Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Do you love your children?

Sometimes. Not worth it.

I'm getting the sense from your responses that you view love as transactional. But most people would say that relationships are transformational . . . the act of loving makes us happier (because creating joy in others creates joy in ourselves -- we are all connected). It's not just about receiving love.

It sounds like the part of you capable of caring for others for their own sake was never developed or hidden away to protect yourself in childhood.

DP.. I figured out what OP's problem is... OP is a narcissist.

How can you only love your kids "sometimes", and think they are not worth that love?

It means you only love them when it's probably easy to love them, and even that moment is not worth having kids.

You don't really love them, which is obviously incredibly sad.

Your problem is that you are a narcissist. It's all about *you*.

You are correct that you should never have had any children. Narcissists really shouldn't. But, it's too late now, and I would suggest you get therapy for your narcissim. I 100% think that your kids will need therapy in the future for having a narcissistic parent.

And I'm a PP who stated that I don't really enjoy all aspects of parenting, and never thought about having kids myself. I firmly believe women can be happy without kids, but OP's issue is that she is a narcissist, not that she doesn't like kids. OP may even be anti-social. I know several women who don't like kids, but love theirs unconditionally, including myself. But, narcissists cannot love anyone but themselves, and even the love they *sometimes* have is conditional, and as a PP noted, transactional.

I don't think OP or her grandmothers were depressed. I think they had a mental condition.

I am not a narcissist. My dad is. You have no idea.

I don't like kids and have said that. I'm not antisocial and I've been in love. I don't like large groups but I like close relationships. I know far more about narcs than you.

Let me understand...

Your dad is a narcissist.
Your grandmothers also hated having kids; presumably, one was the mother to your narcissistic father.

You have a family history of mental health issues. You need therapy.

I'm the PP who also wrote that if your kids were a product of rape, then it's understandable how you don't really love them. You said you only love them "sometimes", but you can't love someone only "sometimes". That's a completely narcissistic way of loving someone.

You can feel a rush of love sometimes and not other times. But no, I don't love them like I love a sibling. I love him no matter what. I used to say I love my kids no matter what but I don't think that is really the case. Sometimes I am too angry at the circumstances to feel that love.

Almost every parent would describe the reverse of what you describe (siblings vs kids). This is a narcissistic way of loving someone. You do need help.

agree

[Anonymous]

OP I feel like your kids could vanish tomorrow and you would still be extremely unhappy. They are a convenient recipient of your dissatisfaction (I actually typed fury first but fury implies a depth of feeling you have not expressed).

I feel like with or without kids you are the kind of person who gets pushed down and perhaps just...sits there. And that is a personality issue that has been exacerbated by the legitimate trauma you have experienced, but is not entirely a result of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

The answer to your question depends on what you don't like about parenting. You haven't been able to articulate that, aside from saying you view the whole thing as a waste of time and you would rather be working.

If it's the demands on your time that you don't like, then of course you will enjoy your children more as adults when they no longer require caregiving. If it's that you don't like kids, then of course you will like them better when they aren't kids anymore.

But, your resentment of them for stealing the life you wanted is not going to go away, and that seems like the bigger issue. You are never going to "enjoy" your kids, as adults or otherwise, if you keep resenting them for something completely outside of their control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

The answer to your question depends on what you don't like about parenting. You haven't been able to articulate that, aside from saying you view the whole thing as a waste of time and you would rather be working.

If it's the demands on your time that you don't like, then of course you will enjoy your children more as adults when they no longer require caregiving. If it's that you don't like kids, then of course you will like them better when they aren't kids anymore.

But, your resentment of them for stealing the life you wanted is not going to go away, and that seems like the bigger issue. You are never going to "enjoy" your kids, as adults or otherwise, if you keep resenting them for something completely outside of their control.

This is perfectly articulated. There is your answer framed and delivered OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you on DCUM? you don’t strike me as someone that’s looking to connect with other parents or get advice about kids and nannies and such. what are you hoping to get out of this post. I think this is a man and a troll. If it’s not please please get help asap. It’s normal to be frustrated with your kids from time to time but what you’re describing is so awful and devastating for these poor kids. You need therapy not DCUM.

