I'm afraid that my daughter is not very smart and I'm worried about her future job prospects

[Anonymous]

You should consider therapy for yourself, OP. So much is not in our control as parents. Your daughter could do better than your wildest dreams, she could lead an easy successful life, or she could struggle. You worrying excessively for the coming decades will not change the outcome. You giving your daughter the sense that you don't think she is capable, that you don't believe in her, that her future is a disaster waiting to happen-that will mess her up more than slow processing.

[Anonymous]

Team OP here.
Why can people on this board engage in endless discussions about ivies etc but can’t entertain an honest question from a concerned parent of an average kid?? I think I can imagine what you are describing ... might she be a good librarian? Op there is every reason to believe your kid will be fine when you consider all the paths to success but I think it’s also normal to worry.

[Anonymous]

Op, she is just as smart or smarter than at least 25-50% of the population. There are thousands of fulfilling jobs for people who aren't intellectuals.

She will like everyone else find her thing. Community college may be the best option if there is a real area of interest.

My next door neighbor is a hotel desk clerk and loves it. She gets to talk to different people, she has a ton of stories, she gets to be shift manager, she makes enough to pay her bills and live on her own. She goes into work on her days off to just hang out! She is a lovely person, has a job she loves, has friends, has her own place, has a boyfriend...she has a great life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will flat out admit it. I don't think my daughter is particularly bright. She is 12 years old and has taken the WISC IV that showed her IQ as being a 110, but with an extremely low processing speed. I realize that her iq definitely puts her well in the average range, but she is so impacted by her low processing speed that for all practical purposes she doesn't come across as smart in many areas. Her teachers always have concerns about her. She has to study very hard to retain anything, and she's very easily distracted and only manages to get B's because we sit down with her to study every night. But this can't go on forever and I have a hard time seeing how she can get through college. However, what worries me even more than college is if she will be able to remain employed. To be completely honest, I just can't imagine her being very good at any job. This is extremely painful for me to admit to myself, much less post. But I am absolutely worried to death about her future, and am just trying to envision what kind of job a person like her could possibly do.

STOP IT.....JUST STOP IT.

Your daughter will be fine. At 12 years old, she has lots of maturing to do and decide what she wants in life. Just encourage her to do her best.

I think for people like OP who are facing this is situation with their kids is that high school is going to be a struggle as will college. Students like this will have to studying three times as hard and work at it vs. a peer and that's tough and lots of kids won't be able to hang in there and do it. With college admissions they way they are, it's tough if you have a 2.8 to get into a public college these days.

It's also way more of a practical issue. Since my own child deals with low processing, in every day situations, since it takes her a little longer, or she can confuse something, or she doesn't quite get innuendo like others do, she can come off looking not so bright to others. People who don't know the person are not as forgiving and especially if it's a first impression. I think people don't understand that slow processing goes beyond academic work and effects kids in other areas and will eventually effect them as adults.

With maturity comes the ability to be better able to hide these deficits not necessarily that they go away.

OP here. EXACTLY. You get it. This is not just about her grades, she comes across as not so bright and it definitely carries over into other areas, I'm extremely worried about how this will impact her on the job as an adult. I also have to say, I'm surprised at how hostile some of the responses have been. I can't possibly be the only mom that suspects that her child might not have the chops to reasonably make it as an adult.

PP here that you quoted that gets it. Believe me, I really and truly understand what you are saying and have had the exact same thoughts many times.

I sometimes think "well, she is pretty so hopefully that will help". Not that I think she will marry rich because of it but that people will be a bit more forgiving when she is an adult and she does things like mixes up words or forgets things they have told her ten times. I also have realized that it it's likely that community college or a technical program where she can learn a job skill that is relatively repetitive in nature or involves lots of checklists and is singularly focused is probably a better fit career wise. I do hope that as my DD matures she will be more aware of here struggles and might begin to devise her own ways of dealing with it such as learning to write things down to remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymou[b wrote:s]I don't understand why ok thinks you have to be smart or have a high processing speed to hold a full time job. I don't understand why she isn't hearing everyone telling her that.[/b] I am guessing she is mourning some highhigh achieving version of her daughter but can't say so since it is a little bit socially taboo to want that so instead she's convinced herself her daughter won't be able to hold a job.

OP here. I have been trying hard not to get angry with the posters like you, but I'm getting quite frustrated. What can I say? I'm her mother, I know what she's like and from what I see of her she seems like she will be very impacted on the job. And no, I'm not just talking about high achieving jobs. I think the job she would have the absolute hardest time with is a being a waiter. Yes, I get that there are people who aren't particularly smart or have high processing speeds who do fine. But my daughter is very negatively impacted by her slow processing speed. On most days, I try to tell myself the things that many others have said, oh she'll mature and it will get better, things will work out. But on other days, like today, when I'm being truly honest with myself, I can't help but admit to myself that I have a very hard time imagining her holding onto anything but the most rudimentary job.

well keep believing there's a big problem when there isn't then. Yea waitress is really hard. I was terrible at it. Most jobs do not require you be fast, but waitress is one that does. Anyway when most of dcum believes one thing, it's rare and usually true, but keep clinging to the one poster who agreed with you . .

