Why are some girls so lucky in love and others struggle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think luck is often involved such as being in the right place at the right time, but I also think for some it is a deliberate effort. There are women who date, and then there are women who date to marry. It's kind of like people who go to college unsure of what they want to major in and what career they want versus people who know before they even step onto campus that they want to become a doctor or lawyer. Their motivation and journey are very different.

I think you are at a point in your life where you now want to date to marry. I would begin my writing down a list of not only the qualities you want in a husband and partner, but also what kind of life do you want: kids? city/suburbs? working full time/part time/ SAHM? That can further help you figure out what you want/need in a husband.

Then read Why Men Love B*tches. It's a very old book, but I cannot explain how it changed my dating mindset and understanding of what men find engaging in a woman. Don't worry, the word "b*tch" means a bad b*tch not the negative connotation.

Then start going on lots of dates whether that is through friends' setups or online dating, but keep in my mind what you have decided you want/need in a partner. Don't immediately discount someone who doesn't quite fit, but think about how that would affect your marriage and life you want to build. For example, your former abusive partner- would you want to raise children with this person? Would you want your son to start emulating some of his abusive behaviors? This is not meant to shame you, but to remind you that you're not just looking for a present relationship but a future marriage and life together.

You are still very young OP and will undoubtedly meet and marry someone. You just might have to put in more effort than others, but it doesn't mean your outcome won't be as wonderful. Good luck!

Good advice, but I disagree that the OP is very young. At this age, finding a partner is like finding a good job. It takes efford and it won't just fall into your lap like it might have in your 20s when more men weren't partnered up with other people.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a particularly beautiful person or exceptional in any way, but I have a wonder husband and prior to him I had several years long relationships that were stable, happy, and supportive.

My friends who struggle in their relationships and marriage either look for and pick at faults, expect men to read their minds while also refusing to speak up about their needs and desires, or just have some pathological need to stir up drama - like they crave the intense emotions of fighting and making up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obesity

[Anonymous]

I think it is not luck. I think it is more about idealized expectations verses practicality. A person with more idealized expectations than practicality is going to have a harder time finding someone. If you are prone to limmerence, you will have a hard time maintaining that beyond a year. If you are looking for compatibility (in the bedroom too, but not just there), you will have an easier time. Having that initial spark is fun, but it does not last and needs to be backed up with more deeper feelings that can only develop with someone over time.

Attractiveness can mean you have more opportunities to find someone. But it can also mean you narrow your choices based on things that are more superficial and miss out on someone that doesn’t fit your expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely believe it is luck -- right place/right time to meet someone who likes you back, luck that you grow together rather than apart, luck to nab a partner who's going to put up with your entitled, nagging, asexual self (just described at least half of my friends) 15 years in, luck that your partner doesn't develop mental or physical health issues that change them, etc.

But I'll get a lot of pushback because people usually prefer to take credit for their wisdom and foresight rather than acknowledge their luck.

OP here. I’d love to agree that’s it’s maybe 90% luck and 10% effort but i am no longer so sure. Everyone around me seems to be getting engaged and married so at this point I feel like it’s something defective within myself. In that same vein, I can’t really pinpoint what exactly IS defective because I believe I’m a flawed but perfectly lovable human being. And I can’t think of anything I am doing “wrong” in dating but who knows.

Yeah you are not defective. I think you’re right that it is 10% effort but that effort, but also a lot of it is willingness to take a leap of faith and be vulnerable. Although maybe you could call that effort?

I would say 80% is luck.

But remember that just because somebody looks like they are lucky in love doesn’t mean they are. There are probably fewer of then than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obesity

I’m not sure if this is a joke, but I don’t think obesity has anything to do with it. Obese people fall in love and find quality partners all the time, and thin people often do not. And remember that somebody who is hung up on a potential partner’s body is less likely to be a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not willing to settle!

And that’s how you stay single.

Tha'ts how you avid being married to a spouse that you actually really don't care for and soend 15 + years convincing yourself it's not so bad so you can sta together for the kids or talking yourself out of an affair.

