Reply to Stepdaughter wants to move in full time

Forum Index » Parenting -- Special Concerns

Reply to "Stepdaughter wants to move in full time"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, there are two separate (but related) issues.

The first is figuring out what is going on with your stepdaughter and finding a way to help her and getting all the parents on board. It could be the new baby, it could be many other things, both nefarious or not. But asking to move in is a symptom of something that needs to be addressed. Having an open, warm attitude and giving everyone a chance to talk is key. If you're not capable, then family therapy (perhaps with the bio parents and their daughter) might be good. But I would say, a priori, if mom agrees, then she should be allowed to move in and not resented for it. You can try it for a year--it may be a good thing when a new baby comes in and creates a lot of drama and chaos. Also, around this time or a bit older, kids really need to have one home base. 50/50 during the week is tough. Would you want to move back and forth every few days? Given all the changes in her moms, the best thing for her may be to make your place her home. she can still have a lot of visits and overnights if she wants. But also, yeah, you have to get to the bottom of whether there is something worse going on there--my point though is that either way, she should be able to live with you guys (assuming no horrible custody battle ensues).

The other issue is that you don't seem to realize that marrying a man with a kid means that things are going to change, nothing is set in stone and you can't predict. You do not have to be the girls parent, but you do have to realize that she is a member of YOUR family and you have a responsibility to her and your husband. Just because custody works out great now doesn't mean it always will, Kids change, families change, etc. I mean, what if the bio mom died? etc.

I have a stepchild and we have done the 50/50, he has lived f/t at his moms, and now he is (as a young adult) with us full time. I didn't anticipate him moving out, at one point, or him moving back in with us, but I recognize that it is the best thing for him right now. I also have bio kids and know how I would want them to be treated by a step--as full members of the family, not as leftovers. I also get that it can be hard--particularly if your stepchild is angry, antisocial, or has significant emotional issues and you came into their lives when they were older. My advice is this: its okay to sometimes feel annoyed, or wish you had a different situation. But acknowledge that feeling and then let it pass and realize that part of your role in being a good spouse and partner and human being is to be welcoming, kind and as non judgmental as possible (I struggle with this at time). Especially because these kids are vulnerable--they did not ask for their parents to split, or have new people come into their family or have new siblings. They are given no choice, but expected to suck it up and deal. They are told they are important but they need to feel important and that they come first in their parents lives. From what you posted, it seems like this girl feels like she comes in last everywhere. and even if there is no abuse but she's anxious about a new baby and being shunted aside, that is a very good reason to give her a home in your home. You don't know how long it will last, but you really have to do it. Remember, she won't be in your home forever, but she will be part of your life for a very long time--the way you treat her now will be critical. [/quote]

You win Mother Theresa.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics