Tell me about adoption
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Anonymous
New responder to this part of the thread and yes, I think it is reasonable for the grandparents to come to you home or pick up their grandchild, referring only to the one child as their grandchild and treating the others with simple kindness and politeness and cordiality, but not as grandparents. It would be similar if your husband had been married before you and his wife had died. You’ve married him years later and you now have more children together. Your husband’s first child is their grandchild. Your children can k with that their oldest child has an extra set of grandparents because she had a first mother before you. They are your oldest child’s relatives. The difference here is that it was your choice to adopt a child and to have bio children so of course they are all your children. But the bio grandparents haven’t had more grandchildren. My brother died 10 years ago. If his widow got married now and had babies, they wouldn’t be my nephews. I’d be kind to them and show interest in them because they would be my nephew’s siblings, but I wouldn’t expect my sister in law to let them come visit us or come to our extended family functions. That just makes sense to me. |
Anonymous
This last bit simply isn't true in all cases. We adopted DD from foster care having been her foster parents for two years. Our adoption-related travel costs were perhaps $1,500. Infact we received a stipend of about $12K a year, for two years, while we all waited for the adoption to be finalized. We didn't ask for the money and it wasn't a factor in our decision to be foster parents or to adopt from foster care. Even now, post-adoption, Medicaid is DD's primary health insurance. And if DD chooses to go to a state college in the state she was in foster care, her college tuition is waived. |
Anonymous
| To clarify our total costs associated with adoption from foster care were $1,500. And this was for travel for three people to the family court to finalize the adoption. (Roundtrip flights were required). But these were our only costs. |
Anonymous
But that is not what 99.99% of domestic infant adoptions are about. It’s about finding infants and making them available to the parents who are able to pay for them and want them. To make such babies available, a while industry with PR people and “counselors” are set on a marketing strategy to convince vulnerable young women, the vast majority of whom are in poverty, that the child would be better off with someone else. They take young women who may come from trauma themselves, who may have little resources and no social safety net, and they offer temporary security and emotional sustenance. Rent payments. Health care. Clothing. Regular calls reassuring her that she is doing the right thing, that she is special, that she is strong, that she is showing the bravest love possible by giving up her baby. And all do her natural instincts to want to mother her baby are selfish and foolish and immature. There is no promise for housing for her and her baby. There are few social supports. Waiting lists for housing are years long. Child care subsidies are nonexistent in some areas. Instead of providing support and resources and guidance for those women, the adoption industry preys upon their vulnerabilities and convinces them that the desire to keep their baby is deeply wrong, and they paradise and reward the good, unselfish girl who hands over her baby, even allows the adoptees to be there for the birth. And if after she gives birth, she needs more time with her baby, or she cannot let him go, the vultures descend with threats of legal action, financial claims, reminders of how crushed and hurt the hopeful adopters would be, and after all the help they’ve provided though the pregnancy, how could she who is not worthy of motherhood be so selfish? So she lets them take the baby. And then BOOM, is cut off. No more help. No more praise. No more check ins and emotional sustenance. Now she has an empty womb and a broken heart and no legal recourse to get her baby. In some states, consent to relinquish can be given on the same day the women gives birth! Most states require no counseling for mothers considering relinquishment, but those that do allow the counseling to be done by the agency placing the child for adoption…obviously not counseling in the best interests of the mother. In some states, consent can be revoked for 10 days. Some states like Kansas allow an agency to secure consent from the hospital bed just 12 hours after birth, and there is NO revocation period. The legal claim of the mother is irrevocably severed unless she can petition the court and offer proof that her consent was under duress. Of course she would have to pay for her own legal counsels up against an agency’s army of lawyers to fight her. |
Anonymous
I don't think you either understood my post or the sequence of posts regarding elitism. I'm discussing the "baby" adoption industry and the upside down privilege system, i e., women with resources vs women without. Your example is a foster care issue, quite different from early infant adoption, and we aren't really discussing the individual costs in adoption, that's quite another issue. We are discussing the economics and culture behind the adoption industry per se. |
Anonymous
It probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else. In fact, it's pretty messed up, and really super sad. I can't imagine grandparents singling out only their biological grandchildren, and excluding adopted grandchildren or even step grandchildren. BTW- there is a whole different thread on this. You might want to read that. |
Anonymous
+1. It’s crucial for people who adopt to understand this. |
Anonymous
That's not how DNA tests work. I found my entire biology family, parents, siblings, by matching with a fourth cousin. The rest took about 15 minutes (!) and some Ancestry records. That fast. And yes, eventually DNA will dominate all adoptions, health issues, etc. |
Anonymous
That was 100% your choice to go looking. However, a 4th cousin isn't very meaningful if family isn't close or in contact. DNA is great for those who want to look/registered but its a personal choice to do so. These rant posts are silly to discourage someone from adopting. There are all kids of adoptions for all kinds of reasons. |
Anonymous
My parents exclude their grandchildren and prefer their partner's grandchild. It happens. |
Anonymous
You might not understand my explanation about DNA and finding family. You mentioned that the specific people have to be tested or registered online. What I'm explaining is that no, they do not. They dont ever have to have their DNA done or ever be online. They can even be dead. Connecting a match with a 4th cousin leads directly to online public records- census, death, marriage, family trees, and a million other things. I never even spoke to 4th cousin and they had zero to do with it. One just needs a "hit." Yes, it was my choice to go looking and learned what I needed to know, but, on their own, my siblings did it for fun later than I did- never imagining anyone would pop up that they didn't know. And they didn't know. Adoptions are very much cloaked in secrecy. That is a really common event now. You seem unfamiliar about how DNA has changed the landscape entirely. Adoptee advocates have offices in all international countries helping to find biological families everywhere- they use DNA and records. Usually they find some distant relative and move from there. |