You know what? It's possible for it to be both. It is possible that it is something that OP's DD will mature and grow out of. And it's also possible that it's not. But some parents like to do what they can early on to help their children with obstacles that they see in their path. It doesn't mean that she's automatically assuming a disaster of catastrophic proportions or that she's overemphasizing a problem that may not develop. She has said that on good days she agrees with the majority, but on bad days, she worries. How many of you identify a potential problem for your child, decide that it won't be a problem and never worry about it again? I think all of us have fears that a certain tendency or trait in our children may become a bigger problem and while we don't dwell on it, we do worry about it from time to time. And if there is something you can do about it, to help your child in the future, you do.

So, as I mentioned up-thread (and several other PPs have as well), it is important for OP to look at her DD's strengths and try to encourage and develop those strengths into something that may help her in the future. So, for example, OP has said that she's a good and avid dancer. That can be developed. Even without particular studying aptitude, one can become a good dancer, choreographer, dance captain, or teacher. A love of dance can also lead to other options when combined with other skills. I've known good dancers who were able to combine this skill with other skills to be employed. One of the women who coaches the roller skating team at our roller rink has been a lifelong roller skater and has a background in dance. She teaches roller-skating lessons and classes and then she also coaches the teen teams and helps them choreograph dance moves. Her dance training helps her a lot. Same with ice skating. I'm originally from Pittsburgh. The classic story is that after it was discovered that Lynn Swann credited his ballet dance background with helping him that many local teams got dance teachers to help their players with coordination, balance and agility skills.

So while it isn't a disaster, being concerned about your child's future and looking for ways to help her do the best with the skills she has, can be a positive thing in a parent.

Posters who are not team OP aren't saying she should just wait for her to mature and not worry. They are saying that even if she doesn't mature out of it, it's not that bad since lots of not the smartest people hold down full-time jobs! AND they are saying get her an executive coach and school accommodations. Be proactive.

[Anonymous]

Community college is not the best option for someone who needs support and accommodations. It is cheaper but not easier than a 4 year college and the class sizes are big some of the teachers not as good. The better option is a second or third tier private with small classes and lots of supports. Those are basically open admissions and some aren't that much more expensive than in-state colleges. You might look at regional campuses of in-state schools or non-flagship in-state schools, but I worry about class size.

[Anonymous]

OP, this reminds me so much of my best friend from middle and high school. She certainly seemed smart enough to me, but I’m also 100% sure she didn’t test well. She has severe problems with math and numbers - as a senior she was in Algebra 2, the lowest math track, and even struggled with that - and was medicated for ADHD. I’m glad to say she graduated from high school and went to a smaller private college in the suburbs of a major city. She changed majors there once and graduated in 4.5 years, so not bad at all. Landed a job with the city government, just clerical work but it was stable and paid ok. But she worked hard and was a supervisor within 4 years and is now basically the 2nd in charge in her area, 12 years out from graduation. Being a good employee and working bard are super important factors. I think there’s something out there for your daughter. She might not be a doctor or a college professor, but that’s ok, very few people are!

[Anonymous]

To the poster who wrote:

Hi OP - I want to thank you for writing this. My 16yr old DS is similar to your DD. very average IQ, very slow processing. He also has a diagnosis of ADHD. I spend many sleepless nights wondering if he will ever be able to get a job, or even live on his own. I want to add though that I have the tendency to freak out about stuff, and have a very "glass half empty" attitude. DH thinks I'm being totally ridiculous. I am however resigned to the fact that he will likely go to community college first, and perhaps 4 yr after that. More than likely he will go to some type of trade school. He's very charming and handsome, but also socially awkward - which happens a lot with ADHD kids.

No, no, no!!! Please believe me that CC is not the answer. He will get no support as they are not set up that way given the size and open door admissions. You have to be really mature and motivated to make it in a CC. ( I was an adjunct)

A small college ( if ds wants to go.) They have an office of special services , all do, but they will get to know him and they know add issues.

He can get to know his professors in a small school and they will work with him.

You say he’s charming... he can study marketing, real estate is a Major now, business, etc so that he can work in sales, marketing.

Please don’t write him off or compare to all the high flying students around you - I know our neighborhoods of full of them!

He will be okay if he has your “ light “ help now, and then a good small liberal arts school to develop in to the young man he can be.

He was my son a few years ago. Sending good thoughts!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Community college is not the best option for someone who needs support and accommodations. It is cheaper but not easier than a 4 year college and the class sizes are big some of the teachers not as good. The better option is a second or third tier private with small classes and lots of supports. Those are basically open admissions and some aren't that much more expensive than in-state colleges. You might look at regional campuses of in-state schools or non-flagship in-state schools, but I worry about class size.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

What are a few examples of the type of colleges you are describing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our daughter was like this though I can’t recall her IQ. Once her slow processing issue was identified she was able to get extra time to take tests. She was also put on Ritalin and while we didn’t like the idea it did help her right through college. She has been off the meds for 7-10 years and she has been very successful in her career. She is very good with numbers and detail and that really helped her get her career launched and now she is in sales for a well known social media company.

