Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

If OP were on here asking if they should take a vacay before the wife’s maternity leave was up, people would be cheering them on.

OP, I think your wife dislikes your family and views this as an easy way not to have to see them. If it were her family she would make it work.

Signed,
Someone who doesn’t like their inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

I called you insane because you apparently think that if OP takes his two year old they will be in danger of being kidnapped. Or did you ignore my bolding of your insane line?

So many people on here have crap relationships with their DH's family and want to justify atrocious behavior that attempts to isolate him.

If you don't like your in laws that sucks but unless they are abusive or have ebola you should be trying to NOT be an obstacle between your DH and your children having a good relationship with them.

Saying "I just want her to travel to this wedding, it's important to me" and then later saying "of course we'll stay for a week and spend Christmas with my extended family" is why she isn't sending her toddler. He's saying it's for a weekend but threatening to kidnap the kid through the holidays.

I love my in laws. I just recognize a manipulator when he confesses all over a comment thread.

So what was with the kidnapping line?

[Anonymous]

If you balk at the idea of going with your two year old by yourself and won’t do it then you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP here-

I will clear up some things. The wedding date was already set by the time we announced the pregnancy. My wife is the primary caregiver but I definitely contribute and coparent when I’m home in the evenings and on the weekends. I may not know exactly as much as she does with regard to parenting our son, but I’d imagine it’s pretty close. Other than ceremony and pictures, I will be free to support my wife in any way that she requires.

The issue with taking our toddler by myself- she doesn’t want me to! When I say she doesn’t like my parents, I mean it. I am not “allowed” to take my children around my parents without her present. She doesn’t trust them/they have had a tense and hostile relationship in the past. My wife plans to have her mother travel to our home and stay with her while I’m away for the weekend, so her mother can look after the toddler.

Look guys, I appreciate the feedback. I can see that most of you feel like I should be more sympathetic and supportive to my wife’s needs/wishes. If she has something unexpected happen to her or the baby during childbirth or after, of course I wouldn’t expect her to attend. I’m speaking strictly in the sense of assuming everything goes as expected, I think she should be willing to do this for me. And for my brother/his fiancé, with whom she has a great relationship. When we first discussed attending, she mentioned perhaps having her mother watch our toddler the whole weekend and she attends with just the newborn. I can live with this as well, but now she is no longer interested in that solution. (Her mother lives same city as my parents and is a one hour drive from the wedding location. So if her mother watched our toddler during wedding weekend, my parents could still visit with him in the days following the wedding.)

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

On the first bolded--no, you won't be available outside of the ceremony and pictures. You're the best man. You will have stuff to do that will preclude supervising a toddler. So your wife will be stuck in a hotel or guest bedroom with a newborn and a toddler. Oh, and she'll get to deal with them throughout the ceremony. Depending on the timing of the reception, she'll probably have to miss most of that, too, because it will be past the toddler's bedtime and she'll be exhausted. And really, is your family going to miss her presence at the wedding that much?

On the second bolded--why doesn't your wife trust your parents? What have they done or said that makes her unwilling to let her child be with them without her around? (Let alone without you around, because someone has to watch the kid during the ceremony and photos and whatever other stuff you have. Oh, and it's not going to be them. They are not going to watch your kid while their son gets married. They are going to watch their son get married. Ditto for the rest of your family.)

On the third--way to hide the ball, buddy. You want your six-week postpartum wife to fly with a baby too young to be vaccinated (oh, and 6-8 weeks is usually peak fussiness for babies) so she can spend Christmas with your family, "especially" your parents, with whom she has a tense/hostile relationship?

And--I do think that we all have to make an effort for family like this, but I would not fly with a six-week-old baby during cold and flu season. I just wouldn't. Maybe some parents would, but it's not unreasonable not to--in fact, my pediatrician strongly advised not flying before the baby had his/her two-month vaccines.

It's possible that your wife is saying no because she doesn't want to spend time with your parents, but there are reasons to say no that are unrelated to that. My advice is not to make this a test of her love for you, but just to look at all the factors, many of which weigh heavily against her attending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

I called you insane because you apparently think that if OP takes his two year old they will be in danger of being kidnapped. Or did you ignore my bolding of your insane line?

So many people on here have crap relationships with their DH's family and want to justify atrocious behavior that attempts to isolate him.

If you don't like your in laws that sucks but unless they are abusive or have ebola you should be trying to NOT be an obstacle between your DH and your children having a good relationship with them.

Saying "I just want her to travel to this wedding, it's important to me" and then later saying "of course we'll stay for a week and spend Christmas with my extended family" is why she isn't sending her toddler. He's saying it's for a weekend but threatening to kidnap the kid through the holidays.

I love my in laws. I just recognize a manipulator when he confesses all over a comment thread.

