I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Is the OP still here? How did it happen?

I know birth control can fail and I know some kids are fed inaccurate/incomplete information in religious settings but I grew up with healthcare and comprehensive sex ed and I’m always curious about how this happens to girls today. I’m not just imagining it either - teen pregnancy rates are way, way down due to comprehensive sex ed and access to contraception. I mean she had the internet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the OP still here? How did it happen?

I know birth control can fail and I know some kids are fed inaccurate/incomplete information in religious settings but I grew up with healthcare and comprehensive sex ed and I’m always curious about how this happens to girls today. I’m not just imagining it either - teen pregnancy rates are way, way down due to comprehensive sex ed and access to contraception. I mean she had the internet!

It sounds like she just really wanted to have a baby. Some people are like that. I don’t get it for the life of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by taking her to an abortion clinic.

+1

It's the best decision for everyone.

Agreed.

WTF?

I am pro-choice but the girl is old enough to have a choice. That is a tough decision to live with for the rest of your life. She gets a choice.

Sorry to hear about this OP, but wishing it all works out how it needs to.

[Anonymous]

PP again

I want to add that I come to this site for advice about all Sorts of things and usually get good advice.

But this is not going to be one of those things. Talk to a good friend about this. Not DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

This is a reasonable approach, assuming the boy's parents are also reasonable people who could have a discussion like this. Hopefully, the teenage parents will have some sense of maturity about them and will also have some opinions as to how they want to try and manage the care of their child.

I totally get why Op's initial reaction was one of sadness, shock and anger. Seeing the kid that you've sacrificed to raise shoot themselves in the foot like that before they have even started out would be very hard. My heart goes out to Op. Op we do get it. You will all find a way through this I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

This is a reasonable approach, assuming the boy's parents are also reasonable people who could have a discussion like this. Hopefully, the teenage parents will have some sense of maturity about them and will also have some opinions as to how they want to try and manage the care of their child.

I totally get why Op's initial reaction was one of sadness, shock and anger. Seeing the kid that you've sacrificed to raise shoot themselves in the foot like that before they have even started out would be very hard. My heart goes out to Op. Op we do get it. You will all find a way through this I promise.

OP's daughter is 18, OP said she did this on purpose.

If OP makes the choice to help her daughter, that is her choice not her obligation. Guaranteed to end up with more grandchildren that her DD can not take care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

People say the same thing about parents who don’t let their unemployed kids stay in their basement or pay for college. It’s really not slamming the door in their face. It’s letting them be grownups. It’s actually giving them the opportunity to build a life for themselves rather than continue in a state of extended adolescence.

Maybe it is the right thing for a parent to care for a child but maybe it isn’t. Either choice is valid.

eh, very few people stand up for the basement dwelling, unemployed failures to launch. That is not what Op is dealing with at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the OP still here? How did it happen?

I know birth control can fail and I know some kids are fed inaccurate/incomplete information in religious settings but I grew up with healthcare and comprehensive sex ed and I’m always curious about how this happens to girls today. I’m not just imagining it either - teen pregnancy rates are way, way down due to comprehensive sex ed and access to contraception. I mean she had the internet!

OP has already indicated that she thinks her daughter did this on purpose.

Maybe the boyfriend has been acting like he wants to break up and the daughter thinks if she gets pregnant he will stay with her.
Maybe she's seen friends or classmates get pregnant and was jealous of the "attention" they got.
Maybe she's just lonely and wants someone to be dependent on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

I would encourage her to have the boyfriend talk to the military recruiters- Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Marrying the boyfriend if he enlists would link her to a lot of
social services. Most enlisted soldiers have kids at a young age. The best schools are on/near military bases and family would have housing, secure paycheck, good medical care
and access to a lot of social services and access to additional education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

This is a reasonable approach, assuming the boy's parents are also reasonable people who could have a discussion like this. Hopefully, the teenage parents will have some sense of maturity about them and will also have some opinions as to how they want to try and manage the care of their child.

I totally get why Op's initial reaction was one of sadness, shock and anger. Seeing the kid that you've sacrificed to raise shoot themselves in the foot like that before they have even started out would be very hard. My heart goes out to Op. Op we do get it. You will all find a way through this I promise.

OP's daughter is 18, OP said she did this on purpose.

If OP makes the choice to help her daughter, that is her choice not her obligation. Guaranteed to end up with more grandchildren that her DD can not take care of.

This teenage girl is dependent on Op. She has no way to support herself, has limited education, is not married, is reliant on her parents for health insurance. This girl is not a self sufficient adult and being 18 does not make her a self sufficient adult. I don't know if there are mental health issues involved here or what but this kid is in no way prepared to be responsible for another human being -and Op knows that. THAT, in fact, is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

I would encourage her to have the boyfriend talk to the military recruiters- Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Marrying the boyfriend if he enlists would link her to a lot of
social services. Most enlisted soldiers have kids at a young age. The best schools are on/near military bases and family would have housing, secure paycheck, good medical care
and access to a lot of social services and access to additional education.

NO. While I have no issues at all with a male or female joining the military. That is not the answer here at at all.

OP's daughter is not mature enough to be a mother by herself while her partner is off in the military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

I would encourage her to have the boyfriend talk to the military recruiters- Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines. Marrying the boyfriend if he enlists would link her to a lot of
social services. Most enlisted soldiers have kids at a young age. The best schools are on/near military bases and family would have housing, secure paycheck, good medical care
and access to a lot of social services and access to additional education.

As a military veteran and spouse, I do not encourage this.

What happens when her husband deploys and she’s stuck in a far flung base at the age of 19 with a baby? I would suggest staying closer to family and not rush into marriage or military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

As a military veteran and spouse, I do not encourage this.

What happens when her husband deploys and she’s stuck in a far flung base at the age of 19 with a baby? I would suggest staying closer to family and not rush into marriage or military.

I am a military spouse.

Many young wives go "home" to live with their family when their husband deploys. That is temporary. But during the times he is not deployed, she will have a place to live, medical care, and money for necessities like food and toothpaste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

+1. There is no guarantee that the child will be healthy and neurotypical, either. DH and I waited until our late 20s to try for kids because we knew it would just be us raising our kids. I would be just as upset as you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

As a military veteran and spouse, I do not encourage this.

What happens when her husband deploys and she’s stuck in a far flung base at the age of 19 with a baby? I would suggest staying closer to family and not rush into marriage or military.

I am a military spouse.

Many young wives go "home" to live with their family when their husband deploys. That is temporary. But during the times he is not deployed, she will have a place to live, medical care, and money for necessities like food and toothpaste.

Her family is not responsible for her poor decisions. OP already said her daughter has made questionable one's in the past.