I wanted to know if it gets better as kids are adults if someone did not enjoy parenting. I literally said that in the post. I am a woman and this is my real life.

Ok. It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around. I truly hope you are able to get some real help and find peace. Maybe even joy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

No one has answered because there are virtually no people who get to year 10 of parenting that feel like you feel. There are people who don't like certain parts of parenting, there are people who feel resentment because they have kids but they still love their kids, but what YOU describe points to a person in a mental health crisis.

People are saying that for YOU, with these problems and your outlook on life, it will not get better, because life is not just about things magically getting better. You have to make them better.

It will get better when your kids get older and more independent and drift from you. And you can become a distant mother and not interact with grandchildren if you don't want.

I'm going to give you a different piece of advice OP, since you clearly aren't really interested in fixing yourself. Get your kids in therapy, and explain these thoughts you have to their therapists. So your children can figure out how to grapple with having a parent like you in a healthy way. I grew up in a very privileged home, my childhood was 'so much better than my parents' and yet, all the money in the world can't buy you emotionally stable parents. And unfortunately kids need that a lot more than they need whatever it is you're buying for them.

So no, your situation will not improve but again, it is because you seem committed to doing literally nothing to improve it.

I am not having a mental health crisis. This is how I feel every day. I survive. That is it. It's drudgery but it is what it is. A mental health crisis is sudden and drastic and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I am not depressed. I was just hoping someone would say, "yeah, I did not particularly like parenting but I enjoy having adult kids."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

No one has answered because there are virtually no people who get to year 10 of parenting that feel like you feel. There are people who don't like certain parts of parenting, there are people who feel resentment because they have kids but they still love their kids, but what YOU describe points to a person in a mental health crisis.

People are saying that for YOU, with these problems and your outlook on life, it will not get better, because life is not just about things magically getting better. You have to make them better.

It will get better when your kids get older and more independent and drift from you. And you can become a distant mother and not interact with grandchildren if you don't want.

I'm going to give you a different piece of advice OP, since you clearly aren't really interested in fixing yourself. Get your kids in therapy, and explain these thoughts you have to their therapists. So your children can figure out how to grapple with having a parent like you in a healthy way. I grew up in a very privileged home, my childhood was 'so much better than my parents' and yet, all the money in the world can't buy you emotionally stable parents. And unfortunately kids need that a lot more than they need whatever it is you're buying for them.

So no, your situation will not improve but again, it is because you seem committed to doing literally nothing to improve it.

I am not having a mental health crisis. This is how I feel every day. I survive. That is it. It's drudgery but it is what it is. A mental health crisis is sudden and drastic and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I am not depressed. I was just hoping someone would say, "yeah, I did not particularly like parenting but I enjoy having adult kids."

OP I respect your need to shout this into the void. I’m sure you’re not the only mom who feels this way either. Most moms here probably don’t have adult kids, but I bet there’s a real chance it will feel differently when they are adults.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

No one has answered because there are virtually no people who get to year 10 of parenting that feel like you feel. There are people who don't like certain parts of parenting, there are people who feel resentment because they have kids but they still love their kids, but what YOU describe points to a person in a mental health crisis.

People are saying that for YOU, with these problems and your outlook on life, it will not get better, because life is not just about things magically getting better. You have to make them better.

It will get better when your kids get older and more independent and drift from you. And you can become a distant mother and not interact with grandchildren if you don't want.

I'm going to give you a different piece of advice OP, since you clearly aren't really interested in fixing yourself. Get your kids in therapy, and explain these thoughts you have to their therapists. So your children can figure out how to grapple with having a parent like you in a healthy way. I grew up in a very privileged home, my childhood was 'so much better than my parents' and yet, all the money in the world can't buy you emotionally stable parents. And unfortunately kids need that a lot more than they need whatever it is you're buying for them.

So no, your situation will not improve but again, it is because you seem committed to doing literally nothing to improve it.

