I'm a SAHM and my husband won't let me send money to my teen son. Who's right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

All prospective SAHMs should understand what they are legally entitled to in a marriage.

It is not his money. It is their money. If he doesn't like that, he shouldn't have gotten married.

Exactly and how the court sees it.

OP send him items he needs and some money. He's your child for life. If you need to debit your groceries, do the cash back option until you have enough to send him. You shouldn't have to ask your cheap o husband period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know why he didnt work all last summer and make plenty for spending money? Even at minimum wage, working 30 hours a week left plenty of time for summer fun AND several thousands in spending money. So? What was he doing?

He did work part-time last summer but he also was an unpaid volunteer for a campaign, which cut into his job hours. The money he saved is mostly gone from just normal spending and first year of college expenses. He also already secured a summer internship for 2019.

"Normal spending" is [Amount of Money] / [Months of College] = [Monthly budget]. He blew his funds for the year in the first three months of school? He lives lean. Sorry, you're coddling, OP.

You don't know that. I worked full time plus overtime in the summer when I was in college, and a good job that paid above minimum wage. I still spent almost all of it just in the first week of the semester, buying my books for the semester, which cost thousands of dollars. And, yes, you need stuff like toothpaste, maybe a sweater, etc. I worked 8-10 hours a week in work study (which was what my college suggested was the appropriate amount) to pay for the next semester's books plus things like toothpaste and soap, and it did really cut into my study time. I would study all night and was sick constantly in college. OP's whole question is ridiculous because it's based on the premise that she and her husband are unable to communicate. A normal family would sit down with son and figure out what he needs (or what he wants) and what's reasonable under the circumstances. I don't think 20 hours a week of work, while you're in a demanding college program, is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs to get a job. Most people I know had part time jobs in college and still did well. I worked about 15-20 hours per week as an office assistant for a small CPA firm for my entire college career. I still took a full course load each semester, graduated on time and got a great job.

However, the fact that hour husband is so controlling that he won’t allow you to spend $100 at your own discretion is a separate problem.

OMFG. People need to understand it’s a different world now.

+1. All these Directional State alums and older gen X'ers / young boomers glorifying the bootstrap days really don't comprehend the modern landscape, nor the landscape at top colleges. You will not find 3.8-4.0 GPA freshmen at elite colleges who work, because their parents understand that is an ignorant penny wise, pound foolish outlook. Smart kids join 1-2 selective clubs, attend all the networking events, and get a "research" position in later years. Nobody gives a s*** if you had a job all through college, they won't even look at your resume if you miss the cutoff GPA or don't know anyone (because you never attended networking events). School year = school is work. Smart kids work in the summer.

Your husband is being a chauvinist power-tripping asshole. Find a way to consistently send your son $100-200 per month and if he receives invitations for trips with new friends, help him go.

Young boomers? I’m the person you’re responding to. I’m 38, not 60. And what you wrote is nonsense. My (large, international) employer does a lot of campus recruiting. Never have we rejected someone because they worked in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

All prospective SAHMs should understand what they are legally entitled to in a marriage.

It is not his money. It is their money. If he doesn't like that, he shouldn't have gotten married.

Exactly and how the court sees it.

OP send him items he needs and some money. He's your child for life. If you need to debit your groceries, do the cash back option until you have enough to send him. You shouldn't have to ask your cheap o husband period.

Actually, that is not true.

A person can have income that goes into an account in their own name and the spouse has no right to touch or access that money.

They only have the right to 1/2 assets after a divorce, but during a marriage there is not law that says each spouse gets 1/2 the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs to get a job. Most people I know had part time jobs in college and still did well. I worked about 15-20 hours per week as an office assistant for a small CPA firm for my entire college career. I still took a full course load each semester, graduated on time and got a great job.

However, the fact that hour husband is so controlling that he won’t allow you to spend $100 at your own discretion is a separate problem.

OMFG. People need to understand it’s a different world now.

+1. All these Directional State alums and older gen X'ers / young boomers glorifying the bootstrap days really don't comprehend the modern landscape, nor the landscape at top colleges. You will not find 3.8-4.0 GPA freshmen at elite colleges who work, because their parents understand that is an ignorant penny wise, pound foolish outlook. Smart kids join 1-2 selective clubs, attend all the networking events, and get a "research" position in later years. Nobody gives a s*** if you had a job all through college, they won't even look at your resume if you miss the cutoff GPA or don't know anyone (because you never attended networking events). School year = school is work. Smart kids work in the summer.

Your husband is being a chauvinist power-tripping asshole. Find a way to consistently send your son $100-200 per month and if he receives invitations for trips with new friends, help him go.

Young boomers? I’m the person you’re responding to. I’m 38, not 60. And what you wrote is nonsense. My (large, international) employer does a lot of campus recruiting. Never have we rejected someone because they worked in college.

Sure you hire the 2.8 GPA kid that worked cleaning houses over the 3.5 GPA student who did unpaid internships in the summer. NOT!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

All prospective SAHMs should understand what they are legally entitled to in a marriage.

It is not his money. It is their money. If he doesn't like that, he shouldn't have gotten married.

Exactly and how the court sees it.

OP send him items he needs and some money. He's your child for life. If you need to debit your groceries, do the cash back option until you have enough to send him. You shouldn't have to ask your cheap o husband period.

Actually, that is not true.

A person can have income that goes into an account in their own name and the spouse has no right to touch or access that money.

They only have the right to 1/2 assets after a divorce, but during a marriage there is not law that says each spouse gets 1/2 the money.

Hahahahaha.

False.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

All prospective SAHMs should understand what they are legally entitled to in a marriage.

It is not his money. It is their money. If he doesn't like that, he shouldn't have gotten married.

Exactly and how the court sees it.