Anonymous
Listen, no one is ranting or even anti adoption here. The concept and practice, much like many other societal and sociological issues is now observed with a current lens- a lens that takes in consideration the systemic issues associated with adoption that were never considered before. All is not what it seems, there are lots of complexities, the rules have changed, adoptees have organized in a very big way, and all this should put out on the table...which I believe what was being asked. |
Anonymous
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New responder to this part of the thread and yes, I think it is reasonable for the grandparents to come to you home or pick up their grandchild, referring only to the one child as their grandchild and treating the others with simple kindness and politeness and cordiality, but not as grandparents. It would be similar if your husband had been married before you and his wife had died. You’ve married him years later and you now have more children together. Your husband’s first child is their grandchild. Your children can k with that their oldest child has an extra set of grandparents because she had a first mother before you. They are your oldest child’s relatives. The difference here is that it was your choice to adopt a child and to have bio children so of course they are all your children. But the bio grandparents haven’t had more grandchildren. My brother died 10 years ago. If his widow got married now and had babies, they wouldn’t be my nephews. I’d be kind to them and show interest in them because they would be my nephew’s siblings, but I wouldn’t expect my sister in law to let them come visit us or come to our extended family functions. That just makes sense to me. It probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else. In fact, it's pretty messed up, and really super sad. I can't imagine grandparents singling out only their biological grandchildren, and excluding adopted grandchildren or even step grandchildren. BTW- there is a whole different thread on this. You might want to read that. Agree. So PP thinks it is OK for biological grandparents to single out ONLY their biologically-related child for a relationship? If that's the case then the biological grandparents of the biological child(ren) in the family should be able to exclude the ADOPTED child? Of course not. But PP is saying that it's OK for the birth family of adoptee to do so. See how that works... Adoptive family: Larla (bio child) and Larlo (adoptee) are our children. We all celebrate birthdays together. Birth family: Larlo (adoptee) is our child. We will take him out and celebrate his birthday but Larla stays home because she is not "ours." PP is saying it's acceptable for people to do that. That's just nuts. It shows how complex and problematic some open adoption scenarios can be and the fact there have been NO long-term studies on how this affects adoptees, bio children in the family, both sets of parents and families. |
Anonymous
New responder to this part of the thread and yes, I think it is reasonable for the grandparents to come to you home or pick up their grandchild, referring only to the one child as their grandchild and treating the others with simple kindness and politeness and cordiality, but not as grandparents. It would be similar if your husband had been married before you and his wife had died. You’ve married him years later and you now have more children together. Your husband’s first child is their grandchild. Your children can k with that their oldest child has an extra set of grandparents because she had a first mother before you. They are your oldest child’s relatives. The difference here is that it was your choice to adopt a child and to have bio children so of course they are all your children. But the bio grandparents haven’t had more grandchildren. My brother died 10 years ago. If his widow got married now and had babies, they wouldn’t be my nephews. I’d be kind to them and show interest in them because they would be my nephew’s siblings, but I wouldn’t expect my sister in law to let them come visit us or come to our extended family functions. That just makes sense to me. It probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else. In fact, it's pretty messed up, and really super sad. I can't imagine grandparents singling out only their biological grandchildren, and excluding adopted grandchildren or even step grandchildren. BTW- there is a whole different thread on this. You might want to read that. Agree. So PP thinks it is OK for biological grandparents to single out ONLY their biologically-related child for a relationship? If that's the case then the biological grandparents of the biological child(ren) in the family should be able to exclude the ADOPTED child? Of course not. But PP is saying that it's OK for the birth family of adoptee to do so. See how that works... Adoptive family: Larla (bio child) and Larlo (adoptee) are our children. We all celebrate birthdays together. Birth family: Larlo (adoptee) is our child. We will take him out and celebrate his birthday but Larla stays home because she is not "ours." PP is saying it's acceptable for people to do that. That's just nuts. It shows how complex and problematic some open adoption scenarios can be and the fact there have been NO long-term studies on how this affects adoptees, bio children in the family, both sets of parents and families. |
Anonymous
It probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else. In fact, it's pretty messed up, and really super sad. I can't imagine grandparents singling out only their biological grandchildren, and excluding adopted grandchildren or even step grandchildren. BTW- there is a whole different thread on this. You might want to read that. Agree. So PP thinks it is OK for biological grandparents to single out ONLY their biologically-related child for a relationship? If that's the case then the biological grandparents of the biological child(ren) in the family should be able to exclude the ADOPTED child? Of course not. But PP is saying that it's OK for the birth family of adoptee to do so. See how that works... Adoptive family: Larla (bio child) and Larlo (adoptee) are our children. We all celebrate birthdays together. Birth family: Larlo (adoptee) is our child. We will take him out and celebrate his birthday but Larla stays home because she is not "ours." PP is saying it's acceptable for people to do that. That's just nuts. It shows how complex and problematic some open adoption scenarios can be and the fact there have been NO long-term studies on how this affects adoptees, bio children in the family, both sets of parents and families. Imagine the psychological effects on the bio children in the family. It would be sadly ironic if some day the bio children said, "I wish I were adopted. Larlo has two moms and dads and gets two birthday celebrations. I only get one!" |