When my DH saw her testing results he realized that he had had the exact same word processing problem but it was never diagnosed. He always struggled in school despite working hard. Yet he has been incredibly successful in business. He still can’t absorb lengthy written documents but his skills analyzing data and problem solving are remarkable. He is a voracious reader but he will never remember all of the detail. When my daughter realized her dad had had the same problem that relaxed her a bit given how successful he has been.

This is inspiring to read. My son (age 16) meets the description of OP's daughter, but he doesn't just have the option of "marrying rich" like many posters are suggesting for OP's daughter (I hope jokingly). So it's night to read that the PP's daughter has been successful (as well as PP's husband).

Taking Concerta (ADHD med), as well as tutoring, has helped my DS mitigate the impact of his slow processing speed. We resisted both for a long time (until he was 15), but the combination of those things has helped. We hope he'll only take the medication to get through high school and college, and then discontinue.

As for tutors, they are very expensive (we sacrifice vacations to pay the tutor), but worth it for the right one, in my experience.

I work in a large corporation, and I see that, in addition to the ability to do the substantive work, it is essential to have good social skills and emotional intelligence. So I recommend really building those skills, regardless of what type of career your child might pursue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this reminds me so much of my best friend from middle and high school. She certainly seemed smart enough to me, but I’m also 100% sure she didn’t test well. She has severe problems with math and numbers - as a senior she was in Algebra 2, the lowest math track, and even struggled with that - and was medicated for ADHD. I’m glad to say she graduated from high school and went to a smaller private college in the suburbs of a major city. She changed majors there once and graduated in 4.5 years, so not bad at all. Landed a job with the city government, just clerical work but it was stable and paid ok. But she worked hard and was a supervisor within 4 years and is now basically the 2nd in charge in her area, 12 years out from graduation. Being a good employee and working bard are super important factors. I think there’s something out there for your daughter. She might not be a doctor or a college professor, but that’s ok, very few people are!

Such good points. Unlike school (where you are required to take so many different subjects), work is something where you can choose to focus on your strengths. And when you do something over and over, you get good at it. So it's definitely possible to excel in the workplace, even if you did not excel in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the poster who wrote:

Hi OP - I want to thank you for writing this. My 16yr old DS is similar to your DD. very average IQ, very slow processing. He also has a diagnosis of ADHD. I spend many sleepless nights wondering if he will ever be able to get a job, or even live on his own. I want to add though that I have the tendency to freak out about stuff, and have a very "glass half empty" attitude. DH thinks I'm being totally ridiculous. I am however resigned to the fact that he will likely go to community college first, and perhaps 4 yr after that. More than likely he will go to some type of trade school. He's very charming and handsome, but also socially awkward - which happens a lot with ADHD kids.

No, no, no!!! Please believe me that CC is not the answer. He will get no support as they are not set up that way given the size and open door admissions. You have to be really mature and motivated to make it in a CC. ( I was an adjunct)

A small college ( if ds wants to go.) They have an office of special services , all do, but they will get to know him and they know add issues.

He can get to know his professors in a small school and they will work with him.

You say he’s charming... he can study marketing, real estate is a Major now, business, etc so that he can work in sales, marketing.

Please don’t write him off or compare to all the high flying students around you - I know our neighborhoods of full of them!

He will be okay if he has your “ light “ help now, and then a good small liberal arts school to develop in to the young man he can be.

He was my son a few years ago. Sending good thoughts!!!

This is PP who you quoted. Thank you so much for writing this - it means more to me than you can ever imagine. I truly thought CC/trade school was his only option, which breaks my heart because he speaks almost daily about "when he goes to college", as in a 4-yr school. I haven't had the heart to tell him "sorry buddy, looks like you're headed to community college". It would literally smash he dreams. I'm going to research schools with an open admission policy right now - thank you!!

[Anonymous]

Plenty of colleges have programs for students with special needs. My friend went to McDaniel (Western MD College back in the 90s when she was there) in MD and had a very good experience with their special needs program. She received various accommodations and did well there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this reminds me so much of my best friend from middle and high school. She certainly seemed smart enough to me, but I’m also 100% sure she didn’t test well. She has severe problems with math and numbers - as a senior she was in Algebra 2, the lowest math track, and even struggled with that - and was medicated for ADHD. I’m glad to say she graduated from high school and went to a smaller private college in the suburbs of a major city. She changed majors there once and graduated in 4.5 years, so not bad at all. Landed a job with the city government, just clerical work but it was stable and paid ok. But she worked hard and was a supervisor within 4 years and is now basically the 2nd in charge in her area, 12 years out from graduation. Being a good employee and working bard are super important factors. I think there’s something out there for your daughter. She might not be a doctor or a college professor, but that’s ok, very few people are!

Sounds very much like my BFF! Unfortunately in the late 80s/90s she didn't get any diagnosis, but she's done well for herself.