OP send him items he needs and some money. He's your child for life. If you need to debit your groceries, do the cash back option until you have enough to send him. You shouldn't have to ask your cheap o husband period.

Actually, that is not true.

A person can have income that goes into an account in their own name and the spouse has no right to touch or access that money.

They only have the right to 1/2 assets after a divorce, but during a marriage there is not law that says each spouse gets 1/2 the money.

Hahahahaha.

False.

^^ You don't have to get divorced to assert rights over assets that legally belong to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, it’s actually not. He has zero responsibility to provide for a child that isn’t his.

What BS. He married a woman with a child, therefore taking the child on as his responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why I"m so glad that I work. All prospective SAHM's should read this thread a couple of times.

All prospective SAHMs should understand what they are legally entitled to in a marriage.

It is not his money. It is their money. If he doesn't like that, he shouldn't have gotten married.

Exactly and how the court sees it.

OP send him items he needs and some money. He's your child for life. If you need to debit your groceries, do the cash back option until you have enough to send him. You shouldn't have to ask your cheap o husband period.

Actually, that is not true.

A person can have income that goes into an account in their own name and the spouse has no right to touch or access that money.

They only have the right to 1/2 assets after a divorce, but during a marriage there is not law that says each spouse gets 1/2 the money.

Hahahahaha.

False.

It is very true. You think Bill Gates's wife was legally allowed to access 1/2 his money while married?. No. It's not her money until she divorces him. OPs husband is not legally required to give her money beyond food, board and clothes. It's not her money.

Here is another thing to worry about, any money you give your spouse access to, your spouse can spend it all on anything they want, drugs, gambling, women... and you can't get that money back because you were stupid enough to give him access to your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No, it’s actually not. He has zero responsibility to provide for a child that isn’t his.

What BS. He married a woman with a child, therefore taking the child on as his responsibility.

Legally, he is not responsible. Her xH and she are responsible. WTF would a new H be financially responsible for the child. He would have to adopt for that to be true.

GEEZ doesn't anybody understand basic laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son needs to get a job. Most people I know had part time jobs in college and still did well. I worked about 15-20 hours per week as an office assistant for a small CPA firm for my entire college career. I still took a full course load each semester, graduated on time and got a great job.

However, the fact that hour husband is so controlling that he won’t allow you to spend $100 at your own discretion is a separate problem.

OMFG. People need to understand it’s a different world now.

+1. All these Directional State alums and older gen X'ers / young boomers glorifying the bootstrap days really don't comprehend the modern landscape, nor the landscape at top colleges. You will not find 3.8-4.0 GPA freshmen at elite colleges who work, because their parents understand that is an ignorant penny wise, pound foolish outlook. Smart kids join 1-2 selective clubs, attend all the networking events, and get a "research" position in later years. Nobody gives a s*** if you had a job all through college, they won't even look at your resume if you miss the cutoff GPA or don't know anyone (because you never attended networking events). School year = school is work. Smart kids work in the summer.

Your husband is being a chauvinist power-tripping asshole. Find a way to consistently send your son $100-200 per month and if he receives invitations for trips with new friends, help him go.

I hire a lot of people every year. I don't look at undergraduate GPAs. I *do* look at work experience, practical skills, and how comfortable the candidate seems in a professional environment.

I recently hired a Millersville graduate over a Harvard graduate. He had a better video production portfolio, and had more practical experience with certain equipment and technology.

What you failed to tell us is you own a dog grooming business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No, it’s actually not. He has zero responsibility to provide for a child that isn’t his.

What BS. He married a woman with a child, therefore taking the child on as his responsibility.

Legally, he is not responsible. Her xH and she are responsible. WTF would a new H be financially responsible for the child. He would have to adopt for that to be true.

GEEZ doesn't anybody understand basic laws.

I don't give a flying f**k about basic laws, I care about basic human decency.

This is not a thread asking for legal advice. It's asking for relationship advice.

[Anonymous]

When I went to college (early 2000s) my Dad used this formula: $1.75 per day for the quarter = the amount of "pocket cash" he gave me. This rationale was that's about the cost of a candy bar and a coke. You don't need anything else because you've got a meal plan and a dorm.

I thought it was a little lean but I had no right to my Dads money.

In the end I did just fine. In fact, because I didn't have extra cash I think it kept me out of trouble because I wasn't going out drinking and partying. I stuck close to the dorm and did homework.

I finished my first year with a 4.0 GPA in an Electrical Engineering program and later on got a 50% student assistance position at the school. At that point I started to have a little extra cash.

You are coddling your kid. Stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Did you miss the part where he had money, and blew through it in 3 months?

It was his first semester living away from home dealing with expenses and clearly there wasn't a budget or plan for spending money in place, so cut the guy a break. The OP is talking about sending her child $100 or $200 here and there so clearly he's not a big spender. He's learning about the real world. It's a process, not a "you failed on the first try so now you're cut off" game. Mom should send X money with a plan, not just random amounts of money at random times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Did you miss the part where he had money, and blew through it in 3 months?

It was his first semester living away from home dealing with expenses and clearly there wasn't a budget or plan for spending money in place, so cut the guy a break. The OP is talking about sending her child $100 or $200 here and there so clearly he's not a big spender. He's learning about the real world. It's a process, not a "you failed on the first try so now you're cut off" game. Mom should send X money with a plan, not just random amounts of money at random times.

there is no "should" here. Sending money when ever he runs out is just enabling bad spending habits. The kids needs to figure out how to make ends meet. This is no different than having to live on a budget between pay checks. I might be on board with giving the kid money but ONLY after he makes it to some benchmark like... January 1st. Simply send him back to school with 100 and say to him, this is your budget for the quarter. IF he blows it do not give him more.