I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

I’m so sick of the “babies are the best thing that ever happened” posts.

I had three babies, as a married adult, and it is hard. It’s not the best thing. Parenting is tough, and a woman should really think this shit through. It’s not dressing up a baby and playing house with a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

+1000000000000000000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sick of the “babies are the best thing that ever happened” posts.

I had three babies, as a married adult, and it is hard. It’s not the best thing. Parenting is tough, and a woman should really think this shit through. It’s not dressing up a baby and playing house with a boyfriend.

And OP is quite justified in being heartbroken, sad, and angry about this. A teenage pregnancy is not the best thing that has ever happened to her. It’s just not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sick of the “babies are the best thing that ever happened” posts.

I had three babies, as a married adult, and it is hard. It’s not the best thing. Parenting is tough, and a woman should really think this shit through. It’s not dressing up a baby and playing house with a boyfriend.

And OP is quite justified in being heartbroken, sad, and angry about this. A teenage pregnancy is not the best thing that has ever happened to her. It’s just not.

Yes yes yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sick of the “babies are the best thing that ever happened” posts.

I had three babies, as a married adult, and it is hard. It’s not the best thing. Parenting is tough, and a woman should really think this shit through. It’s not dressing up a baby and playing house with a boyfriend.

+ 1 million. And the economic impacts always disproportionally affect the woman, who will struggle to complete higher education and achieve the same financial security than the man. Or a woman who waits to start her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sick of the “babies are the best thing that ever happened” posts.

I had three babies, as a married adult, and it is hard. It’s not the best thing. Parenting is tough, and a woman should really think this shit through. It’s not dressing up a baby and playing house with a boyfriend.

And OP is quite justified in being heartbroken, sad, and angry about this. A teenage pregnancy is not the best thing that has ever happened to her. It’s just not.

She is and it’s not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As an adoptive mom and a foster mom, I am appalled at the callousness of some of the posters here. It certainly explains a lot about how our children came to be in our hearts and home. They are a blessing every minute of every day and I cannot imagine living without them.

OP, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your daughter has a lot of trust in you that she shared the news of her pregnancy with you and that she is turning to you for help. I have some thoughts about resources but I'm not sure if this thread is the place to post them because of the vitriol from at least one poster. I will keep an eye out in other forums or for a different thread in case you post there.

Good luck to you and hugs. My best wishes for a healthy and happy grandchild who will flourish and thrive in a home filled with tons of love and support.

Didn’t they come into your home because people who couldn’t handle the responsibly of babies had babies?

Also I am grateful to you for being a foster mom. Thank you, sincerely.

Thank you. Actually I think that the mother of our foster daughters would have been a wonderful mother if she had had even a teensy bit of support back at the beginning. Unfortunately now there is so much water under the bridge legally and otherwise that she will probably never be able to recover guardianship of our beautiful girls. I am not saying that her parents (or his, for that matter) had to drop everything to support her but kicking her out of the house when she was a teen mom the first time certainly sent her spiraling down a path of no return.

I admire her greatly for her commitment to her daughters even though she knew that she was really swimming against the current alone and unsupported. I admire her for her conviction that she was trying to do what she thought was best and that she was trying to live her value system. I greatly fault all the people who were around her who could have helped but didn't, either because they thought she brought it on herself or because they didn't agree with her value system.

I wish that we had known her back when she first found out she was pregnant and when she was kicked out of her home, literally cast off and abandoned by her family. I hope and pray that my husband and I would have helped her and that our help would have changed the trajectory of her life and the lives of her daughters for the better.

I encourage everyone posting here to think about the baby. It may not be your choice for this young mother to keep the baby but that obviously is her choice. Has our society truly become a place where if you disagree with someone that you will completely turn your back on them? That because you disagree with her choice that you will punish both her and an innocent baby? That is very sad if it is true and it bodes poorly for the future of all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

People say the same thing about parents who don’t let their unemployed kids stay in their basement or pay for college. It’s really not slamming the door in their face. It’s letting them be grownups. It’s actually giving them the opportunity to build a life for themselves rather than continue in a state of extended adolescence.

Maybe it is the right thing for a parent to care for a child but maybe it isn’t. Either choice is valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why all the abortion suggestions? Adoption is harder, but so many people would love a baby. OP I feel for you, and hope for the best. Hugs.[/quote

While yes adoption could be a solution, it is most likely not the best case here. OP's daughter is immature and clearly has some self esteem and other issues. Carrying a child to term and giving it up is not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I was the pp who came across as extremely critical of your DD. I'm not in the camp of "this isn't fair to you," - it's not, but as parents, we know that things happen with our kids (either within or not within their control) that aren't fair to their parents.

