Why are some girls so lucky in love and others struggle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at 50 years of age and having worked three decades in domestic violence advocacy and the family court system on divorces and child custody battles and dependency/neglect cases involving children in need of care, and just observing the lives of many people fairly close up from family to friends to neighbors etc., I think you have in your mind an inaccuracy about the number of people who are truly lucky in love.

I would posit that *maybe* 10% of marriages/committed long term relationships involve people who are truly lucky in love, have truly healthy vibrant loving relationships with their spouses. The other 90% are some form of misery, whether low grade persistent unhappiness but staying together for the kids to hostility and physical abuse and even ending in murder, as I’m sure you’ve heard the well known (and accurate) statistic that most women who are murdered are murdered by a current or former lover or spouse.

Most of the marriages here at DCUM aren’t truly healthy or born of luck in love; this comes up in all the family related postings all the time. If they aren’t revealing the dysfunction of their marriages through the various complaints over this or that, they’re putting on a full force PR campaign defending their perfect marriage and perfect kids.

Even if you stay single the rest of your life, you’ve a higher chance of having a healthy happy life. That’s an accurate statistic, too. I encourage you to explore the body of research done on single/never married women, their longevity compared to those who enter domestic servitude, and the rates of disease and mental well-being they exhibit compared to their married peers. There’s a reason far more women than men choose to remain single after divorce or being widowed.

I think your experiences at work are skewing your opinion here.

I’ve wondered that at times, but it’s down to statistics, not bias. The rate of divorce, the rate of domestic violence, the rate of homicide in marriages/families, the rates of marital bliss as measured in sociological research, etc.

I’ve also worked extensively in the home health care industry in recent years, and see families VERY close up under the more difficult circumstances of life. In my experience there, in the midst of intact families dealing with chronic or terminal illness in a family member, I’d say my assertion of 90% of families range from lower level to extreme dysfunction is spot on.

Honestly, I think many married people get into a dysfunctional dynamic and can’t even see how gross it is, but those of us on the outside looking in see it very clearly. In 50 years I can count on one hand the marriages I’ve seen and envied in any way. But then, I’m very independent and could never EVER swallow the shit that so many women swallow every day for the better part of their lives. Some people prefer that to struggling through the challenges of life on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

Haha my DH doesn’t fit 1-3 and 5.

[Anonymous]

Posts like these highlight that we've been raised on a diet of Disney movies and rom coms and so we think the *norm* is happy monogamous marriages with soulmates, and that we question what is wrong with us that we don't have that. Marriage is a patriarchal institution that is still socially supported as the "ultimate" experience. But once in it, women often ask themselves - is this it? Read "The All or Nothing Marriage" and browse all of the self-help books, articles, and podcasts on relationships, marriage, sex for people who are ALREADY married. Of course companionship and romantic love and sexual attraction exist - but these 3 things don't need to exist all in the same package - and often don't. OP - you are not defective.

[Anonymous]

I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, a lot of is luck, and a lot of it is what you're willing to do/put up with. For instance, are you up for going out to different places constantly hoping to run into someone? Or stay on dating apps swiping till you meet someone who sparks your interest? ONCE you've met them, are you OK with what they're bringing to you and to the table? I've been single--by choice--for almost a decade now. Nothing against anyone, but my marriage and divorce were so incredibly traumatic, that I have absolutely no bandwidth to entertain the idea that this could happen again. So whenever I meet a nice guy, I find myself wondering, when will he reveal his true-self to me? I found that to be unfair to the men I'm dating so I chose to stop dating. If I'm meant to find someone, I guess it'll happen and if I'm not, I've built a good enough life for myself that I'll be OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

+1 plus a few other things mentioned in prior posts IMO

Eh, there are totally exercised obsessed people who end up with other exercised obsessed people. Or people with no style who either end up with someone who dresses them or someone who doesn't care about style. This list is just your list.

My personal take is that a big part of it is being flexible and not expecting to find a perfect person. Don't compromise on core values, but I certainly married an engineer with no style. We have a great relationship. I buy his clothes and his lack of style has zero impact on our relationship. Maybe that wouldn't work for you, but I'm sure there are things I value that are less important to you. My friends who are still single in their late 30s all have some hang up and are often looking for the lead from a romantic comedy rather than a real person with both strengths and flaws.

[Anonymous]

The happiest, luckiest couples I know have a really great friendship first and foremost. A real friendship, based on fun, common interests, actually being interested in the other person, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

[Anonymous]

I'd say it's a combination of luck and emotional maturity.

I've had to do a lot of growing in my relationships, having grown up with some really skewed perception of what a good marriage looks like. My parents' marriage was low key dysfunctional and I had to unlearn some of the bad habits I subconsciously picked up from seeing them fight.

