Reply to Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When I got married, I genuinely thought I was going to have a great relationship with my ILs (3 sisters and parents) but over time it became apparent that their expectation was different from mine: I was expected to attend, celebrate them, contribute cash when told, but they would not communicate with me directly and nothing was ever phrased as a question (can you attend? would you like to . . .x?). The fundamental disconnect was that I was supposed to get that their status as aunts and grandparents to my children came before my status as mom. The glaring example of this is when my first child's first birthday was scheduled at my SIL's without asking me. For a while, I just opted out of everything and this was a major friction point in my marriage. I've learned to take them in small doses to keep the peace, expecting no respect but just ignoring or declining most demands. It would have been easier if I started from a place of expecting nothing, [b]but it also would have been easier if they had bothered with the simple respects they expect for themselves.[/b] We'll never be close, just mildly congenial.[/quote]

This may also be indicative of how they relate to their sibling, your DH. Where is he in the birth order?

It's fairly similar for us though DH only has one sibling. We had to always understand that their lives came first even if that meant they would arrive at our home at 2 AM, waking up our then toddlers while going up to the guest rooms, and then our kids sometimes staying up with one of us until their afternoon nap. They couldn't leave early in the AM to arrive at a more civil hour because they wanted to do all the tourist stuff and their kids "didn't like getting up early." But when DH had the temerity to suggest that one of our DCs might not be able to make an event for one of their DCs due to a conflict timing beyond our control, SiL lost her mind, both in print and on the phone, basically telling DH that she knew more about what was important because her DCs were older and that this conflict "wasn't really of consequence." Go figure.

MiL, OTOH, is generally gracious and accommodating, even if she does have a strong personality. My guess is that her daughter's behavior isn't entirely lost on her.

Regarding the bolded, I've mentioned that more than once - really the latter part of the sentence - to DH: why can she not extend the respect and understanding that she demands for her and her family? Feel like that is one of the first lessons I learned from my parents and was reinforced in Sunday school, truly a basic one. [/quote]

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