramming away at your personal view over and over. You’re going to continue having a rough time.