But if you’re holding out for a supermodel, or a tall rich guy, that’s how you stay single.

Better to be single than trapped in a marriage with someone you don't really want. Stop telling women they can't have a man they are attracted to who is a decent person with a good job.

[Anonymous]

OP, like many things in life, luck and timing play a big part. But you have to be open to the possibility. Men dislike women who play games or are pseudo SATC types. Are you the type of person other people see as friendly and approachable?

[Anonymous]

It's luck. I found an amazing man when I was 18 and luckily he matured and continued being amazing. 100% complete luck

[Anonymous]

Skip the dated t book suggested in this thread, the advice is dated and you end up with immature partners.

You need to stop the hookups and fwbs those are time wasters

Date alit. Treat it like a job search. Date multiple men at once don't be quick to be exclusive with one guy until you're pretty certain he's the one this helps you avoid tying yourself to a dead end relationship for years and being to invested in one guy that you ignore red flags
Date go in apps ha e friends and family set you up, join meet ups

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skip the dated t book suggested in this thread, the advice is dated and you end up with immature partners.

You need to stop the hookups and fwbs those are time wasters

Date alit. Treat it like a job search. Date multiple men at once don't be quick to be exclusive with one guy until you're pretty certain he's the one this helps you avoid tying yourself to a dead end relationship for years and being to invested in one guy that you ignore red flags
Date go in apps ha e friends and family set you up, join meet ups

I agree with all this.

[Anonymous]

OP, at 50 years of age and having worked three decades in domestic violence advocacy and the family court system on divorces and child custody battles and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care, and just observing the lives of many people fairly close up from family to friends to neighbors etc., I think you have in your mind an inaccuracy about the number of people who are truly lucky in love.

I would posit that *maybe* 10% of marriages/committed long term relationships involve people who are truly lucky in love, have truly healthy vibrant loving relationships with their spouses. The other 90% are some form of misery, whether low grade persistent unhappiness but staying together for the kids to hostility and physical abuse and even ending in murder, as I’m sure you’ve heard the well known (and accurate) statistic that most women who are murdered are murdered by a current or former lover or spouse.

Most of the marriages here at DCUM aren’t truly healthy or born of luck in love; this comes up in all the family related postings all the time. If they aren’t revealing the dysfunction of their marriages through the various complaints over this or that, they’re putting on a full force PR campaign defending their perfect marriage and perfect kids.

Even if you stay single the rest of your life, you’ve a higher chance of having a healthy happy life. That’s an accurate statistic, too. I encourage you to explore the body of research done on single/never married women, their longevity compared to those who enter domestic servitude, and the rates of disease and mental well-being they exhibit compared to their married peers. There’s a reason far more women than men choose to remain single after divorce or being widowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, at 50 years of age and having worked three decades in domestic violence advocacy and the family court system on divorces and child custody battles and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care, and just observing the lives of many people fairly close up from family to friends to neighbors etc., I think you have in your mind an inaccuracy about the number of people who are truly lucky in love.

I would posit that *maybe* 10% of marriages/committed long term relationships involve people who are truly lucky in love, have truly healthy vibrant loving relationships with their spouses. The other 90% are some form of misery, whether low grade persistent unhappiness but staying together for the kids to hostility and physical abuse and even ending in murder, as I’m sure you’ve heard the well known (and accurate) statistic that most women who are murdered are murdered by a current or former lover or spouse.

Most of the marriages here at DCUM aren’t truly healthy or born of luck in love; this comes up in all the family related postings all the time. If they aren’t revealing the dysfunction of their marriages through the various complaints over this or that, they’re putting on a full force PR campaign defending their perfect marriage and perfect kids.

Even if you stay single the rest of your life, you’ve a higher chance of having a healthy happy life. That’s an accurate statistic, too. I encourage you to explore the body of research done on single/never married women, their longevity compared to those who enter domestic servitude, and the rates of disease and mental well-being they exhibit compared to their married peers. There’s a reason far more women than men choose to remain single after divorce or being widowed.

I think your experiences at work are skewing your opinion here.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

+1 plus a few other things mentioned in prior posts IMO