Reply to Requests from a Sibing who is there for Elderly Parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]   I don't speak for everyone. This is actually just a personal vent since I have tried to communicate this very message in my own family and it fell of deaf ears.

1.) If you aren't there helping, then don't give unsolicited advice. If you feel the burning desire to give advice, ask if you can give it choose your words carefully and watch your tone. Do not talk down to the caregiving sibling. Show respect and appreciation.

2.) Do not assume you know the situation better than the person who is actually there.

3.) Do not expect a standing ovation when you come into town now and then to say "hello" to the elderly parents. Offer to actually do something for them that gives others a break.

4.) Saying things like "wow, you seem stressed out!" or "You look sooooooo tired" isn't helpful. Are you really that surprised to find someone stressed and fatigued in this role? Instead be gracious, show appreciation and make concrete offers to be helpful if you can. If you cannot offer help, then simply be pleasant.

5.) Do not stir up drama. Do not make this about you.

If you have anything to add feel free to. I fully expect people to call me some kind of martyr feeling sorry for myself. Just want to clarify. I am trying to manage a challenging situation when I have a family of my own, work, etc. If the stress does me in I am of no help to anyone. These are things that would make life easier for me personally. Since my own siblings won't listen, I figured I'd launch this into cyberspace both for the comfort of venting and in the hopes that maybe it helps someone else. 
6.) Don't make assumptions. Sometimes out of guilt for not being there people actually create problems. I don't resent the fact I am the primary helper. I do resent when family members cause problems and treat me like the hired help. Respect boundaries. I am not on your payroll and you cannot just give me orders.
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OP, here are some important considerations, that you may or may not be willing to admit:

Do you have children of your own to take care of, OP?

Maybe the care of your parent fell to you, because you were the only one without children of their own to take care of?

I find that couples without children do not realize how much time and work goes into raising children.

On another note, are you the "favored" child?  Did your parents give you more than other siblings - pay for your college, your house, your wedding?  All of those?  Plus major expenses?

I would bet if that is the case (and you are willing to admit so) - your other siblings are well aware of who got what.

Maybe the care of the parent fell to you, because you were known to be the one who was handed everything, or at least a lot more than the siblings - who might still be paying off the major expenses that you did not have to.

Something to consider.  I know that it is easy to believe that "other people have it so easy" - but you have no idea, really.

[/quote]

This is an interesting point and not OP, but I care for my MIL and will soon my Dad.  My parents gave my sister far more for college and graduate school and over the years have gifted her money, at their choice not by her asking or needing it.  They refuse to do anything for us or our kids as they are angry I'm not working (among other things) and caring for my MIL.  My sister does nothing to help but give bad advice.  I don't care about the money, but they treat me terrible and still expect everything from me.[/quote]

Hell. To. The. No.[/quote]

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