I am not having a mental health crisis. This is how I feel every day. I survive. That is it. It's drudgery but it is what it is. A mental health crisis is sudden and drastic and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I am not depressed. I was just hoping someone would say, "yeah, I did not particularly like parenting but I enjoy having adult kids."

Being depressed for 10 years and being unable to have a constant love an attachment to children entering double digits is in fact a mental health crisis. It sounds like its been doing on for a very long time.

I know what you were hoping for, but instead you are getting a chorus of people saying your mindset is extremely troubling and abnormal and suggesting you need a medical intervention. You are saying 'you guys are crazy' because you have existed this way for so long you don't recognize the harm and critical nature of the crisis. You're a frog in a hot pot OP. Maybe it will never actually boil, but its close, and its certainly not going to get any cooler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

OK OP, I will give it to you straight. I do not think you will enjoy your kids as an adult because you sound absolutely miserable and joyless. Furthermore, you refuse to get yourself into therapy and constantly just point out why certain options suck.

NO ONE believes your life sucks but you. Sucky things have happened to you. That is NOT the same thing as your life sucking. You are conflating the two. There is a TON of therapy that can help you but you are absolutely wed to the idea that it won't.

Like you said your whole attitude is "it is what it is and I just have to deal with it". But you can choose to change your belief. You can choose to try on "it is what it is and I am going to do something about it now. I can't change the past but I choose to have faith in the present,"

I can't do anything about it now. I can't get years back. I can't do whatever I want. I have kids and they take over your life in a way that can't be undone. There is no way out of this situation...there is not something I can do about it to change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

No one has answered because there are virtually no people who get to year 10 of parenting that feel like you feel. There are people who don't like certain parts of parenting, there are people who feel resentment because they have kids but they still love their kids, but what YOU describe points to a person in a mental health crisis.

People are saying that for YOU, with these problems and your outlook on life, it will not get better, because life is not just about things magically getting better. You have to make them better.

It will get better when your kids get older and more independent and drift from you. And you can become a distant mother and not interact with grandchildren if you don't want.

I'm going to give you a different piece of advice OP, since you clearly aren't really interested in fixing yourself. Get your kids in therapy, and explain these thoughts you have to their therapists. So your children can figure out how to grapple with having a parent like you in a healthy way. I grew up in a very privileged home, my childhood was 'so much better than my parents' and yet, all the money in the world can't buy you emotionally stable parents. And unfortunately kids need that a lot more than they need whatever it is you're buying for them.

So no, your situation will not improve but again, it is because you seem committed to doing literally nothing to improve it.

I am not having a mental health crisis. This is how I feel every day. I survive. That is it. It's drudgery but it is what it is. A mental health crisis is sudden and drastic and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I am not depressed. I was just hoping someone would say, "yeah, I did not particularly like parenting but I enjoy having adult kids."

Being depressed for 10 years and being unable to have a constant love an attachment to children entering double digits is in fact a mental health crisis. It sounds like its been doing on for a very long time.

I know what you were hoping for, but instead you are getting a chorus of people saying your mindset is extremely troubling and abnormal and suggesting you need a medical intervention. You are saying 'you guys are crazy' because you have existed this way for so long you don't recognize the harm and critical nature of the crisis. You're a frog in a hot pot OP. Maybe it will never actually boil, but its close, and its certainly not going to get any cooler.

I am not depressed. I know what depression is. This is not depression. It's not a mental health crisis. People are beginning to understand that a lot of women don't want children...well, I felt this way many years ago, which was unacceptable for many to believe. I am simply the reality of what happens when people have kids that they don't want. They don't enjoy it. They don't change their mind. It is okay not to want kids. Unfortunately, I got myself into a situation in which the last thing I wanted (and I was vocal about it and there was a no kids agreement) became my reality. I'm not depressed. I am just being honest about how I truly feel on an anonymous board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Do you love your children?

Sometimes. Not worth it.

I'm getting the sense from your responses that you view love as transactional. But most people would say that relationships are transformational . . . the act of loving makes us happier (because creating joy in others creates joy in ourselves -- we are all connected). It's not just about receiving love.

It sounds like the part of you capable of caring for others for their own sake was never developed or hidden away to protect yourself in childhood.

