I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

In no particular order, some questions and comments:

-OP, your financial dynamic with your husband is effed up. And I say this as a husband with a SAH wife/mother - there's no way I would ever suggest that it was "my" money.

- You haven't answered your your son and husband get along.

- How much money did your son have to start the year? I notice you haven't stated that - it may be that your husband thinks our son is spending irresponsibly, and doesn't want to encourage that.

- Where is your son's father in all this?

- Has your son asked for money?

- If your son coming home for Christmas? That is a good time to give him some case, and make sure he understands that it has to last the semester.

- Given the information we have, it seems like your DH is an ass, and also that you are coddling your son. Both of those things can be true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Is DH the biodad?

No.

Then he has no say over this.

Actually he does, since it is the husband’s wages supporting OP.

And presumably OP contributes her labor to support the household.

That is how a partnership works.

And how's that partnership working out for OP right now?

It’s not.

This is why I will never stop working.

Or, better don't marry a man like that.

Mid-life crisis, job loss, mental health problem, physical health problem, family situations...any man can turn into "a man like that."

Truth, and PREACH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing staying home was OP's idea, and her husband would have preferred she keep working - and that's why he's bean counting now. I think OP would have mentioned it if he was the one who wanted her to stay home and subsequently became controlling.

So OP screwed the pooch: didn't plan ahead financially for her first son, and her DH was probably already resentful that he's the only one contributing financially, and now he's being asked to pay for what he sees as frivolous expenses for his non-bio son that neither bio parent is taking financial responsibility for.

OP also never said that bio dad was paying for college -- just that step dad was not paying for college. I'm guessing stepdad's side of the story would be enlightening here.

This. There's so much more to this story.

I am a stepmom to three kids who have been in or are in college right now. DH also send his kids money every once in awhile. Does it annoy me? Yes. Because we pay hundreds of dollars a month in parent plus loan costs for their tuition, room/board, books, etc. and our own household budget is extremely tight. I think the very least they could be expected to do is earn their own spending money. But do I say anything about it? No. I trust my DH to make the right decision and he was raised in a household where his parents gave money freely (and still do) and I was not. We were raised to earn the money we need for clothes, socializing, textbooks, etc. and my parents would only help out if we were in dire straits.

Without knowing the full dynamic here, there's no way for anyone to give advice. My sister is a SAHM whose husband resents her for not working. They have these same arguments about money. No "step" component to complicate the matters. These disagreements happen outside of stepfamilies too. This is a marriage issue and needs to be viewed as such. He doesn't respect or understand your position on the matter and you don't respect or understand his.

[Anonymous]

This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

They should also consider disability insurance. If you don’t pay into the system for a number of years, you may not qualify for benefits in the event of a disabling accident or condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^single parent

How is this even possible? Do you just have someone watch the kids all day and all night?

[Anonymous]

I would put him on a budget. He can work over semester break to earn some spending money. He also needs to line up summer employment. During school, that should be his job. Give him a reasonable goal as far as grades (3.5?) and as long as he produces, he gets his weekly allowance ($50?). If he's not producing in school, then maybe your DH is correct.

Given that it's the end of the semester and exams are approaching, maybe send care packages instead of cash.

If he's able to earn and save $500 over break, then tell your DH that you feel it's good for him to learn to budget his money and that you want him to concentrate on his studies so he can get a good job upon graduation. Suggest $100/mo to supplement his $500. He should be good on $1000 from when he returns in January until he gets home in May.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs to get a job. Most people I know had part time jobs in college and still did well. I worked about 15-20 hours per week as an office assistant for a small CPA firm for my entire college career. I still took a full course load each semester, graduated on time and got a great job.

However, the fact that hour husband is so controlling that he won’t allow you to spend $100 at your own discretion is a separate problem.

OMFG. People need to understand it’s a different world now.

+1. All these Directional State alums and older gen X'ers / young boomers glorifying the bootstrap days really don't comprehend the modern landscape, nor the landscape at top colleges. You will not find 3.8-4.0 GPA freshmen at elite colleges who work, because their parents understand that is an ignorant penny wise, pound foolish outlook. Smart kids join 1-2 selective clubs, attend all the networking events, and get a "research" position in later years. Nobody gives a s*** if you had a job all through college, they won't even look at your resume if you miss the cutoff GPA or don't know anyone (because you never attended networking events). School year = school is work. Smart kids work in the summer.