I think your DD has made an adult decision to have sex, and it seems, has made an adult decision to get pregnant. I'm not sure why-- and if I were you, I would start there.

I think the outcomes are probably rosier if it was an accident and she is otherwise a responsible kid-- if this was purposeful or deliberately neglecting using birth control, then I really do think that you should back off offering a lot of tangible support at this point. If you enable one terrible decision, there may be more to follow.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

WTAF???

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. 18 year old chooses to get pregnant AND have the kid, 18 year old reaps the consequences of her adult decision.

Grandparents do not "have to" "provide or pay for" anything.

You may not be legally required to do a thing for your kid. But, like it or not, your teenager is not equipped to both provide for themselves while raising a baby - your grandchild. It is what it is. Throwing a hissy fit, stamping your feet and crying about how unfair it all is won't do a thing. You need to help YOUR kid figure out how on earth they are going to handle this enormous responsibility. If you legitimately can not afford to support this baby yourself and can not offer childcare, yourself, that needs to be part of the conversation. Simply kicking your kid out and slamming the door in their face is really terrible.

Of course.

I am a PP who has been very vocal in previous posts about how OP does not "have to" provide anything for her adult daughter. I am also the pp who, several pages back, said that EVERYONE (both sets of grandparents and the parents-to-be) should have a meeting where they tell this young couple exactly what they are able/willing to help with (if anything) and offer suggestions on what they (the young couple) can do to make up the difference.

Maybe they will marry and the boy will want to enlist in the military; secure paycheck, housing, medical care and a LOT of social services. But that won't necessarily be near "home"--they could literally relocate them to South Korea or Minot, South Dakota or....almost anywhere.

NO and NO.

This is not her families problem. This is her problem. Grandma and Grandpa do not have to raise this child. Aunts and Uncles do not have to either. They raised theirs.

She is 18 and adult who made an irresponsible decision. It's her turn to deal with all the responsibilities of her pregnancy. Time for her to grow up.

[Anonymous]

DS's college girlfriend was pregnant and they both told me. I told DS that I was in no position to offer financial support, and in no position to offer childcare. It was 100% on them. They decided to terminate the pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As an adoptive mom and a foster mom, I am appalled at the callousness of some of the posters here. It certainly explains a lot about how our children came to be in our hearts and home. They are a blessing every minute of every day and I cannot imagine living without them.

OP, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your daughter has a lot of trust in you that she shared the news of her pregnancy with you and that she is turning to you for help. I have some thoughts about resources but I'm not sure if this thread is the place to post them because of the vitriol from at least one poster. I will keep an eye out in other forums or for a different thread in case you post there.

Good luck to you and hugs. My best wishes for a healthy and happy grandchild who will flourish and thrive in a home filled with tons of love and support.

Didn’t they come into your home because people who couldn’t handle the responsibly of babies had babies?

Also I am grateful to you for being a foster mom. Thank you, sincerely.

Thank you. Actually I think that the mother of our foster daughters would have been a wonderful mother if she had had even a teensy bit of support back at the beginning. Unfortunately now there is so much water under the bridge legally and otherwise that she will probably never be able to recover guardianship of our beautiful girls. I am not saying that her parents (or his, for that matter) had to drop everything to support her but kicking her out of the house when she was a teen mom the first time certainly sent her spiraling down a path of no return.

I admire her greatly for her commitment to her daughters even though she knew that she was really swimming against the current alone and unsupported. I admire her for her conviction that she was trying to do what she thought was best and that she was trying to live her value system. I greatly fault all the people who were around her who could have helped but didn't, either because they thought she brought it on herself or because they didn't agree with her value system.

I wish that we had known her back when she first found out she was pregnant and when she was kicked out of her home, literally cast off and abandoned by her family. I hope and pray that my husband and I would have helped her and that our help would have changed the trajectory of her life and the lives of her daughters for the better.

I encourage everyone posting here to think about the baby. It may not be your choice for this young mother to keep the baby but that obviously is her choice. Has our society truly become a place where if you disagree with someone that you will completely turn your back on them? That because you disagree with her choice that you will punish both her and an innocent baby? That is very sad if it is true and it bodes poorly for the future of all of us.

1. It's not a baby.
2. Foster care in many states, counties, places whatever are not always good, great or even safe. Not saying it can not work, but it's a big, big risk.
3. Adoption - OP has already said, her DD is irresponsible and has made previous poor decisions. Emotionally this could turn into a nightmare.
4. She's 18 she wants to keep the pregnancy, she's an adult and it's her choice and also her responsibility. It's not OP's.