DP.. I figured out what OP's problem is... OP is a narcissist.

How can you only love your kids "sometimes", and think they are not worth that love?

It means you only love them when it's probably easy to love them, and even that moment is not worth having kids.

You don't really love them, which is obviously incredibly sad.

Your problem is that you are a narcissist. It's all about *you*.

You are correct that you should never have had any children. Narcissists really shouldn't. But, it's too late now, and I would suggest you get therapy for your narcissim. I 100% think that your kids will need therapy in the future for having a narcissistic parent.

And I'm a PP who stated that I don't really enjoy all aspects of parenting, and never thought about having kids myself. I firmly believe women can be happy without kids, but OP's issue is that she is a narcissist, not that she doesn't like kids. OP may even be anti-social. I know several women who don't like kids, but love theirs unconditionally, including myself. But, narcissists cannot love anyone but themselves, and even the love they *sometimes* have is conditional, and as a PP noted, transactional.

I don't think OP or her grandmothers were depressed. I think they had a mental condition.

I am not a narcissist. My dad is. You have no idea.

I don't like kids and have said that. I'm not antisocial and I've been in love. I don't like large groups but I like close relationships. I know far more about narcs than you.

Let me understand...

Your dad is a narcissist.
Your grandmothers also hated having kids; presumably, one was the mother to your narcissistic father.

You have a family history of mental health issues. You need therapy.

I'm the PP who also wrote that if your kids were a product of rape, then it's understandable how you don't really love them. You said you only love them "sometimes", but you can't love someone only "sometimes". That's a completely narcissistic way of loving someone.

You can feel a rush of love sometimes and not other times. But no, I don't love them like I love a sibling. I love him no matter what. I used to say I love my kids no matter what but I don't think that is really the case. Sometimes I am too angry at the circumstances to feel that love.

Almost every parent would describe the reverse of what you describe (siblings vs kids). This is a narcissistic way of loving someone. You do need help.

agree

I raised my sibling. That sibling was not forced upon me. It's different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel like your kids could vanish tomorrow and you would still be extremely unhappy. They are a convenient recipient of your dissatisfaction (I actually typed fury first but fury implies a depth of feeling you have not expressed).

I feel like with or without kids you are the kind of person who gets pushed down and perhaps just...sits there. And that is a personality issue that has been exacerbated by the legitimate trauma you have experienced, but is not entirely a result of it.

I am absolutely not that kind of person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

They are not comfortable with him. I am the preferred parent. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting. Literally ZERO.

That still would not solve the problem. I've already wasted 10 years into this nonsense and I can't fix the trajectory. Him having the kids only would not improve anything and in fact, make it worse.

I wanted to know if people could enjoy kids as adults if they did not like parenting. So far, no one really has that answer. That was the point of the post. I know my life sucks so I don't need more piling on. Be fortunate that you did not have circumstances take your life in a direction you absolutely did not want and then have to deal with the lifelong consequences. There is no "coping" or "therapy" that can fix that. It is what it is and I just have to deal with it.

OK OP, I will give it to you straight. I do not think you will enjoy your kids as an adult because you sound absolutely miserable and joyless. Furthermore, you refuse to get yourself into therapy and constantly just point out why certain options suck.

NO ONE believes your life sucks but you. Sucky things have happened to you. That is NOT the same thing as your life sucking. You are conflating the two. There is a TON of therapy that can help you but you are absolutely wed to the idea that it won't.

Like you said your whole attitude is "it is what it is and I just have to deal with it". But you can choose to change your belief. You can choose to try on "it is what it is and I am going to do something about it now. I can't change the past but I choose to have faith in the present,"

I can't do anything about it now. I can't get years back. I can't do whatever I want. I have kids and they take over your life in a way that can't be undone. There is no way out of this situation...there is not something I can do about it to change it.

Wow, if this is what you choose as your reality then you are doomed. The thing is I don’t even think you are choosing it because you haven’t processed and healed enough if your trauma to have awareness that there is choice here.