So what was with the kidnapping line?

He's saying she's being unreasonable for not letting him take the kid for a wedding.

8 pages later he admits if he goes for the wedding, of course he's going to stay for the week of Christmas.

She's not being unreasonable, he was basically threatening to kidnap her + both kids (or just the kid he takes) for the whole week of the holidays. It was never about just a wedding. (And even if it was, she's perfectly within her rights to say she's not up for the trip that soon after giving birth.) You trying to turn it into parental alienation while ignoring what he's actually doing is what's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If OP were on here asking if they should take a vacay before the wife’s maternity leave was up, people would be cheering them on.

OP, I think your wife dislikes your family and views this as an easy way not to have to see them. If it were her family she would make it work.

Signed,
Someone who doesn’t like their inlaws.

If the OP was insisting that his wife should be willing to take a vacation, that required an airplane flight, when she was six weeks postpartum, no one would be cheering them on.

And maybe she'd make it work for her family, but we don't actually know that. How psyched would OP be is his wife was her sister's MOH and he hated her parents and he was going to be stuck taking care of a newborn and a toddler? Probably not very.

[Anonymous]

You are totally unrealistic. We went to Colorado from DC with our 3yr old and 6mo old for a wedding and it was absolute hell. We had the best possible set up - a well appointed condo, grandparents and uncles to help, a babysitter for 2 evenings.
We spend thousands on airfare, accommodations, tiny suits for the kids they wore for 1 picture, babysitter, etc. and we missed 90% of the reception and I missed a week of work when I got back due the baby getting croup.

You should hire help for your wife while you go to the wedding alone. And this is from a person who hosted 12 people for Thanksgiving, 7 as weekend guests, when my second kid was 6 days old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I don’t think this is the obvious compromise, but it would be wise for OP to propose it to see if it would work for his wife (and be willing to hear “no”, because it very well may not work).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

I called you insane because you apparently think that if OP takes his two year old they will be in danger of being kidnapped. Or did you ignore my bolding of your insane line?

So many people on here have crap relationships with their DH's family and want to justify atrocious behavior that attempts to isolate him.

If you don't like your in laws that sucks but unless they are abusive or have ebola you should be trying to NOT be an obstacle between your DH and your children having a good relationship with them.

Saying "I just want her to travel to this wedding, it's important to me" and then later saying "of course we'll stay for a week and spend Christmas with my extended family" is why she isn't sending her toddler. He's saying it's for a weekend but threatening to kidnap the kid through the holidays.

I love my in laws. I just recognize a manipulator when he confesses all over a comment thread.

So what was with the kidnapping line?

He's saying she's being unreasonable for not letting him take the kid for a wedding.

8 pages later he admits if he goes for the wedding, of course he's going to stay for the week of Christmas.

She's not being unreasonable, he was basically threatening to kidnap her + both kids (or just the kid he takes) for the whole week of the holidays. It was never about just a wedding. (And even if it was, she's perfectly within her rights to say she's not up for the trip that soon after giving birth.) You trying to turn it into parental alienation while ignoring what he's actually doing is what's insane.

Yeah you're nuts. He was not basically threatening to kidnap her. She said no and he's asking if she's being unreasonable not figuring out how to tie her up in the back of his car. You're trying to turn it into KIDNAPPING while ignoring that at worst, OP is being kind of insensitive to what being 6 weeks post partum is like.

[Anonymous]

Op, you claim part of the issue is that your wife wants to keep the kids from your parents, but I don’t understand why you can’t see them as a family separately in the spring or invite them to visit at some other time that isn’t the wedding and Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

I called you insane because you apparently think that if OP takes his two year old they will be in danger of being kidnapped. Or did you ignore my bolding of your insane line?

So many people on here have crap relationships with their DH's family and want to justify atrocious behavior that attempts to isolate him.

If you don't like your in laws that sucks but unless they are abusive or have ebola you should be trying to NOT be an obstacle between your DH and your children having a good relationship with them.

Saying "I just want her to travel to this wedding, it's important to me" and then later saying "of course we'll stay for a week and spend Christmas with my extended family" is why she isn't sending her toddler. He's saying it's for a weekend but threatening to kidnap the kid through the holidays.

I love my in laws. I just recognize a manipulator when he confesses all over a comment thread.

So what was with the kidnapping line?

He's saying she's being unreasonable for not letting him take the kid for a wedding.

8 pages later he admits if he goes for the wedding, of course he's going to stay for the week of Christmas.

She's not being unreasonable, he was basically threatening to kidnap her + both kids (or just the kid he takes) for the whole week of the holidays. It was never about just a wedding. (And even if it was, she's perfectly within her rights to say she's not up for the trip that soon after giving birth.) You trying to turn it into parental alienation while ignoring what he's actually doing is what's insane.