Being a good communicator is vitally important to a healthy marriage, yet it's a skill that needs to be learned, often through trial and error. You can have two very good people in a miserable relationship where neither one is particularly at fault except for poor communications and misunderstandings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of it is being a well-rounded, well-developed person. Someone who:

- takes care of their health, but isn’t obsessed with dieting or working out
- has a good job they enjoy but also has work-life balance and isn’t always stressed from work
- dresses well without being high maintenance, has their own style
- is open and easy to talk to, without treating dates like therapy sessions
- has personality, is fun, has interests and hobbies beyond just drinking or watching Netflix, has friends
- healthy relationship with sex, no hangups, but doesn’t push for it too early

I’m female, and those are all qualities I look for in men, so I try to exemplify them myself. I’ve found I get higher quality men that are willing to commit when my life feels more well-rounded and fuller.

+1 plus a few other things mentioned in prior posts IMO

Eh, there are totally exercised obsessed people who end up with other exercised obsessed people. Or people with no style who either end up with someone who dresses them or someone who doesn't care about style. This list is just your list.

My personal take is that a big part of it is being flexible and not expecting to find a perfect person. Don't compromise on core values, but I certainly married an engineer with no style. We have a great relationship. I buy his clothes and his lack of style has zero impact on our relationship. Maybe that wouldn't work for you, but I'm sure there are things I value that are less important to you. My friends who are still single in their late 30s all have some hang up and are often looking for the lead from a romantic comedy rather than a real person with both strengths and flaws.

PP here. For sure, people will differ from the list. But the idea is to be well-rounded and not have any one thing take over your life, and to basically just be a good partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

+1 This is quite accurate. I’d add that the most marriageable men end up getting scooped up early, so a willingness to enter a very serious relationship by mid-twenties can be important.

I think it’s important to add that good looks does not mean you will be lucky in love. I’ve known quite a few attractive women who cannot get it together and pick the right kind of guy. They have their pick, but they’re attracted to commitmentphobes, bad boys, and guys who don’t treat them well. I don’t necessarily think that male attention early on will cultivate a healthy self esteem, but if you already have a healthy self esteem at a young age (aka was raised in an emotionally healthy/functional, two parent household) these women will realize they have their choice early on. I’ve also known many attractive women who took their mother’s advice to delay marriage and spent years living with a great guy who wouldn’t commit. After the breakup, these women end up entering a dating market that is much different and tougher than they remember it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Based on this assessment, the job description for "wife" is a mash-up of nanny meets Playboy bunny. Is this for real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Ha well consider me the exception! I am happily married and I’m not like that at all. I am a five, six tops in looks if I don’t make an effort, and I am not nurturing, soft, or feminine. Well I am nurturing but really only toward my own kids. I actually stopped wearing heels when I started dating DH because he is on the shorter side and only six inches taller (which I guess suggests some kind of femininity but still).

I have a fun personality, I’m smart, I’m nice to people, I listen to DH, we have good conversations, and DH thinks I’m a really good mom to his kids. I have a good body but if I didn’t I probably would have just married somebody less attractive.

I still think it’s mostly just luck. I didn’t cultivate any of those qualities, I was just born with them, and DH is just seriously committed to cultivating a quality marriage.

Being smart is much higher in confidence interval as far as genetic blessing goes than being pretty.

Being pretty goes a long way, I have beautiful friends in their 40s continue to receive attention from DH and in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have had the same frustrations you have had. My friends who all seemed "lucky" in love were girls who had a combination of 2 things:

- Inherent good looks. It requires a lot of work and dedication to look the part of an "attractive woman." Girls who are genetically blessed have a leg up. Before learning to style and groom yourself, your true raw beauty shows through. Having been born pretty means that even when you're 19 and haven't quite figured out how to apply proper eyeliner, your raw beauty helps attract a pool of guys before you even really try. So from an early age you get exposure to male attention and desire and from experience, and self confidence, you learn to sharpen your picker and select the best guy to settle down with. These girls aren't necessarily super models...but they meet society's beauty standards: thin, long shiny hair, nice eyes and figure. Working out, makeup and styling takes them to a whole other level.

- Innate femininity and nurturing qualities. This is more than learning how to wear dresses or apply perfect make up. Its being feminine and early on. Babysitting, being a teacher or helping raise 4 little siblings. Affinity for dogs and pets. And yes, interest in beauty and styling. Soft and feminine. Guys want to court and date a GIRL. They had a knack for dressing to attract attention. Red lips, a little bit of thigh here, high heels. Guys were putty.

Literally every woman I know who is married or happy married possesses these qualities.

Literally? You don’t know any married women who are ugly and/or not nurturing?

[Anonymous]

Man, PP really hit a nerve by saying that attractive and traditionally feminine women have much more choice and therefore a higher likelihood of marrying well.