Your husband is being a chauvinist power-tripping asshole. Find a way to consistently send your son $100-200 per month and if he receives invitations for trips with new friends, help him go.

[Anonymous]

Gen-Xer here. I worked through high school but as soon as I started college, my father told me I could not work because I needed to study and make the grades needed to get into a competitive grad program. It was the only time in my life that I didn't work (except for vacations). OP has a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs to get a job. Most people I know had part time jobs in college and still did well. I worked about 15-20 hours per week as an office assistant for a small CPA firm for my entire college career. I still took a full course load each semester, graduated on time and got a great job.

However, the fact that hour husband is so controlling that he won’t allow you to spend $100 at your own discretion is a separate problem.

OMFG. People need to understand it’s a different world now.

+1. All these Directional State alums and older gen X'ers / young boomers glorifying the bootstrap days really don't comprehend the modern landscape, nor the landscape at top colleges. You will not find 3.8-4.0 GPA freshmen at elite colleges who work, because their parents understand that is an ignorant penny wise, pound foolish outlook. Smart kids join 1-2 selective clubs, attend all the networking events, and get a "research" position in later years. Nobody gives a s*** if you had a job all through college, they won't even look at your resume if you miss the cutoff GPA or don't know anyone (because you never attended networking events). School year = school is work. Smart kids work in the summer.

Your husband is being a chauvinist power-tripping asshole. Find a way to consistently send your son $100-200 per month and if he receives invitations for trips with new friends, help him go.

I hire a lot of people every year. I don't look at undergraduate GPAs. I *do* look at work experience, practical skills, and how comfortable the candidate seems in a professional environment.

I recently hired a Millersville graduate over a Harvard graduate. He had a better video production portfolio, and had more practical experience with certain equipment and technology.

[Anonymous]

Maybe send him gift boxes of stuff not on the meal plan, like shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, toothpaste. Not money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

All prospective SAHMs should understand what they are legally entitled to in a marriage.

It is not his money. It is their money. If he doesn't like that, he shouldn't have gotten married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

Or the prospective WOHM should read th threads about husbands who still expect them to do everything.

Situations like this aren’t about SAHM/WOHM -sometimes, people just marry a crappy person. And sometimes people marry someone...and just happen to disagree about how a situation should be handled. Stop trying to flame. It’s shortsighted and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs to get a job. Most people I know had part time jobs in college and still did well. I worked about 15-20 hours per week as an office assistant for a small CPA firm for my entire college career. I still took a full course load each semester, graduated on time and got a great job.

However, the fact that hour husband is so controlling that he won’t allow you to spend $100 at your own discretion is a separate problem.

OMFG. People need to understand it’s a different world now.

+1. All these Directional State alums and older gen X'ers / young boomers glorifying the bootstrap days really don't comprehend the modern landscape, nor the landscape at top colleges. You will not find 3.8-4.0 GPA freshmen at elite colleges who work, because their parents understand that is an ignorant penny wise, pound foolish outlook. Smart kids join 1-2 selective clubs, attend all the networking events, and get a "research" position in later years. Nobody gives a s*** if you had a job all through college, they won't even look at your resume if you miss the cutoff GPA or don't know anyone (because you never attended networking events). School year = school is work. Smart kids work in the summer.

Your husband is being a chauvinist power-tripping asshole. Find a way to consistently send your son $100-200 per month and if he receives invitations for trips with new friends, help him go.

I hire a lot of people every year. I don't look at undergraduate GPAs. I *do* look at work experience, practical skills, and how comfortable the candidate seems in a professional environment.

I recently hired a Millersville graduate over a Harvard graduate. He had a better video production portfolio, and had more practical experience with certain equipment and technology.

Current research suggest that working 20+hours has a negative affect on student performance, but working fewer than 15 hours correlates with a higher GPA. When I have hired recent college grads, I have always chosen people who worked at a real world job (ie not a cushy internship that they got because their uncle has connections) for at least 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^single parent

How is this even possible? Do you just have someone watch the kids all day and all night?

I work and do most of my school related activities when my kids are in preschool/daycare. I study when they go to bed. My mom takes them one weekend a month so I can catch up on studying/sleep, which is a huge help and which I know makes me very lucky.