Yeah you're nuts. He was not basically threatening to kidnap her. She said no and he's asking if she's being unreasonable not figuring out how to tie her up in the back of his car. You're trying to turn it into KIDNAPPING while ignoring that at worst, OP is being kind of insensitive to what being 6 weeks post partum is like.

You see what you want to see -- even after he admits he was lying about the situation from the jump.

[Anonymous]

Let her stay at home with the kids. Or just take your two year old if you really want him there. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you wife to not want to fly with a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP—You know “people do it all the time.” BS. I challenge you to name 3 people YOU personally know who traveled on a 3-hour flight with a 6-week old.

You’re going to get an overwhelming response to your post. Please listen and take heed. I hope you are mature enough to realize you are being unreasonable. Your wife—the mother of your children—needs you to support her and to not challenge what she is saying. [/quot

I can be one of the three people. Traveled with my youngest son when he was 6 weeks old along with my 3 and 7 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't the obvious compromise that your MIL be invited to the wedding/reception to help with the toddler and baby throughout and then you tell your family that you will stay for maybe 1-2 days after the wedding, but you want a low-key Christmas at home?

I'm a pp that was in a wedding 6 weeks postpartum and my husband stayed with my kids during the ceremony. During the procession, my six week old (who was a super sweet and easy baby) had a huge spit up, soaking my husband and herself. Luckily, they were sitting by friends who could watch our toddler while my husband and baby totally changed outfits (we were staying at the hotel where the wedding was taking place). Six weeks postpartum is a time when you absolutely must have man on man defense going, imo (at least for a wedding or other formal event that is absolutely not a kid-focused event).

I think the obvious compromise is that he goes alone, his wife stays home and her mom comes to help with the kids. He doesn't have to miss the wedding and she doesn't have to go through the shitshow 6 weeks pp with an unvaccinated kid and the threat of a kidnapping through Christmas hanging over her head.

WTF PP you guys are insane and I'm so happy I'm not related to any of you.

Quote OP:

The wedding is the weekend before Christmas. So if we travel back for the wedding, we will stay through Christmas and visit all of my extended family who will be in town for the wedding, and especially my parents. I believe this is a situation she is trying to avoid.

He said himself he's mad she won't suck it up and travel for the wedding since she likes his brother and future SIL, and then slips in 8 pages later that "oh yeah if we go we'll definitely stay for at least a week with my parents, who she has a bad relationship with." This guy isn't just selfish, he's a manipulator. And even after 80 or so people telling him he's being unreasonable, he reveals more unreasonable demands while simultaneously digging his heels in.

I called you insane because you apparently think that if OP takes his two year old they will be in danger of being kidnapped. Or did you ignore my bolding of your insane line?

So many people on here have crap relationships with their DH's family and want to justify atrocious behavior that attempts to isolate him.

If you don't like your in laws that sucks but unless they are abusive or have ebola you should be trying to NOT be an obstacle between your DH and your children having a good relationship with them.

Saying "I just want her to travel to this wedding, it's important to me" and then later saying "of course we'll stay for a week and spend Christmas with my extended family" is why she isn't sending her toddler. He's saying it's for a weekend but threatening to kidnap the kid through the holidays.

I love my in laws. I just recognize a manipulator when he confesses all over a comment thread.

So what was with the kidnapping line?

He's saying she's being unreasonable for not letting him take the kid for a wedding.

8 pages later he admits if he goes for the wedding, of course he's going to stay for the week of Christmas.

She's not being unreasonable, he was basically threatening to kidnap her + both kids (or just the kid he takes) for the whole week of the holidays. It was never about just a wedding. (And even if it was, she's perfectly within her rights to say she's not up for the trip that soon after giving birth.) You trying to turn it into parental alienation while ignoring what he's actually doing is what's insane.

Yeah you're nuts. He was not basically threatening to kidnap her. She said no and he's asking if she's being unreasonable not figuring out how to tie her up in the back of his car. You're trying to turn it into KIDNAPPING while ignoring that at worst, OP is being kind of insensitive to what being 6 weeks post partum is like.

You see what you want to see -- even after he admits he was lying about the situation from the jump.

He wasn't lying he just left out a chunk of the story which he filled in in a rather substantive update. I think he should tell us why relations are so sour if he wants to get a real honest assessment but by literally NO metric is he threatening to kidnap his family.

That is a felony offense you are accusing OP of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I am surprised everyone is siding with the mom. Barring unexpected complications or some warning from newborn's doctor, I would absolutely assume and expect her to do it for an extremely close family member's wedding.

You would take a 6 week old baby on a germy airplane ride?[/quote

Not PP but I did do it.