Why are some girls so lucky in love and others struggle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

Omg. It’s that description from Gone Girl.

[Anonymous]

I am 40, and have been married a long time, since 25. Met DH when I was 23.

Based on what I have seen in this thread, I agree with lots of it, based on what I have seen over the years with my former classmates, neighbors, relatives, friends etc. At least as far as getting married, having kids, having a home in a good area etc.

Know that no one's life is perfect. Mine is great but I wouldn't call it perfect. I have lots of friends similarly situated to me and many would call our lives picture perfect but everyone has struggles.

This said, about being single versus married,

--Living together before marriage has seemed a dead-end for a number of women I've seen. They break up and lose several prime years. No "spark" or excitement for the man to propose.

--Good quality men get taken off the dating market by 40. Past 40, if they are never-married, it's very unlikely they propose.

--My own DH is from a small town part of the country where people get married much earlier than DC, and was in his 30s (several years older than me) when proposed. Though I was not "looking" for marriage at the time we had a great relationship and those factors I'm sure weighed in. (Hometown friends already married or getting married -- that makes it more likely a man will propose.)

--Certainly girls who are pretty, slender, smart, agreeable, charming get more attention and have more options.

--Other factors include financial stability (for marriage, debt student loans or bad spending practices can be a deal breaker for men and women) and having a nice family.

--Height helps being "marriage material" for a lot of men as they want tall offspring. But shorter girls will get more attention for dating. Both have advantages and disadvantages.


Another big factor is women who have narrow categories of boxes to tick (such as income levels of only a tiny percentage of men in the area, with high numbers of women competing for those same men) which are basically their way of saying they plan to end up alone. Rather than have chemistry with a good quality man and have children and build a life together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

Omg. It’s that description from Gone Girl.

Yes you are right! Cool girl. Who then turns into a murderer, ha.

I got one of those good quality guys and I’m argumentative and make plenty of drama. I’m very passionate about things and I’m not shy about proving others wrong. This doesn’t mean I’m selfish, entitled, or egotistical. It’s just my personality and there is nothing wrong with it. (I have other flaws I’m working on though for sure!)

Don’t hide your light, ladies. Be yourself!

[Anonymous]

Being a quick decision maker and emotionally balanced. For a woman.

[Anonymous]

I am a 45 year old man and know many wonderful women around my age who never married. My observation: they wasted their prime date years (23-29) in dead end relationships or in relationships they thought were worthwhile but the guy never committed.

The dating market thins out in your early to mid 30s and I know no eligible men still single by 40 (who are never married and no kids, I know some good men who are divorced with kids).

A lot of it is luck. Marriage isn't the be all and end all but if you want kids it is a good and stable institution to raise them in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 45 year old man and know many wonderful women around my age who never married. My observation: they wasted their prime date years (23-29) in dead end relationships or in relationships they thought were worthwhile but the guy never committed.

The dating market thins out in your early to mid 30s and I know no eligible men still single by 40 (who are never married and no kids, I know some good men who are divorced with kids).

A lot of it is luck. Marriage isn't the be all and end all but if you want kids it is a good and stable institution to raise them in.

Oh s**t. A guy who knows what’s up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a 45 year old man and know many wonderful women around my age who never married. My observation: they wasted their prime date years (23-29) in dead end relationships or in relationships they thought were worthwhile but the guy never committed.

The dating market thins out in your early to mid 30s and I know no eligible men still single by 40 (who are never married and no kids, I know some good men who are divorced with kids).

A lot of it is luck. Marriage isn't the be all and end all but if you want kids it is a good and stable institution to raise them in.

I posted earlier and agree with this. I have heard it said that if a man hasn't proposed within two years, move on. My DH proposed after 1 year together which is the minimum standard benchmark.

Being together 2+ years without a proposal, seems dead end relationship to me from what I have seen with other women.

Agree too that marriage isn't the be all end all and it is not non stop romance all the time. There is work but its stable financially and to have a happy home to raise kids together.

[Anonymous]

I mean there are people who are truly unlucky, like the op with her boyfriend passing away.

Then there are people who have unreasonable Standards (I’m not talking about high, I’m talking about unreasonable), or those who don’t put any effort into finding someone or working on themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.

If true, it underscores that being a wife is a job that some women are better suited for than others. Let's be honest about the work it entails, though, and caution women to be aware of what they are being paid for doing it. Marriage is not the "prize" for winning a beauty contest.

PP here. I'd also say that women in happy marriages or married to "good quality guys" possess certain traits.

- no ego. These girls are again, feminine in their disposition in that they naturally know to turn the spotlight on their BF early on and let him take the lead. By doing this they build him up and he, in turn, builds her up by giving her gf privileges and eventually marriage and children and financial support.

- not argumentative. They are chill and go with the flow. Not super demanding. Guys do not like girls who throw a fit and can't be pleased.

- no drama. levelheaded and mature.

Marriage involves sacrifice, humility and putting your husband and children first. Its not about ME its about US.

Selfish, entitled and egotistical people, men and women, are weeded out early by the marriageable types who gravitate towards each other.

I dunno, this sounds like it's about HIM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Women today have really changed for the worst of all making love very difficult to find for so many of us single guys today. And back in the old days love was much easier to find since the great majority of women back then were very old fashioned and real ladies, which now most women are real narcissists and feminists .

What do you mean old fashioned? Like, they would cook and clean for men without question and get married to whoever offered because that was their only chance at financial stability? Whereas women today can earn money on their own so they can opt out of marriage if it involves taking care of a mediocre guy like he is a child?

Except the “old fashioned” standards expected men to be able to fully provide for his wife and family— women definitely did not marry “whoever offered”. The same men who post here yelling about feminism are posting on other threads saying women shouldn’t care how money men make.

Ha okay not "whoever offered" but your typical woman certainly couldn't have much in the way of standards because if you weren't married by the age of 23 or so, you were in trouble.

I think it very much depended on family of origin but there was much, much less of the nonsense of men saying they didn’t want to be assessed on their ambitions and earning potential— prospective husbands had to basically lay out the finances for their prospective father in laws judgement because marrying a poor man was a one way ticket to poverty. All of the things that men complain about being measured against now were the very baseline expectations historically. Meanwhile no one ever thinks women should stop being judged on our looks…

[Anonymous]

Many of us single guys were definitely very extremely cursed by God to remain single and alone when it wasn't even our choice at all either. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

My opinion may be controversial, but I think it is easier for men to find a woman that loves them regardless of their attractiveness versus vice versa.I have so many friends that are not attractive and not even the most emotionally caring partners yet they luck out with women honestly they should feel lucky they even spoke to them. Now the modern apps are designed to make women be the ones that drive the dating market, but there is a catch to it. On these apps its the same set of guys that get all the likes and they are chased by a much bigger pool of women. As a result, potentially eligible men never get any likes and give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've wondered the same thing myself.

I have several friends who should probably teach a master class in "how not to be single". They have all basically always had boyfriends or husbands - like they went straight from the high school boyfriend to the college boyfriend to the post-college dude to the husband. And if they divorced, they found someone else right away. I assume it's a combination of luck and possibly putting up with things I wouldn't. Like the things that might make me break up aren't an issue for them. Or they're finding the next guy before breaking up. I think in general, they are also relatively easygoing personalities and they are reasonably attractive women who aren't super hot, but kind of girl-next-door types. I assume the combo if "attractive enough" and "easygoing" are pretty desirable to dudes.

(my most attractive friends seem to have some trouble in love - I think maybe it's harder to break through the noise of so much male attention to find the right guy.)

I'm not really like that. When I'm done with someone, I'm done. I break up, take lots of time as a single person, and then eventually find someone else - maybe. I've never been married and sometimes go years between relationships. But I have good relationships with family and lots of friends, so I don't think it's really any sort of "issue" per se.

This is an interesting observation. I do think some women are just relationship-prone. Same with men. Some people just don't really do single, and if the break up with someone, they'll start looking for someone instantly. I know a couple widows/widowers who were the same. Mourning period but then almost instantly in long-term relationships.

I'm married, but I'm like you. I don't mind being single at all. I am one of those people who met my spouse when I wasn't looking. Met him at a party when he'd just gotten out of a relationship, instant attraction. But it took me two years to move in and five to marry him because I'm just very independent. I had friends who were like "lock him down! He's a catch!" but it's not about that -- I love him but I would have been okay alone too.

It's just different dispositions. When I was single, I didn't think of myself as unlucky in love. I just wasn't going to waste my time with anyone unless it felt just right. So I walked away from guys who wanted relationships and took breaks from dating if it didn't feel like it was meeting my expectations.

People on DCUM will say I'm too picky and demanding and must make my DH miserable but nope. He appreciates how independent and self-sufficient I am. We're very happy, have a kid, never fight. I respect his independence too. We're raising a confident kid who knows her own mind and is social but doesn't mind being in her own. It takes all kinds but I like our way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The happiest, luckiest couples I know have a really great friendship first and foremost. A real friendship, based on fun, common interests, actually being interested in the other person, etc.

Agree with this. Though I think flexibility is important too because sometimes people's priorities interests and priorities change over time. DH and I had perfectly aligned interests when we met and married. We've both shifted a bit over time, but it's okay. We still have core interests in common, but we also let one another grow and evolve and don't insist it always be in lock step.

[Anonymous]

From a statistical standpoint some women are bound to be single, especially now with the big number of men dying of suicide in their 30s/40s and/or stuck in the opioid addiction loop.