To be honest anyone could think what you wrote out about any situation in their life that they don’t like. What separates the people who are stuck in this mindset versus those who become healed and free from it has everything to do with how much help and support they have access to and get themselves, and nothing to do with changing the past.

Anyway, numerous people have responded to your statements in different way. All offering you different perspectives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Do you love your children?

Sometimes. Not worth it.

I'm getting the sense from your responses that you view love as transactional. But most people would say that relationships are transformational . . . the act of loving makes us happier (because creating joy in others creates joy in ourselves -- we are all connected). It's not just about receiving love.

It sounds like the part of you capable of caring for others for their own sake was never developed or hidden away to protect yourself in childhood.

DP.. I figured out what OP's problem is... OP is a narcissist.

How can you only love your kids "sometimes", and think they are not worth that love?

It means you only love them when it's probably easy to love them, and even that moment is not worth having kids.

You don't really love them, which is obviously incredibly sad.

Your problem is that you are a narcissist. It's all about *you*.

You are correct that you should never have had any children. Narcissists really shouldn't. But, it's too late now, and I would suggest you get therapy for your narcissim. I 100% think that your kids will need therapy in the future for having a narcissistic parent.

And I'm a PP who stated that I don't really enjoy all aspects of parenting, and never thought about having kids myself. I firmly believe women can be happy without kids, but OP's issue is that she is a narcissist, not that she doesn't like kids. OP may even be anti-social. I know several women who don't like kids, but love theirs unconditionally, including myself. But, narcissists cannot love anyone but themselves, and even the love they *sometimes* have is conditional, and as a PP noted, transactional.

I don't think OP or her grandmothers were depressed. I think they had a mental condition.

I am not a narcissist. My dad is. You have no idea.

I don't like kids and have said that. I'm not antisocial and I've been in love. I don't like large groups but I like close relationships. I know far more about narcs than you.

Let me understand...

Your dad is a narcissist.
Your grandmothers also hated having kids; presumably, one was the mother to your narcissistic father.

You have a family history of mental health issues. You need therapy.

I'm the PP who also wrote that if your kids were a product of rape, then it's understandable how you don't really love them. You said you only love them "sometimes", but you can't love someone only "sometimes". That's a completely narcissistic way of loving someone.

You can feel a rush of love sometimes and not other times. But no, I don't love them like I love a sibling. I love him no matter what. I used to say I love my kids no matter what but I don't think that is really the case. Sometimes I am too angry at the circumstances to feel that love.

Almost every parent would describe the reverse of what you describe (siblings vs kids). This is a narcissistic way of loving someone. You do need help.

agree

I raised my sibling. That sibling was not forced upon me. It's different.

If you raised your sibling, they were indeed forced upon you. But you did not resent their existence, for whatever reason. Again, you have a serious problem with your attachment to your kids and despite what you believe about them being fine, you are likely doing very harsh damage you aren't even aware of. There is no way someone can type the posts you have here and be a good enough actress for their kids to not pick up on it.

You seem committed to your martyr status, but you are NOT doing right by your kids by allowing this dynamic to persist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Love in and of itself is a huge positive. Having the opportunity to love and be loved is a great blessing.

OP, do you think you held yourself back from bonding with the kids because of not wanting them? Or do you think you struggle with the capacity to care for others in general?

I am an extremely introverted person and I don’t like groups of any kind. I don’t like dealing with families; I don’t like dealing with groups of friends; I don’t like dealing with church; I don’t like dealing with any types of celebrations or anything and I’ve been like this my whole life. I like working… and that’s it. Don’t like being around groups of people. Being around people exhaust me. It’s the endless need to do all these things with kids that really gets to me. Cool Play dates, the parties, the stupid graduation things— I don’t wanna do any of that. I didn’t wanna do it myself and now I have to repeat it. Can’t stand it.

NP and this part of your post resonated with me and I feel the same way although maybe not quite as introverted. The noise from the kids really grates on me, it's like sensory overload. I'm just holding out until they are teenagers and will only want to hang out with their friends and not me. Another suggestion is to get a WFH job or at least an easier job so you can have some down time to decompress. Maybe even send the kids to sleepaway camp during the summer to get a break?